Boom double upload this weekend, enjoy!


ROBYN POV

Steps sounded at the top of the stairs along with muffled conversation. It didn't sound like Jean this time, more like Eren. He had kept his distance so far, and apparently he hadn't ridden in the wagon either. It made sense. I'd attacked him twice. In the Underground when that guard set me off and then in the house, under Kenny's orders. The poor kid. He had spent so long trying to help me, trying to look out for me and what had it got him? Wounds. Literal fucking wounds.

I curled tighter under the blanket and hoped he would assume I was asleep–

"You're terrible at pretending to sleep." Eren spoke and then there was the jingle of keys.

I sat upright as they clunked into the lock. "Eren, don't."

He frowned, key in the lock but not turned. "You don't belong down here. The fact the Captain even thought to put you here is–"

"He didn't. I did." I sighed, sitting up properly, holding the blanket close. "It's for me more than anything. To help me feel like I can't hurt any of you."

"You won't."

"Eren, I literally hurt you only hours ago."

"Under orders. No one here is going to–"

"Stick me with a needle?" I interjected and he faltered. "Right, we've had sneaks in here before Eren, there's no guarantee that won't be the case again. If the White Cloaks have the phrase, anyone might be able to set me off. And I can't stand the idea of hurting anyone else."

He put his head against the bars. "But you're not the enemy."

"Maybe not, but this stops me becoming that at least."

"This is so wrong. You've done so much to help the Scouts, to help Humanity. We're planning to see the sea soon, you can't miss that, you can't–"

"Risk any of you." I went to the bars and ruffled his hair. "I will do whatever I can to keep you safe, to make sure you get to see that ocean. You can just tell me about it after." I shrugged, the bitterness of that truth sticking in my throat. But it wasn't his fault. It was no one but Vincent's fault. And perhaps my own.

He blinked. "So you're not thinking crazy anymore?"

"Gonna have to specify with that one, Eren."

He rolled his eyes. "I mean back at the safehouse, you were so wound up, you were talking like you would… Like you might… Hurt yourself."

Ah. It would be easier to simply nod, to say those thoughts were long gone, cast to the winds. But I didn't want to lie to him. That option remained open. If the choice was me or them, if there was no other way to stop myself, I would take any option to do so. Kenny had said it aloud, but the idea had already been brewing – I think he'd known that. It might be the only reason he could trust me to live. Because he knew I was willing to die.

My hesitation brought the fire back into Eren's eyes. "Robyn, you can't be serious."

"Of course I fucking am." I stepped away from the bars shaking my head. "Y'think I'd be able to live with myself if I actually hurt someone properly? Or bloody killed them?"

"It won't come to that."

"You don't know that, and don't pretend you do." I turned away from him. "I'm not planning on doing anything right now Eren, I'm not sitting here fantasising about it. But I'm not going to go making promises to you I can't keep. We'll try and find a solution. We will. But if nothing works? If I'm just some ticking clock waiting to cut you all down? Well…"

"Well?"

"I…" I gritted my teeth. "I stop the clock myself."

The lock clunked open. "That better not mean what I think it means."

I turned and kept backing up, he looked ready to drag me out of the cell. "Get out, Eren. I'm not leaving."

"You remember when you came to see me? When I was in a cage under the courthouse?"

I nodded, still taking a step back for every one he took forward.

He set his jaw. "You reminded me I wasn't a monster, so I'm gonna do the same for you. Remind you that you're not just some puppet. I know you're not. And you do too!"

"Eren, the faith is appreciated but–"

"We nearly lost you when the Captain was gone, I'm not about to risk that happening again down here in the dark. I know you, Robyn. I know where your head goes."

It was sweet that he thought he knew me so well, but this determination was only making me feel more cornered. The cells were for my own peace of mind. I could leave any time, I simply didn't want to. But he wouldn't listen. Those eyes were set on 'freedom'. But by his standards, not mine.

I swallowed hard. "I need to be here. Please listen–"

"Like hell. You're feeling defeated, I get it, but like hell I'll let you hurt yourself."

"Let me?" I snapped, patience waning. "There's that weird permission line again. Get yourself together, Eren. I'm not yours to command, it's my own fucking choice."

"To give in?"

"If it stops me hurting anyone else I love? Too fucking right, I will."

I made to move past him, to go to the door and demand he leave, but he was too quick. He grabbed my shoulder and pinned me to the back wall. Ow. It's not indecision in his eyes now, but fear. Outright and shining fear.

