Fairy 6.3: Beachhead
Genesis
June 24, 2020
Seafolk Village is marvelous at dawn. There's a sea breeze running through your hair and the path sways with the waves under your feet. The world feels in motion while also being quiet. Peaceful. Like you can simply exist with the vast sea below and the endless sky above. The sky is lit up in shades of pink and orange. The water is just calm enough to reflect the sunset.
That's only half the view. You aren't quite holding hands. But! Your girlfriend is holding onto you. Trusting you to take her where she needs to go. It's maybe even more special than hand holding. The wind has left her hair entirely disheveled. You're pretty sure it's longer than when you were last traveling together but the memories are fuzzy. You vaguely remember being mad that she cut it kind of short. And it is better long. She's wearing a woven orange dress that matches the sunrise. The bottom flows in the wind around her toned calves. The dawn makes even her harsher features look soft. She's breathtaking. Just looking at her now makes your heart flutter.
Cuicatl looks away from you. Did she hear that? She said that she usually picks up on thoughts about her while you're touching. As embarrassing as it is you kind of hope she did hear. She can't see how pretty she is so you'll gladly tell her.
"Lyra's prettier." Cuicatl grumbles.
"How do you know that?"
"People treat her differently. Treat you differently." She slows a step and stumbles over her feet when you accidentally keep tugging her along.
"I'm sor—"
She waves the hand holding Coco's leash. "It's fine. Um. Just. Even Kekoa thought you were beautiful."
"Oh." Memories, fake ones, come to mind. "Did anything ever happen between us? Me and him." He and I. Ms. Rivers would have snapped at you for that. Your head aches at the thought.
Cuicatl snickers. "Don't think so. You hated each other. Well, no. He hated you. I think you cared about him but were kind of an ass about his gender."
That sounds about right. You were kind of an ass to yourself about being gay. No. More than kind of an ass.
You feel Cuicatl squeeze your arm. "He forgave you for it."
"Oh. Good." Cuicatl's face betrays no emotion. She's been weird about Kekoa lately. Going back and forth between rage, sadness, and apathy. It's best not to mention him unless she brings it up. And now you don't know what to say. They'll meet again? Might be a lie and you don't know if Cuicatl even wants to. He handled everything terribly? She knows that.
Coco snorts before you can settle on something.
"I know," Cuicatl assures her. "I don't like it, either."
You don't press. Sometimes you can only understand half of your girlfriend's conversations and that's fine. If she wants you to know the rest, she'll tell you.
Pixie breaks the moment by walking to the edge of the boardwalk, kicking up a leg, and peeing into the ocean. Once she flicks her tails and walks away, Coco walks into place and pees in the exact same patch of water. You glance at Ferny to see if he wants to join. The leafeon looks at you with judgment in his eyes. Like you're the weird one here.
No one talks for a while. That's fine. The view is nice and now you aren't distracted. Well. You're still a little distracted. How do you get Cuicatl to understand how pretty she is? The easy answer, a mirror, doesn't really work. No. You'll have to think of something special. A surprise. Which you shouldn't plan while touching her.
Well. There is something you could do. You've never done it before. Never for real, anyway. You aren't sure when that's supposed to happen in relationships. You aren't sure how to ask and—
"I want to."
Right. Psychic.
You slow to a stop and try to figure out how to do this. Probably going to have to drop Ferny's leash but you don't think he'd run off. He doesn't really like running. Coco's well trained so no problem if Cuicatl drops her leash. Should you pick her up? You aren't sure you're strong enough.
Cuicatl rolls her eyes, stands on her tiptoes, and reaches out for your shoulders. You help her find them and bend down a little towards her face. Um. Oh crap how are you even supposed to do this. Just. Put your lips together? You try that and reality glitches for a moment. Not like before. You're still aware, still feeling the softness of her lips against yours, her warmth pressed against your chest, and unfamiliar but perfectly her scent of her hair. You experience but you can't think. And then the thoughts rush in all at once. Did you brush your teeth thoroughly enough? Sometimes you can forget. Should you open your mouth a little? Is that allowed? Should you try to pick Cuicatl up all the way? You aren't sure you're even strong enough— Your girlfriend giggles and pulls away slightly. You like being this close to her. You unconsciously run your tongue over your lips and taste the vanilla of her lip balm.
