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Disclaimer: I do not own The Big Bang Theory or any of the characters therein.
XxXxXxXxXxX
"Mama said I'd find you out here."
Sheldon recognized the voice and scooted out from under Daddy's truck, seeing Missy's silhouette against the sunlike streaming into the garage. "Good morning, Missy," he greeted, recalling Penny's advice.
Missy cocked a brow as she became more visible, stepping further inside. "I almost didn't believe her when she said you were fixin' up the truck. Thought you'd be screamin' about germs or somethin'."
His jaw clenched, ignoring the spots littering his flesh from where he had come into contact with sullied objects. "This is more important."
"Clearly," she drawled, coming closer, inspecting Daddy's truck. "Is that why you been spendin' a bunch of money on new parts?"
"I must do a good job and invest all that I can."
Missy held up a hand. "You don't have to tell me. What'd he always say? 'If you're gonna half-ass something, you might as well not do it at all.'"
Sheldon shook his head, well-used to her inept memory. "No. 'If you're gonna half-ass anything, no one'll ever take you seriously. Half-assin' equals not even doin' it at all.'"
"Same thing," she dismissed with a wave of her hand. "It's nice of you to fix it up. We always said we would get somebody to fix it, but it's just sat here, collecting dust and rust. Gig tried doin' it once a while ago but quit early; he said he didn't understand any of it."
He glanced at several noticeable dents. "I am familiar with the evidence of his work."
"Daddy tried to teach him when we were kids- "
"I remember."
"And he could never pick it up, but when Daddy taught you, you just soaked it all in."
Sheldon swallowed at the onslaught of memories. "I was his 'helper.'"
Missy shrugged and brushed her finger over the pristine hood, which he had cleaned and waxed extensively. "You've always been a worker like him. Gig's all about bein' an owner, havin' his fingers in a bunch of different pies, but never gettin' the whole pie. You and Daddy were always about the whole pie."
It appeared to him painfully that Gig might have secured a more mature balance than he ever had—it was intolerable to consider! "I suppose so."
"How long you plannin' on stayin'?"
Sheldon hesitated before he recalled how Penny would simply shrug her shoulders; he mimicked the memory. "I cannot say. I am like Schrödinger's cat- "
Missy groaned. "Not the cat that can't make up its mind if it's alive or dead."
He glared at her. "I exist in a liminal state like Schrödinger's cat, though the form is different. I feel pulled by two opposing forces, unknowing which to choose. I should stay and should not stay simultaneously. Thus, I am Schrödinger's cat, both alive and dead in a sense."
"Why can't you just come out and say you feel lost?"
"Fine," he conceded, unhappy to admit it—but he felt even more unhappy by the fact he felt lost. "I feel lost."
"You been feelin' lost for years."
Sheldon's eyes narrowed up at her. "No, I have felt lost only since the catastrophe that befell me in the past months- "
"You been feelin' lost since Daddy died, Shelly."
"Sheldon," he corrected in a panic, not wanting to talk about Daddy. "Mama named me Sheldon. It is how you must address me. Desist from your adolescent antics."
Missy sighed. "Here we go again. Have I ever done that? You're the one with the big brain, so tell me. Have I ever not called you Shelly?"
"No."
"Exactly. Don't start whinin' now- … Oh, what's the use? Your first words were a whine. You'll never stop. But you know what's really gotta stop? You feelin' lost since Daddy died."
He stiffened. "That has nothing to do- "
"It has everythin' to do with it," Missy interrupted, and he resented that she was familiar enough with him to know his train of thought even if she could not understand it. "And we both know it. You can be pretty stupid, you always have been, but you became a lot stupider after he died. You changed."
Sheldon ignored her and pulled himself back under Daddy's truck. "I refuse to speak of this."
"Then why you fixin' the truck just like Daddy used to?" she asked with a knowingness in her voice that was maddening. "You even look like him, dressed in those jeans with those flannel sleeves rolled up- "
He paused and took a deep breath, eyes tracing the numerous car parts visible to his eyes; everything looked more secure and in its place. "I do not care if I dirty these clothes."
Missy laughed slightly. "Ahh, there is it—just like Daddy with him wearin' clothes he didn't care if were ruined. You're a lot more like Daddy than you think. You even got a beard, too."
Sheldon adjusted one of the wires with a rough intensity, trying to ignore her. "Gig looks like him. I look like no one."
"We both know you're not that stupid. Gig's like Daddy physically, but he's real wild—Daddy wasn't wild; he was a lot more like you. He was serious."
"Daddy drank," he hissed, cursing himself for falling into her trap.
"But Gig's wild without beer; it took beer to make Daddy wild, and even then, Daddy's wasn't that wild."
"Alcohol only reveals what already exists beneath layers of social conditioning."
Missy sighed and surprised him by sitting down next to his legs, from where they stretched out from under Daddy's truck. "When he took us all shootin' when you and me were eight, what did you do?"
Sheldon blinked in surprise. "Followed instructions."
"What did Gig do?"
"Get punished for disobedience."
"But why?"
He shook his head at the memory. "For trying to replace the bullets with rocks. He wanted to shoot rocks at the Simmons brothers."
Missy snorted in amusement. "And what did I do?"
"Complain."
"You were the only one who listened to Daddy," Missy reminded. "When you were shootin' at that racoon so close it crapped itself, Daddy was proud. He was braggin' about you to Mama all night. Daddy was always about order and discipline, right? That sounds like someone I shared a womb with. While Gig and I were screwin' around and not bein' serious, you were—just like Daddy. Daddy's biggest failin' was that he drank a lot. But you're failin' like he did, too, but just in a different way. Daddy distracted himself to death, and you're doin' the same thing because you stopped bein' human, which is the same thing as bein' dead."
Sheldon swung out from under Daddy's truck with a reviling glare; his heart raced painfully. "Stop it. Your unintelligence is as massive as your beautiful appearance."
Missy's brows rose as she smirked, shaking her head. "There's my pig-headed brother. I was wonderin' when I'd see you again."
"You have seen me exactly twelve times since I arrived- "
"When am I gonna see the brother I grew up with, not whatever you are now?"
His brows furrowed. "I am me and always have been."
"Where's the Shelly who cut my hair while I was sleepin' after I glued your sleeves together in your clothes so you couldn't wear any of 'em?"
Sheldon glowered. "That was your friends' idea."
Missy looked unapologetic. "Yeah. But we didn't think you'd cut my hair in retaliation—and cut it badly, too. It took Mama and Meemaw hours to make it look okay."
"I despised your friends," he recalled. "I despised you when you were with them. You transformed—became someone else. You succumbed to social pressure—sickening."
"I've hated you, too, before."
"I remember."
