Eldritch Deep

Summary: Monsters aren't real ... Right? Well, Lovecraft apparently didn't get the memo. The ADA are kind of sick of Dazai's visitors.

Part 8 of Dazai's Strangest Guests

Unlike the other times Dazai received a bizarre guest, this time, things were considerably different.

First of all, it happened when the Agency was down in the Uzumaki cafe. Lucy wasn't working in the cafe that day, though she didn't tell anyone, not even Atsushi - whom she was ready to fight Akutagawa over sometime last week, according to Kyouka - as to why. Second of all, Ranpo was in a slump because Poe had to cancel their not-a-date that day, so much so that he couldn't even eat more than two deserts before he was full, earning himself concerned glances from the cafe owner and the usual waitress Dazai used to propose with double suicide on the regular.

(She had been shocked the first time he didn't do it after he got together with Chuuya in a romantic sense, but they had, apparently, found a new way to have friendly banter. Also, apparently, Dazai has been paying his tab regularly this whole time and the waitress was just in on the gag to make Kunikida's blood pressure reach new limits! Truly deserving to be called Dazai's bestie, that woman.)

Because he was in such a dump, Dazai had been the only one to question why both of the (former) Guild friends were suddenly so busy on the same day but figured he could let it go for now. Fitzgerald would surely inform him if something big is happening and the American wasn't about to try to reenact his first plans for Yokohama, so he didn't think there was much to be worried about at the moment.

The third strange thing about Dazai's newest 'guest' is that he was preceded by a panicking Sigma that burst into the cafe with none of his usual social grace and unwillingness to inconvenience others.

"Dazai-san, please save me!" The Sky Casino Manager slash Armed Detective Agency member wailed, fairly flinging himself at the now standing bandaged man, trusting from experience that Dazai could, indeed, hold his weight despite his stick figure appearance. "Please save me! It wouldn't stop following me around! All day! I've been trying to escape it all day and yet it just follows me! I can't take it anymore! Please help me!"

"Now, now, Sigma, please calm down," the brunet tried to sooth him. He made no move to detangle Sigma from his body because he could actually feel Sigma shaking like a soaked, spooked cat. "I'm sure we can deal with whatever's been stalking you. Well, unless it's a dog."

"If only! I can deal with a street mutt!"

"What's all of this about then, hmm?"

And that's where the strange thing number four about this visit comes in.

Literally.

Because, for once, the visitor isn't some long lost friend, estranged family member or unique acquaintance from Dazai's past that Dazai already knows quite well.

"Hello," drawls Lovecraft in a monotone, waving a hand made up of tentacles at the Armed Detective Agency members. Or, well, Dazai in particular.

Sigma and the waitress screech.

Kunikida, Yosano and Kyouka reach for their weapons, Atsushi and Demon Snow at the ready with tiger claws and a katana. Kenji follows suit because everyone else is gearing up but he refrains from ripping out a booth to use as his weapon of choice.

Ranpo actually lifts his head to arch an eyebrow at the weird Guild member.

And Dazai just sighs. "Put your weapons down. We can't fight him. We don't have the slug here."

"Then call Nakahara Chuuya immediately!" Squeaks Sigma, still clinging onto Dazai for protection. Thankfully, the brunet was finally back to a 100% after his stint in Meursault, so at least no one had to worry about aggravating any injuries and Sigma could use Dazai for protection all he wants. "He'll probably break the sound barrier to get here for you!"

"I come ... in peace ... " Lovecraft said and Dazai massaged his forehead when that only made everyone more tense.

"You saying that while looking like that isn't doing you any favors. Put those away and sit down already, will you?" He ordered, even if he didn't formulate it as such, but Lovecraft listened and the tentacles turned back into a hand. He sat down at a chair Dazai dragged over before going back to his seat, too, now sharing the booth with Sigma, who was still eyeing Lovecraft suspiciously with distrustful and honestly kinda traumatized light coral colored eyes. The rest of the Agency rearrange their seats so Atsushi, Kyouka and Kunikida are right behind Lovecraft, in case they need to subdue him, while Yosano, Tanizaki, Naomi, Kenji and Ranpo moved to the booth behind Dazai, where they can provide support if needed. Dazai just looked resigned as he picked up his tea - the Mister really mastered the tea craft pretty quickly, too, even Sebastian approved and Kiye's butler was a hard-to-please-perfectionist to the core - and got down to business before the tensions escalated to the point he would actually have to call Chuuya, which isn't good considering the surprise he set up for him today. "So, what brings you here, Lovecraft-san?"

"Mommy and Daddy are fighting again."

Dazai choked on his tea, coughing up a storm as a frantic Sigma immediately tried to help him. Meanwhile, Kyouka had Lovecraft in between her tanto and Demon Snow's sword.

