This is awkward for them.

Anatheme

six.

| help me, understand, how you speak, your love language |

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She dislikes hospitals, she always has.

Maybe it's the noises of the machines, the continuous beeping, the constant noise, the foul scent that lingers in the air, something putrid and decaying, only made worse by the chemical stench of powerful cleaning agents.

Or, maybe, it's what they represent – the mortality of it all, trapped in-between beige walls and luminescent lights that only make you appear weaker, your existence bleak.

Nao has always disliked hospitals, she always has and she still dislikes them, even now, maybe especially now, when she's the one hooked on those beeping machines, hears the constant noises from the corridors, the foul scent in her nose and mouth and her ears, putrid and decay, trapped between beige walls and blinded by fluorescent lights.

But she supposes it's no real surprise that she ends up here – no, she's been pushing herself, was pushing herself even before the pregnancy – what surprises her is the one at her bedside.

She expects Light, her parents, even Mello would make more sense to her.

Instead, there he is, in what looks to be an uncomfortable metal chair, in an even more uncomfortable position. His knees are propped up, laptop balanced on them. His shoes don't fit and she knows it's because those are Light's and the thought of her childhood friend forcing him to wear shoes would be hilarious in any other circumstance.

But Nao, for once, doesn't find her humor bone.

He seems concentrated, although Nao has the sneaking suspicion that he knows she's just woken up. He doesn't say anything, however, keeps his eyes planted on the laptop screen, uses a thumb to scroll down, even if she can't see the keyboard, she knows him well, too well, at least when it comes to things like these, things that don't matter.

Like this, she observe him, takes in his face and his movements and his awkward demeanor. He bites his lips, sometimes, but otherwise remains perfectly still. Like a cat, she thinks. He's not the most handsome, his hair is unkempt, the dark circles under his eyes are as black as his hair. He's very pale, he always has been, like he has an aversion to the sun or severely lacks vitamin D. His nails are too short, because he bites them, not that anyone but her knows that little fact, even Wammy isn't privy to this information.

Nao has had plenty of times to study him over the years, especially during her time in England. She'd memorized all the little details she could about him, the way he stacks his sugar cubes and how many, the way he looks with bed hair, the fact that he isn't totally opposed to her choice in music or that he talks in his sleep when she does manage to drag him to bed.

(and then there are the things that only she knows, the particular way his breath hitches when she digs her fingers in his back, the way her name sounds on his lips, moaned out in a sort of reverence that she didn't think possible and the passion that burns in his eyes, quite different from when he's chasing criminals and she –)

She loves him, is in love with him, so much so that it hurts at times and Nao, Nao hates it, wishes she could scrub it off of her, rip it out of her skin. It unsettles her at times, drives her mad, makes her lose herself and pretend to be something she is not.

No one had prepared her for this or explained it to her. There were times when she herself didn't know if she could feel and here she was, feeling way too much, feeling something, towards another human being and it is maddening, intoxicating and self-destructive.

"Nao." And from the sound of it, it's not the first time he's called to her. She looks at him, but her vision is blurry. "You're crying."

She snorts at that, mostly because her nose is fully stuffed. It's a good thing there's a tissue box right next to her bed, it takes her at least four to be able to breath properly again. When she can focus again on him, he stares at her. He looks awkwardly concerned, the Great Detective L, at a loss when it comes to his pregnant girlfriend crying in a hospitable bed.

She manages to stop herself from crying again, takes a few, deep breaths that do not help at all.

"I'm pregnant." Her voice is a tad shaky, but she supposes that's to be expected. And just like she suspected, he looks totally unsurprised by the news.

"Yes." He nods his head, the motion a bit robotic. "The doctor said that Nao and the baby were fine, but that she'd be under observation for the next few days, just in case."

It's awkward, they both are being awkward. More than five years since they've known each other, three years of being in what most people would call a relationship and yet, this, this is awkward for them.

And Nao knows that she has to be the one to say it this time. While he has in his short-comings, his interest in her has been obvious since the Kira case. But her, well, she's never said it out loud, perfectly content with going through the motion – but this, this can't continue on like this, her passiveness won't do her any good here.

"I love you." She doesn't ask if he knows, because it's unfair. He must know, but she's never said it to him. She's also not particularly affectionate or possessive and her feelings are not something she talks about with him, at least not this, not love.

He doesn't react or maybe his lack of reaction is a reaction in itself, she isn't sure. He's petrified, the laptop not quite balanced on his knees anymore, tipping to the left and he just look at her, no, not quite at her, but through her.

Nao hadn't expected grand declarations of love, so instead she braces herself and continues on.