"It'll take time to control it, Robyn, you need to know that." His other hand landed on my other shoulder, holding tight. Far too tight. Eren dammit, you don't realise it but this is nudging me towards places I really cannot relive right now. Please let go. He glared, not reading a damn moment of my discomfort. "Don't go jumping to assumptions, and doing something stupid. You can't."

His grip was impossible to shift, so I just set my lips stubbornly. "Doing something stupid is my go-to, right?"

"Stop it." He held tighter, brewing bruises.

"Stop what?" I demanded. "Stop being honest with myself? Eren, think about it, what good have I ever actually done this regiment?"

"What?" He huffed, eyes wide.

"I brought murder to their door, and then what? Just a huge tangled mess of Sanshi shite. Over and over, and over!" I pushed against him, but thanks to blood loss and ongoing fatigue, I'm useless. He kept me pinned. Panic teetered at the edge of my mind, but I kept it back with my anger. Not now. I have the present to deal with first – this headstrong idiot.

His eyes blazed and he looked genuinely furious. "This isn't the time to fucking wallow."

"I'm not." I snarled. "I'm being honest with myself, maybe it's time you do the same."

Indecision returned to his eyes and he nodded slowly. "Yeah, maybe I should do that."

My hands laid flat against the wall, bracing as I anticipated him turning away from me. Do it Eren, turn your back on this mess and run. Bolt the doors and keep this psycho on the end of her father's warped strings out. Run. Run away kid. It's the right thing to do, the sane thing to do.

Eren licked his lips. "Maybe it really is time to be honest with myself, to stop waiting around. Maybe it's time to stop simply waiting for an opportunity."

His words threw me.

"The fuck're you on about?" I pushed against him again and he actually thumped me back against the stonework. Ow. A bruise formed on the back of my skull. Just like Sente. D-Dammit. "Eren, cut this shit out or I'll–"

"You'll what?" He growled. "Threaten to hurt yourself? Shrink back into the shadows of your head again? You just said so yourself, Robyn, no more excuses."

I pushed against him. "Eren! Stop being a dumbass. You're acting like–"

"This honest enough?" His lips landed on mine.

I swear I really had lost my damned mind.

The pain behind my eyes surged and I shoved against him as best I could. But he was determined, and he pressed up against me. No! Dammit, not this shit, not today, not now! He was tainting everything, every smile, every hug, every innocent moment of depending, confiding, trusting. It was turning into an agenda, morphing into cons. Don't do this, Eren. Please don't. Stop! Barely a second had passed. I slammed my head forward, smacking my skull off his and bursting my own lip off his teeth. He staggered back. I pushed off the wall, punched him in the jaw and kicked him in the stomach. He went to one knee. I kicked him over. Adrenaline raged in my ears, heart thundering, tears prickling, fear surging.

Today is not the fucking day for this.

Silence took the cells.

I stood, leaning on my knees, panting. Blood hit the floor, my lip dribbling blood. Iron coated my tongue and my eyes blurred. Eren tried to get to his feet. I glared. For all his momentary madness, the ass has the good sense to stay the hell down.

"You're kidding me, right?" I gasped. "We just escaped the Underground, Jean's been shot and I just tore a man to pieces during an apparently conditioned black-out rage, and then Kenny showed us all just how much of a fucking puppet I am... So you choose now to try and snog me? Really?"

"You wanted honesty." He mumbled.

I shook my head in disbelief. "Wake the fuck up." I spat blood and wiped my lips upon my sleeve. "You're a child. A crush, fine. But this?! Fuck!"

He looked up from his kneeling position, hand on his gut and eyes weary. "You can't just throw out a threat to end your own life, and not expect me to act on it, to say something. Robyn, I'm sick of watching time run out!"

"You didn't say shit, you just slammed me against a wall, you arse. Also, go ahead and put that responsibility back on yourself. I don't expect a damn thing, beyond maybe basic human decency and a respect for my own fucking boundaries. I didn't make you do shit. You chose to do that right then, you knew you could overpower me and so you did. You chose to push me around, to use me for your own fucking means."

He blinked.

I continued, voice cracking. "And at the end of the day, Eren, why the fuck should I care about your inner feelings?"

He looked confused.

I half-laughed. "I care about you, Eren. I have shown that many, many times. But as a friend! I owe you nothing beyond that. I've only ever looked to you as a friend, so whatever the hell you have going on in your own head? It's got fuck all to do with me! You're what, sixteen? I'm an adult. That's just fucking sick regardless, beyond the rest of this shit and your assumptions."

