Chapter Six

An uncomfortable aura flowed through the room. Nicky felt the curvature of her lips into a frown within seconds of hearing the comment Lorna had made. It left a queasy sensation in her abdomen to know Lorna was still not fully accepting the truth of what was going on between she and Vinny and the baby. She thought things had taken a turn in the right direction after the bag of flour incident but clearly that wasn't entirely the case. Clearly, Lorna was still holding on to a part of the hope that the truth hadn't been what it was.

Her chest ached for the petite brunette. The same petite brunette who Nicky knew didn't take rejection very well. Or, rather, didn't take rejection at all. That was the whole reason Lorna had gone to prison in the first place. She couldn't accept the rejection of other people. On some level it made sense to Nicky why the girl did the things she did. But that didn't negate the fact that it hurt terribly to see her falling back into said mindset. She drew in a breath and did the only thing she could in that moment, reached for one of Lorna's hands and cradled it warmly in her own.

"You've been through a lot, kid," her voice huskily started off, eyes peering at the other with the utmost compassion. Air escaped solemnly through her agape mouth. Beneath the forced smile Nicky could easily see through to the grief seeping out of Lorna's eyes. Grief she knew the girl was trying so hard to keep hidden from the surface. Another sigh came out—Lorna never allowed herself to feel any negative emotions, at least not in front of other people. That was a fact Nicky came to realize early on in their friendship.

A gentle thumb planted itself on Lorna's forehead and caressed from one side of it to the other. "Of course it's hard to keep everything that happened straight in your head. I get it, babe. But Vinny and you are divorced now, so, you don't have to worry about meeting with him to break things off. Okay?" Relief settled over as she informed the brunette of that—she couldn't stand the thought of Lorna having to see that man ever again after having met the man, herself, and hearing the way he berated Lorna.

Slowly nodding her head, Lorna pursed a small smile before quickly allowing her lips to fall back into their normal position. "Oh, uh, yeah—sorry, I guess I just got my thoughts all mixed up."

"Don't worry about it, kid. I understand it's hard for you," Nicky warmly assured her, caressing a loose piece of her brown hair off of her eye.

However, before either one of them could say another word on the matter, Officer Copeland came walking towards their table with an urgency glazing out from her eyes. She gave the pair of them a hard glance over and clasped her hands together once she was standing right in front of the table. "Let's go, ladies, it's time for kitchen duty. Every second you're sittin' here blabbing is another second the immigrants are starving," she spoke in a menacing tone which had been accompanied by a matching menacing snicker.


This time being in the kitchen at the ICE detention center didn't feel as depressing as it usually had for Lorna. Maybe it was because she knew Nicky hadn't had feelings for Shani or maybe it was just because she felt a small amount of inner peace. Either way there was a sense of calm that had come over her while she settled into her apron and got to work at doing whatever Gloria assigned her to do. Everything appeared to be going fine until Gloria began shuffling around the kitchen in a bit of a panic.

Officer Bell was standing between the doorway that separated the kitchen from where the inmates were held, busy looking at her phone and oblivious to what was happening behind her.

"Where the hell is the chopping knife?" Gloria whisper-yelled as to not gain the COs attention. Her eyes were frantically gazing around the room hoping to find it lying in a spot it wasn't supposed to be in but came up empty instead.

A strong bout of nausea took over Lorna immediately after hearing the older woman's query. The color of her cheeks faded to a very pale white, almost a ghostly shade of it. She hadn't calculated in that any of the other woman would notice the knife was missing. Hadn't thought it through that one of the guards could have noticed too. All that mattered to her when she stuck the knife in her shirt that day was getting back to the prison so she could use it relieve herself of the inner turmoil she had been experiencing.

She peered apprehensively over at Mendoza, the nausea instantly intensifying. Keeping quiet was likely the wisest decision she could make but if she did that she could risk Gloria's getting in trouble for something she had carelessly chosen to do. Stealing that knife wasn't a choice she made out of spite for anyone other than her own self. And she wasn't about to allow anyone else to get in trouble for her own stupidity. Especially not Gloria, who had been so kind to her recently.

With slightly shaky legs Lorna made her way over to the Hispanic cook and tapped her cautiously on the shoulder. Nerves were at an all time high as she waited for the other to turn around and acknowledge her. When she finally did gain Gloria's attention, her tongue felt tied up inside her mouth and she couldn't remember how to speak for a few unnerving moments.

"What's the problem, Morello?" Gloria asked, hands folding in over her hips. Restlessness displayed itself in the way her fingers tapped swiftly against the cotton covering each hip she had her hands resting on.