"I never wanted to be Watari." She sniffles a bit, thinks it's a bit pathetic, but maybe she's allowed to be pathetic in this situation. "Come to think of it, I never wanted to stay in England, but I – I knew you wouldn't, wouldn't leave your work or your cases and I –"

She's been losing herself, bit by bit, for years now. Probably the day he revealed he was L and she understood, understood that she was trapped in a cage of her own making. And then she fell in love, somewhere between the end of the Kira case and becoming the new Watari and everything she'd ever known was now foreign to her, even herself.

"I should have told you, about the baby. It was your right to know, I'm sorry." At some point, she's stopped looking at him, her eyes lowering slightly so she can stare at his shirt, the wall, anything and everything besides him.

She hopes he at least realizes that she's sincere, as sincere as she could be, given the fact that this may be the first time she apologizes in her life. And while it does feel like a weight has been lifted off her shoulder, she knows perfectly well that she just made a choice for herself.

"When I came to Japan years ago, I expected to find a killer." She slowly raises her head and, even given the seriousness of the situation, manages to roll her eyes – Kira means killer after all. "Instead, I found a genius boy who was my prime suspect, a model with a penchant for black and a chemistry student whose only purpose seemed to be getting under my skin."

She meets his gaze then and his eyes, they shine, but not with tears, no, but with something she can't quite place.

"I was supposed to catch a killer, but I ended up with an unsolved case and friends." He says it like it's laughable, but she supposes it's the truth. L and Light are friends, in a way that only they could be, and Misa has turned out to be kind and trustworthy, with just the proper amount of cunning and slyness to belong with them. "When the case ended and I returned to England, I honestly believed this would be the end of it and then, I realized that I missed it."

She blinks at him, surprised, a rare moment, him admitting that he missed someone, no, more than one.

"I missed Amane-san's weird fashion choices and her penchant for anything girly and those sly comments of hers disguised with just the proper amount of innocence to make her inconspicuous. I missed Raito-kun's ability to understand everything I was throwing at him and always be one step ahead." She supposes he'll never admit that to Light. "And I missed Nao the most, probably because somewhere between you proving yourself to be one of the most insightful person I'd come across and you blinding someone simply to save me, I'd started to fall in love with you."

There's this odd warmth that spreads to her cheeks, makes it hard to keep her eyes on his. There's a moment of silence between them, but it is not as heavy, maybe more awkward than anything. It's to be expected, she supposes, especially since neither of them are particularly talkative people and especially not when it comes to their feelings. Nao barely understands hers, she certainly has to take her time to understand his.

She circles her arms over her stomach and manages a look towards him, even if she still feels warm.

"I'm pregnant." Nao repeats, because it feels like the right thing to say, especially after all of this.

"I know." He tells her. "After you went to the doctor, Mello forced Matt to hack into the hospital's system and find your medical record." Ah, well, Mello's odd way of showing he cares. It does make sense, he probably wanted to make sure she wasn't dying.

"We'd be terrible parents." She thinks about commenting on Mello's weird obsession for her, but settles on that instead. "And Light and Misa as uncle and aunt, well…"

"What do you want, Nao?" She blinks, this day is full of surprises it seems. She can't remember the last time someone asked her that, mostly because she can't remember a moment in her life when there was a choice to be made about what she wanted.

"I want to come back to Japan, work or go back school, maybe." But that's not what he's asking, not truly anyways. It's a start, however. "And I'd like to have this baby, our baby."

Nao has never wanted children before this, had never been particularly fond of them, but then he'd dragged her to an orphanage hidden in the English countryside and she'd understood that perhaps, it wouldn't be so bad, especially now that she was so used to handling them.

L nods and then pushes his laptop towards her. It's hardly the first time he's handed his computer to her, but it seems like an odd choice given the situation. Maybe he has a case that he wants her to look over –

But no, his computer has ideas on it, plans, for the future, their future. House plans that oddly resemble something her father would draw and properties for sale not too far from her parents and from Misa's and Light's apartment and caseloads and splitting it between Mello and Near, and even Light, who is the obvious choice to replace Watari besides her and Nao –

Nao manages to grab one of the empty Styrofoam cups on the tray next to her bed before promptly throwing up in it.


a/n : honestly, I don't know how I feel about this chapter. I wanted to keep Nao and L as much in character as possible, but they obviously needed to have this conversation at some freaking point. I went back and forth on what both of their reactions would be and I hope you enjoyed them and feel like I did them justice. Thanks for waiting and yes, I am going to finish this story, just bear with me. As always, thank you for reading, take care of yourselves, you wonderful human beings ~