"But I–"

"No!" I threw my arms up. "Just because you've decided, for whatever misguided reason, that you're in love with me, or you want to fuck me against a wall, doesn't mean I automatically have to return it! That's not how it works. Two people involved Eren, so that means two people have to decide."

He blinked and shrunk a little.

I tried but my exhausted tears escaped. "How dare you?" I panted, it almost sounded like a sob. "With everything else going on right now, you thought you'd just throw yourself at me? What was I meant to do? Melt into a tender kiss and moan your name? Beg you to fuck away all my problems, and start our happily-ever-after?"

"I-I don't know!"

Yeah, I knew he was confused. I knew I scared him with my foolish words, and I knew he's as wound up and emotional as I was. Hell, we're all at the end of our tethers. But I couldn't let that stupidity continue. If I didn't kill it now it would only get worse.

And I couldn't let this be what broke my family, they were all I had left.

"Eren... You have never said a damned thing to me about this. About these feelings. So... S-So how dare you decide that now you have the right to lay claim to me? Beyond me having plenty to say about this myself, it not only being up to you, and everything else I've covered, you know I'm with Levi. Where is the confusion there?"

"I only wanted you to know how I feel!"

I snorted. "Then say it. Speak to me, don't force yourself on me."

He swallowed hard.

I shivered. I had to make him see. "What you just did? It makes you no better than J-Jack. For god's sake, Eren, you're better than that." I stepped around him and opened the cell door wide. It went far deeper than Jack-arsehole-Sente, but I wasn't about to say the rest out loud. Not yet. Not when Levi didn't even know of it.

Eren stood, looking lost, but right now I wanted him to. This was where the misunderstanding stopped, where he stopped seeing me as anything but a friend. If we could ever get back to that.

"I-I'm sorry!" He blurted. "I was just... You were talking about killing yourself!"

"And once again the blame lands on me?" I laughed harshly.

"N-No that wasn't what I meant…" He then winced and looked down, I think he finally heard his own words. Yes, Eren. That was exactly what you just did.

"And even so, with me saying those things, what was the plan? You thought you'd kiss me back to my senses?" I shook my head. "There's a lot of steaming shit going on right now. Your unrequited love for me is hardly top of the list."

He flinched.

I wanted to just grin, to tell him to take it easy, and not worry himself into a hole over it – but I couldn't. He knew my history, my past, and yet he still forced that kiss onto my lips. That... that really wasn't okay.

My whole body trembled with rage. "Get the hell out. Leave me alone, and don't you fucking dare do anything like that again."

"Robyn, I'm sorry."

"So am I." My eyes were on the ground, teeth gritted tight. "Get out."

He walked away, steps echoing up the stairs. Then they stopped. A heavy silence fell over the space, and then the steps were running out of the cells, echoing into the corridor beyond. I relocked the cells and tossed the key to the other side of the walkway, perching on my bed as a new stride approached. I knew that stride. It was Levi. Had he heard what happened? Had it been him at the top of the stairs that stopped Eren in his tracks and sent him running? Probably. Shit. Even more mess.

Levi stepped into view and picked up the keys. He didn't speak, but the tightness of his jaw spoke volumes. Yeah, he heard everything.

"Sounded like a good right hook, Brat." He murmured, turning the keys over in his hand. "But I have to admit... I'm a little disappointed you kicked him in the stomach."

"How'd you know?"

"If you'd aimed lower, I doubt he'd have been able to walk yet."

"Fair."

Another long pause before a long breath and a slow release of it. "You alright? It didn't sound like he got far but–"

"He kissed me, that was all. Nothing more, but also nothing less." I hugged myself tightly. "Stupid kid."

"He's a panicking moron you mean." Levi grumbled, pulling up a chair outside the bars. "I'd gladly give him a proper beating, like I'd promised… But it's not my call."

"You promised?" I tilted my head. "You been threatening the cadets, Captain?"

He shrugged. "At Keza's party I made it clear to him that I appreciated his support of you while I was gone, but if he ever tried to take things further… well… I'm sure you can imagine what masculine pissing contest bullshit was said."

I pursed my lips against the want to laugh. It was an interesting thought, to consider Humanity's Strongest squaring up to Humanity's Hope over my scrawny arse.

"The sentiment is appreciated." I smiled, but it soured as I considered the fact Eren had even been warned off this by the likes of Levi. And he still did it. Moron. I sighed. "Even if he apparently didn't take it to heart."

