AUTHOR'S NOTE: The Koopalings were originally introduced in Super Mario Brothers 3, and in that game, Super Mario World, both games' cartoon adaptations, and other supplementary material, they were explicitly referred to as Bowser's children. Nintendo has apparently retconned this, stating that Bowser Jr. is Bowser's only child and the Koopalings are merely some of his minions, but I've decided to keep them as Bowser's kids in this story. Because let's face it, the rules of the Mario canon at this point are akin to the Pirate Code in Pirates of the Caribbean - more like guidelines.
Also, I can't take credit for Bowser's spiked hat from Odyssey being a Bonneter - it came from some unused concept art in The Art of Super Mario Odyssey.
It felt like an eternity later that the bag was finally yanked from Mario's head. He blinked furiously against the light stabbing at his eyeballs, then squinted to get a good look at his captor. Whoever it was looked awfully fuzzy… though whether that was from all the fur or the fact that his eyes hadn't quite focused yet, he wasn't sure.
"Gee whiskers, you're an ugly one, aincha?" a deep, twangy voice noted. "Y'all have to shave every day to look that nekkid?"
Mario blinked again, and the blurred image finally resolved itself into the tallest and lankiest of the Broodals, Rango. His long, drooping ears twitched slightly as he regarded his prisoner, and his eyes narrowed under the brim of his straw boater hat.
"Hey, at least he isn't mangy like you!" Cappy retorted from somewhere off to Mario's right.
Rango removed his hat and thwacked it against something metallic, making Cappy shriek and babble something that might have been a Bonneter curse. "Shut up, spooky." He plopped the hat back on and turned to shout at someone out of sight. "Boss, he's awake!"
"'Bout time!" came the shout. "Be right there. Go help Spewart and Hariet with the other half of the plan."
"Other half?" Rango cocked his head to one side, his floppy ears and hangdog face making him look like a basset hound trying to parse its master's latest command. "Oooohhhhh, you mean the part where we go to Bowser's castle and-"
A spiky green top hat thwacked against Rango's head, making him shriek and stagger. "Shut up, hare-brain! Don't go blabbin' the plan to the prisoners!"
Rango loped out of sight, removing his hat to rub at his head with an angry mutter.
Mario took quick stock of his situation, shifting in place as best he could with scratchy ropes binding his arms and legs. His captors had tied him into a chair, and said chair stood in a small room with walls, floor, and ceiling of smooth wooden planks. To his right an iron bird cage dangled from the ceiling by a thick chain, its bars glowing with a faint amber light. Cappy hovered in said cage, arms hugged close to his body and eyes narrowed with anger.
"Cappy," Mario murmured, wincing at how rough and cracked his voice sounded. "Are you okay?"
"Just peachy," the Bonneter grumbled, reaching out to touch one of the glowing bars. A yellow spark flashed between the cage and the outstretched limb, and Cappy yelped and jerked his hand back. "Always wanted to be kidnapped by Broodals and stuffed in a magic cage, you know?"
"Believe me, this wasn't on the top of my to-do list either," Mario muttered, wriggling against his ropes. "Wonder where they're taking us."
"Bowser's castle, where else?" Cappy replied. "It was a trap, and Chapeau was in on it! When I get my hands on that no-good piece of ectoplasm, I'll make him eat his own hat!"
Mario shook his head and flexed his arms, testing the ropes for give. The hat-ghost was bold, he'd give him that - for being smallish and so cute, he had a lot of spunk. But a quiet dread gnawed at his stomach, a feeling that something about this whole situation wasn't right. Why would Bowser target him instead of attempting to snatch Princess Peach again… and if his goal really had been Mario, why not grab Luigi too?
To be fair, this wouldn't be the first time you got kidnapped by Bowser, he reminded himself. Still, he at least usually has the decency to do the dirty work himself…
A raucous laugh cut into his thoughts, and a short, squat rabbit-folk in a cheap green suit and matching top hat swaggered into the room. He offered Mario a mocking grin and doffed his hat, revealing a bright purple tuft of hair as he bowed in greeting.