"It was hard growin' up with you," Missy said. "People liked me, unlike you, but they always looked at me like I was missin' something—all those smarts that you got. You were always goin' off about Newton and how you try to measure up, but have you measured up to him, Shelly?"
Sheldon flinched. "No."
"And it hurts, don't it?"
"Yes," he whispered, feeling a pressure in his chest that was most unpleasant.
"That's what it was like growin' up with you 'cause I could never measure up to my brainiac twin brother. And Daddy and Mama always had their hands full tryin' to keep you in line so you didn't end up killin' yourself or something with all your experiments. You had no common sense. Even after you first touched the hot stove, you still wanted to touch it, tryin' to figure out why it felt hot and how the pain traveled your body. Do you remember that?"
Sheldon nodded. "I remember. Mama was furious."
"She was scared, Shelly," Missy corrected, watching him. "She thought you were suicidal; she thought you'd go lookin' for death to see what it felt like 'cause you were so curious. But death never scared you—until Daddy died, right?"
Sheldon jumped, burned. "I refuse to speak of it."
"Why? I loved Daddy, too—I miss him, too."
"You weren't there," he snapped, palpitations overwhelming him; he heard the echo in his mind, felt it thrumming through his flesh.
Missy's eyes crinkled. "No, you were there—only you. I haven't seen my twin brother since that early mornin' when you two left for the- "
He surged to his feet as the memories surged through his mind—Daddy was so excited that morning and eager to depart, rambling about all the things he was going to show him, how he was taking him specifically to his favorite spot. "Stop it."
Missy's head tilted, face sad. "You can't stop everythin', Shelly. You can try to stop a trainwreck in progress, but it's still gonna crash. You've been tryin' to avoid the crash for so long, fightin' against it, doin' everythin' you can from your contracts and structures and systems to keep it from happenin'. How long are you gonna be able to keep it up? You gotta crash eventually—you're gonna. You gotta face it head-on. Daddy died, and he's been gone for fifteen years, more than half our lives now. When are you gonna accept it?"
Sheldon ordered the foreign but profoundly unpleasant mist in his eyes to retreat, which it did after several moments. "I do accept it," he intoned, staring down at her. "I accepted it the day it happened."
"But when are you gonna accept that you had to accept it?"
"That is irrational- "
Missy's eyes bore into him. "Then why not tell me what happened that day?"
Sheldon cringed, breaths coming in gasps. "No, there is nothing- "
"You've never talked about it. No one knows what happened; we know the 'why' and 'how' but not the 'what.' It'd give us peace of mind to know—I think it'd give you peace of mind, too."
"His drinking killed him!" he snapped, feeling an unholy pressure in his chest; it felt like his own heart was attacking him—like Daddy's did! "Even your miniscule intellect grasps it!"
Missy stood to her feet slowly, face long and sad. "But you were the one that was there with him when it happened. What happened to you? Daddy wasn't the only one who died that day—you died, too. What happened?"
"Stop it!" Sheldon roared, voice rising in ways unbecoming of a sophisticated mind.
"You gotta let it out sometime. You've held onto it for fifteen years and never shared it; you didn't even talk 'til after the funeral—and that was only to tell us all you were goin' back to college, 'effective immediately.' Then you were gone, and we've barely seen you since. I have a right to know what happened to Daddy—we all do. What happened that day, Shelly? You went to the lake- "
Sheldon burst out of the garage and bolted, running—like the deer that night.
XxXxXxXxXxX
Leonard gathered his things and shuffled them into his bag, cursing under his breath. He had promised himself to take off early to try to surprise Penny before she left for her evening shift to get back on her good graces, but he had worked to his normal stopping time—damn it! How could he get her to like him again and look at him like she used to, before the stupid Arctic and Sheldon's overreaction to the prank? How could he get her to be patient and intelligent, to just sit and listen to what he had to say? How could he get her on his side rather than impossibly on Sheldon's side? How could he make her see that Sheldon had exaggerated what happened with the prank and that by being so stubborn, she was being just as bad as Sheldon? How could he get her to actually smile at him again, looking like she trusted him? How could he get her to stop looking at him like all the girls in high school had?
But he would keep trying—he knew that he was so close to getting there! It would only be a little longer until he could be with Penny like he had always dreamed; it would only be a little longer until she came to her senses and actually saw what was happening and understood it; it would only be a little longer until he could sleep with her and finally live the fantasies that had burned in his mind since the moment he saw her; it would only be a little longer until he could introduce her as his girlfriend; it would only be a little longer until he could get people's respect by having such a hot girlfriend, who was blonde and perky; it would only be a little longer until everything would start looking up; it would only be a little longer until everything in his life was perfect
For so long, he had waited until a hot girl saw past the short height and glasses, willing to give him a chance to make her life so much better, which would make his own life so much better from the social power of dating a hot girl. Everyone would treat him with awe! Everyone would look at him with respect! Everyone would wonder how he had managed to pull off the impossible—and he would keep everyone wondering! Everyone would look at him like an equal rather than just a nerd! Everyone would look at him and be impressed with his charm and skills to get with such a hot girl!
He would make it a reality because he was so close with Penny!
Leonard logged out of his computer with haste, reached over to grab his jacket, which he pulled around his shoulders and pulled his arms through, and arched his neck, slinging his bag over his head to land on his neck. He adjusted it slightly, came around his desk, and jumped when he noticed Dr. Gaublehoser standing in the doorway to his office; he placed a hand on his chest and laughed.
"Dr. Gaublehoser, you startled me," he greeted with a smile.
But Dr. Gaublehoser wasn't laughing and instead closed the door, which provoked bells to shrill in his mind.
"What can I help you with?" he asked, proud when his voice stayed even and curious—but confusion and alarm spread through him, along with a rising dread.
Dr. Gaublehoser stuffed his hands into his jacket pockets, eyes peering down at him. "You can tell me the truth, Dr. Hofstadter."
"Truth?" he echoed. "What are you talking about?"
"Dr. Cooper's Arctic expedition on which you accompanied him."
He tried to laugh but it came out hoarse. "What about it?"
"His proud declaration of proving String Theory followed by his subsequent resignation and declaration of failure is mystifying," Dr. Gaublehoser said, voice calm—too calm. "This is Dr. Cooper, who, while known to be hasty in social situations, is never hasty when it comes to research and science. The entire ordeal doesn't make sense."
The dread gripped his spine and refused to let go, but Leonard tried to adjust his bag and walk Dr. Gaublehoser to the door, but Dr. Gaublehoser simply leaned his back against the closed door, watching him. He smiled, which he felt was too wide by the pain in his lips. "It is strange," he agreed, thinking rapidly, trying not to do anything that provoked suspicion. "But stranger things have happened. And it is the Arctic, which is a strange place. It's like another world there. We were constantly comparing it to C.S. Lewis' fictional world of Narnia. Did you know that C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien were great friends? What are the odds of that?"
