The full title of this chapter is "Elisa's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, but FF won't let me have a title that long. :(
.
.
.
October 30, 1997
7:00 p.m.
After leaving Rikers, Elisa went home, got cleaned up, and left for work, hoping the stresses of the job would keep her mind off of Jason and how she'd horrendously fucked that situation up. Normally she was good at compartmentalizing, but it had been harder than normal for her lately, and today it was proving to be nearly impossible. She sat through roll call and barely managed to pay attention to Chavez's briefing.
Afterwards, she went straight to her desk to work on the Brod case, hoping she might see something different this time and make connections she hadn't before. There was something she was missing. She felt it in her gut. She just couldn't quite see it.
Elisa rifled through her drawers looking for the file, but it wasn't where she had left it.
"Hey, Matt, do you have the case file for the Brod gang?" she asked, barely masking the annoyance in her tone that he had potentially gone through her desk.
"Uh… no," Matt mumbled, looking uncomfortable. "I've been meaning to tell you, but Captain Chavez handed the case over to Harris and Chung."
"What? Why?" Elisa demanded, confused.
"She didn't say explicitly, but it doesn't seem hard to guess," Matt replied, giving her a level look.
"Son of a bitch," Elisa muttered as she shoved the drawer closed loudly on her desk before standing up and marching over to the captain's office. She barged in without knocking.
"You gave our case to Harris and Chung?" she demanded, not bothering to keep her voice down.
Chavez was on the phone, and she looked up at Elisa and gave her a scolding look.
"Yes, thank you for the update, Commissioner," she said into the phone before hanging up. She leaned back into her chair and gave her detective an appraising look.
"You seem to have a lot on your plate already," she said, choosing to ignore her outburst.
"Matt and I have been working on this case for months, and you just gave it to someone else after we did all the leg work, and without even bothering to tell me to my face?" Elisa said incredulously.
"It needs fresh eyes. You're too close to the case."
"Bullshit!" Elisa shouted loud enough that officers out in the bullpen could hear.
"Close the door," Chavez seethed.
Elisa slammed the door shut and marched over to stand in front of Chavez's desk.
"You gave my case to Chung and Harris because you're holding a grudge against me!"
"I gave your case to them because you're too well known to Brod's gang, and you're not even trying to be subtle or play by the book," Chavez retorted. "If you keep snooping around so obviously, you're going to spook them even more than you already have, and then they're going to scurry before we can build a sufficient case against them and take them down legally."
"You're taking cases away from me because you're worried that if my relationship gets out, I'll be fired, and it will blow back on you."
Chavez visibly bristled and opened her mouth to say something, but caught herself. She ran a hand through her carefully coiffed hair, then straightened in her chair, looking Elisa directly in the eye.
"You're overextending yourself, Maza. Between your regular caseload and the GTF, I've noticed your work has been slipping."
"Slipping?" Elisa said indignantly. "You're reaching, and you know it."
"I'm helping you focus so you can see the bigger picture, which is ultimately taking Brod's gang down, that's all," she corrected.
Elisa was breathing hard and her hands clenched into fists as she tried to stave off her anger, but it was too much, and she stormed out of the captain's office without another word. She marched down the hall to the GTF office—which was mercifully unoccupied—shut the door behind her, and kicked a plastic trash can across the room as she screamed, littering trash everywhere along its path. She stood there, breathing heavily, rage boiling her blood until she thought she was going to explode. But after a while, she eventually calmed down enough that she could see straight again. After collecting herself, she cleaned up her mess, and walked back out to the bullpen, sat back at her desk without another word, despite the concerned look from her partner, and got to work.
...
...
When Elisa made it home from her shift, she figured Goliath wouldn't be there to welcome her. Not when she kept disappointing him or pushing him away. To her surprise, however, she stepped through her front door and immediately saw his huge, muscular frame just outside her window, silhouetted against the night sky. He was standing on the roof with his wings caped around his shoulders, staring up at the moon and stars, lost deep in thought.