"Pleased to meetcha again, Mario!" he said, his nasty grin never fading. "Seems like only yesterday when we were chuckin' hats at each other. You owe me for trashin' our mecha, by the way - thing wasn't cheap to build."
"Just add it to my bill then," Mario retorted. "Mind loosening these ropes? I'm losing feeling in my toes."
Topper snickered. "Not so high and mighty without your ghost buddy, are you?" He swaggered closer, leaning down until his pink nose was inches from Mario's face. "Man, if I didn't have a client who's gonna pay out the nose for us to deliver you to him unharmed, I'd drag you up on deck and slap you 'round for makin' us look like fools. In front of a paying customer no less."
"You don't need US to make you look like fools, fuzzball!" Cappy retorted. "Anyone who works for Bowser willingly is already an idiot!"
Topper thwacked Cappy's cage with his hat, making it sway wildly on its chain and its occupant yelp and mutter. "Who says we're workin' for Bowser, ya airbag?"
Mario frowned, puzzlement furrowing his brow. It was one thing to think that this whole situation seemed a little out of character for his longtime rival, but quite another to hear his captor flat-out confirm his suspicions. "So who ARE you working for?"
Topper scowled and dropped his hat back on his head. "I've said too much already. You fellas get comfy down here. The Cloudjumper docks in half an hour. THEN we'll see if you're still all high and mighty."
Cappy shook a ghostly fist at Topper's retreating form. "When I get outta here, I'm gonna help you swing him around by the ears."
"Thanks for volunteering me," Mario replied. "But if Bowser's not behind this, then who is?"
Bowser had remodeled his castle countless times over the years - a necessary evil when a certain irritating plumber had a habit of destroying property whenever he broke in on a rescue mission, but not an unenjoyable one. The current incarnation of his palace was an ornate collection of buildings and fortifications that wouldn't have looked out of place in Earth's feudal Japan, complete with koi ponds and flowering cherry trees. It still bore the Koopa King's distinctive touches - spikes, poison-filled moats, and statues and carvings of the king's likeness littered the architecture - but it was a fantastic departure from his usual gloomy stone castles.
Inside the throne room, accompanied by a few squadrons of Koopa soldiers, Bowser reclined upon his throne. His spiky armored form was still garbed in his white wedding tuxedo, albeit torn and blotched with dirt and char. His claws rapped impatiently on the gold-plated arms of his throne, and his scarlet eyes glowed with impatience under his heavy brow.
The Koopa soldiers had been making quiet small talk, shooting occasional glances at their king as if waiting for him to bellow at them to shut up… but they abruptly silenced and stood at attention as the doors to the throne room ground open. Bowser, likewise, straightened up slightly in his throne to regard the two Koopas that strode across the throne room to address him.
"This had better be good," he rumbled. "You don't just interrupt a good sulk unless it's important."
"Oh, of course, your Highness," the first Koopa, a wizened sorcerer in blue robes and thick glasses, wheezed as he prostrated himself before the throne. "The heavens know how important it is for His Majesty to stoke the fires of his anger, that he might wreak vengeance on those who humiliated him!"
The second Koopa, taller and younger with vibrant blue hair slicked back in a style almost like wings, regarded the older Koopa with a disdainful look. "Careful, Kamek… kiss up to him much more and you'll earn a faceful of spikes."
Kamek screeched, straightening up from his bow. "You insolent little whelp! Your Highness, are you going to let him speak to your Court Wizard in that fashion?"
Bowser snorted, smoke pluming from his nostrils. "Yes."
Kamek gaped, then took his glasses off and polished them on his robes… as if it were his eyes malfunctioning and not his ears. "W-what? But Your Highness-"
"I'm sorry, are you stupid as well as hard of hearing?" Bowser demanded. "You may be Court Wizard, but Ludwig von Koopa is crown prince of the Koopas! He'll sit on this throne someday… which means you'd better treat him with respect if you don't want to be out of a job when he finally inherits the crown."
