When Sam says that he is unholy, it's resigned.
Deaths around me since I was born, he presents as evidence, without Dean or Dad vouching for me, I think I would've been shot before I turned eighteen. Always knew there was something wrong, deep down. Demon blood rotting my veins.
He doesn't list Lucifer as one of the reasons he's damned. Not to his face, if he does believe it, but Lucifer doesn't think so. They've spent too long entangled. Sam knows his sins as well as his punishment, his part in the grand play and how few scenes he was written to be in before curtain call. Blame grows like vines up a wall, reaching higher and higher for who was actually at fault. Sam was going to be Lucifer's from the moment he fell, but Lucifer was always going to fall. Placing the onus on God is harder for someone who never met him. (Lucifer speaks as someone who can't despite that. Even closing his vessel's eyes can make him feel trapped, and he still loves the God who caged him.)
So, the vines reach nowhere before they're torn down by Sam himself beside the tall stone. He takes their straining bodies and wraps them around himself to mimic chains when no one else will bind him. He leads himself to the gallows to choke for betrayals he had no control over. He thinks he's to blame for being a baby who smiled at a stranger over his crib before the sour taste of sulfur splashed on his tongue. Someone has to be punished for it.
If a stay in Hell couldn't make him feel pure, how does he think tearing himself apart will?
Sam is stubborn, but he was made in Lucifer's image and they both learned from hardheaded older brothers how to stand their ground. As many times as Sam tries to tie his own noose, Lucifer will sit beside him and undo the knots without judgment.
After all, Sam threw him back into Hell, and Lucifer still loves him. He can't blame Sam for anything.
His greatest crime, Sam always claims, was freedom. He knows this, taught to him by Heaven's sifted memories and his brother's scowl at his happiest moments. Lucifer is hungry for every minute of Sam's life that he missed, and though most scars are ones Sam will tell stories about in detail, ("-two of them coming at me, with claws as long as my forearm, and one got lucky-") Lucifer had an easier time wrangling the horsemen than he does getting Sam to tell him about Stanford.
It's strangely easier for Sam when Lucifer wears another face. With long blonde hair falling around his shoulders and soft brown eyes and a mole between his brows that Sam will press a kiss to, he's allowed to hear about that secret life. Sam doesn't call him Jessica anymore, but when he tells Lucifer about her, he holds him like he's half-memory, half-dream. He talks about his other friends, faces that, if he's lucky, he hasn't seen in years, and if he's not… Lucifer still has yet to drag that out of him, even though he knows already about the devils on Sam's shoulder before him.
Lucifer kept track of exactly how long he was locked away, on Earth and in Hell. On Earth, he measure it against the rise of man's empires. As for Hell, humans haven't bothered to invent a number that high. Most of the stars he watched be created and grew alongside are now younger than him by millennia.
So it is not lightly that Lucifer tells Sam that freedom is never a sin.
He's not sure Sam believes him.
Sam will take on every burden tossed his way. Most people seem happy to let him. Lucifer will not see him crushed. He's too lovely for that. Too important. (After all, he's Lucifer's entire world. That must mean he's the center of the universe, more gravitational pull that the sun.)
It has to be like this: in the shade of the Bunker's main building, where the grass grows a deeper shade of green than the other side because the soil is better for reasons Lucifer is still puzzling out, Lucifer pushes Sam into a wall and kisses him. Sam makes a noise, surprise, but he came out on Lucifer's invitation for some fresh air and he doesn't push him away. There are dandelions growing in the crack between the cement and the ground it sticks out of. Lucifer nudges Sam's feet gently to the side so that he doesn't accidentally step on one.
"If you wanted somewhere we could make out in private, my door has a lock," Sam says as Lucifer breaks the kiss to let him breathe. His lungs expand and deflate in a strong, steady rhythm. His heart beats calmly. Lucifer listens to it. He'd gotten used to spending entire nights keeping track of Sam's heart, fear gripping him every time it would skip a beat or weaken. The trials would have taken everything from Lucifer. He is sick of his Father's ultimate sacrifices or how Sam always seems to be the one who must lie down on the altar.
"That's not it," he says. He kisses Sam again for the easy joy of it. Sam melts into him. He has mostly recovered thanks to Lucifer's attention, but sometimes, the weakness will strike back again. Sam's gotten very used to leaning on Lucifer. "I want you to understand something." Sam's mouth curves into a smile. Lucifer lifts a finger to trace the dimple that forms.