She was so relieved to see him, she let her keys drop from her hand into the bowl by the door with a loud clatter. Her excitement was quickly countered by a wave of guilt and apprehension, giving her pause. She almost forgot he hadn't come home last night because of her. But if he was here, waiting for her, maybe she wasn't messing things up as much as she feared after all. Not wanting to waste another moment, she quickly locked up her gun, slid her window open, and stepped outside to greet him.
"Hi," she said as she crawled out onto the roof beside him.
"Hello, my love," Goliath said in greeting and opened up his arms and wings to her in invitation. She practically threw herself into his embrace, snuggling into him, and resting her head on his chest. She listened to the heavy, comforting thump of his heart beating solidly and steadily in his expansive chest.
Goliath folded his wings around her, cocooning them away from the world. In the safety of that space, they reclaimed that sense of comfort and reprieve they'd both so desperately needed.
With the crown of her head pressed just below his collarbone, Goliath leaned in and inhaled the sweet smell of her hair, gently running his talons through her raven locks. Life at the castle had been tense, and with the recent escalation in strife and threats against his clan, he hadn't been home with Elisa much. Just the night before he had been pulled away from her to deal with an attempted poisoning of his clan, and accusations leveled by Xanatos that a gargoyle had possibly tried to drown Fox. Because of these events, he found himself forced into contemplating some fairly hard choices—ones he wasn't quite ready to make but nonetheless needed to consider. But weighing difficult decisions alone is seldom the right answer. A wise leader knows when to seek counsel, he reminded himself, and there was no one he trusted more than Elisa. He wanted his mate's opinion on the options in front of him, and perhaps even on those that weren't so obvious. She was his partner, his confidant, his North Star. With her help, he knew he could make the right choice.
"I had a bad day," Elisa said, interrupting his thoughts. Her voice was slightly muffled against his chest, but the pain in her tone was still obvious.
"I am sorry to hear that," Goliath replied as he rubbed her back, setting his own worries aside for the moment. "Do you wish to talk about it?"
Elisa debated it, and then eventually began to speak.
"The Captain took the case I've been building against Brod's gang and gave it to Chung and Harris."
"Why would she do that?" Goliath asked, perplexed. He felt her breath quicken at the question. He gentled his tone, sensing he'd stumbled upon a sore spot. "Does this have something to do with why things have been tense between you and Matt?"
"Partially…" After a pregnant pause, Elisa swallowed hard and continued. "Chavez claims it's because I've been sloppy and getting too close to the case, but I really think she's retaliating over the fact that I'm… in a relationship with you."
Elisa could hear a great rush of air moving out of his lungs as he sighed.
"I am sor—" he began to apologize, but Elisa cut him off, delicately touching her fingertips to his lips.
"Don't apologize for being with me."
Goliath pressed his brow to hers and she melted into him. This was exactly what she needed. Quiet time with the one she loved. She tried to relax and just be present in the moment, but there was so much on her mind that she felt like bees were buzzing around in her brain. The Brod case, her job, Jason… She considered not telling Goliath about her visit with Jason Canmore. Goliath always seemed so supportive whenever she spoke about the Hunter, but she couldn't help but wonder if he was really comfortable with her helping him. She didn't have proof of any disapproval, it was just a hunch, but she got the feeling he was too supportive, too magnanimous. But she already felt like she was on thin ice with Goliath after she didn't explain the truth about what happened with Brod's gang and Matt, and she knew she should tell him. She shouldn't keep secrets about visiting Jason, and before she could have second thoughts, she blurted it out.
"I visited Jason at Rikers this afternoon."
She felt him stiffen, almost imperceptibly, but she noticed the way his body went rigid at the mention of the former hunter's name, and her defenses immediately went up.
"It's been a while. What prompted your visit?" Goliath asked, feigning nonchalance.
"I wanted to see how he was doing."
"And?"
"Well, he's still in prison and still paralyzed," Elisa snarked, irritated by his questioning. "So, not great."
