Brought to you by my Discord, who have it in for Hogwarts.
Beta'd and edited by The Grand Cogitator and Tabasco
"...and that is why I am spending the rest of the holiday at home, and why your father is currently in jail at the Ministry of Magic," Megumin finished reading. She looked up at Yunyun, tears in her eyes, as her cousin wept slightly as well.
The rest of the Hufflepuff table shuffled uncomfortably, looking both guilty and concerned. Darkness, Hermoine and Ron were clustered behind Megumin, with Luna and Lavender sitting by Yunyun, while Ginny, Kazuma, Draco, and Dust had come over from the Slytherin table and were, for once, not harassing anyone. Breakfast sat forgotten, save by Hedwig, who was eating the bacon that the students had helpfully abandoned.
"I…" Draco swallowed, glancing at Ginny. His expression firmed, and he put a hand on Yunyun's shoulder. "I'm sorry to hear about your father, Miss Dursley?"
Yunyun swallowed, then looked at Draco, confused.
"I can't believe it," Megumin cried, wiping her face off with a napkin.
"It's alright, Megumin," Ron said, patting her on the back. "Your uncle'll get out. They can't keep a muggle locked up in the Ministry, especially not Vernon."
"Sod off, Malfoy, don't harass Yunyun now," Lavender said, slapping Draco's hand away. "Can't you see she's heart broken?"
"N-no, I-I'm not," Yunyun protested, blowing her nose loudly.
"It's OK, my dad's had trouble with the law before. The ministry stooges are all rotten. I'll see if he can help with a solicitor," Draco offered, scowling at Lavender, who glared right back at him.
"You're all thick, you know that, right?" Hermione said, exasperated. "They're not sad."
"What are you talking about?" Ginny demanded. "They've just heard that their family has been deported from Hawaii and arrested! Of course they're sad!"
"No," Luna mused. "No, they don't seem terribly sad. If anything-"
"THIS IS THE GREATEST NEWS I HAVE HEARD IN AGES!" Megumin squealed, exploding up to dance on the table. She pulled Yunyun up as well, and both girls capered about, giggling and laughing.
"Daddy has a r-rival! A real rival!" Yunyun laughed, hugging Megumin.
"I'm so proud of Vernon!" Megumin beamed. "Arrested, and by a super secretive government agency?! Truly, he is worthy to be the progenitor of the Crimson Demon Clan!"
"W-we should have gone to Hawaii with them," Yunyun sighed, brushing away the last of her tears. "To think…t-they had such an epic adventure…w-with friends! I'll write mum back immediately, a-and tell her to remain firm i-in daddy's time of trial."
Everyone, especially the Hufflepuffs, looked on, thunderstruck. Save for Hermione, who had her face covered with her palm and sighed in exasperation. Then Ron nodded his head in understanding. "Yeah, that tracks."
"Tracks?! TRACKS!?" Ginny demanded. "Ron, they're completely mad! Vernon Dursley was arrested and is still in prison! They caused an international incident, and the Americans and the Hawaiians are going to be after us in the ICW for ages! This is terrible!"
"Terribly awesome!" Megumin cackled, jumping down. "Right, we're going to have to think of a way to top this. Forget the play: I shall practice my Explosion spell. Perhaps if I visit Hawaii, I can set off a volcano and prove the superior might of-"
Darkness karate chopped the top of Megumin's head, making her go temporarily cross eyed.
"Absolutely not. You're supposed to be the Girl-Who-Lived, not a new Dark Lord," Darkness said firmly. "No lighting off volcanos."
"Yeah, Pele would get pretty mad if you did that," Aqua said, strolling up. Instead of her professorial robes, she had on a pair of red glasses with no lenses, a blue beret, a puffy cream blouse with a blue jacket over it, and pink capris with black boots. "Besides, we have a play to put on, and no getting arrested until after my masterpiece has been on display for everyone to see!"
"Who's Pele?" Kazuma asked, frowning.
Beaming at the chance to show off, Hermione began, "Pele is the Hawaiian Deity of creation and flames. This goddess is said to reside on within Kilauea, the most active-"
"Pfff, she's not a real goddess, just a nature spirit. She's just a small fry," Aqua said dismissively. "Plus, fire is a dumb domain anyway. Not like water! Now, everyone, chop chop! We have a play to put on!"
