I'm still not over GOT3, though it was the best ending to a trilogy Starmora deserved better and I'm still mad at the Russo brothers for Infinity war
Peter laid on his back, dried tears staining his cheeks as he stared at the ceiling of his bunk room, headphones in his ears as the sweet melody of Fleetwood mac filled his ears. The melodic sounds of Stevie nicks soothed his aching soul and made the sadness bearable. Music had been part of his childhood, his mother playing all the songs she had listened to growing up. Allowing Peter to listen to music on the radio and gave him his own tapes of music from home. Saving up all his money for the latest tapes that caught his fancy. The day that Ego destroyed it, he lost a part of his mother and feared he would never get it back, he was forever grateful that Yondu left him this tech before he passed. Kraglin helped him reboot all of his old songs onto the Zune so he still had them. Knowing how much it meant to Peter, that he needed it. The same way Kraglin had Yondu's old fin and arrow, Peter had his Zune and the trinkets that Yondu left on his chair. Peter carried it close to him, he felt comforted knowing that he had some piece of his loved ones left before they had deceased. Memories of happier times, memories of his naiveté, memories of his youth of time on earth, before he was traumatised.
Fleetwood mac had been one of his mother's favourite bands, often playing them as she cleaned, cooked dinner, chilled out or sometimes had a dance in the living room when she needed to relax. She loved sharing her passions with her son, hoping he would appreciate them as much as he grew up. His mother always wearing a smile that warmed his heart, beaming bright like sunshine with endless optimism and happiness. He didn't need to think, he could just switch his brain off, blocking out the world.
No Drax rambling about random stuff or being annoying, no literal comments that would make him uncomfortable, make him feel worse or unintentionally lash out at Draxx due to his own conflicted emotions and mindset.
No Rocket arguing or tinkering about the ship, no sneaking into his belongings, building trinkets or being snarky. As much of an ass that Rocket could be he wasn't heartless, he knew when Peter wanted to be alone and he knew about grief all too well.
No Nebula looming over his shoulder intimidatingly like the silent psychopath that she was. Though she had become more empathetic, mature, protective and respectful. She knew when Peter wanted to be alone, she knew when he was hurting, she knew when he was internalising his feelings. She knew he was complicated, he had matured since they had first met, he truly loved her sister and he was a good captain. She knew all too well the heartache of losing loved ones, the complications of grief and the overwhelming weight of it all. So she made sure Draxx didn't pester Quill or ask inappropriate questions, distracting him with tasks and threatening him if he overstepped his bounds.
Just alone with his thoughts and his grief, able to process his feelings on his own terms without intrusion, Thinking of his childhood, back on earth before he was abducted, before he was ripped away from his home and his grandpa to be sold to his father. Thinking of his mother, of all the happier moments he could think of that he hadn't forgotten or had faded with time. Her warm smile, her gentle hugs, laid on the grass, sobbing as he remembered the last time he saw her. He hated what she became versus the memory he had of her before she became sick, bald, weakened, barely able to speak as she reached her last moments as the cancer ate her alive. The chemo coursing through her thanks to the tumour Ego implanted into her. Knowing that his mother was never crazy, that he was only half human, that his father was truly from outer space. That even though Ego was dead his powers were merely dormant and he could access them with enough focus and training. The celestial part of himself he was still accepting, the knowledge that he wasn't like normal humans, that his lifespan would be greatly expanded. The powers he still didn't understand, the powers that he would someday be able to use. The music helping him focus on his feelings as tears spilled down his cheeks, thinking of his mother, thinking of her smile, her laugh, how happy and vibrant she used to be before the cancer weakened her. Her soft southern drawl, her golden mass of curls like a halo, the way she would tuck him in and hold him close. Thinking of Yondu and despite how strict and mean he could come across, he truly loved Peter as his own son.
He couldn't face the guardians, he couldn't possibly tell them he was afraid. That he couldn't focus on anything, that he couldn't be the leader they needed him to be in that moment. Rocket was piloting the ship in peace with Groot for company, for once Peter had no complaints as he needed headspace and Rocket didn't bait him. Though he and Rocket argued they saw eye to eye and they knew better than to press the others buttons on certain matters. Peter never asked about his past and Rocket never mocked him about his mother. Draxx keeping him company sensing Peter wanted to be alone with his thoughts, having lost his own family he knew the pain Peter was feeling.