Kamek spluttered, then pushed his glasses back onto his snout and bowed again, with less obeisance this time. "Y-yes, Your Majesty."
"Good." Bowser turned to regard Ludwig. "Now what's so important that you had to barge in? I left orders not to be disturbed."
Ludwig inclined his head respectfully towards the Koopa King. "Not to be disturbed until the Broodals returned, Sire. Which they have, with Mario and his Bonneter companion in their possession."
Bowser perked up, and a thicker plume of smoke jetted from his nostrils. "Excellent… those bunnies just might earn their keep after all. Did they happen to get the Princess too? Or the other plumber that follows Mario around? Loogie or Weegie or whatever his name is?"
"Only Mario and the Bonneter, Your Highness," Kamek replied. "Which, may I remind you, is precisely what you paid them to do-"
Bowser responded to Kamek's reminder by hurling a fireball at him. The Magikoopa squawked in dismay and vanished in a swirl of multicolored geometric shapes, letting the blazing projectile hiss through the space he'd just occupied. Kamek reappeared in a rainbow shower of sparks, grumbling to himself.
"Tell the Broodals to bring Mario and his hat friend here," Bowser ordered. "I want to see them personally before I confine them to the dungeons. Then take them to the treasury and give them the rest of their payment."
"Yes, Your Majesty." Kamek bowed low one final time and shuffled out, thumping his wand on the floor like a cane.
Ludwig watched the old Magikoopa go, then turned back to the king. "I still don't trust those rabbits, Sire. They made it clear they'll hire their services out to anyone… which means their loyalties to you end the moment their payments do. And Wendy says she has a bad feeling about them. She gets chills up her shell every time she lays eyes on them."
Bowser waved away the younger Koopa's concerns with a clawed hand. "I don't need their loyalty. If they're willing to get their paws dirty for gold, then so be it. And tell Wendy she's worrying for nothing. So long as they're getting their money, they're no danger to us."
Ludwig frowned. "Your daughter's intuition is right more often than you think, Father. And my siblings and I would have captured Mario for you for free-"
"You're my Koopalings," Bowser rumbled. "Which means the moment you're seen in ANY kingdom, you'll be captured or worse. The Broodals have a reputation, but at least they're still welcomed outside of the Lunar Kingdom so long as there are people willing to pay for their services." He smirked and laced his claws together over his belly. "Besides… with Mario out of the way, the Princess will be far easier to capture. And THAT is where I'll need you and your sister and brothers' help the most."
Ludwig nodded, and though his expression remained solemn a flush of pleasure colored his cheeks. "Shall we start planning our assault on the Mushroom Kingdom then, Sire?"
"Do that. I'm counting on you, Ludwig."
The eldest Koopaling nodded and turned to go, but stopped and looked back at Bowser. "Father… shouldn't you change out of your wedding clothes? You'll feel better once they're laundered and mended."
"No," Bowser replied. "Let me sulk in my failure a little longer. It'll make my revenge against Mario all the sweeter."
Ludwig didn't look convinced, but he only nodded and strode out of the throne room.
Bowser leaned back on his throne, plucking at a rip in his tuxedo pants. His children were some of his most competent troops, and Ludwig was shaping up to be a fine commander in his own right. But he preferred to resort to his lesser minions or even hire mercenaries over putting them on the front lines too much. He knew he had a reputation as a brutal leader, but he cared too much about his Koopalings to put them in danger.
Soon, though, he mused. Soon Peach will be yours. And once you've convinced her to marry you once and for all, they'll finally have a proper mother figure.
The doors creaked open again, and he drew his shoulders back and raised his chin, putting on his best regal-yet-sinister face for his captives. But it wasn't the Broodals hauling in their prisoners - it was a large Bonneter with a tricorn hat, floating into the room with a smug air.
A fanged grin split Bowser's muzzle. "Chapeau… I take it things went well?"
"Amazingly, Boss," the Bonneter replied, rubbing his hands together. "Was almost too easy! The Broodals are good at their acquisition job."