"I don't know how to do this, either," she confesses.
Even her voice is beautiful. You don't know why she agreed to this, how you were lucky enough to meet her, but maybe Xerneas is willing to show you some kindness after all.
She leans back in and you kiss again. At some point your arms end up around her waist, pulling her into you so she knows you want her. Badly. When the second kiss breaks Cuicatl is smiling brighter than you've ever seen before. She lowers herself down and nuzzles into your shoulder.
"Thank you."
Pixie huffs in annoyance. What sounds like annoyance, anyway. You don't speak fox. You ignore the vulpix. So does Cuicatl. Feeling her warmth pressed against you and smelling her shampoo. Which doesn't really smell like anything you know. Vibrant. Kind of fruity?
{Flower from Anahuac's forests. Dr. Karashina talked me into getting it. Glad you like it.}
It's cool that your girlfriend can talk to you without opening her mouth and breaking the moment. Her mental voice is soft when she's happy like this. The words are ephemeral, melting away as soon as you can understand them. If you weren't expecting it, they could almost sound like your own thoughts.
Cuicatl finally pushes away when Pixie yaps.
"Fine. We can do this in air conditioning."
The fox snorts before starting to slowly walk away down the boardwalk.
"Did that make you feel better?" you ask. Even though you kind of know the answer.
She traces her hand against your arm until she finds its usual spot. You think her cheeks are a little darker than usual. Might just be the light, though. {Yes.}
You almost ask her how she decides what to say in her mind or with her voice but stop at the last minute. Someone might overhear.
{Whichever feels right.}
"Oh." Simpler than you were expecting. With how smart she is you kind of thought there might be a rule or a strategic purpose.
Cuicatl squeezes your arm and turns towards Pixie. Seems like she held onto her leash during this. You need to bend down and pick yours up.
You find your thoughts drifting back over what just happened when something weird stands out.
"Why'd Shirona have to talk you into getting something you like?"
Cuicatl squirms a little beside you. "They don't make it here. Had to import it. Kind of expensive. Worth it if you like it."
Right. Cuicatl hates spending her money. But she will on you because you don't have any. Or a way to make any. She does that on top of everything else she's done for you before and will have to do in the future.
You should try to make your own money. That might start with getting on the island challenge again. Then you can do VStar work like her.
"Ordinarily it wouldn't be easy to just restart after a break that long," the nurse tells you. The 'ordinarily' part gives you hope. Even if everything else makes you feel a little guilty. Like you failed her, somehow. "We're being really lenient right now because of The Blackout, so just showing me your license and telling me you plan to participate is good for now. You remember the rules, right? You're only guaranteed a spot in Centers for the next month unless you can clear a trial or grand trial. Then you might not get a spot even if you're in a challenger's group."
"I know."
You're pretty sure you could go fight Nanu now. Maybe you'd do okay. He was mean to Cuicatl. First grand trials are supposed to be kind of easy, you know that, but he might be mean to you and use his incineroar or something.
"And this isn't official, but." She leans in like she's going to tell a secret. "You sure you want to restart here? Poni's been even worse than normal after The Blackout. Too many hungry predators. Not many Centers to retreat to if you get hurt. I would recommend going back to the other islands. Saving Poni for last."
"I'm with two experienced trainers."
"I know." Of course she does. She's cared for their pokémon. "That doesn't mean Poni is going to be safe. They'll have to spread their teams a little thinner to protect you if you're under attack. Are you sure you can't break away for a while and go somewhere safer?"