Goliath made a sound in his throat, just a subtle popping in his vocal chords that she took to mean he was vexed. But was he annoyed with her, Jason, this conversation, or all three? She pulled away from him and sternly folded her arms across her chest. She noticed the tight line of his jaw and the way he held himself, taut like a bow string.
"He's trying to rehab his body and his life. That's not easy," she added, softening her tone.
"No, but he destroyed both in the course of trying to exterminate our clan, so forgive me if I am less than sympathetic to his plight," Goliath countered, acerbically.
Elisa's brows shot up in surprise at the vitriol in his voice, her suspicions possibly confirmed. But why was this coming out now?
"He is the product of generations of trauma and conditioning, not to mention Demona murdered his father right in front of him when he was still a kid. That's a lot to overcome—for anyone. It's not entirely his fault, Goliath," Elisa countered.
"Not his fault?" Goliath snapped, incensed. His wings flared out dramatically, emphasizing his outrage and vanquishing the warmth of their earlier embrace. "Need I remind you that my daughter was on the receiving end of his hate. She nearly died because of him. Not to mention he and his kin are the entire reason our clan has been forced to live tenuously with Xanatos once more—because he decimated our home and your precinct building."
Elisa put a hand to her head. This was spiraling out of control.
"I know," she said tiredly. "He made his choices, and he's paying for them. You'd probably be relieved to hear that he doesn't want me to visit him anymore."
Goliath was taken aback by that and shifted uncomfortably as he processed the new information.
"What prompted him to decide that?" he asked.
"My engagement ring, probably."
"I see," Goliath said, and after a while he added, "I wish I could say that I am sorry."
"I knew it. I knew you didn't like that I was visiting Jason despite your claims to the contrary," Elisa accused.
"I was ill at ease with your decision, but I wanted to be supportive of you. Not him," Goliath said. "But now you have no need to visit, so it is a moot point."
"Oh, no it's not! You're jealous, admit it!" Elisa huffed.
Goliath bristled.
"I am not jealous," he corrected.
Elisa scoffed with disbelief.
"He poses no threat to you, and he's trying to atone for his mistakes. Why can't you see that?"
"If genuine, I would commend him for his efforts, but…" Goliath stopped before he finished what he was saying.
"But?" Elisa prodded sternly.
Goliath grunted, and then finished his sentence.
"I believe he had ulterior motives for encouraging your prior visits, and perhaps even for suggesting they come to an end."
"Ulterior motives?" Elisa said incredulously. "Like what?"
Goliath studied her momentarily, wondering if she was really that blind to the Hunter's affection for her, or if she was willfully ignoring it. He wasn't sure which was worse.
"Do you truly not see it?" he said.
Elisa looked up at him defiantly.
"Of course I know he has feelings for me. But how could he have ulterior motives if he insisted that I stop coming to see him?" she argued.
"Because it makes you think he is a good man doing the right thing," Goliath said, sounding tired. "You pity him and his situation and he's using that to his advantage. He is goading you into letting your guard down so that you feel safer with him in hopes that he can win your love eventually."
"That's not true," Elisa said, refusing to accept Jason would do that, even though Goliath's words hit a chord of truth that she didn't want to consider.
"You once told me that every visitor to the prison has to be on an approved list. Did he take your name off of his?"
"I don't know. I haven't checked."
"I doubt he has, and knowing you, you are planning to see him again despite his insistence you do the opposite."
Elisa tried to protest, but the words wouldn't come out. Not credibly. She could only meet his accusation with resigned silence.
"You are doing exactly what he wants," Goliath said, disappointed.
"You're overreacting," Elisa argued lamely.
Goliath shook his head and looked away exasperated.
"This is ridiculous, Goliath! It doesn't matter how he feels. I don't love him."
Goliath looked sharply back at her.
"I know you do not love him… but perhaps you are not seeing him for who he truly is, or what he's really after. You have a tendency to do that with those with whom you have—"
He stopped, instantly regretting the words he'd let slip out. He'd let anger get the better of him, and in his rage, he'd revealed certain misgivings about her judgment. Not only where Jason was concerned, but also Isaac and, to some extent, himself as well.