"Well, as usual you showed you can look after yourself. So my bruised pride aside, it's up to you on his punishment, if you want charges pressed. I think you know full well I'd–"

"I'll think on it." I scraped my hair back and looked at Levi properly. He had loosened his top buttons, presumably the talk with Hanji had either gone very poorly, or very well. Either way, he was spent. "But I'm okay. Got some sleep, totally didn't notice the visitors poking their heads in."

His eyes tightened. "Ah. Sorry, I just–"

"You're fine." I smiled softly. "I know you're worried, you all are. But I do appreciate the solitude. Space to think. To… Breathe."

He nodded, despite looking down as if in shame. No doubt he hated leaving me down here, hated letting me lock that door and hand over the keys. But he understood. And he respected my wishes. If it wasn't so likely he'd kick Eren into next season, I'd ask him to go give the boy some pointers. As it was, I'd just appreciate Levi's caring affection.

"It's the least you deserve." He shrugged and glanced along the walkway towards the stairs. "I did wonder if you wanted to feel a little more human though. You always said a shower made you feel that way."

I frowned. "I'm not leaving the–"

"No," he held up his hands palms forward. "Don't worry, I know. I thought I might bring a tub down, get a relay of brats with hot water going, let you have a soak down here. Might not work, not exactly the nicest setting, but…"

His words trailed when he looked back to me, finding me beaming and crying at the same time. I sniffed and laughed breathlessly.

He pinked. "So, good suggestion?"

"S-Sounds fucking wonderful actually." I laughed again and wiped my eyes. I am exhausted, aren't I? "Levi you… Damn, you're such a sweet man."

"Just trying to pay attention." He cleared his throat. "I'll get the stuff brought down. You stay put, in the back corner if you want the tub taken into the cell itself. Or you want shackles."

I looked down at my hands and then back at him. "I'll just sit at the back. Think we can risk that much."

"All right. Then I'll be right back."

"Thanks." I stood with my blanket clutched close, heart thundering as I felt utterly loved.

"Stop looking at me like that." He blushed brighter. "You know it's half an excuse to get you cleaned up…"


I stayed put in the back corner, giving small smiles and nods to those that ferried the water down to me. It seemed to me they would be annoyed at the task, but each of them peered round into the cell with bucket in hand, faces lighting with relief when they spotted me. Newer cadets, long serving folks, all apparently glad of my return. Maybe the regiment had been worried about the Underground mission. We needed all the numbers we could get. I put my head against my knees. Stop that. They care about you, just enjoy that. It doesn't need any further justification.

Hanji had heated some stones to keep the water piping while the tub was filled, and she even had some fancy salts and soap to offer up. Clearly I was being pampered. But I didn't question it, I just stayed out of the way and allowed myself to bask in the gratefulness. It was true, I did always feel better after a good wash, but it was still sweet that Levi had thought of it. He really did want to help. Was it selfish to let him do so? Should I be doing everything in my power to push him away, even to the point of pretending to not caring for him anymore? No. That would be needlessly cruel. We had endured so much and come out the other side. We could deal with this.

If only I could find the means to break the control.

We had the phrasing, so we knew how the control fell into place, how it took hold. But if I could find a way of breaking out? We would be safe. I might fall under someone's control, but I would be able to wriggle free. There had to be something. Surely. By Vincent's design or not. It didn't seem like much of a stretch to hope that my mind might have clung onto something, some loophole.

The last of the water was poured into the tub and me and Levi were left in the now humidly warm cells, the lanterns flickering in the wet warmth. I uncurled from the corner and approached the tub, it was steaming, softly bubbled and smelled divine.

Levi leaned on the far wall across the walkway, arms folded over his chest, watching me. "Go ahead, enjoy."

I looked at the open cell door, itching to close it, to lock it tight, but at the same time the open threshold with him so close felt pretty damn amazing as well. Perhaps a little indulgence was okay? I started undressing, peeling the mission weary clothing off me and folding it into a pile. He was watching. But when I peeked to tease him for being so perverted, I found myself stalling. Not only was he not leering, he looked worried.

"Levi, what–"

"Your back…" He stepped away from the wall, hand beginning to reach when he looked at the doorway and retracted his now clenched hand. "Can I come in?"