"Don't we have classes today? It's technically the first day of the new semester," Megumin said, frowning as Hermione let out small squeaks of horror at the thought of missing classes.
"Oh, the play is too important," Kazuma interjected hastily. "I'm sure Professor Aqua can write us excuses so we attend to that instead."
"I'm afraid that I will not be accepting any excuses from other Professors, Mr. Crabbe," McGonagall's voice said, and the students spun about to find the stern transfiguration professor approaching. "I suggest you all get to class, as while I'm sure the play will be most…entertaining, it does not excuse you from normal coursework."
When Aqua looked rebellious and started to swell up, McGonagall raised her voice and said, "The last students present in the hall and not in the proper classes shall receive a week of detention in the Forbidden Forest hunting Giant Frogs with Mr. Hagrid.
Upon hearing this, Megumin and Yunyun appeared suddenly very interested in staying in the Great Hall, while Aqua went suddenly pale.
"I can't get detention, I hate frogs!" Aqua wailed, and grabbing the two reluctant Crimson Demons, dragged them away before they could protest, while the rest of the students scampered out of the hall, leaving their breakfasts behind.
Save one.
Darkness glanced at the emptying hall, then at the professor, blushing heavily. "I-I am willing to shield the others from such a calamitous fate, offering my body as a shield against the foes that would foully accost them, so that-"
"In your case, Miss Longbottom, I'll instead send for your grandmother's book of proper ladies etiquette and make you take lessons with me," McGonagall said, trying very hard to maintain an even temper.
While the thought of slimy monsters didn't dissuade Darkness, the prospect of a disappointed Augusta Longbottom, not to mention etiquette lessons, caused her to let out a squeak and dart after the other fleeing students.
"You know," Flitwick mused, coming over with a cup of hot tea and looking at the closing hall doors. "At some point, that woman is probably going to figure out she's a professor and not a student."
"Then perhaps she'll start acting like one, and I can finally stop treating her like a child," McGonagall sniffed, and strode off for her own classes.
Classes for the day were of the usual variety, which is to say, they were routine for Hogwarts. Megumin ended up with a black eye in transfiguration when she made her teapot turn into a "tortoise with attitude."
"I shall train him now to use the sai next, and he will be a worthy rival of Raphael! He shall be named Genshinobi, and will be the mightiest of the tortoise clan!" Megumin told a very frustrated McGonagall even as her tortoise did a black flip onto Darkness' desk, shattering her own very much non-testudines teapot.
"I got him!" Darkness declared, leaping over her desk and tackling the tortoise to the ground.
The rest of the class could only gawk in astonishment as Darkness and Genshiobi proceeded to have a wrestling match. Somehow, Megumin's tortoise was much larger than the others, being about the size of a galapagos tortoise instead of the Horsfield or Hermman's tortoises. Most of the others also did not have distinctive markings about the face that looked suspiciously like a red bandana, or make Bruce Lee noises.
"Perhaps I should try for a more exotic species as well," Hermione said, looking at her own rather pretty Indian Star Tortoise.
"Absolutely not!" McGonagall ground out. "Young lady, if you do not transfigure that THING back into a proper tortoise right this moment-"
"Well, taxonomically, it is a proper tortoise," Hermione pointed out, nodding to Genshiobi as it threw Darkness in a classic Judo move, then attempted to put her into a submission hold, only for Darkness to kick the tortoise hard enough to send it flying, then jump up and shoulder check the wobbling reptile into a bookshelf, sending books toppling and flying everywhere. "It's got the classic shape, and although it's limbs appear to be longer than normal it-"
"I will consent to transfigure Genshiobi into an action figure that I am allowed to display as a trophy in exchange for an O+++ on today's exam," Megumin said, folding her arms over her chest and glaring up at McGonagall.
"There is no O+++!" McGonagall declared. But she threw her hands up in surrender. "It is, without a doubt, the most impressive display of transfiguration magic I have seen from a second year in my career, save for what your cousin did earlier in managing to transform her set into one with wings she called a 'koopa' for some reason."
"Damn, I should have thought of that," Megumin muttered, snapping her fingers. Instantly, Genshiobi returned to being a tea set. Which was unfortunate, as Darkness was in the middle of performing an elbow drop. Ceramic went flying all over the classroom, and several students were peppered with shrapnel.