Nebula helped Mantis settle into the ship as a newly appointed guardian, she showed her around, showed her to her quarters and explained her role. Mentoring the second celestial and teaching her how to cope, since she had a childlike mind due to Ego's influence.
All of them respecting Peter's privacy and allowed him to mourn in peace, knowing that bothering him wasn't only impolite but disrespectful. It hadn't been much time since Yondu's funeral, many ravagers offering their condolences to Peter. Peter was family to all of them and they all loved him, showing their support to him in the only way they knew how. Learning truths about his childhood that had remained secret for so long, leaving him with fresh wounds of his mother and knowing the truth of why she was killed so soon.
He'd just lost Yondu, the ravager who kidnapped him but raised him as his own son, the only father figure he had. Yondu was far from perfect, he had his own issues and his parenting style wasn't ideal. But he loved Peter in his own way, becoming fond of the boy and taking him in as his ward. Adopting him and raising him as a Ravager so Ego couldn't use him as a hybrid battery. Yondu had no idea how to be a parent, his own parents had sold him when he was Peters age. Peter was stolen from earth when he was a child, robbed from the planet on the day he lost his mother. Running from the hospital into the night air, crying frantically for his mother as he accepted the loss that she was gone. His grandfather never knowing what happened to him, he was busy talking to the doctors as he accepted his daughter was gone. Trying to keep Peter calm as he re-entered the hospital room, the worst day of his life, his daughter was gone forever. Peter felt immense guilt having lived his entire life in space while abandoning the only family he had left. Everything was too much for Peter in that moment, the chaos, the noise, all of it, not even his music could help. All he wanted was his mum, all he wanted was for her to get better but she would never wake up again. Consoling himself as he realised he would have to live without her, only for a strange light to surround him and take him aboard a ship.
Raised as a Ravager by Yondu, taught how to steal, how to sneak around, how to fight and how to use weaponry; how to bargain, how to communicate and more. Yondu having to protect him from the other ravagers who bullied and intimidated him, knowing how frightened Peter was. He was raised among the stars his mother had loved so much, adopting the mantle in memory of her. He never forgot his mother, holding her memory close to his heart always, listening to her music in peace, crying over her memory in private and developing emotional issues as a result. As harsh as Yondu could be, he knew how much Peter's mother had meant to him, that his music was all he had left of her. His wounded inner child never truly healed, the frightened little boy he had been that night. Lost, confused, scared and angry, he ran away from his home, he ran away from the grief he never wanted to face. Repressing his anger, anger at losing his mother, never knowing who his father was, anger at being abducted from earth, anger that he never got to say goodbye. Repressing his sadness, sadness at losing the only parent he ever had, sadness at being too afraid to face her loss, repressing the wish to take her hand knowing she was going to die. The sadness that he would never see her again, that he would be all alone.
The person that brought him into the world had left him all alone to face it; the confusion of her illness, the confusion of the severity of her illness, confusion at what caused her illness. So many more emotions ran through him, never knowing what to do with them all. He just numbed himself to the pain over time, it was easier than facing the grief and the emptiness that followed. He didn't want to talk about his past, he didn't want to talk about his pain. Better than seeing his mother's face and the sharp sting that came with it, the part of himself that constantly longed for her. Knowing that he would spend the rest of his life mourning for her. He couldn't go back to Earth, he couldn't accept the heartache of living without her. Being numb and internalising the grief was all he knew how to do, better than wishing he could go back and see her again, undo his mistakes. Better than accepting he was a child that didn't know better and didn't know how to handle his feelings. The knowledge of the reality of it all, reflecting upon it with adult eyes made it hurt even more.
Music helped him feel, it helped him express himself better than his words ever had, music helped him focus, he could just focus on whatever needed to be done and he wouldn't be distracted. Music was something he needed in his life, as much as it annoyed those around him he didn't have a better way of coping. He always listened to music, he always carried it close to him and protected it at all times.