"No. I'm dating one of them." Your brain catches up with your mouth and you freeze. Should you have said that? What if they're homophobic? She knows you're rooming with two girls. Had to explain things to her when you asked for a room with them despite not being on the island challenge. There was extra space so you got in and everything worked out—
The nurse laughs and you shrink into yourself. Great. She's laughing at you. "That's not the worst reason I've heard to take on Poni. Alright. Just remember to be very careful. I see you've cleared trials on Ula'Ula and Akala. Those can be tough, but Poni is far more dangerous. Be on guard whenever you're in the field."
Not laughing at you. Good. Then you remember almost getting attacked by a pangoro on Ula'Ula. This is going to be worse than that? No. It's fine. Cuicatl and Lyra can keep you safe.
"Okay. You know that Mina is on vacation for another two weeks, right?"
"Yes." Your girlfriend had mentioned it. That's why you're not staying in the village for too long.
"First order of business: What can your pokémon do?" Lyra asks.
"Cloudy can change the weather, I think Ferny can tackle hard or slash with his leaf, Bubbles can cause rain, shoot out, well, bubbles, or put enemies to sleep. I've never battled with Oliver."
She pinches her nose. "Do you know move names?"
Maybe you did once. A few months off the trail, three evolutions, and some brain damage later? No. She must read the answer from your face. Other people are always much better at that then you.
"Okay. Worse than Cuicatl. Got it."
"She's not a bad trainer," you protest. On your behalf or your girlfriend's. Both? She seemed good at battling against Nanu.
"Her strength is finding naturally strong pokémon and convincing them not to kill her, not in further honing pokémon's strength. It works well enough for the island challenge. I have questions about her future as a battler after that." She shakes her head. "Off topic. The point is that I need to start your training at a very basic level. I'll put your pokémon on a field against mine and see what they do in a fight. Then we can get you some move names, train your pokémon to do the commands you call, and talk some very basic strategy."
She's explaining it almost too patiently. Like people sometimes did right after…everything. Your brain glitched out and you couldn't trust your memories, but that didn't make you dumber. Cuicatl treated you the same. Kekoa mostly did, probably, in that he was still rude. It was just the times that you had to go out and meet other people that you got the pity looks. This feels like that.
"I'm not winning, am I?"
She shrugs. "You're going into the third trial with three fully evolved pokémon and a single-stage. Strictly speaking, your team is more mature than Cuicatl's. About as mature as mine. That's a big advantage."
"Okay, then." You take a deep breath and roll your shoulders before planting your feet firmly on the ground. Confidence. Determination. Fake it until you make it. You're doing this for Cuicatl. "Let's get training."
You really, really try to pay attention to training. For an hour or so you succeed. You learn the different kinds of tackles and slashes Ferny can do, how to order Count Cloudy to change the weather and what attacks are weather-affected, that Oliver can put opponents to sleep, too, and that Sir Bubbles runs away less as a politoed. And screams a lot more. Lyra has to work to get the politoed to attack rather than just bounce in place and scream until his challenger goes away. That apparently works in the wild. Usually. Lyra says that sometimes it just draws the attention of an even bigger predator.
An hour in Cuicatl comes to visit and suddenly she's talking shop with Lyra and you barely understand half of it. Lyra said that Cuicatl isn't good at battle but she sounds good. Even considers a few things that Lyra didn't. Some stuff about ribombee's weight and fur. Cuicatl had considered getting the bug so soaked that his little wings can't keep up. Your team will be better at that then hers. Then Lyra's doing math aloud and talking about insect body shapes and suddenly Lyra wants numbers on everything. How long it takes your pokémon to put others to sleep. How much stronger Bubbles' attacks are after two minutes of rain dance from castform vs. five. And. You just struggle to keep up. Struggle to care. You end up sitting down at the edge of the Pokémon Center's court while Lyra trains your team. Three-fourths of your team. Ferny gets bored when you do and sits down in your lap. Cuicatl had to go back inside to do… something. You aren't sure she actually said. Probably just wants some alone time with her team. You've known people who say their pokémon are their family, you've even said it about your pet ariados, but that girl takes it to a whole other level. You love her for it. She's practically a mother four times over and her children all seem to adore her.