"Did I get him?" Darkness gasped, standing up. Her robes were shredded, but somehow she was completely unharmed.
"You got something alright. Take Miss Potter to the infirmary to treat her black eye," McGonagall sighed. "And make sure you don't have any fragments in you. I'll give you an A for fast reflexes in dealing with the threat, Miss Longbottom. Even if your tea set is rather unchanged."
"It was looking a little shell-y," Darkness said, kicking at the floor.
"And me?" Megumin demanded, even as Ron conjured up a bit of ice and handed it to her for her swollen shut eye.
"Five points from Gryffindor for transfiguring your tea set to attack your classmate. Ten points to Gryffindor for outstanding wand work. And an E for work today. It would have been an O, Miss Potter, but I won't have that sort of language or blackmail in my classroom."
As this was Megumin's only visit to the infirmary during the day, it was chalked down as one of her less rambunctious school days. Genshiobi never did become immortalized as an action figure, sadly.
That evening, the Great Hall was slightly expanded, and instead of four long tables, was transformed into a dinner theater. The Professors all had box seats set about the walls, while the students were scattered about in groups of four to six at smaller tables set with special dinnerware. The house elves scurried about, absolutely ecstatic at the extra work, and at the fact that Aqua and the USSR had sewn them all Maitre d' uniforms, as well as little pencil mustaches. The house elves had gone all in on the entire set up by making complete menus, and were having the absolute time of their lives.
Yunyun nervously peeked through the curtain across the stage, which was where the high table usually sat, though expanded for the full production. She looked up at the ceiling, and distant rumblings could be heard faintly, causing some of the students to chatter excitedly. Sighing in relief, she turned back to Aqua, who had a movie producer's clapboard despite this being a stage play.
"T-thanks for summoning up a real thunderstorm, t-the atmosphere wouldn't be right without it," Yunyun said, adjusting her costume.
"Don't mention it! Anything for the play. Beside's, weather control is super easy when there's no real other gods to fuss about you trampling over their domains," Aqua said breezily. She lifted up her bull horn and screamed, "ALRIGHT, PLACES EVERYONE!"
"Albus, are you certain this is a good idea?" McGonagall asked from the teacher's observation box.
"Well, I know that headcheese can give me gas, but it's between that and the lamb's tongue," Dumbledore said, examining the menu for its most eclectic options.
"Spitzy assures good master Dumbledore, the headcheese is very fresh, and our lambs tongue is being very finely sauteed. We is having potatoes au gratin for going with it," the house elf waiter offered. "And what will be Mistress McGonagall having?"
"I…are those snow crab legs?" McGonagall asked. She blinked. "And what is Potter's cat doing here?"
Indeed, Chomusuke had on a little red bow, and was sitting with Mrs. Norris at Flich's table, the two felines sharing a full platter of snow crab legs and a dish of cream between them.
"We're allowed a plus one," Filch growled, using a crab hammer to crack open another leg, which the cats eagerly gobbled up. "She's Mrs. Norris'."
"We're what?" McGonagall asked.
"It was on the invitation, Minerva. You did read yours, didn't you?" Dumbledore said. "Actually, I shall have the Rocky Mountain Oysters. Freshly imported?"
"Of course, of course, Spitzy will be getting those ready for you immediately," the house elf said eagerly, taking Dumbledore's menu. He twirled his glued on pencil mustache, and smiled at McGonagall. "And for you, mistress?"
"I'll have the halibut with a bed of jasmine rice, and that dry Sauvignon Blanc," McGonagall sighed. She shook her head. "There's going to be some disaster to come of this, mark my words."
"It's a play the children are putting on with adult supervision," Dumbledore chuckled. "They've practiced it a dozen times with no real dangers. I'm sure it will go well, and be a good bit of fun."
"Yes, but now Potter has word her uncle was arrested and that's sure to give her Ideas," McGonagall grumbled.
Dumbledore paused, considered this, and raised a finger. "Point. But even she can't be mad enough to blow up the Great Hall with everyone inside it."
"Famous last words," McGonagall grumbled. She was rather mollified when her dinner came though: the kitchen staff were outdoing themselves that night.
The play was quite long, lasting over three hours, with an intermission that featured Aqua, Luna, and Lavender singing the Axis Cult Anthem. Which one could be forgiven for thinking was some over the top "Lady Aqua is Great" song, but in actuality was a jazzy tune about going to another world and having fun.