The rest just gawked, unsure if they heard the scary-looking guy correctly.

"I'm sorry, what?" Kunikida asked, stressing out the last word in a desperate bid to understand.

"Dazai-san, are you alright?" Kenji asked worriedly when Dazai gulped down a whole glass of water the waitress brought over to help him calm down.

"I'm fine, Kenji-kun. Thanks," he said to the blond, the three-year-old Book creation and the waitress before focusing back on Lovecraft, who had just tilted his head and watched with curiosity. "So, Steinbeck and Fitzgerald are fighting over the Guild again, huh? I'm guessing they both summoned you for a contract and now you're thorn?"

"Contract?" Yosano echoed with furrowed brows.

"Summoned?" Ranpo repeated, incredulous.

"How did you know the Guild was fighting?" Junichiro asked, curious but disturbed by the other facts oh so casually dropped by the senior detective.

Dazai looked over his shoulder at them. "Oh, right, you guys probably don't know."

"Know what, Dazai-san?" Atsushi asked.

"You know how No Longer Human can nullify the vampirism in everyone but Bram-san himself?" He watched as they all nodded. "That's because his Ability mutated his very cell structure and DNA. I'm guessing the only way No Longer Human could work on him is if he drinks my blood directly from me so my Ability would have a direct conductor to his DNA sequences. Howard P. Lovecraft is in the same boat as Bram Stoker, in that sense," he explained, looking back towards his 'guest'. "In other words, Lovecraft is no longer human. Am I right?"

"Why ask if you ... already know?"

Dazai shrugged amidst his stunned coworkers. "It's always nice to have it confirmed, I guess. So, the Guild is having another inner power struggle; that doesn't explain why you sought me out, though."

Lovecraft tilted his head by a full 180° in the opposite direction, looking like it's just lolling from side to side with no support in his neck. "Are you not the one ... in this city ... to go to when ... something is amiss?"

Dazai brought up a hand to rub away at a rising potential migraine again. "This is Bram-san asking why his internet isn't working all over again."

Yes, Bram and Dazai ended up being friends, if anyone's asking. It was hard for them not to end up being friends when Dazai gave him some land just outside of Yokohama, won him the custody over Aya from her shit father, got them a car and driver to take them anywhere, arranged for Kenji to go cultivate his land every other week, bought him the best surround system and every imaginable device that plays music, got him an unlimited, super fast internet and TV deal and got all the world's governments off his ass by convincing Fukuzawa to let Bram do an entrance exam for the Agency so they can make sure no one can control his Ability the way Fukuchi had. He was an official, on-call supporting member of the Armed Detective Agency, pretty much like Oda. The real reason Dazai and Stoker got along so well, however, was that Dazai could understand his most archaic mumble jumble. Aya was in awe of him while Bram was just happy to have someone to rant to, occasionally, who understood every word.

Also, another big reason those two were friends is because Dazai had the surprising amount of patience needed to not only teach Bram about the technologies of the modern world but to answer his questions and occasionally act as tech support.

As such, just last week, Dazai had spent an hour on call with Bram trying to explain to him why the wi-fi had to stay on if he wanted to watch cute bat clips on YouTube or if he wanted to listen to music on streaming services.

Aya and Chuuya could be heard snickering on both sides of the call, the ginger gremlins that they were.

"Are you not ... Fitzgerald-sama's ... friend?"

The brunet ran a hand through his hair. "That's ... That's really stretching it, you know?"

Lovecraft gave him an actual flat, deadpan look, intentionally. "Was that a pun?"

At this point, Dazai was just ... So Done™️ and Lovecraft had only been here for ten minutes.

"Wait, so, when he was using his tentacles on Haruno-san and I," Naomi began her question, her whole face pale but she looked like she would start turning green real soon, too. "He was ... actually ... touching us?"

"Wasn't it Steinbeck who captured you?"

"But in that case he still touched Nii-sama with his slimy tentacles! You're a pervert!" Naomi accused, pointing at the eldritch creature of unknown origin that may or may not be human at all. "And also, no, it was definitely this guy who directly touched us!"

"Is that so?" Their surroundings flickered with Matrix-like green snowflakes before No Longer Human canceled it out when the illusion came in contact with and tried to settle over Dazai.

"Tanizaki-kun, please control yourself. You may be ginger, but you're not Chuuya," came the tired response from the younger genius. "Back to the topic at hand, if we may ... Well, this actually explains why Lucy and Poe are so busy all of a sudden," he mused and Ranpo perked up.

He smacked himself over the head. "How could I be so blind!? I am a failure as the world's greatest detective!" He wailed dramatically, causing everyone from the Agency to sweatdrop at his antics. For once, it wasn't Dazai creating the drama, even though it was, indeed, him who had the weirdest fucking guest he's received so far and they all really thought they'd seen everything from the moment Rimbaud walked into their office. (Yes, resurrection was still at the top of the list, though Sigma had nearly topped Rimbaud and Oda.)