Except maybe Leo. It's hard to tell what the golisopod thinks about anything. His body language is different from an ariados and he's usually hiding under the bed or in the closet or bathtub. Scared the daylights out of you more than once when you tried to take a shower and found him there. Cuicatl had come to see what was wrong and just started laughing when Leo hissed out an explanation. The bug wanted to know if the humans were finally sensible enough to hide somewhere dark and closed-off rather than out in the open. He'd been disappointed when he found out that you still wanted to sleep on top of your very soft, very exposed bed by a window.
You look up to see Lyra staring at you with a strange face. Half of her mouth is stretched unnaturally wide and the eye on that side is half-lidded. Or twitching. Both? "Is something wrong?" you ask.
"No." She looks away and wraps an arm around herself. Then she slowly looks back. "It's just hard."
"What? What's hard?"
Lyra's gaze sinks to the ground. "Knowing you when you don't know me."
Right. That. "I'll get to know you." Unless the staring wasn't about that. "Are you still mad about Cuicatl?"
"Yes? No? I don't think so? I'm not sure anymore." She takes a deep sigh and kicks a pebble by her foot. "I don't know how you can go through that and then decide to hook up with a psychic. If she wanted to do it to you again—"
"—she doesn't—"
"If she did…" Lyra finally looks you in the eyes. "What would stop her?"
"Morals?" Cuicatl isn't anything like them. Cuicatl risked her life to save yours. They share powers. That's about it. "I'm not just going to push people away because of what they might do. It's unfair. Sounds lonely."
In that moment you realize that you actually feel kind of bad for Lyra. It must be lonely being unable to trust people. And then one of the only people she did trust is a stranger and that trust is broken. You almost understand where she's coming from. In your stories her crush would have been rewarded. She would have saved you or you would have saved yourself. Instead, you locked yourself in a tower and refused to leave until the dragon had already started devouring you. She couldn't save her closest friend, her childhood crush. And now you aren't even her friend at all. That's not how it's supposed to go. It's not fair.
You grew up hearing that life wasn't fair. You've only recently come to know how cruel it can be.
That doesn't mean you owe her anything. You're your own person. You can make your own choices, be the hero in your own story. Not just the love interest in someone else's.
And she's being mean to Cuicatl. They traveled together for months. Lyra even know your girlfriend better than you do. She should know by this point that Cuicatl isn't the type of person who would hurt someone like that. It's frustrating that she refuses to see it. Cuicatl also needs people she can trust and Lyra is going out of her way to show that she can't be trusted. After Kekoa left you're pretty sure you're the only person her age she can tell anything to. Only human person her age. You don't actually know how old her pokémon are. She's kind of their mom, though, and it would be weird to talk about her problems with them. Your mother didn't with you.
Then again, she maybe wasn't the best mother.
…
You'll need to think about whether sharing problems with your kids is a good thing or not. Before you have any. By adoption. Years in the future.
Lyra sits down beside you on the bench and shakes you from your thoughts. Oh. She really is pretty. Sometimes you forget that until she's close. Her features are delicate and she carries gracefully, like she's always on stage in a play only she knows about. Her makeup is immaculate. None of the visible jagged lines or asymmetrical mistakes that mark your work. And up close she has a kind of presence that's hard to describe. Almost magnetic. You can understand how you could have fallen for her.
But.
You're taken.
And you really shouldn't be attracted to her.
You won't be.
(That worked out so well for you last time.)
"I do trust her," she says. "It's why I came back. I just don't think I could ever be truly vulnerable around someone like that. And you've had it far worse."
"What do you mean you couldn't be vulnerable?" They're friends, right? Shouldn't they already be vulnerable? Is that not how friendship works? You haven't had many. That you remember, at least.
She sighs and leans back in the bench. "I just can't imagine having my partner know all of my thoughts when I can't read hers. She could be manipulating me for years, telling me what she knows I want to hear, and I would never know."