"Good!" Bowser boomed, laughing. "I knew they were worth paying. Tell them to bring Mario and Cappy in!"
"Uh… yeah, about that." Chapeau narrowed his eyes in a scowl. "Topper wants you to come outside to the Cloudjumper. Says he'd rather do the exchange near his ship so they can move on to their next job in a hurry. Madame Broode's apparently got 'em on a tight schedule."
Bowser curled his lips, snarling at the tricorn-ghost. "They dare think they can tell the King of the Koopas what to do?"
"Evidently," Chapeau replied with a shrug.
"Bah." Bowser huffed, smoke rising from his nostrils. "I should skin them and turn them into fur coats for Wendy." He braced his hands on the arms of his throne and pushed himself to his feet. "Tell them every minute they delay bringing Mario in, I'm docking their reward by ten percent!"
"I'd do that," said Chapeau, "except that they're threatening to take off with their prisoners if you're not outside in two minutes."
"WHAT?!" A fireball launched itself from his jaws, missing the feather tucked in Chapeau's hat by mere inches. "Those mangy little… fine! I'll go out there, but they're getting half their pay for this!"
Chapeau's eyes glittered, and he punched one hand into the other enthusiastically. "Show 'em who's boss, Boss!" And he spun in the air, taking on the shape of Bowser's spiked white top hat before settling in on his brow.
Bowser gave the Bonneter's rim a slight tug, adjusting the fit, before stalking out of the throne room. Perhaps Wendy was right - these rabbits were turning out to be more trouble than they were worth. But they weren't denizens of his kingdom, so all he needed to do was pay them and be rid of them.
At least Chapeau was turning out to be a halfway capable henchman… or hench-hat, as it were. When the Bonneter had put him in touch with the Broodals in the first place, citing them as wedding planners and acquisition experts, he'd assumed that would be the end of his involvement with the hat-spirit. But to his surprise Chapeau had stuck around, giving him advice on how best to navigate the kingdoms and accessorizing his wedding outfit. He had even volunteered his unique transference powers to aid Bowser, but he had declined - what creature could he possibly take the form of that was more powerful than the Koopa King, after all?
It still shocked Bowser that Chapeau served him out of choice, not any sort of obligation. As a citizen of the Cap Kingdom he wasn't bound to serve the Koopa King, and he had requested no money or other compensation for aiding him. The only perks he seemed to get from his alliance with Bowser was bragging rights and the opportunity to hassle the Koopa underlings.
Well, don't look a gift Jaxi in the mouth, he told himself. It's good reliable help you don't have to pay for. Hard enough to get THAT from your own troops sometimes.
"You're awfully quiet, Boss" Chapeau noted. "Bee in your bonnet? Oh wait, I'd know if that was the case."
"It's nothing," Bowser insisted. "Just get ready to grab Cappy if he tries to make a break for it. I'll handle the plumber."
"Gotcha, boss." Chapeau bounced slightly atop Bowser's head in assent.
Bowser strode through the gates of his palace and into the courtyard, where two airship landing pads stood amidst waving banners and stone statues of the Koopa monarch. One was empty, but the Broodals' ship hovered over the second. Squads of Goombas and Koopa Troopas surrounded the pad, the Koopas clutching barbed spears and the Goombas bristling beneath horned samurai helmets. Ludwig and Kamek waited amidst the troops, and they stepped aside to make room for their king.
"Broodals!" Bowser roared. "We have your payment! Hand over the prisoners!"
In response a ladder of ropes and boards clattered down the side of the Cloudjumper, and a squat white form clambered down. Another Broodal, just as short but more delicately built, didn't bother with the ladder but simply leaped over the side. Her purple dress belled out as she fell, a makeshift parachute that allowed her to land lightly at Bowser's feet before her companion could reach the bottom.
"Showoff," the squat Broodal grumbled, dropping to the landing pad. His orange-brown hair stuck out in spikes from under his spiked bowler hat, and flecks of toxic violet marred his blue suit.