"Oh, you're one to talk," Elisa snapped. She knew what he was insinuating, and his hypocrisy was galling. "Yourprevious partner is a sociopath with a penchant for genocide."
Goliath's nostrils flared and his mouth pressed into a fine line as his eyes flashed. That was hitting below the belt, and she knew it, but he wasn't fighting fair either.
They stared stubbornly at each other, momentarily holding their tongues for fear of what else they might say in the heat of the moment. But Elisa couldn't take the silence for long. The dark things in her mind fed on silence.
"Even if you're right, and Jason has ulterior motives like you suspect," Elisa said, breaking the impasse, "do you really think so little of me that I could be seduced so easily? Don't you trust me?" The anger in her voice had finally given way to hurt.
"Of course I trust you, Elisa. It is Jason Canmore I do not trust," Goliath replied wearily. He felt like they were arguing in circles. "Even if he does not have ulterior motives, the man has feelings for you, and if he cares for you even a fraction of how much I do—" he paused and collected himself. "If I were him, I would fight fang and talon for you because I know how it feels to love you."
Goliath's words, soft as down, cut Elisa like a knife, and she was stunned into silence.
"You are giving false hope to a man who has very little to hold onto, Elisa. Don't you see the cruelty in that? He has given you an easy way out. Please, just take it," he implored.
Elisa turned her back to him and gazed out toward the east. There was only a faint lightening at the horizon in the overcast sky. Dawn wasn't for a while yet, and still he wanted to leave. She wrapped her arms around herself, and Goliath watched as she visibly shrunk away from him.
"I cannot give up on a broken man, Goliath," she said quietly, still looking away.
"Then I have said all I can on the matter," he said regretfully. He gazed out over the horizon, keying in on the dark outline of the castle in the distance, feeling its pull. "I need to return to the clan."
"Of course you do," Elisa said, no longer even attempting to argue with him.
The defeat in her tone was unlike her, Goliath thought. Arguments between them were not unusual. They had differences of opinion. They quarreled. They fought, even. But Elisa never backed down like this, and they always managed to come to an agreement or an understanding, or it all blew over quickly, their passionate contretemps turning into passion of another sort. This was different. And it felt wrong.
He hated to leave like this, with things unresolved. And not just on this particular topic. He'd never even had a chance to seek the guidance he'd come for in the first place. All of that had turned to ash as soon as the other fires had started. He felt torn between his love and duty to her and his love and duty to his clan. It wasn't often that the two pulled him in opposite directions.
He reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, but she still refused to turn and face him.
Goliath sighed deeply. "I do not wish to part with you on these terms, but know that I love you," he said solemnly. "I hope to see you tonight at the party."
And then he reluctantly turned from her and dove off the side of the building into the night.
Elisa stayed outside on her roof long after Goliath had left. The air was crisp, cold, and smelled like rain, making her shiver. It was always darkest before the dawn, and she wrapped her arms around herself, craving the warmth of his wings again.
But there was no such warmth to be found.
Had she driven him away? Was that what she'd wanted all along? Why she'd really brought up Jason?
If Goliath had stayed, maybe he would have seen that their petty squabble merely masked the fact that she was struggling. That she'd been struggling for weeks, months even. Maybe he would have seen her.
But she didn't want that.
She didn't want him to see how broken she was.
How incapable and disappointing.
Right?
Elisa wrapped her arms even tighter around herself as tears coursed down her face, stinging her eyes and cheeks. Her vision wavered as did her desires. She felt glued to the spot, mired in a haze of indecision.
A church bell tolled somewhere in the distance, pulling her from her swirl of thoughts, reminding her of the hour… and the day.
Halloween.
It was exactly one year to the day since Goliath had nearly bled out and died in her arms.
One year to the day since they'd first professed their love to one another.
One year to the day since everything had changed for them.
A feeling of dread seeped into her bones like the fog that was rolling in off the harbor and cloaked the city in a dark, ominous cloud. Panic gripped her heart as she deeply feared what changes this Halloween night could bring.