Lorna swallowed thickly, eyes deterring onto the floor. "Er, um, I, uh, I may have been the one to misplace that knife," her words stammered shakily from her voice in a whisper that was merely inaudible.

Eyebrows arched concerningly above Gloria's brown eyes which peered ponderously ahead into those of Lorna's. Hands had been released from her hips and instead she lifted them up so she could fold her arms over her chest. Lorna had been the last person she expected to take that knife. To say she was shocked at the revelation would be a bit of an understatement. The franticness morphed into a bout of worry. What could Lorna possibly need with a damn chopping knife? Her mind ran wild with questionable thoughts.

The silence cut like that very knife she took. Lorna only bowed her head in shame of her actions. The beginning of a knot could be felt forming at the bottom of her stomach. She shifted her feet uncomfortably as she stood there not sure if she was supposed to say anything else or wait for Mendoza to speak.

"You misplaced it?" Gloria finally asked and watched how Lorna meekly nodded her head. She sighed unfolding her arms from her chest. "Where exactly is the knife now? Do ya know where it is?"

The interrogation sharpened the knot already melded in her stomach. Lorna clasped her hands together, rubbing the palms of them to somehow ease her buzzing nerves. An answer was something she couldn't figure out for Gloria's questions. She didn't know exactly what answer to give her—the truth or a fabricated story. At this point she already had herself dug into a hole, so, what was a little more dirt to it?

Sucking down on her lower lip, Lorna shuffled the soles of her feet against the cushion of the shoes they were entrapped in and gradually fixed her eyes back up onto the Hispanic woman. "Uh, it's in a jacket in one of the closets back at the prison," she muttered, guilt quickly creeping up on her face and inflecting through her voice. The knot kept intensifying inside of her stomach.

Their conversation was soon interrupted by the sound of footsteps approaching them. Both swiftly turned towards the culprit and were met with the tall silhouette of Shani's body facing their way. The very knife Gloria had been searching for was now in the hands of Shani, who was currently setting it down on the counter she was leaning against. "Here, I found it over by the potatoes," she said before fully releasing her grasp from it.

"Thanks," Gloria responded, waving her off.

Once Shani left the area Gloria's focus was rapidly returned to Lorna. Her concern for the young girl intensified greatly. If the chopping knife was indeed in the kitchen, what the hell knife did Lorna have in the closet back at the prison? And what the hell reason did she have the mysterious knife for in the first place? Her mind pondered ruthlessly over the debacle she had now been a part of. She rested the elbow of one arm onto the counter behind her while placing the hand of her other arm on her hip. "I thought you said ya got the knife back at max? But apparently it was just sittin' there with the potatoes the entire time. What knife is it ya got back there, huh?"

Lorna sucked down on her bottom lip and averted her eyes away for a moment. Shoulders raised up to the sides of her face as she thought of what to respond with. Should she go with the amnesia idea she had running through her mind or explain the true situation? She couldn't choose which route to go. "Oh, uh, I guess maybe I just left it over there the other day. I'm sorry my mind is real screwy lately," was the statement Lorna finally settled on answering with. It naturally came out after she pondered for a few minutes.

Suspicion eased its way up upon hearing the comment. A slight shake of the head was given, wordlessly informing the other that she hadn't exactly believed her explanation. "Hmm, ya sure about that? I'm not buyin' it, Morello. You got some kinda knife in the prison, what is it and why the hell did ya take it?"

"Um, erm," Lorna stammered, nervously fixing her eyes down on the ground beneath her feet. The same spot she stared at was where she also chose to kick one of her feet at. "It's just a butta knife and it don't matter why I got it. It wasn't to hurt anyone with, I swear. I'm sorry I'll bring it back tomorrow, okay?"

Shaking her head, Gloria placed a firm hand on Lorna's shoulder and peered into her eyes with just as much firmness seeping out. "It matters to me why the hell ya have it. What are you doing with it? Ya usin' it to cut yourself with or some shit?"

How did she know? Lorna fidgeted uncomfortably in her spot while fiercely shaking her head in acknowledgement. If she let Mendoza know that was exactly the reason she had taken that knife Mendoza'd likely tell one of the COs and that would certainly land her in Florida—something she sure as fuck did not want to occur. "Course' not. Why, why would I do some shit like cut myself? I—I ain't emo or nothin', Gloria," she shrugged it off and hoped to God the older woman did the same.

A bunch of horse shit was what Gloria thought of that bullshit response. She instinctively grabbed one of Lorna's arms to examine and when she came up emptyhanded, she moved onto the next arm. The next arm wasn't so lucky. It didn't take long for her brown eyes to observe the lengthy cut that ran all the away along the back of her bicep. Sternness swiftly morphed into compassion. Her eyes softened as they looked across into Lorna's, her hand still grasping cautiously onto the arm. "How'd this cut get on your arm then, huh?"