"It's not showing off, it's making a good impression," the second Broodal informed him, brushing dust from her gown with gloved hands and tossing her long golden braid over one shoulder. She regarded Bowser from beneath the brim of her iron hat, giving him a look that might almost have been coquettish. "It's so GOOD to see you again, Your Highness! My, though, your wedding outfit needs some mending."
Bowser snarled, smoke drifting from between his fangs.
"Don't get him mad, Hariet!" the squat Broodal whined. "Let's just get this whole thing over with!"
"You're such a scaredy-hare, Spewart," Hariet retorted with an eye-roll. "Well, Your Highness, we've got one plumber and one Bonneter for you, as promised! Cash before delivery!"
Bowser snapped his claws, and four Koopas hauled a treasure chest brimming with gold coins forward. A third Broodal - Rango, if Bowser remembered correctly - scurried down the ladder, and he and Spewart dragged the chest closer to the Cloudjumper.
"As promised," the Koopa king rumbled. "Now hand over Mario."
Hariet giggled and flicked her braid. "Thank you for hiring us for this job, Your Highness," she cooed as the thick rope of hair swung into view… a spiked bomb tied to the end. "It really has been a blast working for you!"
Bowser's gut lurched, and he drew in a deep breath to incinerate the Broodal where she stood. But before he could launch the fireball she slammed the bomb into the ground at her feet, releasing a billowing mass of thick purple smoke. The reeking cloud enveloped the whole landing pad… including Bowser.
Chapeau hacked loudly atop his head. "Gah… Wendy was right! Catch that rabbit, Boss!"
"What do you think I'm trying to do?" Bowser snapped, lurching forward in the purple haze. He groped with his claws, feeling for a scrap of fur to crush in his grip. Was this the Broodals' attempt to skip out with the payment? Were they on Mario's side after all? No, Chapeau had gone with them to ensure they caught that infernal plumber…
The violet smoke seemed to be clouding his brain as well as his vision now. His head throbbed, and his legs wobbled beneath him. His thoughts went murky, muddled… what was he doing out on the landing pad anyhow? He should be in the castle, planning his next mission to kidnap Peach and… do what with her?
Maybe a nap would help things. Yes, a little sleep would clear his mind… and he'd just tripped over his own feet and landed on his stomach, how convenient…
He was unconscious within seconds of hitting the ground, and never felt the ropes that Hariet tied around his middle. The Broodal gave one of the ropes a yank, and her companions hauled the comatose Koopa aboard their ship.
Bowser hadn't been the only victim of Hariet's toxic smoke bomb - the purple fog faded to show every Koopa and Goomba at the landing pad collapsed where they stood, some snoring or blowing bubbles in their sleep. It would be hours before they awakened… and before panic set in at discovering their king had been captured.
"Yeesh, whatcha been eatin', Bowser?" Rango grumbled as he and his brothers hauled their newest captive aboard the Cloudjumper. "Rocks or somethin'?"
"It's gotta be that stupid shell," Spewart replied. "There's a reason Koopas are so slow." He yelped and jumped back as Bowser's body finally cleared the railing, smashing into the deck. "Watch it! That was almost my foot!"
"Well done, boys!" Hariet trilled as she reached the top of the ladder and leaped onto the deck. A purple gas mask covered her face, and she whipped it off and tucked it back under her helmet. "That went well. Here I thought Bowser would be the difficult one of the bunch to capture."
"He might be a king, but he's an idiot," Topper noted. "At least he pays up, though. Not often we get to score a double payment for a job." He patted the chest, a greedy gleam in his eyes. "Rango, Spewart, get him chained up!"
"What about that?" Rango pointed at Bowser's top hat, laying on its side on the deck.
"Toss it overboard - oh, toadstools, that's a Bonneter!" Topper grinned and rubbed his paws together. "New plan, get it caged up. Smithy might pay handsomely for TWO Bonneters instead of one!"
Rango picked up the Bonneter and carried it off. Spewart headed belowdecks to fetch some chains, and Hariet began hauling up the ladder. Topper made for the helm and grasped the wheel, redirecting the Cloudjumper's course for the moon.