Then, came the climax of the play, where the Evil Sorceress was to be stopped from stealing Christmas by the power of friendship, and an incredible potion.
"At last!" Yunyun cried, holding up a vial. "We shall summon forth our new friend, and save Christmas once and for all!"
McGonagall sipped at her wine, her third glass of the evening, then suddenly set it down and leaned forward. "Is that…" Snatching up her opera glasses, McGonagall watched as Yunyun continued her speech, then gasped in shock. "That's an animagus potion!"
"An Animagus potion?" Snape said, looking up from the homework he had steadfastly graded throughout the entire play. He was so dedicated, he'd been looking at the same paper since the intermission. "That's impossible. Where could they have gotten one?"
Thrusting the opera glasses at Snape with one hand, McGonagall pointed with the other. "Look for yourself!"
After a short look, Snape swore, then dropped the pretense of the grading entirely. "How did she-!?"
And then he remembered. All those months ago, when Yunyun had come to him about brewing an animagus potion. "She can't think to drink it on stage!?"
Yunyun seemed to come to the end of her speech, and a large pipe rose out of the floor, fog emanating from it ominously. Yunyun stepped forward again, smiling. "Um, everyone, c-can you please put on your 3D glasses? P-please? I-it's that time of the play, a-and we can't continue until you put them on…they're under your seats…"
There was some confused searching about, and everyone found a pair of special 3D goggles on the underside of their seat cushions. After some shuffling about, everyone had on their glasses. In an even odder move, Lavender and Luna were hastily passing out 3D glasses to the stage hands and actors as well, insisting they put them on.
"What's this for? This wasn't in the script!" Megumin protested.
"Um, it's a new innovation…T-the very first Live 3D performance," Yunyun explained, donning her own glasses. When Megumin didn't put hers on, she added, "I-it will make things even cooler…"
Megumin was the last to put her glasses on, with even the professors donning theirs when Dumbledore told them he was "very disappointed they weren't willing to experience a little theater magic."
Beaming, Yunyun motioned to the pipe. "A-and now everyone, I-I'd like you to meet our new, v-very special friends! T-The first is Sylvia, o-our strongest supporter in the USSR, a-and she's bringing with her. Tom Riddle, w-who used to go to the school."
At those words, Dumbledore bolted up out of his seat as the pipe suddenly rumbled, and out of it crawled a long, sinuous form. The students all started screaming in panic as the largest basilisk anyone had ever seen emerged from the pipe, along with a ghostly form.
"BEHOLD! IT IS I, TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE!" the ghost bellowed, riding on the serpents back. "HE WHO WILL ONE DAY BE KNOWN AS LORD VOLD-"
"OBSCURA FIRMA!" Dumbledore roared, and out of his wand sprang a cloud of darkness that instantly enveloped the entire Great Hall, even as everyone screamed in panic. Tables were overturned, students ran about madly, and professors jumped down from their box, shouting for students and leading them to safety.
"It's OK!" Aqua cried. "Emperor Zel is here to save us!"
A bright light broke through the darkness, as Aqua held aloft a bird with a comb and wattle. "BEGONE, FOUL SERPENT OF SLYTHERIN! KNOW THY BANE!"
"I can't believe it," McGonagall gasped. "She's actually ready for this?!"
"A real monster hunter after all," Flitwick mused, even as he led his panicking Ravenclaws to safety behind an opaque wall of fog.
The basilisk panicked, trying to cram itself back into the pipe, even as the chicken spread its wings and-
"BWAWK BWAWK BWAWK!" the hen cried.
"You cannot be serious!" one of the students shouted. "That's a bloody hen, not a rooster!"
"Huh?" Aqua lowered her pet chicken, who flapped about in panic. "But basilisks die if they hear a crow."
"FROM A ROOSTER YOU USELESS GODDESS, NOW RUN!" Kazuma screamed, and the light was doused as he shoved Aqua off the stage.
By the time Dumbledore came down with a whip of flame and a wand of light to do battle, the basilisk was gone, along with Yunyun Dursley, Lavender Brown, Luna Lovegood, and somehow, Ginny Weasley. One girl from each house had been taken. Written on the walls in a dark red liquid was, "THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED."