Lorna instinctively shuddered at Gloria's touch against her arm. Quickly, she removed herself from the older woman's grasp albeit it being a gentle and cautious touch. Now certainly wasn't the time to be having a heart-to-heart with anyone about what she may or may not have done with the knife she had wrongfully taken from this kitchen. "I musta just scraped it on somethin', ya know? I can be real klutzy," she tried her hardest to shake off Mendoza's suspicion. It was a rather plausible explanation, she thought to herself, she was definitely not the most coordinated person out there. It shouldn't have been hard for her to convince the other to believe such a reasoning.

Despite what thought she had on that, though, Gloria's stance hadn't faltered in the slightest. And, as Lorna nervously peered into her eyes, she could effortlessly observe Gloria was not very persuaded by her words. The sternness had quickly returned and oozed fiercely from her brown irises.

"How stupid do ya think I am?" The question curtly escaped from the Hispanic inmate's mouth. She did her best to keep her voice down so that only Lorna could hear her but the frustration she felt was making that hard to do.

It was difficult to not speak with irritation making itself known when, to Gloria, it was so fucking obvious Lorna's excuse was a complete and utter lie. A complete and utter lie that only a dumbass would accept as the truth. And, she, Gloria Mendoza, was certainly not a fucking dumbass. She knew a cutter when she saw one. That bruise on Lorna's arm was definitely a self-inflicted one. She wasn't going to stand there and allow Lorna to sit on a lie over it. Nope, she was going to get her to admit the truth whether Lorna wanted to or not.

"The shape of the scrape completely obliterates your story on how it occurred on your arm, Lorna. So either ya tell me how it really got there or I'll tell Bell you're not fit to work in the kitchen anymore," she firmly told her, giving her a clear ultimatum.

That definitely didn't make Lorna trust that she could discuss any personal matters with Gloria. In fact it only caused her defenses to kick in. She folded her arms protectively over her chest and peered unyieldingly up at the other. "Why is it any a your business how I got this cut on my arm anyway? It ain't nothin' for ya to worry about. Just tell me what I gotta do for my job and leave me alone…please. I don't know want no trouble, Gloria," she started off rather boldly but by the end her voice fell back into its trembling nature.

"I told ya what ya gotta do and it ain't up for negotiation. Ya need to tell me what really happened with your arm. Now. I can't trust ya to be using knives in here when you're hiding them in a closet, do ya understand?"

"I won't take any more, I swear. Okay? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't meana take it, really. I just—I saw it and, and I slid it into my bra. It wasn't to get no one in trouble. Or to hurt no one. I just, I did it without thinkin'. I don't know what else to say. I'm not emo, I don't cut myself."

Gloria huffed out a sharp breath. "Then why the hell did ya need a butter knife for? Of course ya didn't take it to hurt anyone else, Morello, if ya wanted to do that you'da taken one a the steak knives or somethin'. What, you take it so you could use it to spread butter on your toast? Ya think I'll believe that bullshit?"

Shrugging her shoulders, Lorna pursed her lips into a sheepish smile but it faded within seconds of its appearance. The look on Gloria's face told her that she was being serious. A defeated sigh whistled from her throat. She turned her head away for a moment to see what was going on elsewhere in the room, catching a glimpse of Nicky seemingly having a heated conversation with Shani just across the kitchen. Watching them temporarily caused her to lose focus of her own conversation she was having with Mendoza.

As she continued to let her eyes linger on the pair of them, it brought back memories of when she slid that butter knife into her bra those couple of days prior. Because the vision of Shani's being with Nicky made the thought of living a waste to Lorna. There wasn't a point in living life if she couldn't live it with the one woman she loved more than anything. Of course she knew now the only reason Nicky and Shani were talking was due to Nicky having mentioned she was going to end things between them, but, still, a part of Lorna didn't entirely think that that was true. A part of her remained holding onto the fact that Nicky deserved better than her and Nicky had finally realized that, too. Maybe Nicky had changed her mind since last night. Maybe the conversation between her and Shani was about them being girlfriends.

The long stretch of silence along with the glazed look in Lorna's eyes had Gloria stepping in front of whatever she was staring at and snapping her fingers in her eyes. "Hey, look over here at me and focus on what I'm askin' ya, yeah? You're not gonna worm your way out of this conversation. This is serious, Morello," she assured her, making certain Lorna knew this discussion was going to be had until she admitted to what really happened with that damned fucking knife.