Dr. Gaublehoser's smile was cold. "The fact you avoid this subject is telling, Dr. Hofstadter. You aren't acting normal—your normal. You are so committed to acting like nothing of importance or note happened that you overcompensate. We plan to open an investigation into what happened. We put a lot of funds into Dr. Cooper's expedition. We would hate for anything to have jeopardized his research. Do you have anything you want to tell me before this university wastes anymore of its valuable funds?"
Leonard froze, barely able to think in the drowning panic consuming him like a fire, but he swallowed and jerked his head in a shake. "No, no, nothing happened. Dr. Cooper misinterpreted the results."
Dr. Gaublehoser's eyes closed as he sighed. "I gave you a chance to retain your dignity, and you didn't take it; I gave you a chance to come clean. I really wanted you to take it. The truth is—we already investigated, Dr. Hofstadter. We know what happened. Even without Dr. Cooper's testimony, we know. We don't know the 'how' or 'why,' but we do know the 'what.' There was interference of some kind in his experiment, which could only have come from those conducting the experiment. We are all certain that Dr. Cooper is not responsible for it. The thought is one of the most absurd ever forwarded. This means that the culprit was either you, Dr. Koothrapali, or Mr. Wolowitz, but we were not sure—nor did we want to arouse suspicion since Dr. Cooper has vanished into the wind, humiliated, unable to help with our investigation. Instead, we contacted body language experts and psychologists to analyze your behavior to discern which among you betrayed Dr. Cooper and this university, wasting valuable funds. Imagine our surprise when these experts vowed that all three of you are guilty of the tampering."
"Nothing happened!" he denied, voice cracking. "Dr. Gaublehoser, I swear. This is all a big misunderstanding. Sheldon- I mean, Dr. Cooper was overreactive and hasty; he should have reviewed his findings again to find his mistakes. He hogged the data and wouldn't let us take a look at it. Otherwise, we would have seen his mistakes and prevented all of this from happening!"
"We saw the data published in his study," Dr. Gaublehoser replied, and Leonard felt his stomach swallow his heart. "We know that there were false readings, but we also know Dr. Cooper; he would never make such consistent mistakes in such a powerful rhythm that left his entire study unreliable. It was as if he was operating on an entirely different frequency than what he should have been, which is a mistake he would never make. We analyzed the results extensively multiple times, and not even one single piece of data is valuable—because it's all wrong. No, Dr. Hofstadter, this was always going to happen because you wished it to happen, along with Dr. Koothrapali and Mr. Wolowitz. Dr. Cooper published his findings because he was certain of their validity, and we know that Dr. Cooper doesn't make mistakes—not like this. This was not a tiny, inscrutable error that even Einstein could have overlooked. No, this was an entire study that resembled the inaccuracy of an adjunct professor, incapable of devoting his full time to the experiment, not the renowned and reputable Dr. Cooper. We know what happened—Dr. Cooper actually was operating on an entirely different frequency than what he should have been because you oriented him to it, tampering with his experiment and research, feeding him manipulated, intentionally misconstrued data to fuel his study. Have we missed anything?"
Leonard meant to deny it and raise various objections to how the conclusion was reached, but he only bowed his head meekly. "No."
"We thought not," Dr. Gaublehoser said, voice solemn but stern, on the verge of reviling. "This is a very messy situation, Dr. Hofstadter. I wish this had not happened—I wish Dr. Cooper really had just made a simple error, but the evidence of sabotage is too overwhelming and obvious to those who know what to look for, such as myself and the Board. We don't know the 'why' or the 'how,' and nor do we care to know; we don't care about motivations, only results. And now I deliver the result of your tampering—you are on suspension for the rest of this semester without pay."
His eyes bulged. "The semester just started!"
"Same goes for Dr. Koothrapali and Mr. Wolowitz," Dr. Gaublehoser continued, pitiless. "I will be speaking with them after this. Dr. Cooper brings extensive funding to this university from private donors who are aware of his potential, for they want to help him reach it—have a nice story to tell their grandchildren. 'I helped Einstein's successor discovery this-and-that.' You jeopardized more than you know, Dr. Hofstadter. If it was up to me, you would be fired right now, but the Board does not want word of this to get out. This is a humiliating situation that affects our legacy and raises questions about our culture here and the working environments we provide. This is what will happen—officially, you are welcome back after your semester-long, non-paid suspension, but unofficially, you aren't welcome back. You no longer have a job. Officially, all four of you—Dr. Cooper, yourself, Dr. Koothrapali, and Mr. Wolowitz—are on sabbatical to recover from your grueling trip to the Arctic, and that is the stance we take will with anyone who asks. But only Dr. Cooper will be paid during his sabbatical—and only is Dr. Cooper welcome back when he wishes to return. I recommend that you look elsewhere for employment, for no one here will ever trust you again. You might have to go to Europe, perhaps. But word does get around, and there will be nowhere you can run where this won't find you. You should be thankful that Dr. Cooper was too mortified to act against you and supply more evidence. Our problem now is convincing Dr. Cooper to return to work for us. Short of murdering someone, he has always been golden in the Board's eyes, despite his 'unique' social proclivities. A man of his intellectual caliber must always remain in CalTech's orbit. The Board demands it. But you threatened that, Dr. Hofstadter. Now we have no idea where Dr. Cooper is nor when he plans to return—if he plans to return. If he is ever to agree to return to his ground-breaking work here, he must feel welcome and be without reservations. Your presence also jeopardizes that. Do you actually know where Dr. Cooper is? We really need to speak with him."
Leonard shook his head numbly. "I don't know. He took off without warning."
Dr. Gaublehoser snorted in derision. "Can't imagine why. Now I must ask—would Dr. Koothrapali's mutism surface in this type of situation?"
"I don't know."
"It's no matter," Dr. Gaublehoser dismissed. "Dr. Cooper gave him the greatest opportunity of his career, and he stabbed him in the back. He should be silent."
He flinched, feeling like he needed his inhaler; his asthma was suffocating him, constricting the air pathways in his lungs. "Right."
Dr. Gaublehoser was silent for a long time, staring at him, and Leonard could only stare at his shoes, unable to meet his imposing gaze. "I was under the impression you were all friends with Dr. Cooper. If this is how you treat a friend, even I shudder at how you must treat an enemy."
Leonard did nothing—could do nothing—as Dr. Gaublehoser left his office, stranding him in a cauldron of isolation, bitterness, and fear. He thought that he, Howard, and Raj were in the clear and that nothing would happen; they were counting on people losing interest quickly, especially without Sheldon around to raise a fuss. And that's how it seemed; things had settled down. The water wasn't rippling anymore, putting them in the clear, and they all let down their guards.