Though now he laid here alone in his bunk the music filling his ears, lowering his walls, diving into his memories of the life he once had, trying not to cry. His eyes stung bitterly as his vision became glassy, fresh tears spilling down his cheeks and onto the mattress below him. He had so much pain within himself he didn't know how to make it go away. No sobs escaped his lips, just laid silently in his room, locking himself away, stewing in the void of the emptiness that consumed him. No whimpers, no sobs, no screams, no cries, just silent mourning. He wished his mother was by his side now, he wished Yondu was still with him to mentor and guide him, he hated having to say goodbye to them. He wished any of the people he loved more than anything were with him, he wished he could undo their deaths, he wished things could have gone differently. He could see their faces in their mind and for one moment, he could imagine what life could have been like. Just to hold him, sit beside him and reassure him that everything would be ok, that the pain was temporary. He couldn't stop how much it hurt, the aching sadness and longing that never left him, knowing there would be a permanent hole in his soul. Knowing a part of him would always be broken. He just wanted it all to stop for a while, he just wanted time to heal, to have some semblance of a normal life.
Suddenly, the door to his room opened but he didn't move, he didn't shift and he didn't budge, he just laid there, letting them enter. He didn't have the energy to send them away, he didn't have the enthusiasm to give an excuse. He didn't care what they wanted, he didn't care about confrontations. They could whine, berate and complain all they wanted it all seemed meaningless.
Soon a familiar face appeared, like a heavenly being come to console his aching heart. Gamora stood over his bed, her expression filled with empathy, tenderness and concern. Her deep violet eyes gentle, filled with fondness for peter and love for him, he expression radiated worry, silently holding herself back from bombarding him with questions. She and Peter had moved past their unspoken thing, admitting their mutual attraction and how happy they were together. How Peter became grounded, mature and responsible through her. How Gamora learned to be immature, mischievous and relax every now and again due to Peter. She had kept her distance out of respect for his grief, sensing he wanted to be alone for a while, she didn't want to make him uncomfortable. But he had isolated himself in his cabin for hours, he didn't eat, he didn't sleep, he didn't answer anyone on comms. He rarely came out and when he did, he didn't speak he just kept working and communicated when necessary. He just laid in his cabin listening to music and distancing himself, even Rocket was worried about him.
Mantis merely stated she could feel Peter's emotions, his endless sadness, aching emptiness and mourning, how much he yearned for his loved ones. She had never felt such depression from Peter before, his usual awkward and optimistic self had vanished. When Gamora felt it for herself, she couldn't hold back the tears. She couldn't believe Peter was withdrawing himself, choosing to suffer these feelings alone. She could understand his conflicted feelings and mindset, whether he was being a burden, whether they would care, whether he would even let them in. He avoided speaking to all of them, not even Rocket, he just closed himself off and let his emotions storm away inside of him.
He'd lost his mother when he was but a child, now he had learned the person he loved more than anything was secretly murdered by his own father. That her death was never an accident, it was pre planned by his father as a way to remove the distraction of his bigger plans. He knew of Peter's existence and after making sure his mother was out of the picture, he sought him out. The father he idolised and dreamed of meeting was responsible for his mother's death, a maniacal power hungry god and tried to use Peter as a celestial battery to conquer the universe. Every dream, every delusion and every hope he had of the father he imagined Ego to be was a lie, he was never a parental role model. Yondu died for him, protecting him from Ego for years to save his life and rescued him from his father. Yondu knew of every other child Ego had attempted to conceive and the only two that inherited his power was Peter and Mantis. Every other child born was a failure in his eyes so he discarded them.
Gamora knelt, reaching out her hands to delicately pull his Zune headphones from his ears to allow him to hear her. She understood why he would want to be alone, feeling so broken. But she had to reassure herself that he was safe, that he wasn't hurting himself "Peter?" she questioned softly.
Peter's blue eyes averted to hers, bright, glassy and filled with a childlike innocence and sadness "Gamora?" he mumbled, his voice nearly a whimper. Was she really here? Was he dreaming from loneliness? Time had lost all meaning to him, he'd merely laid here in silence for hours as he allowed his sadness to pour through him. He couldn't stand that the man she admired, the man she fell in love with, he was the complete opposite.
Gamora sat beside him on the bed wordlessly, reaching out one of her hands to tenderly grasp one of his. She knew words couldn't help him now, Peter wasn't in a speaking mood and she respected that. He was so lost inside he didn't know what to do with the emotions brewing within him. So she would instead merely be present, silently comforting him. She could see how much he was hurting, crying alone in his room rather than face the guardians and show how much pain he was in, hiding his sadness. She couldn't bear to see Peter like this, knowing he would rather be alone that perceived as a burden. Yondu had meant more to Peter than he had ever cared to admit, the only father he had ever known, regardless of how messy or complicated it became. "How are you feeling?" she asked.