"That aside, what, exactly does me being ... acquaintances with Fitzgerald have to do with this little ... " Dazai choked a snort back down, or was it bile? "Lovers' quarrel?"

"Is it not your ... duty, if not to him then to this city ... to stop another war?"

"If it was my duty to stop wars," Dazai drawled in a deadpan. "I'd demand heavy compensation for having to deal with all those world leaders' bullshit for even five seconds." But Lovecraft just continued staring at him blankly. It reminded both Yosano and Dazai a bit too much of Elise's empty, lifeless gaze. The brunet sighed and got up. "Fine. I'll go deal with the dumb blondes." Atsushi, Tanizaki and Kunikida choked, even if they had no food or drinks in their mouths. Yosano, Naomi and Ranpo, on the other hand, cackled. And Dazai wasn't even done as he downed his tea and shuffled elegantly - how that manages to be elegant, only Dazai will ever know - towards the door to leave the cafe. "Americans, I swear."

Lovecraft followed him with his gaze, even as his neck cracked a bit and his skin stretched horrifically when he had to turn his head around like an owl a full 180° at the most unnatural human angle ever. It actually stopped the trio's laughter. Sigma looked traumatized. Kenji just watched in curiosity while Kyouka readied Demon Snow at the strange display. "Thank you ... man in the front."

Dazai waved him off and left.

There was a tense moment of silence.

"Mr Octopus, sir!" Kenji chirped, calling for the Guild member's attention., thankfully making Lovecraft stop with the owl impression. "Why did you call Dazai-san 'man in the front'?"

"He was a decoy," was Lovecraft's simple answer.

"... I'm not the only one lost, right?" Atsushi asked and Kunikida and Sigma nodded to assure him they were not following, either.

"Decoy for what?" Curiosity got the better of fear-disgust, so that question came from Naomi.

"The one with the heavy fist."

"He means Mr Fancy Hat," Ranpo translated when everyone still seemed confused, like Lovecraft was speaking a whole new language.

"Yes, he was ... wearing a ... fancy hat ... I'm so tired ... I want to sleep ... I'm hungry ... "

The Agency kind of sweatdropped at that but Kenji, being the sweet soul that he was - and also knowing a thing or two about sleepiness and hunger - ordered him some food, causing even the Mister and the waitress to sweatdrop but comply, anyways. They also gave him a coffee on the house; he really looked like he needed it.

"How did you even get the idea to go to Dazai if something is brewing in the Guild?" Yosano asked as they all watched with amusement as Lovecraft discovered the masterpiece that is the Mister's coffee and the reason why the Agency would probably be willing to go to war for him. Well, they have, in the past. Rather recently, at that. You just don't mess with the Armed Detective Agency or their favorite cafe. "I mean, sure, we know that when shit hits the fan, it's best to just turn to Dazai and let him manipulate everything into settling down again, with or even without assistance, and obviously the Port Mafia and the Special Abilities Department knows, but how would you know to go to him? You weren't even here for most of his best work to make that conclusion."

"I've been sleeping ... in the Yokohama Bay," replies the tall, long haired man. Though Yosano wasn't commenting on this guy's good looks, unlike the last three times tall, long haired men visited Dazai. (Though she hadn't immediately commented on Sigma, either. Besides, he was adorable, like a kitten, as opposed to Rimlaine, her ship!) "Most of the happenings from above ... reach me down there."

"Ah," Ranpo sounded in understanding. He rolled his eyes when he saw no one else got it. Nothing new, but still disappointing.

"So I've heard when ... Things got loud," continues the explanation, now intercepted with sips of delicious coffee and bites of an equally delicious beef sandwich. "And when they went quiet again ... Then I learned that the man in the front ... was unavailable in the loud times but came back ... right before the quiet times ... So I thought to myself, the man in the front keeps it all quiet. I figured he can help."

"Ah," Sigma says in understanding. "Yeah, that's the feeling I get from Dazai-san, too. The second he's down or out or gond, chaos ensues."

"Don't be ridiculous," huffed Kunikida. "Dazai is the agent of chaos! He's not the one preventing it!"