But something did happen when he least expected it; he had busy thinking about Penny lately, not even giving thought to the possibility that he might have been under a concealed investigation by the Board.
His career was over.
Leonard's fingers trembled, eyes misty, as he pulled out his phone and texted Howard and Raj as quickly as possible, to try to prepare them so they weren't blindsided like he was.
Gaublehoser's on his way. He knows.
XxXxXxXxXxX
The day had been long and tiring. First, she had attended her serious acting class, which she loved because an opportunity had opened up for her! One of the talent coaches had told her she might be just what her production house was looking for! But her enthusiasm was short-lived because she had to leave quickly to work an extended shift at the Cheesecake Factory. By the time she got off work and made it back to the apartment, she just wanted to soak in the tub and drink a cheap but nice bottle of wine, imagining herself in an actual, real production, which she would contact in the morning to schedule an audition and get more information.
But her bath and wine plans were dashed when she reached her floor.
Leonard sat in front of her apartment door, slouching against it; most concerning, there were several empty beer bottles scattered by his legs. But before she could retreat or go somewhere else, he noticed her and stumbled to his feet; his eyes were glassy and red.
"Did you do it?" he croaked, seeming to find his balance as he stood as tall as he could, puffing out his chest. "Did you rat us out?
"What are you talking about?"
"You know."
"No, I don't- "
Leonard crossed his arms across his chest, face spasming. "About the prank."
She knew instantly what he referred to with the 'prank,' but not how it applied with 'ratting' Leonard, Howard, and Raj out. "You mean sabotage- "
"You told him!" Leonard exploded, glaring at her. "I didn't think you would actually do it!"
Penny blinked and stared at him. "Again, what are you talking about?"
"Don't pretend to be such a good actress! We both know you're terrible—always have been!"
Her eyes narrowed into slits. At least she knew what Leonard had always thought of her dreams. He had always smiled and told her to go for it because she would be a great actress while clearly thinking secretly that she was a terrible one and wasting her time and energy. "We both know you're drunk- "
"You told Gaublehoser about the Arctic! And we're all suspended without pay! Officially, we're welcome back after our mandated sabbaticals, but unofficially, we're not! Our careers are over! You went behind our backs and told him!"
She had known that their sabotage of Sheldon's experiment was a big deal, but it didn't register how big a deal it was until just then. "Really?" she breathed, shocked—but not angry.
There had been a big part of her that thought nothing would come of the sabotage, that Leonard, Howard, and Raj would get off scot-free. Part of her had even wanted them to get off scot-free because part of her still wanted to be their friend even if she knew it was never going to be possible again. It was hard not to think of them as her friends, but she knew that they weren't. She was unsure if they ever were.
Leonard's face twisted. "Really," he confirmed, bitter. "All because of a stupid prank. Yeah, we shouldn't have done it, but Sheldon shouldn't have been such a tyrant!"
Penny stared at him sadly, but she felt little sympathy. "He shouldn't have invited you."
"Exactly! It's Sheldon's fault!"
"Sheldon didn't force you at gunpoint or something to sabotage him!" she snapped, even angrier because she was exhausted and just wanted to soak in the tub, but now she was having to deal with a mess. "Take some accountability! It was your own choice to do it!"
"It was your choice to tell Gaublehoser, who told the Board! You ratted us out!"
Penny pinched her arm to see if she was actually awake because the whole thing was insane. "No, I didn't tell whoever the hell it is you're talking about! I've told no one! I hoped that you would grow a conscience and confess!"
Leonard didn't look satisfied. "Then it was Sheldon; he somehow got in touch- "
"Stop blaming Sheldon!" she cried out, aggravated. "Has it ever occurred to you that you're just a shitty actor? Of course, people were going to be suspicious. It's your own fault, not Sheldon- "
He flung his hands out in dismayed frustration. "Stop taking his side! Stop letting him—just the memory of him—come between us! If it weren't for that, we'd be together already! You should be on my side—you should be with me! He ruined everything! First, it was with that stupid expedition when I was about to make my move, and then when we got back, he stopped us from getting together- "
Penny glared at him in disbelief. "There's never going to be anything between us! Unwax your ears if you need to hear it again, but it's the truth! You're not the hero here, Leonard. I don't even know you anymore, and now I'm not sure I ever did."
"Of course, you know me!" he protested, staring at her in betrayal. "I'm the same guy you met when you moved in."
"But I'm not the same girl who moved in- "
Leonard stepped closer, eyes alight. "Exactly! You would have never given me a shot back then, but now you're willing; you can actually see me now.
"I do see you now," she whispered, pained, seeing his flushed, twisting face, eyes desperate for her approval—desperate for her to be everything that he wanted. "I see. There's never going to be anything between us. I would say sorry, but I'm not sorry. This is what I want, and what I want is for us not to be together."
"What do I have to do?" he begged, voice breaking. "Do you want me to track down Sheldon? Is that it? What do you want me to do? What do you want me to be? If you're worried about my job, don't. I'll find another one—I swear. I just want to be with you, and I'll be what you want me to be. Who do you want me to be?"
Penny stared at him, exhausted and sad. "All I want you to do is accept my decision. You don't have to understand it or approve of it or agree with it, but you do have to accept it. It's my decision to make. You're not going to win me over. There's nothing here for us. I don't want there to be."
Tears fell out of Leonard's heartbroken eyes, and she stepped aside as he scrambled down the stairs. She stood there for a long time, listening to his uneven trot down the stairs, before she sighed in exhaustion and went into her apartment; she paused briefly to pick up Leonard's empty beer cans and heard Sheldon lecturing her about the importance of keeping areas tidy and clean. When she entered her apartment, she closed and locked the door, and grabbed a quick bite—nothing better than yogurt with nuts as dinner. After, she downed it with milk—the same kind Sheldon always bought—and went into her bedroom.
She peeled off her clothes, dropped them on the floor before a ragged sigh escaped her when she heard Sheldon's voice in her mind echo about the necessity of hygiene and order. She tossed her dirty clothes into her basket and drew herself water for a nice soak in the tub. Once it was warm and filled up enough, she slipped into the water with a moan of relief after the long day—though it was a good day! She finally had a chance to do something she wanted to do, to achieve the passion that had made her move to California in the first place, even if, for a long time, it had been misdirected.
Penny needed to tell someone, and there was only one person she wanted to tell.
But she bit her lip, unsure if she should stretch the ritual because it wasn't the agreed-upon day to call Sheldon. Even though she had already broken it, she didn't want to push her luck too much—but it was important! She had to tell Sheldon that she had succeeded and finally gotten the opportunity that had always slipped through her fingers! But would Sheldon be in the mood to talk? Apparently, from what she was able to piece together from a reluctant-to-share-anything Sheldon, Missy had been pestering him about something to do with their dad, which caused Sheldon to flip out; he said he had banished Missy from his presence. But he had been acting a lot stiffer and harsher when they had talked since the 'incident' happened. There was too much anger on his side.
