Chapter 1: I Wish I'd Never Been Born

Chandler Bing trudged back into his hotel room in Tulsa, Oklahoma, sad and alone.

He was also more than a little shaken by the advances his colleague Wendy had made towards him in the office. He'd managed to rebuff those advances, but not strongly enough that when he'd mentioned to his wife Monica over the phone how he was working late with a female colleague – alone – he had heard the threatened and jealous hurt in her voice. The paranoia.

As if he would ever be unfaithful to the love of his life! He knew the long distance was testing their marriage, what with his business commute and being away from her and living out of a suitcase four days a week, but he had hoped Monica would have a bit more faith in him to handle a little separation without being tempted by any opportunity to stray. Chandler loved Monica, and Monica alone.

It stung to know that even if he were to call her right now and tell her nothing had happened with Wendy, that nothing would ever happen with Wendy, Monica wouldn't believe him. She was missing him, and now apparently suspecting that he was betraying him. Even their friends were mad at Chandler for uprooting their dynamic just because he was having to do this for his career – and he hadn't even wanted to get based in Tulsa! Why did he have to fall asleep in that stupid meeting?

Chandler sighed and sat down on the bed, head drooped between his knees. If Monica was that unhappy being away from him, then….. He shook his head. No. He couldn't bear it if she gave up on him, on their marriage, now, after nearly two years as husband and wife. Even as he knew she could find someone so much better than him. Guys would line up around the block for a chance with her; he'd seen men stop and stare at his wife on the street.

…. Maybe she would be better off without him. Maybe all their friends would be too, if they hated him so much for leaving as his long-distance phone calls home seemed to imply.

Chandler groaned, muttering to himself. "Maybe things would be better if I had just never been born….. Yeah…. Sometimes, I wish I had never been born….."

He was suddenly startled by a knock at the door of his hotel room. Odd. He hadn't ordered room service. Then again….. Joey would kill him if he ever found out Chandler had turned down a free meal.

Crossing to the door, Chandler opened it to find an older-looking man dressed in an odd white outfit, somewhat resembling a kind of toga.

"Mr. Bing….?"

Chandler stood aside from the door and frowned leerily. "Yes…..?"

"I'm Clarence Odbody, Special Guardian Angel in Charge. I understand you have just made a wish?"

Chandler let out an awkward laugh. "Look, pal, if you're here for a birthday-gram, I'm not interested. It's not even my birthday!"

He started to shut the door, but Clarence stopped him, smiling kindly. "May I come in, Chandler?"

Chandler frowned hard at how this quirky fellow apparently knew his name; against his better judgment, he stood aside and let the fellow into his hotel room.

"Uh….. who did you say you were again, Mr…..?"

"Odbody. Clarence Odbody. And I told you: I'm your guardian angel."

"Yeah, right!" Chandler laughed. "And I'm the President of the United States!" He shook his head. "Listen, Mr. OddDuck, I don't know what you're trying to solicit, but…."

"Oh, this isn't a solicitation. I grant wishes." Clarence pulled a pad of paper from out of his breast pocket somewhere. "Now: it says here you just made a wish precisely two minutes ago requesting that you never be born?"

Chandler gawked at this guy, completely lost. "….. Wait….. are you wiretapping me? Who put you up to this – Dick Cheney?"

"No wiretaps. Just couldn't help overhearing. Passing by, in the neighborhood. Now did you really just wish that you had never been born?"

"Well, yeah, but it's…." Chandler sighed. "I'm sad. I'm unhappy at my job, one of my colleagues is hitting on me, and my wife back home thinks I'm actually cheating on her!"

"Well, are you?" Clarence quibbled.

"No…..! I would never…. I'm damn lucky to have my wife, believe me! My wife…. She could do so much better than me. But she chose me, God knows why! I'm living out of a suitcase four days a week, all our friends think I'm letting them down, and I miss my wife! So, yeah, a part of me is wishing that I had never been born right about now!" Chandler ranted. "Mon, Pheebs, Rache….. maybe they would all be better off if I just wasn't around."

"Well," Clarence stood with a smile. "If you're sure, I think that can be arranged." With that, the mysterious gentleman snapped his fingers. "There you are, Chandler Bing. You have your wish. You have officially never been born."