"I don't know, Kunikida-san," Atsushi argues, a lot more confidently than he would have just months ago. "In the time I've been in the Agency, each time Dazai-san was unavailable, unaccounted for or incapacitated, more trouble came our way. I mean, Dazai-san was kidnapped by the Port Mafia and then Akutagawa nearly shipped me and Kyouka-chan off to who knows where. Dazai-san was unavailable for a couple of hours and Q's Ability was used to nearly burn Yokohama to the ground. Dazai-san was taken(?) during the Dead Apple incident and a couple of hours later there was a huge dragon threatening to destroy Yokohama while we were all desperately fighting our Abilities just to survive to see daylight and all non-Gifted were simply gone because of the Dragon's Breath. Then Dazai-san got shot during that whole Cannibalism and Rats of the House of the Dead incident and we declared war on the Port Mafia and Dostoevsky even as we lacked the insight from the one person capable of successfully dealing with them. Then Dazai-san took a day off and we were declared terrorists. Then Dazai-san was arrested and we nearly got killed in the fuck-fest Fukuchi created in Yokohama. All of those things were more or less solved when Dazai-san came back. I mean, we definitely couldn't have defeated that dragon; it was a singularity! It would have wiped us out! And we were only able to arrest Dostoevsky thanks to Dazai-san. And the latest fuck-fest was only fixed thanks to Dazai-san, too, especially since only No Longer Human can nullify the One Order and the vampirism, even if Stoker-san had withdrawn his control over the vampires and gave them back their will. So it makes perfect sense that someone would think of Dazai-san as the problem-solver and chaos-deterrent, especially considering that this trend, apparently, goes back to his Mafia roots, too."

"Exactly," Sigma nodded, leaning over to high-five his fellow white-haired-saved-by-Dazai-and-brought-into-the-Agency friend. "Especially since with Dazai-san comes Nakahara Chuuya as an expected bonus. And anyone else, like Rimlaine or that Adam fellow. He was nice. Though he definitely had a crash in his system when he first saw Rimlaine together."

"I bet Dazai's twitching somewhere in the city right now," Ranpo commented with a grin, since Dazai definitely cringed anytime someone referred to his French friends as 'Rimlaine'. Well, too bad for him! Everyone agreed that it was better than 'French Soukoku', including his own partner, so Dazai will just have to get used to it. "And they're right, Kunikida. Dazai's essential to the city and the Tripartite system if we want to keep it up and running smoothly. After all, just like you're bound to inherit the Agency one day and Sakaguchi is likely to succeed Taneda-san, Dazai will either take over the Mafia after Mori or the entire Tripartite system from Natsume-sensei, depending on which one will do the job better for his own plans. Dazai may seem lazy - and he is, regarding office work - but protecting the city that has the Book is no easy task~ So give him some slack, ne, neee~"

"See? I was right ... To seek out the man in the front," Lovecraft boasted at the blond idealist, who just rolled his eyes at them all.

"Do you think he'll actually be able to stop the Guild from having their own civil war?" Tanizaki asked. "I mean, I'm not that good with American history, but I'm pretty sure they had a civil war and are quite proud of it?"

"Maah, Dazai's got it in the bag," Ranpo waved him off and slumped back in his seat, pouting all over again. "I just hope he's quick about it. I already miss Poe and Karl."

"You could always go bother poor Mushitaro-san," Sigma pointed out.

"It's not the sameeeeeee~" Was Ranpo's mini tantrum disguised as a response.

"May I have seconds?" Lovecraft asked, done with both his food and drink and the waitress and the Mister exchanged glances before shrugging, deciding to just add it to Dazai's tab.

It is his guest, after all.

(And Dazai did end up settling the Guild's mess, too.

Lovecraft had given him a wonderful idea, actually, and so he'd contacted one Zelda Fitzgerald, who got a bit too charmed by him but knew not to continue insisting on flirting with him when his partner - Chuuya had refused to let him go amongst the two opposing sides of the Guild without any backup - came into view on the video call. She supported fidelity, it seems, but! She wasn't opposed to polyamory! And that's a mess Fitzgerald and Steinbeck will have to deal with now because what Zelda wants, Zelda gets.

So Dazai ended up with a new tea buddy - to his delight! - Lovecraft didn't have to choose between 'Mommy' and 'Daddy'; Steinbeck got his partner back, for better or worse; Poe actually got back in time to have at least a shortened version of his not-date with Ranpo, which immediately cheered up the master detective; Lucy also got back to her by now preferred job; the cafe got a new loyal patron, who often paid by himself but they also often still placed it on Dazai's tab and Lovecraft suddenly had a whole lot more energy even without sleeping in the depths of Yokohama Bay; Lovecraft even got two new friends in the two former Decay of Angels, though he and Stoker got along far better than him and Sigma since he still freaked the Book-creation out; Zelda got a younger boytoy to pamper and to grow her vineyards while Fitzgerald and Steinbeck got stuck trying to navigate the relationship Dazai - pettily - shoved them into for making him do more work to keep the balance of Yokohama safe.

Somewhere down the line, they ended up being grateful to him for it, but for now they suffered as they surrendered to all of Zelda's whims.

Dazai just watched from the sidelines and cackled like a true villain, befitting his most infamous moniker.)

Just another day in Yokohama ...

OWARI