Her fingers made the decision for her, reaching out for the phone and dialing the familiar number; she placed it on speaker and leaned her head back against the tub's lip.
It stopped dialing suddenly, alerting her that he answered.
"Sorry, I know it's past your bedtime- "
"Irrelevant."
Penny smiled. "Because you're already up or because you answered?"
"Both."
"Do you know what's really relevant? It's why I called you." She remembered Leonard suddenly and winced. "Well, there are two reasons, actually."
"Which are?" Sheldon asked, sounding curious.
"I got an opportunity to be part of a production!" she exclaimed, voice rising in her excitement and awe. "I don't know what the part is yet, but it's for the stage; it's actual theater. It could be Shakespeare for all I know!"
"Excellent news," he agreed in praise. "Did you have an audition?"
"No, but I got a contact who thinks I'm just what the production house is looking for. I get to be on stage; I get to do something real. This is what I've always wanted to do!"
"It is wise of you to pursue theater instead of your frivolous attempts at television or film."
Penny blinked. "You knew?"
"Knew what?"
"Knew that I should do theater?"
"Yes," he replied instantly as if it was no big deal.
Penny's lips parted in disbelief. "Why didn't you ever say anything?"
"You never asked," Sheldon observed, sounding confused.
Her eyes closed as she sighed. "But why didn't you say anything? You're always willing to throw your two cents in."
"I thought you would attempt to punch my throat if I told you."
"Why?"
"Because you are violent."
A brief laugh escaped her. "No, why do you think I would punch you in the throat for saying that?"
"It is personal, something close to you, which only you understand. You would be insulted if I advised you one way or the other since I have no experience with it."
That was surprisingly reasonable of him to realize. "Good job."
"I know. You search for the truth in a unique way," Sheldon pointed out, and she had no idea where he was going in the conversation, but she listened. "Due to your admiration for the truth, anything that is not 'truthful' will not be held in as high esteem. Thus, you will not dedicate yourself as steadfastly as you otherwise would since it does not correlate to the truth. That is why film acting, performing for a camera, was never a wise option that complemented your nature, for film acting is not an immersed performance where it is all the truth. Film acting requires various takes, which, when compared to theater, is a cheap and sporadic adherence to the truth, whereas in theater, you must be 'truthful' the entire time, so to speak. Does that make sense?"
Penny blinked before smiling, never realizing that about herself, but it made perfect sense. "It does, sweetie. Thanks. I'm really happy about this."
"I am proud of you," he continued. "You made the intelligent choice and work with diligence to see it through to its completion. It resembles my dedication to my work. I would tolerate no one advising me on it, which is why I never explained the disparity of film versus theater to you."
Penny's smile slipped when she remembered Leonard's news. "That actually kind of brings me to that other news I needed to tell you. It's about Leonard, Howard, and Raj."
She heard a grunt of surprise echo in her ears and could picture his body tightening, mouth compressing in a thin line. "I do not care to hear- "
"The university fired them."
There was a long silence before Sheldon's stiff sigh reached her ears. "Are you certain?"
Penny smiled sadly. "Leonard got drunk and told me; he was waiting for me outside of my apartment. He thought I told some guy named Gamehoosier- "
"Gaublehoser."
"Yeah, him. Apparently, from what it sounds like, it's all political or something. Officially, they're welcome back, but unofficially, they're not. They're suspended without pay—something about a sabbatical."
"That is a paradox," Sheldon pointed out, voice tight and dark; he sounded on the verge of an eruption. "I loathe paradoxes, Penny. How are they welcome back officially but not unofficially?"
She sighed, trying to figure out how to explain it to him; she didn't know the details, but she could guess the details pretty well. "Do you know what saving face is?"
"A ploy to avoid social humiliation," Sheldon responded, sounding like he was reciting something.
Penny nodded. "That's what it is. I think it allows the university to save face instead of dealing with the backlash of three of their employees sabotaging another employee on his research experiment. This allows the university to fire Leonard, Howard, and Raj quietly without making noise, keeping people from looking into it much. Does that make sense?"
The silence was pierced after several thick moments. "I believe so," he answered, the words falling from his lips strangely. "Once the suspension concludes, none of them are welcome back?"
"Yes, that's what it sounds like. It was kind of hard to keep up with Leonard, but I think that's the gist of it. They were really all fired today is what it sounds like, but it's not going to show up 'in the system' for a while."
"To save face," Sheldon echoed, voice more certain. "Did they confess- "
Penny shook her head. "No, it came out of nowhere because Leonard thought that I ratted him, Howard, and Raj out, but I didn't. I was hoping that they would grow consciences and tell the truth. I'm guessing there was an investigation or something, and the university found some things that it didn't like." Something occurred to her as she hesitated. "You know, people have probably been trying to call you or email you or something about it all."
"I resigned from my position," he intoned in reminder. "No one would try to contact me."
"But have you checked?" she asked, concerned, because she knew that the higher-ups at CalTech like Gaublehoser must be trying to get in touch with Sheldon to let him know or to try to offer him his position back. "There was an investigation of some kind, and Leonard, Howard, and Raj were found out. That means that somebody at the university knows the truth—or most of it—about what happened, which means that people know why you resigned. I bet if you came back, you'd be given your old job back."
Sheldon was silent for a very long time; she would have thought her connection was lost if not for the sound of his breathing. "My conclusion remains," he said softly. "My conclusion is accurate. This reversal in fortune does not dismiss the necessity of my resignation. Otherwise, this could happen again. I cannot return until I have everything in its place."
Penny didn't realize how much she had wanted him to come back until he said he couldn't. "How's that going?" she asked, trying to keep her voice normal. "Made any progress?"
"Various progress. However, the more I investigate, the more I sense that is needed."
She placed a wet hand to her forehead, nodding. "That's how it is with everything. There's always more you can do."
"I am unsure when to stop," he confessed, surprising her. "I do not know when enough is enough. How much must I do? Is it possible to put everything in its place?"
Penny hesitated for a second before sagging back. "I guess you stop when you feel peace. Do you feel at peace?"
"No."
"Have you ever felt at peace?"
Sheldon's sigh was ragged and worn through her phone's speaker. "Only in my earliest memories."
Her face tightened in recognition, feeling a powerful sympathy. She could imagine a young Sheldon as a boy trying desperately to make everything make sense and feel peace but unable to, which resulted in his obsessive need for control, order, structures, and systems. "I think that's how it is for everyone, Sheldon. I don't remember when I had peace, but I know I had it once. Maybe peace is just acceptance. As a baby and child, you accept everything around you and everything that happens to you because you don't understand any of it—your only option is to just accept it. But once you get older, you fight it and can't accept it—because you know how things could be different. You become aware. Maybe that's what you have to do—accept everything that's happened to you. Maybe that's the only way you'll ever get peace."