"What?" he asks.
"How good you are," Lucifer says. He can feel the words rip through Sam worse than any barb, and that hurts. He's more used to insults than praise, no matter how Lucifer tries to make up the difference.
"Lucifer, that's not-" Sam tries for the first time to push him away, and though Lucifer allows distance between them, he doesn't let Sam run from this. Not when he needs it. Instead, he runs his fingertips gently over Sam's skin while he's kept at arm's length. Sam relaxes under his touch, never fully, but Lucifer is still reintroducing him to all the love he's allowed to have. He trails his touch up Sam's arm to the hand keeping him at bay, firmly clasping Lucifer's shoulder. Lucifer wraps his hand around it.
"This world doesn't deserve you as its savior," he tells Sam. Sam shakes his head, and Lucifer wonders which part he's denying more, that he's too good for the world or that he ever even saved it. They were both there in Stull, two parts of one whole, but somehow it's only Lucifer who remembers it for the victory it was. "It's lucky that you don't care. That all it would take is one decent soul to convince you it's worth it. They don't even have to be pure. They just have to be trying to do better, and you'll walk into fire for them."
"That's just my job," Sam downplays.
"No, your job is to hunt. No one makes you care. You've chosen to do that all on your own, no matter how hard it is." Because it is hard, even for Sam. He's as human as the rest of them. He gets frustrated and angry and hurt. He extends kindness anyway.
Lucifer should know. Who else would find the devil half-dead on their doorstep while trying to close Hell and still bring him in from the cold? Who else would have given him a second chance he never earned?
Sam's grip on his shoulder falters. Lucifer leans back in until his mouth meets Sam's again.
"I wish I could share how I see you, Sam," Lucifer says. "You shine so bright." Sam laughs bitterly like Lucifer's told a poor joke.
"I went to Hell," he argues. "I couldn't even finish the final trial. There's nothing pure, nothing bright, about me."
"Hell tried to snuff you out. The trials tried to burn you until there was nothing left. You are so much more beautiful for having survived them." And beautiful makes Sam flinch. Something Lucifer knows for certain: before him, no one had ever called Sam that, except maybe as a joke. Handsome, sure, and he is, but he's beautiful, too, and Lucifer needs him to believe that. He will, one day. Lucifer is nothing if not persistent.
"Why do you care so much about what I think?" Sam whispers. Lucifer bumps his forehead to Sam's, and Sam's hand comes up to rest on the back of his neck and hold him close.
"Someone should," Lucifer says. He shuts his eyes and thinks for ways to make Sam understand how much this matters. It goes beyond simple pride.
And maybe that's how to show Sam he's serious.
Lucifer presses one more kiss to his lips to steel himself. His grace recoils at the vulnerability of what he wants to give Sam, but he wrestles it into obedience. Sam is blinking back tears, mostly succeeding but for one or two that glance off his cheek as they escape the tip of an eyelash. Lucifer kisses the wet spots they leave.
Arduously, he forces himself to his knees. The very concept of him rebels against it. He sits at Sam's feet like the dandelions beside his heels. It takes everything in him to gaze upwards at Sam and see his expression. Sam's mouth is agape. His hair falls forward into his eyes as he looks back down at Lucifer. He can't seem to remember how to speak, and that's just as well because Lucifer can't either. He reaches up for Sam's hands and manages to capture both of them in his own.
Sam is leaning back against the wall. Lucifer tips into him. His thighs lift off of his heels as he pushes himself forward. He rests his head against Sam's stomach.
It's peaceful. Lucifer won't go as far as to say that he feels like he belongs there, but it's nostalgic, in a way. He forces the air out of his vessel's lungs. It makes the bottom of Sam's shirt ruffle.
One of Sam's hands escapes Lucifer's. It finds its way to the back of Lucifer's head, and the uncertain scratch of nails over his scalp settles him enough that he can speak again.
"You are good," he tells Sam. "You are good. You are good." He repeats himself. He's out of practice with prayer. He hopes the mantra will do. Maybe Sam can teach him a thing or two later.
Sam listens, and maybe, Lucifer hopes, he starts to believe it.