I tried to see what he meant, but of course seeing my own back was hardly an easy task. And he looked so spooked. I nodded and he approached slowly, but it was clearly for my benefit not his. Once again he reached for me, and as I turned to give him better access to my back, pulling my hair over my shoulder, his breath caught in his throat. Gently, so soft it was barely there, his touch ran along my spine. Like he was tracing something. Still he didn't speak. His touch moved to running along the usual marks, but then back to my spine, over and over.

Finally, he pressed a kiss to my shoulder, hands gently resting on my hips. "You should get in the water, you'll be cold."

"M'fine, what's going on with my back?"

"Get in the tub, I'll explain." He plucked my chair from the other side of the cell and set it beside the bath. "Okay if I stay in here?"

"Sure." I stepped into the hot water and let the air escape me in a contented sigh, the wonderful heat and scent distracting me for a few moments. It was bliss. I let my hair hang back in the water and for a few moments lay there with my eyes closed, entirely submerged except my head. When was the last time I had done this? I had no idea. But then the look in his face came back to me as he saw my back, and I let the bliss slip around me, while I sat up and propped myself against the tub's side.

He was sat by the tub, leaning his elbows on his knees, hands clasped tight. "Other than the fatigue you already mentioned, do you feel alright?"

"I mean… Confused and stuff, but physically? Yeah. Levi, please, what's going on?"

He nodded and presented me with a sponge, which I took and started to run it along my arms. "You've always had those marks, of course, the ones that bastard gave you. But now… I dunno it's almost like your veins have darkened? It's like a web of dark lines, running along your spine and out to the marks he carved. Did it hurt when I touched them?"

"Not at all. So they look… bruised?"

"Kind of." He frowned as his eyes drifted to my shoulder. "It definitely didn't look like that before. It's almost the same effect as those serums, remember after the crystal cavern? You had those darkened veins along your arms."

"Right." I squeezed the sponge, letting the water cascade down my back. "So it's probably an after effect of the control, right?"

"Probably." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Hopefully they'll fade in a few days like the other ones did. Sorry, I guess my reaction must have been unnerving."

"You're allowed to react honestly." I smiled and he eyed the sponge, I raised a brow and held it out. "You wanting to take over?"

"Oh uh… Is… Is that alright?" He looked to the side, like some bashful school kid or something. I leaned closer and he took the sponge. My fingers lingered along his wrist, where I gently stroked and then traced the line of the bandaging. "You don't have to indulge me because of–"

"I'm not." I smiled. "I am sorry for what happened, of course, I hate that I hurt you at all. But this is just me indulging you because I love you."

He leaned in and kissed me softly. "As I love you."

And I lounged back while he bathed me, easing me round to facing away from him, the sponge gliding along my skin. Soothing more than washing by that point, but wonderful all the same. His lips occasionally followed where the sponge had been and I giggled. Somehow he had turned the whole day around with soap and water.

Oh-so-easily I could have fallen asleep right then and there, but he brought my focus back as his fingers began to move through my hair. "Robyn… You'll feel however you feel, of course, and that's fine. Fuck knows I have no right to suggest how you should be feeling, I may understand it a little but… Anyway, I just wanted to underline something, okay?"

"Mm." I kept my eyes closed, focusing on the gentle tug of his fingers through my hair and then the small massages to my scalp.

"We all want to figure this out."

I tensed, but kept my eyes closed, heart immediately quickening.

He kept his fingers running through my hair. "I am guessing you're doubting that, or at least thinking it's not worth the risk. But… But you are worth it. I swear. And it's not just me that thinks so. Hanji, the squad, hell clearly that sneaky little shit Jaeger also thinks so. Keza too. Just think of what she'll say about all this."

Tears brewed and began to fall down my cheeks.

He put his arm around me gently, his head resting in the crook of my neck. "I know you're tired of it, I know you are, and I'm sorry for that, so fucking sorry, Brat… But please, just hold on a little longer. Please."

I reached and held onto his arm, turning in his hold to kiss him again. Yes, I had my doubts. Of course I had my fears. To be the tool of their destruction will reduce me to rubble. But maybe it didn't have to be that way. Maybe I could trust in their trust in me. Maybe. He kissed me back, cupping my face, running his thumbs under my eyes when he leaned back. His eyes searched mine and seemed to find what he was looking for as relief washed over his expression.

"Using a damn bath to hoodwink me." I sniffed and laughed softly, putting my forehead to his. "I'll try, Levi. I really will."

"Thank you. We'll do training, we'll find a way for you to break out of it. We… We have to."

"Captain, are you getting optimistic on me?"

His eyes met mine and he winced. "No… Just desperate."


Thanks for reading!