"I despise your conclusion but cannot refute it currently."
Penny felt no vindication. "And it's all about emotion, right? You despise it, which is emotion."
"I know," Sheldon whispered, pained. "I still have much sorting and sifting to accomplish."
"You'll get there," she encouraged. "You're the smartest guy I'll ever meet- "
"Affirmative."
"You'll figure it out and see it through to its completion."
Sheldon was silent before his voice crackled through her phone's speaker: "Thank you, Penny."
Penny swallowed the emotion bubbling inside her. "You take as long as you need—there's nothing wrong with it. With how much logic you have, you must have just as much emotion. Do what you have to do."
"I recommend you hold yourself to a similar standard," Sheldon said. "'Do what you have to do.' It is the only way you will obtain success in pursuing your acting opportunity."
A smile stretched her lips. "Deal."
XxXxXxXxXxX
"Dude, we keep striking out," Raj whined as he walked back towards the bar; he took a big swig of his beer. "That's the sixth girl who's rejected me. I thought we had something special."
Leonard smiled sympathetically; at least, he tried to. It was getting harder and harder the more they were rejected, which only reminded him of how Penny had rejected him. He couldn't think about her! He refused to! It was one reason why he didn't approach any of the blondes—and the fact that he didn't have any sort of chance with any of them. "Just give it time. You'll find one. It's her loss, right?"
Raj stared at him, dejected. "Has saying that ever made you feel better?"
"Yes."
"Are you saying that about Penny?"
"Yes."
"Is it helping?"
Leonard sagged against the bar. "No," he admitted, feeling his face twist with sorrow. "But it's all we can do."
"Get over her," Howard cut in, rolling his eyes. "I'm talking to both of you. Neither of them were even that hot. I've seen way hotter—not in-person, no. But a quick Google search will pull up the hottest girls you'll ever see in your lives. Raj, that girl you were just talking to probably lives with cats or something. You lucked out."
"Doesn't feel like it," Raj muttered sullenly.
Howard slapped Leonard on the shoulder. "And losing Penny sucks. Believe me, I know. I was pulling for you. I mean, I wanted her to be with you the most after me, of course. But you'll find one hotter. And if you have to pay for it, there's no shame in that."
Leonard closed his eyes. "Money's going to be really tight now. I can't pay for it."
A haunting silence fell over them as they were all reminded of their shared unemployment. They had all agreed to go to the bar and waste away their sorrows and try to pick up girls—just the once for one night. They had to do it for themselves and their dignities. It was the only solution—distracting. Otherwise, they would have to face it all at once, which was unbearable.
"Why does this always happen?" Raj whispered.
Howard snorted with false confidence. "All you need to do is- " he cut himself off with a strangled gasp, staring past Leonard with wide eyes.
Leonard rapidly turned around to see what had caused Howard's sudden silence.
It was a sign from above!
A beautiful girl had appeared near them, gesturing for the bartender.
Leonard quickly introduced himself, stumbling as he stepped closer towards her. "Hello," he greeted, hoping his smile didn't seem desperate. Based on the bartender's raised eyebrow, he wasn't successful. "I'm Leonard. I'll pay for your drink."
The girl glanced at him, eyeing him up and down. "Sure. Thanks." She turned to the bartender. "Margarita."
The bartender nodded while Leonard pulled out some bills from his wallet, hastily handing them to the bartender, who swiftly and robotically began making the drink.
An awkward chuckle escaped his lips; he could feel Raj and Howard's eyes on him. "So, I didn't catch your name."
"I know," the girl responded, not even looking at him.
Leonard desperately glanced at Howard and Raj but they just shrugged. "Do you live near here?" he asked, turning back to her. "If not, I could show you around. I work at CalTech," he lied, refusing to admit to a hot girl that he was just fired. "It's a little- "
The girl turned to face him, surprised. "CalTech?"
He nodded eagerly, even though he knew that he would need to find a new place to work. "Yes. I'm a physicist."
"I didn't know they had Doctor offices there."
Leonard blinked, realizing that she didn't understand. "No, no, that's a physician. I'm a physicist. You know Einstein, right? I'm like him."
The girl's eyebrows rose before she finally smiled, and Leonard was blown away by her beauty. "I'm Cathy."
"Here you are," the bartender suddenly interrupted, handing Cathy her drink, and Leonard stood, silent, already knowing that Cathy was going to walk away, but to his amazement, Cathy took the drink and remained where she was.
Leonard quickly spoke, hoping that he didn't say something stupid. "So, you like Einstein?"
Cathy took a sip of her drink, seeming to consider her answer. "Well… I know he was smart. He made those laws and stuff, right? The ones about gravity?"
"That was Newton," he corrected kindly. "Well, it was also Einstein, too. Einstein's theory of relativity explains that- " Upon seeing the disinterested glaze look overtaking her amazing eyes, he changed the subject. "- but who cares about that, right?" he asked hoarsely, taking a quick drink. "Newton was inspired by an apple falling from a tree, and this beer here has apples in it. Have you tried it?"
Cathy became more interested, and he almost sighed in relief; behind him, he could feel Raj and Howard staring in awe. "I've had it, but it's never really done anything for me. Do you like it?"
Leonard's eyes widened, and he pushed the bottle away. "This? No, I'm just… I don't want to get too buzzed. You know?"
"Oh, yeah," Cathy assured, stepping a little closer. "If you drink too much, that's when you wake up to find your bra on the telephone wires."
He swallowed thickly. "Yeah. That's never fun."
Cathy's eyebrows rose in interest. "It's happened to you?"
Leonard froze before rapidly shaking his head. "No, no, no. I mean, that doesn't sound fun."
"It's not," she confirmed. "A dumb memento reminding you of your dumb mistake. But here I am again—in a bar."
"I'm glad you're here," he said quickly, feeling his smile stretch. "Suddenly, this night doesn't seem like a waste of time."
Cathy's answering smile almost stopped his heart. "Maybe not. You're a lot more than what you look, aren't you?"
"I'm a physicist," Leonard replied, not knowing what else to say. What was something smooth? He had never gotten this far before! "What about you? What do you do?"
Her smile faded. "I don't want to talk about that. It's definitely not as exciting as being a gravity-guy like Einstein."
Leonard nodded, realizing that her job was why she had come to the bar. His job—or lack thereof now—was why he had come, along with Penny's cruel rejection, but he couldn't tell her that at all. "Well, if people could go to work for free, no one would. That's why they have to pay you to go."