When the petite Italian refused to shift her eyes away from what it was she was watching, Gloria decided to see with her own what she was so damn enthralled in. Seeing Nicky and that Egyptian inmate standing together near one of the shelving units talking, she nodded her head knowing then, without Lorna's even needing to say anything, why she snatched that knife. It was obvious to all of them how much it hurt Lorna to witness Nicky with another girl despite her not verbally declaring so.

Also without Lorna's admittance, it wasn't hard to pick up on the blatant fact that she secretly was very head-over-heels in love with Nicky. Gloria sighed and placed a comforting hand on Lorna's shoulder. Now the puzzle pieces were starting to fit together much clearer for her. Lorna must have taken the knife back with her so she could use it to numb out the mental turmoil.

"You love Nichols, don't ya?"

The question shocked Lorna to her core. Was it that fucking obvious to everyone else? How could people around her know but it took her until she fucking broke Nicky's heart to realize the feelings she had for her? She swallowed down the self-directed anger and moved her head back so that her stare was directly onto Gloria once more. Shoulders recoiled up against the sides of her face. "I don't think it matters now whether I love her or not," she muttered, a defeated tone seeping through her voice.

Gloria's demeanor continued to soften upon the younger woman's heartrending revelation. She brushed her fingers soothingly along the shoulder her hand remained resting on. "Course it matters, Lorna. When ya keep your feelings to yourself this is the kinda shit that is bound to happen. The woman you love moves on because she's unaware of your love and you end up alone in a fuckin' closest with a butter knife you took to hurt yourself with. You think that butter knife is gonna care the next time you go back to it? One wrong cut and you could end up bleeding to death, Lorna. Is that fucking worth being afraid to tell Nicky you love her?"

She knew exactly what to say to make reality hit her like a ton of fucking bricks. Lorna felt it in her stomach; it was as if someone had just tossed a watermelon right at her abdomen. But it wasn't the entire truth. Nicky was now aware of her feelings and that conversation she had been moments ago observing was likely one ending the romance between she and Shani.

Bleeding to death didn't scare Lorna from wanting to go back to the closet she hid the knife in and doing it all over again. Death was the least scariest thing to her at the moment. What scared her most was the thought of losing Nicky. Even though Nicky had reassured her that no matter what they would be in each other's lives—regardless of if it was a romantic relationship or a close friendship relationship. The fear didn't just vanish. She knew she had really hurt Nicky deep the past few months and she wouldn't be surprised if that led Nicky away from her.

"I'd rather bleed to death than to lose Nicky altogether," Lorna blurted out before she had the chance to process it. As soon as she realized she had voiced her thought aloud, she covered her mouth with her hand and backed away slightly. That wasn't supposed to be shared. Now Gloria had the capability of telling the guards and she could be fucking sent to Florida. Which would make her worst nightmare a fucking reality. She just completely screwed herself.

However, Gloria didn't leave her to do any of what Lorna had imagined in her mind she would do. Instead, all the Hispanic woman had done next was wrap her arms around her and bring her in for a fierce embrace. Lorna was reluctant to let her body relax into it but once it did, a whole floodgate of emotions came swirling to the surface. Like Gloria's arms around her had pressed an invisible button which somehow was the button to make her feel. All the feelings she had pushed down now came up all at once and she couldn't do anything to stop them.

The sensation of Lorna's body tremoring as she hugged her only reinforced the tightness of her arms around it. Gloria brushed one hand gently up and down her spine but let her cry for a few minutes before speaking up again. When the crying transformed into spaced out sniffles, Gloria decided that was the appropriate time for she to resume talking to her. "Honey, that's a horrible thing to say. Is that, is that why you took the knife? Ya want to keep cutting yourself until it ends in your death? You think being honest with Nicky would make her leave you?" She tried to be gentle with her questions following them with another comforting hand rub around Lorna's back.

"No, it has nothin' to do with that. Nicky is not the reason I wanna go back to the closet and slice my skin over and over with the knife, okay? Nicky is the only good thing in this stupid prison, Gloria. She's the only good thing in my life and-and all I ever do is hurt her. That's all I'm fuckin' good at is hurtin' Nicky. It's not fair. She's been the only person who's loved me and looked out for me and I didn't do nothin' but cause her pain. I wish I could be a good girlfriend to her. I love her more than anyone. I love her fucking more than myself. And she fuckin' deserves to be loved more than myself because she's an angel. She deserves someone betta than me, Gloria. I know she does. I know I don't deserve to be with her after how much I hurt her."

Lorna paused to take in a breath. "I want to cut myself because I need to be punished for breaking Nicky's pure, selfless, precious heart."