Peter whimpered, fresh tears welling up, how could he possibly tell her? He had never felt so pathetic, he was the furthest thing from being strong or reliable. How could he face her and tell her that he felt as if he was broken? That a piece of himself had been ripped out, crushed and smashed into thousands of pieces. That he may never be the same person again? Why did it hurt so much? He'd lost so many people, all of their faces in his mind, his mind clouded by memories, people he could never forget still haunting him. He wished he could have said goodbye to his mother, he wished he had appreciated Yondu more, he'd lost the first family he ever had before he found the Guardians.
Gamora climbed onto the bed, curling up beside Peter and laid next to him, closing the space between them; staring at him, their faces close together, watching him. He could barely speak, he couldn't make the words come out, she squeezed his hand, continuing to comfort him, reassuring him she was here and she was staying, that she would listen.
He could convey his feelings and she would understand, he was safe with her and she wouldn't judge him. She knew the grief and loss he was feeling, she knew how much it changed you to lose someone. Everything you knew was changed, everything you held dear was ripped from you, and you never knew if you would be the same again. She gently took one of the headphones attached to his Zune, the music playing from it recently uploaded. Peter spent hours using their technology seeking out music that meant something to him, more music from earth that his mother would have liked. The lyrics deep, emotional and raw, unlike anything she had ever heard back home.
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell? Dreams of loneliness? Like a heartbeat, drives you mad. In the stillness of remembering what you had
The soft haunting voice of a woman filled her ears, a gentle melodic sound that was unlike any galactic musicians she had ever heard. It wasn't like any of the music she had heard Peter listen to before, so unlike the upbeat cheerful stuff he usually liked. The woman's voice was soft, filled with pain, heartache and experience, as if mourning something important. She knew not her name, she knew not where she was born, only that Planet was where Peter was from. Only that the band Peter was listening to was from earth and called Fleetwood Mac, a rather unusual name indeed. Somehow the words of the song made sense and perfectly described Peter's pain, mourning the dreams of boyhood he once harboured, the feelings he harboured and the lost part of himself he abandoned.
Peter swallowed, Stevie Nicks lyrics helping him to grieve, singing of her own trauma's, heartache, and complications of growing up. When he was left alone with his thoughts, he thought he would suffocate under the weight of them. Dreams of his mother, dreams of his childhood before he lost her, raised by a single mother in the south. He missed her so much sometimes he felt like he was going mad, just as Stevie said, like he would never be able to move on from it. His robbed childhood of a mother who never got to fully raise him, who never got to see him grow up, aware she was leaving her only son alive in the world to fend for himself. An already fatherless boy who would never know where his father came from. Telling him stories of a man who came from the stars but never came back for her. The loss of his own innocence, a life he never got to live, unable to grow up around kids his age and instead became a criminal. The dreams of what could have been his life had she never died, had he never been abducted from earth. He wanted them back so badly but he knew that would never happen, he knew he would never be that young boy again. All of his family back on earth either forgot him or were most likely already deceased. This was his reality, he was a space bandit who saved the galaxy and redeemed himself.
Gamora gazed back at him, Peter had never seemed more human than he had in that moment. In awe of how different he had become, in awe of the kind of man he was capable of being. Instead of the usual cocky, mischief and stubbornness that Peter was known for, the arrogant, sneaky Ravager that Yondu raised; she could see the real Peter that hid underneath that personality. The face he hid from the world around him out of shame, the longing, the emptiness, the wounded inner child that still yearned for his mother. The broken heart, the confusion, the anger, the sadness and the endless longing for love. The courage, the idiot, the hopeless but well intentioned fool she fell in love with. Peter lost his mother just as she had watched her people be slaughtered by Thanos, the only home he had ever known was taken away from him. Forced to mature and survive the only way he knew how, he never got closure just as she never had. Trying so badly to run from his past so he never had to remember, so he never had to go back to that place. Now he could finally start to heal, licking each other's wounds and finally able to grow because of the other. Peter could accept that his mother was gone, but he would always hold her fondly in his heart, he would always keep her close. Gamora could mourn the girl she was and the woman she became, that she found safety in the family she found. Music wasn't just a form of entertainment to Peter, a way for him to be happy and goof around. It was how he expressed himself, how he found comfort, how he held his memories and how he remembered his loved ones. How he remembered his mother, how he remembered Yondu and memories he made with the guardians. He was terrified of being alone, terrified of being abandoned again, terrified of losing the ones he loved. He was scared of losing what he had found, scared of saying goodbye again, scared that everyone he loved would inevitably leave him.