"Ain't that the truth?"
"The only one that matters right now."
Cathy's smile hesitantly returned. "That, and you being a gravity-guy."
"Physicist," he corrected kindly.
Howard suddenly appeared next to him, slinging an arm around him, and with his other hand, he pulled Raj forward. "We're physicists, too. All of us."
Feeling betrayed at his friend's intervention, Leonard tried to smile. "Well, Howard's actually an engineer. What he means is- "
"I work with my hands all the time," Howard interrupted, wiggling his eyebrows obnoxiously. "Today, I handled delicate bits that are part of a greater whole. Want to see?"
Leonard stared at him, horrified, too stunned to stop him.
Cathy smiled uncertainly, and Leonard could see that her interest had plummeted. "Um… That's not a good line."
Howard blinked. "Well, how about this one? With your help, I can finally figure out the spring constant of my mattress."
"Figure it out yourself," Cathy said, stepping away. "You and your ego should be enough weight or whatever."
"I think you mean me and my penis," Howard corrected with a gigantic grin.
Cathy's face twisted with disgust, and she swiftly glided away.
Leonard roughly pulled away from Howard and caught up to Cathy within a few steps. "Sorry about him. Do you want to go somewhere else without anyone else? I'd really like to keep talking to you."
Cathy shook her head. "I don't think so. You seem nice and all, but… that friend of yours- "
"Do you want him to apologize?" he asked desperately. "I'll make him apologize—I swear."
"You can tell who a guy is by his friends. If that's who you hang out with- "
"I can hang out with you," Leonard offered, trying to smile normally; his heart raced. "I want to hang out with you. I'd rather hang out with you than him."
Cathy eyed him in distrust before clearly looking past him to where Howard and Raj stood. "Then why are you hanging out with him to begin with?"
Leonard struggled before shrugging. "Because he's my friend. But I swear, when I get with you, I'll make changes."
Before she could respond, her nostrils suddenly flared in outrage, inspiring disgust to sweep across her beautiful face again. Within an odious moment, Leonard's eyes widened as he realized how she interpreted him, but he was too late as she abruptly turned around and vanished into the crowd. He stared after her, heartbroken, before he whirled to Howard and Raj, glaring.
"She ran off right when I was getting somewhere—because of you!"
Howard snorted. "Yeah, that's why."
Leonard sagged, anguish threatening to drown him. "I was so close."
Howard snickered. "So close to having a drink thrown in your face! Believe me, I know when a girl's about to reject you. She was gearing towards it."
"Because you cockblocked me!" he snapped, running his hand through his hair. "Why'd you have to ruin it?
"I'm sorry, Leonard," Raj said meekly. "I tried not to- "
"At least you didn't say anything. It was you," he muttered, glaring at Howard. "Just because you don't get any girls means that I want the same thing!"
Howard chuckled awkwardly. "Look, I was just trying to help you out- "
"I was doing fine! I was doing better than I ever had! Better than you ever have! Did you see her?"
"She was a masterpiece," Raj murmured in awe.
"I would have mastered that piece," Howard said with a grin.
For the first time in, perhaps ever, Leonard felt like punching him.
"Fuck you," he said instead, downing the rest of his beer. "I'm too angry to talk to you. And you're too drunk to not be a dick. I'm leaving."
"We need a ride," Raj reminded meekly.
Leonard closed his eyes briefly before sighing. "Come on. I'll drop you two off. But I don't want to hear anything but the radio during the drive."
"Killjoy," Howard mumbled, and somehow, Leonard heard him.
"Cockblocker," he muttered back.
Their journey through the crowd of bodies was painful and slow. Having had enough and too angry to think straight, Leonard, with a burst of strength, managed to shove his way through the crowd, but he tripped over someone's foot. Unbalanced, feeling time itself slow down, he stumbled into the back of an unprepared man.
Leonard watched in horror as the man's drink spilled all over the girl standing next to him.
"Fuck!" the man roared, and the bar quieted down. Leonard was frozen in place, staring up at the much taller, stronger, bigger, and better-looking man with wide eyes. "Look what you did, dumbass!"
"This is my favorite dress!" the girl snapped, glaring daggers at him. "Jimmy, I need to go to the bathroom! Do something terrible!"
Jimmy urgently ushered her to the bathroom, the crowd parting for her, staring at the scene in curiosity. Leonard remained where he was, Howard and Raj standing behind him, silent.
Suddenly, when the girlfriend or sister made it to the bathroom, Jimmy whirled on him, eyes furious and reviling.
Leonard flailed for control, feeling his fight-or-flight mode ignite, and there was certainly going to be a flight. He could feel all the eyes rooted on him, and it made it so much worse. In a panic, he turned to Raj and Howard. Raj quivered in place, mute. Howard swallowed thickly, blood drained from his face.
"Um… I have to go to the bathroom, too," Howard said shakily, trying to inch away. "There's a tail!"
Jimmy stomped towards them, and Leonard felt faint; his hands shook at his sides, or maybe it was his whole body. He couldn't tell which was which. "You're not going anywhere. Somebody's gonna need to carry this dumbass out of here. And it sure as shit ain't gonna be me."
Leonard swallowed. "Look, I'm sorry. We were just leaving- "
"Now you're leaving in a body bag," Jimmy finished. "I'm gonna fuck you up. That was my girl's favorite dress."
"It's just a dress," he called out desperately. "I'll- I'll buy her a new one. How much was it?"
"Why the fuck would I know?"
"You're her boyfriend!"
Jimmy's eyes narrowed. "You're already in the shitter. You're the one that did this."
Leonard desperately looked to the crowd for help, searching for a sign of Cathy, but no help nor recognition from anyone met his gaze.
"Fine," he said slowly, finding his nerve; he tried not to shake too much. "I'm sorry. I'll pay for your girlfriend's new dress. What's her name?"
"Miranda."
Leonard tried to smile, but he knew it was a grimace. "Yeah. See? I'll buy Miranda a new dress. Would that work?"
"I gotta send a message, dumbass. This was our anniversary. You fucked it up."
A wave of hopelessness threatened to drown him, but he barely held on. "I'm sorry. Happy Anniversary. How long?"
"Six months."
"Congratulations," he said in what he hoped was a sincere manner. "I'm sure you're happy even though… you don't look happy right now."
Jimmy glanced back towards the bathroom. "By the time she gets out, you're gonna need to be a stain on my fist, or it'll be me in the shitter."
Leonard hung his head in defeat, aware of the inevitable. "One punch?" he asked hopefully.
"Three punches."
Raj abruptly collapsed to the ground in a faint, and Leonard saw Howard barely manage to catch him.
Jimmy took a step forward, arching his neck in preparation. "Three punches—I punch you, my girl throws punch in your face when she gets back here, and then your fainting friends here punch it to get you to a hospital."
