Next chapter! Does anyone even read it here?
The song to this chapter is 'Feel' by Robbie Williams.
I don't own the characters or places!
The next day, Cordelia went to the Institute together with Alastair. Her brother had considered coming several times, saying that he couldn't just leave their mother alone at Cornwall Gardens. But in the end, Cordelia had been able to convince him to join her and the others. Most probably, the main reason for Alastair accompanying her was that he wanted to have a look on her and Matthew since he didn't trust them when they were under the same roof. Or maybe he wanted to glare at James some more. She wasn't so sure.
On their way in the carriage, however, he revealed that his coming had a completely different reason. "They've made Charles temporary head of the Institute." He said thoughtfully. "I can't leave Thomas alone in close quarters with Charles. There's no telling how unpleasant Charles will decide to be to him, and Thomas is too good-natured to…" Her brother stopped, noticing the way Cordelia looked at him. "Cease looking at me like that."
"You should talk to Thomas, Alastair." She said softly. "It's obvious how you feel about him. And how he feels about you. Running away from your feelings is never the right thing to do."
He raised his eyebrows at that. "Like you did? Running off to Paris with Matthew? For you, it turned out all right in the end, Layla."
"You know that those situations can't be compared." She said, glaring at him.
There was sadness in his eyes when he nodded. "I do. I'm sorry for saying that. With Thomas, it's just…" He shook his head. "I don't want to ruin everything."
Cordelia's expression softened. "How should that happen?"
"By simply being myself." Her brother said with a deep sigh. Cordelia already wanted to reply, saying that he was a wonderful person and should stop seeing himself in such a bad way, but then the carriage stopped and they'd arrived at the Institute. Lucie was already waiting for them at the door, waving with a smile.
"Just tell him how you feel." Cordelia whispered again before she walked towards her best friend, Alastair following her quietly.
Once Tessa and Will had left, Cordelia asked James if they could talk in private for a moment. She'd tried to push away her guilt for confronting him about Grace the previous day, especially once she saw how bad he looked this morning. It seemed like he didn't sleep that night, with dark rings under his red-rimmed eyes. His hair was a complete mess and even his clothes looked wrinkled. It was obvious that Lucie had noticed his state as well, casting worried glances at her brother from time to time. If Tessa and Will also saw how bad their son was looking, they didn't let it show. They were too busy preparing for the meeting in Idris.
Cordelia knew that sparing James wouldn't be the solution to the situation. In fact, she'd kept thinking about it all for a long time the previous night. She didn't know a way to fix everything, but maybe there was a way to make him feel better somehow. To give him the support he needed.
"You need to tell the others about Grace and the bracelet." She said once they were alone. "They deserve to know."
James looked at her wearily. "Cordelia, I don't think that this is the right moment to -"
"You can't keep it from them forever." She interrupted him firmly. "They're your friends, James. I'm sure they want to know. And Lucie. I assume you also didn't tell her yet?"
He sighed deeply. "No one knows, except for Jesse and Christopher."
"Because Grace told them." She nodded. For a brief moment, she considered telling James that Matthew also knew about it, but then she decided to remain quiet. It wouldn't help fixing their relationship in any way. Most probably, it would only make things worse.
"I can't just tell them that my mind has been controlled for years." James muttered. "It will make me look weak."
Cordelia shook her head. "It will finally let them understand everything you went through for all those years. It will let them understand your relationship with Grace, because that never made sense to anyone." This time, she didn't hesitate. "It will enable them to finally support you in the way they should. In the way they want. You can't keep pushing people away, James."
"If this is about you and Matthew -" He started, but once more, she interrupted him.
"If you think that I'm doing this out of some kind of guilt I might be feeling, you're wrong. You're one of my friends, James, and I care about you. I want you to get better. And I think that this might help with that." She paused for a brief moment. "I also want you and Matthew to get along better."
"You're asking a lot." He said in the end.
"I know that. But just consider it." She turned to leave the room they'd entered to get some privacy.
"Fine." He said when she reached for the door. "I'll tell them. But I can make no promises about Matthew and me."
Cordelia looked over her shoulder and smiled. "Thank you, James." He didn't smile back at her.
She met Matthew shortly before he entered the library, the place where James had called the others for a meeting. Well, everyone but Charles, of course. "Daisy." Matthew's face lit up when he saw her. It looked like he wanted to go to her, maybe take her hand, but he held himself back. In the end, he settled for a kiss on the cheek. Something harmless, which could be expected from her husband's parabatai.
"Matthew." She smiled back at him, immediately feeling more at ease. "How are you?"
"Better than expected." He replied. "Still angry at Charles, though." Then he looked around, noticing that they were alone in the corridor. "What's all this about?"
"James wants to tell everyone about Grace and the bracelet." She replied quietly. "He wasn't happy when I suggested it, but I think it might make things easier for him."
Matthew's expression was serious when he nodded. "He's always kept far too many secrets. Do you think it will help him?" There was doubt on his face.
"I don't know." She answered honestly. "I hope so, though."