She reached out her hand to cup his face, stroking away the tears that spilled "I'm here Peter, I always will be, I promise" she soothed. She couldn't imagine her life without the guardians, their adventures, their accidents, their memories, their humour. They all found each other and had formed a bond, making the best of their losses. But Peter had wormed his way into her heart, he'd gone from an obnoxious womaniser and a petty thief, to an admirable leader, a monogamous charmer and a captain. He still had his moments of immaturity but for different reasons. The unspoken thing they had always sensed, always felt, always known, but they denied vehemently.
It was love, there was no other word to explain the way they felt about each other. How they were the others home, how they couldn't imagine their life without the other. Pure, unwavering, devoted love. Peter was Gamora's first serious love and Gamora was Peter's first serious relationship. The same way Peter would do anything for her, she would return that sentiment, he'd risked his life for her at the prison, he'd nearly gotten himself killed saving her from dying in space. They had nearly died for each other again and again, terrified of losing the other.
Peter licked his lips, he believed her, he could hear no lie in her voice, no ulterior motives. She would follow him, come hell or high water, whatever life brought them. He wanted to be alone, he didn't want anyone to see him looking so pitiful, but he wanted her here, he wanted Gamora here. The only woman in the galaxy who he had once feared, the daughter of Thanos who was more than the killer people saw her as. He needed her warmth, her gentle words, her needed her solace, just to cry in her arms and know he was safe. "Stay" he asked, he just needed her here.
Gamora smiled, she knew he wouldn't ask her such a thing if he didn't mean it.
Rocket was steering the ship, Groot was keeping him company
Drax was occupied
Nebula was babysitting Mantis
She had nowhere to be, she had no priorities and if it was urgent she would be summoned, she couldn't push him away as he was pleading for her to comfort him. She didn't want to leave Peter alone, her own worry for him would just gnaw away at her and she would never be able to focus. Her mind wandering back to him and hoping he was coping, at least here her mind would be at ease and she could hold him close. She could lay here with him alone, just holding him and comforting his broken soul "Of course" she smiled. Peter nuzzled closer to her, burying himself against her like a small animal seeking warmth, hiding his face. She could see his flushed cheeks, puffy red eyes and feel him shaking. Gamora wrapped her arms around him, burying her nose in his hair and breathing in his shampoo, holding him closer to her, protectively holding him to her chest trying to chase away his sadness. The music of Fleetwood mac filling their ears, filling the room.
Peter had never felt so small, so fragile and so broken before, a side of him she rarely saw sober, a side of himself he rarely showed others. He wanted to be the leader they could respect and admire, the kind of man he worried he never could be. She wanted to alleviate his pain, she wanted to protect his broken heart, she wanted to heal the wounds he endured. She had never known love, she had never known such a thing, she had only known fear and survival. The only person she cared for was her sister Nebula, the only sibling she had ever been attached to. The only person worth anything in the world to her. But now she had someone else, someone who brought out the best in her, someone who made her realise she was more than a killer. Someone she fell in love with when she least expected herself to, the person who ended up being her match, a person who made her smile. That oblivious idiot who had a dorky smile who warmed her heart with his endearing stories and idiocy, as reckless, complicated, stubborn and foolish as he could be; she would never have him any other way.
Gamora didn't show vulnerability easily, she didn't lower her guard easily. Having fun, being reckless, having companionship and people she could confide in, it was a new feeling to her. The lessons Thanos taught her, the training and abuse she endured, it wasn't an easy mindset to break. Peter respected and understood that, he didn't try and change her, he just knew there was more to her. She loved hearing his stories, no matter how awkward, embarrassing, stupid or personal they were, she loved hearing them. Envisioning the boy he was and the man he became, "I love you Peter, more than anything" she reminded him. She loved his stories, she loved how much he loved music and she loved how safe she felt with him; and how safe he felt with her.