You think back to this morning's walk. She was in your head a lot because you were touching. You chose to be touching. And you mostly thought it was sweet. Sometimes it feels like there's a gap between your brain and your mouth and you either say too much or too little or the wrong thing entirely. She can see who you actually are, what you actually mean, in a way that no one else can. And she adores you despite that. Or because of that. You should ask her. There isn't even that much you'd want to keep from her either. Maybe your…thoughts… about Lyra's beauty, but that's just because she would be insecure about them. She would know there's no emotional bond there, though, and you can't imagine liking someone for who they are and then cheating with someone just because they're hotter. Which. Lyra isn't. Cuicatl is fierce, adorable, and she cares so much about the people and pokémon close to her. Sometimes it feels like Lyra only cares about you.
And when you try to tell Lyra that you blank on how. Every way you think of she could twist into something sinister. She's good at that. You change approaches. "Can she not date anyone, then?"
Lyra grimaces. "Another psychic. Or anyone who isn't you. I don't give a damn if she isn't exploiting your vulnerability."
Exploit your vulnerability? She's been very clear every step of the way that she doesn't want to. You've had to drag her along, reassuring her that it's fine.
"You know I asked her out first, right? And she refused. Multiple times."
Until she changed her mind the day after… oh.
Maybe you exploited her vulnerability.
Should you apologize? She seems happy now.
Lyra looks away. "I know. She's a better person than I am."
You aren't sure how to answer that. It's true, but it feels mean to say it aloud.
"Is it wrong that I keep wishing she wasn't? Then I could hate her and everything would be simple. Instead, I'm a horrible person for even wanting…"
You wait for her to finish her sentence. She doesn't.
"I think you are being a bad friend."
She looks down at her feet.
"You should do something with her. Alone. Without me involved."
"Yeah," she mumbles. "I should. I liked her. Like her. She's a combination of caring and badass and fragile that I've never seen before. Things just aren't as simple as they used to be."
"I think Cuicatl would let things be simple. Problem's you."
Something shifts on the battlefield. You look up to see Oliver getting into it with Lyra's salandit. The salamander rears up on her hind legs and spits out a puff of smoke. Your golduck just powers through it and knocks his opponent down as hard as he can before spitting a water pulse directly into her face. Then another one. The salandit tries to scurry off only to be pinned down under one of Oliver's claws and bombarded again.
"Oliver!" you reprimand.
He just hisses at you. Lyra withdraws her pokémon a moment later.
"Sorry about that. Don't know what got into him."
Lyra slowly shakes her head. "I have an idea. He didn't start it. Don't punish him."
That answers maybe half your questions and raises a few more. "Want to share?"
She shakes her head. "No. I'm going to go apologize to Cuicatl."
As she walks away you find your gaze drawn to her… hindquarters before you tear it away. There's something about her that keeps drawing you back. Even when you shouldn't. Maybe you'll have to apologize to Cuicatl, too.
You passed a temple on your evening walk. It was a small building, wooden like almost everything else around here, and the lights were off. Nothing like the giant, shining castle in Heahea. You thought about going in, or at least asking Cuicatl to let you sit on the bench for a few minutes. You didn't.
You haven't been to a temple in months. For most of that you were locked in your room. After that… you could have asked Shirona to go. You could have. Even thought about it.
You didn't.
Part of you wants to go in, to smell the incense and feel the presence of something strong and kind. Like a parent should be. To be around others who share your beliefs and have a moment of quiet worship. Or to just sit in the back of a service and be apart of something without speaking up or making yourself known.
And every time you've thought about that you've wandered how many of the people in there are like your parents are. Like you were. How many would only accept you if you were someone else? Would you feel at peace or feel judgmental eyes boring into you?
Xerneas wants you to come to Him as you are and for the first time you've accepted a part of that. Yet you feel more uncertain about your identity than ever. At first it was easy to shove aside. You had to focus on breathing, on recovering your mind and memory, on love. Reminding yourself that you could still be loved even if your parents don't love you.