"Then let's see what this conversation will bring." Together, they entered the room where James, Lucie, Jesse, Christopher, Anna and Ari were already waiting. Cordelia and Matthew took seats next to each other. On Cordelia's left, right between her and Christopher, were two empty chairs for Alastair and Thomas. They arrived a few minutes after them. She pretended not to notice the way James had looked away when she'd arrived with Matthew. From the way Matthew looked at his hands on the table next to her, she knew that he tried to do the same.
"Well, do tell us what this is about, James." Matthew said once everyone was seated. The look on his face was curious, mixed with a little impatience. She'd always known that Matthew was a good actor and this proved it again. "This feels like one of those scenes in a Wilkie Collins novel where the will gets read out, and then the lights go out and someone turns up dead."
"Oh, I love those!" Lucie exclaimed, just to blush furiously once the words had left her mouth. "Not that I want anyone to turn up dead. James, what's going on? Has something happened?" She added hastily.
James was looking very pale and folded his hands on the table, probably to avoid moving them nervously. "Something did happen." He said. "Though not today. This is something that happened a long time ago. Something I only became aware of recently myself."
So he told them. With a monotone voice, he explained it all. From his first meeting with Grace at Blackthorn Manor in Idris, to her arrival in London, to the shattering of the bracelet, to the realization that his mind was being altered against his will. His voice was calm and steady, but Cordelia could hear his anger beneath it. And his pain. Pain she was responsible for. As if he could read her thoughts, Matthew reached for her hand underneath the table where no one could see.
Cordelia, just like everyone else who already knew the story - Jesse, Christopher and Matthew - watched the expressions of the others closely, which mostly showed shock and disbelief. Matthew also turned his face into an angry mask and she knew that it wasn't an act. Despite everything that happened, James was still his parabatai and Grace had violated him in the most terrible way.
Once James had finished with his tale, silence filled the room. Silence in which Cordelia hoped that one of the others would break it. After all, James was afraid of the reaction of their friends - not hers. He'd already seen her anger because of Grace's actions.
In the end, it was Lucie who spoke first. "Oh Jamie! I am so sorry I ever worked with her, was kind to her -"
"It's all right, Luce." James threw in gently. "You didn't know. Nobody knew, not even Jesse."
Lucie looked shocked, as if the idea of Jesse having known had never occurred to her. She turned to him. "The last time you went to the Silent City, you came back upset. Had she told you then?" She asked slowly, as if she already knew the answer.
Jesse nodded. "It was the first time I ever got to know any of it." His face was pale, as if the thought of his sister's doings made him feel sick. It probably did. "I have always loved Grace. Always taken care of her. She is my little sister. But when she told me, I walked out of the cell. I have not spoken to her since."
A thought occurred to Cordelia in this moment. She turned to Christopher. "How did you know about it? You told me to meet with Grace yesterday. So you knew. Did you visit her in the Silent City more than once?"
Christopher looked embarrassed when everyone in the room turned to look at him. "I… She was so lonely. She needed someone to talk to. Actually, I only visited her to discuss a scientific question which troubled me, but then…"
"You went to see her again." It was James who finished his sentence, an unreadable expression on his face. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"I knew how you all felt about Grace." Christopher said simply. "And it wasn't important."
"It wasn't…" Thomas began. "Kit, you visited the girl who ruined James' life!"
"What Grace did was unforgivable." Christopher agreed hastily. "But we must remember she was a child when she was given this task. And she was terrified of what her mother would do if she refused."
"That doesn't matter." Thomas argued, his brown eyes blazing with fury. "If I murdered someone else, and then said it was because I was afraid, would that make me not a murderer?"
"It isn't murder, Thomas -"
"But it's just as bad." Matthew threw in, his calm voice a sharp contrasts to Thomas' agitated words. Underneath the table, his thumb was drawing random patterns on the back of Cordelia's hand. "She took the things about James that we know so well, his loving kindness, and his trust, and his idealism, and she turned them against him like knives. Like a faerie curse."
Across the table, James was looking at Matthew intently, like he was trying to meet his eyes. However, Matthew refused to meet his parabatai's gaze.
"She stole his choices." Ari said, looking as if she was going to throw up. "I lived with her in my house and I never guessed that she had something like that on her conscience."
"But James is all right." Christopher threw in gently. "It's come out all right in the end. Things usually do."
"Because he fought back." Matthew snapped. "Because he loved Cordelia enough to crack that foul bracelet in half." His eyes wandered to Cordelia at his own words, as if he was surprised to have said them out loud. She only smiled gently, squeezing his hand under the table. For a brief moment, Matthew's gaze flickered to James, but then his eyes focused back on her. She could see the guilt in them and knew they would have to talk about this later. For now, she only held his hand a little tighter. It was the only way she could show her feelings for him. When Matthew's lips twitched, she knew that he understood the message.
"So what about Grace?" Thomas asked quietly, trying to break the awkward silence that followed Matthew's outburst. "You never loved her?"
"I hate her." James' words were cold and spoken without hesitation. Christopher flinched at his harsh tone and Jesse looked away. "At least she came to me in the end, when she was fleeing her mother. She tried to seduce me one last time. She didn't realize the bracelet was broken. It was strange to see her try this game that must have worked every time she'd attempted it in the past. It was as if I was standing outside myself, realising that every time I'd encountered her before, I had lost myself. That my whole life had been a lie, and she had made it so. I told her I despised her, that I would never forgive her, that there was nothing she could do to make up for her crimes. She is in the Silent City now because I demanded she turned herself in." James sounded surprised by his own actions. "I put here there." He looked at Jesse. "You knew that."
Jesse looked tired. "Yes. She told me. I do not blame you at all."
"She did plenty of harm, and she knew the harm she was doing. She hates herself for it. I think all she wants is to live somewhere far away and never bother anyone again." Christopher said.
"That power of hers is too dangerous for that." Alastair threw in. "It is as if she owned a feral, poisonous snake, or an untamed tiger."
"What if the Silent Brothers take that power from her?" Christopher wanted to know. "She will be defanged then."
"Why are you defending her, Kit?" Anna asked curiously. "Simply because you visited her for advice and you talked a few times?" She didn't sound angry at all, rather as if she wanted to understand his motifs.
"I suppose I have always thought everyone deserves a second chance." Christopher sounded thoughtful. "We are each given only one life. We can't get another one. We must live with the mistakes we have made."
"True enough." Alastair whispered on Cordelia's other side.
"Nevertheless, we can't forgive her." Thomas said and next to him, Alastair flinched. "What I mean is that we can't forgive her on James' behalf. Only James can do that." He added hastily, having felt Alastair's uneasiness.
"I'm still angry." James said. "Very angry. But I find that I don't want to be. I want to look forward, but my anger draws me backward. And I know she will return to the Enclave at some point. I don't know how I'm meant to treat her then. How I will stand seeing her."
"You won't have to." Jesse threw in. "There is Blackthorn money. It will come to her, now that my mother is imprisoned. I will only ask that she never goes near you or anyone close to you again."
"Just don't abandon her entirely." Christopher said. "Jesse, you are the only thing she lives for. The only one who was kind to her. Do not leave her alone in the dark."
"Kit, your heart is too soft." Anna sighed.
"I'm not saying these things because I am naive or foolish." Christopher explained. "Only because I do see things that are not in beakers and test tubes, you know. I see how hatred poisons the person who hates, not the person who is hated. If we treat Grace with the mercy she did not show James, and that was never shown to her, then what she did will have no power over us." He looked at James. "You have been terribly strong, enduring this, all alone, for so long. Let us help you leave anger and bitterness in the past. For if we don't do that, if we are consumed by the need to pay Grace back for what she has done, then how are we any different from Tatiana?"
No one really knew what to say to that anymore.
The conversation didn't continue much longer then. They turned to other subjects, like what could be done to clear the Herondales' names and how Cordelia's paladin connection could be severed. After some time, Alastair touched Cordelia's arm lightly, signalling for her to leave the room with him. She nodded and went with him, smiling at Matthew when he looked at her in concern.
"Is that why you were late yesterday, Layla?" Alastair wanted to know as soon as they were alone. "Because Christopher took you to see Grace?"
"I had to confront James with it." She sighed. "I needed to understand why he didn't tell me himself. After all, he knew about it since we left for Paris."
"I assume he was too proud to admit all of it?" Her brother wanted to know. "It must have been difficult for him to speak of all this with us."
"He didn't want to do it at first." She explained. "He only did it because I asked him to after we arrived here."
"How do you feel about all of it?" Alastair frowned in concern.
Cordelia crossed her arms. "If you want to know if this changes anything for me, then no, Alastair, it doesn't. I know how I feel."
He held up his hands in a defensive gesture. "I had to ask. After all, it's a lot."
"That it is." She agreed quietly. "I don't know if it would have changed something if he'd told me all this before we went to Paris. But most probably, I would have fallen for Matthew anyway. I told James just that."
"So you won't change your mind." It was a simple statement and there was no judgement in Alastair's voice.
"I love Matthew." Cordelia said simply and smiled. "He makes me happy, Alastair."
"Then all I can do is support you with your choice." He smiled slightly. Just in that moment, the door to the library opened and Matthew left the room, followed by Thomas and Christopher. They all didn't look surprised to see them standing there.
"We're going to the games room." Matthew announced once his eyes fell on them. "Play some cards. Do you want to join us?"
Alastair looked taken aback by that question, but after a short moment of hesitation, he nodded. "Let me just get a book to read. I'm not into cards." With a smile at Cordelia, he vanished in the library again, only to return moments later with a thick volume in hand.
They all made themselves comfortable in the games room. Alastair with his book and Matthew, Thomas and Christopher around a table with their cards. Cordelia was sitting next to Matthew and listened while he explained the rules of the game to her.
After a while, there was a knock on the door and James entered the room quietly. "Matthew, could I speak to you for a moment?" He asked.
Cordelia could feel Matthew stiffen next to her.
"Bad idea." Alastair muttered under his breath, eyes still on the book he was reading.
Matthew looked at Alastair and threw his cards on the table. "I think you should know enough about this game by now." He said with a smile to Cordelia. She could feel James' eyes on her. "Just make sure you win for us. I'll be right back."
With that, he followed James out into the hallway.