And you did it all too fast. It was easy to only think of the girl pressed beside you at night, of the girl who saved you and who continued to save you. It was better to think about her than you.
The bunk beds are too small to sleep with her. She's curled up beneath you with Pixie and Coco. One of them is snoring gently. You asked Ferny if he wanted to sleep on your bed and he turned you down. Said that humans turn over too much in their sleep. It's more comfortable in his ball. Oliver's too big to cuddle with in a bed this small, Cloudy doesn't really sleep, and Bubbles doesn't do hugs. You really need to find your own pokémon to snuggle on the trail. Another distraction.
Now there's no one but you and your thoughts.
You were able to break free because you thought Xerneas made you the way you were. But why would Xerneas make you to suffer? Why wouldn't He say something when His church went the wrong way? You don't think your existence is sinful. You just don't understand it. And whenever you think about stepping into a temple or opening the Decalibres part of you is scared of what you'll find. If you were wrong. If you should have been changed, even if every part of your being was screaming against it. So you don't. You've barely even prayed since then.
Barely even thought about who you are now that you aren't a daughter, aren't devout, aren't straight, aren't… you spent so long obeying all of your parents' rules and going to the temples and being a good girl. There were moments on your own. With your pets or your books or… or probably with Lyra. If she was your escape then like Cuicatl is now you can understand how you would have fallen for her. If you fell for her. She's never flat out said that you were dating and you don't have memories of actually dating someone. Maybe those were erased wholesale, but if the rooftop kiss was just transferred then maybe that was beyond him.
Now you can do anything. Be anyone. No one tells you what to do. And you have no idea how to go about it. Going with Cuicatl is easy. She helped you. Saved you. It's hard to even imagine her hurting you. It's safe here. You want to be here. But it was the easy way out.
You really need to find your own therapist. So far your sessions have mostly been about finding memories and helping you cope day to day, hour to hour. You aren't sure how much you can talk about life with Cuicatl's therapist. It's supposed to be confidential but your girlfriend can read minds, even accidentally. But therapists cost money.
Priests don't.
Your stomach drops to your knees whenever you think about talking to one.
Light glints in the corner of your eye. You look over to see Noci silently glide into the room. The door quietly closes and locks behind her. When did she leave? What was she doing? The metang looks up at you but doesn't answer your silent questions. If she could even hear them. You aren't sure how her telepathy really works. Barely understand the basics of your girlfriend's.
Cuicatl says that Noci is warm. Maybe she could help you get to sleep. It's just running off to another warm body who can keep your thoughts at bay. You feel cowardly for wanting it. But you don't like your thoughts tonight.
"Can you come over?" you whisper.
The metang does.
"Cuicatl says that you can cuddle her. Um. Can you do that for me?"
Noci drifts forward and gently pins you down beneath her. Your eyes open wide in panic at the unexpected restraint. She drifts away almost immediately but the damage is done.
{Query: Alarm Trigger}
"W-what?" you whisper.
{Query: Alarm Trigger}
Oh. You think you get the question. Why did you panic. But. You don't really know the answer. Something about being held down, being powerless to resist… you don't want to go there. Don't know how to explain it to such an inhuman pokémon.
"Nothing."
{Error detected;
Debugging session recommended}
And you have no idea what that even means. Something to ask Cuicatl about in the morning.
You think you can still do this. Just need to do it on your terms. You press your back against the wall and hold your arms out towards the metang.
"Can we cuddle like this? You ask. "Just not too hard."
The metang gently approaches and lets you wrap your arms around her.
Huh. She is pretty warm. Just a little too hard to be a good cuddler. No breath, either, which is kind of weird. You still find yourself yawning. Your thoughts slowing. You look into the metang's glowing red eyes and find a weird sense of safety there. She'll look after you. Cuicatl will look after you.
Not all of your issues need to be solved tonight.
For now…
…you can just…
…sleep…