Leonard sagged in relief, feeling grateful. "Tha- "
The fist surging towards his face interrupted him.
XxXxXxXxXxX
Sheldon chewed Mama's delicious, famed spaghetti with hot dog slices, each bite measured and balanced; he spaced his bites to ensure optimal digestion, always keeping an even weight on his fork.
"So, how's your work goin'?" Mama asked, watching him over her own plate.
He frowned, confused. "I resigned—I told you already."
Mama hesitated, smile becoming tight. "I know you did, but aren't you working still? I've been looking for your whiteboard, but I can't find it."
"I have kept it in my suitcase."
"But why, Shelly? I've been patient with you, but you gotta answer questions. You love your work; you used to bring your little whiteboard with you to dinner when you were younger."
Sheldon blinked away the memories of Daddy pulling his miniature whiteboard out of his hands and setting it on the counter, with a stern warning that he could have it back if he finished his supper. "I do love my work, but I realized I failed to have things in their places. I stretched my work over other facets of my life, prohibiting the truth. I seek the truth."
Mama's eyes measured him with a strange light as she brought her piled-on fork and put it into her mouth. "Maybe you should come to church with me."
"I have no need to entertain myself with such simplicity," he dismissed. "I love complexity."
"But the truth is a simple thing."
Sheldon's eyes narrowed, indignant. "No, it is not; it is complex and riveting."
Mama took a small sip of her water; there was a peculiar smile on her face. "The truth is simple; the journey to findin' the truth is what's complex."
"Whatever verities you are trying to convey are futile," he warned, irritated. "I have no use for them. I look to the Universe."
"It's not about lookin' outside, Shelly," Mama replied. "It's about lookin' inside. It's about gettin' the inside right. That's what matters."
"There is nothing on my inside but organs."
Mama looked unimpressed. "You know what I mean."
Sheldon's jaw clenched as he purposefully took another bite of his meal. "Did you eat any of the brownies today?"
"I ate one. There's four left."
"Thank you," he whispered.
"You don't get all four tonight," she notified, adamant. "You gotta keep your teeth healthy—not that it does you any good 'cause you never smile. You need to start smilin' more, Shelly—show the world the beautiful smile that God gave you."
Sheldon shook his head. "I have been told that the sight of my smile withers a murderer's spirit."
"Whoever filled your head with such nonsense?" Mama demanded, voice rising, aghast.
"No one," he lied, twitching, trying not to think of the Betrayers. "There will not be reason for me to smile until I achieve my intellectual aims. When I have things in their places, I will smile."
"You ever gonna shave that beard off? Then the world could see your smile better."
Sheldon raised his shoulders in a shrug. "The literature precedent is set. A beard conveys wisdom for a hero on his journey to enlightenment and discovery."
Mama snorted. "Then you may as well keep that beard your whole life 'cause you ain't ever gonna stop bein' on a journey."
"Perhaps," he admitted. "I never considered myself like Gandalf, but Gandalf was the most intelligent and knowledgeable save for Sauron himself. He had a beard. The match fits."
"You still look like a heathen," she pointed out with a sigh. "Maybe you'll be like one of those heathens who converted."
"Improbable," he dismissed.
Mama smiled. "But not impossible."
Unable to deny it, Sheldon shoveled another bite into his mouth—the last of his meal. "Thank you for the meal, Mom. No one makes spaghetti and hot dog slices like you."
She reached across the table and patted his hand briefly. "Anything for my sweet boy. Go eat a brownie."
"I will take it to my room," he said, standing to his feet with his plate. "My bedtime nears, and I must prepare. Goodnight, Mom."
"Goodnight, Sheldon."
After depositing his plate in the sink, scrubbing it clean, and placing it into the dishwasher, he grabbed a brownie with a napkin and climbed the stairs to his room. It was close to his bedtime, which he hoped to meet for the first time since his arrival. After he ate his brownie and redressed in his pajamas, his phone buzzed, drawing his eyes, for he knew who it was—who it had to be.
How u doin?
Sheldon sighed at Penny's atrocious spelling but responded: Reasonable. I approach rest. Did you plan on calling me?
Within moments, his phone buzzed again: Nope rest that big brain of yours whackadoodle
It appears you need rest due to your appalling grammar and spelling.
U really do need sleep cuz ur all grumpy
"You" and "you're," Penny—it is "you" and "you're," not "u" and "ur." I thought a Shakespeare-lover would abide by grammar and spelling's dictates.
Thine accuracy is as swift and deadly as Cupids arrow but right into my mind instead of my heart! Dost thou agree?
I am not amused.
But do u look amused? Cuz thats what matters
I refuse to answer your absurdity.
I think ur (whoops YOU'RE) amused
I do not feel amused.
But I do which is what matters and u should feel amused cuz Im amused
There is no correlation between the two. Cease your nonsense.
U gonna reach through my phone and make me stop?
I will call your service provider to disconnect your service. I know your information and will claim you are switching to a different service—when you are not.
U wouldnt
I certainly would. Thus, you fall victim to one of my classic practical jokes, stranded without cellular reception. Think about all the more work you can accomplish without the frivolous distraction.
Then I wouldnt be able to talk to u!
Oh. That had not occurred to me. I must reconsider a new method by which to punish you for your gross negligence and audacious arrogance in refused to abide by Language's conventions.
U know u love me
You make me rethink my affections.
;)
Goodnight, Penny. I wish you pleasant REM cycles.
Goodnight Sheldon and right back atcha
Sheldon silenced his phone, washed out the brownie aftertaste with a glass of water, and slid into his bed, adjusting himself into his optimal resting position. He had been having extensive difficulty resting, for when he attempted it, his mind flooded with the accursed memories he wished to do away with, but putting things in their places meant putting the memories in their places. His problem lied in the fact that the memories refused to follow his mandates, afflicting him like rebellious tyrants. However, his steady rise in exhaustion over the many weeks ensured that there would reach a point where his mind would fall into REM almost instantly, for which he hoped. If he was not at the point, he would reach it shortly.
He closed his eyes and silenced his mind with soothing exercises he had mastered when he was a child. As the heaviness overcame him, awareness dwindled—and he fell into his own emptiness.
The sunlight streamed through the smeared window, casting a strange, almost murky color, jaded in its impact but primal in its presence. It was a familiar sight he had seen many times, but there was always something that drew his attention to it, watching as the glow intensified, brightened, and extended, sweeping over everything possible. Nothing could prevent the sun from stretching its rays, not even Daddy's dirty truck.
"Why did you pick such a distant spot?" Sheldon asked, peering at Daddy as he drove.
Daddy chuckled, sipping from his driving whiskey; it made him feel uncomfortable, not out of caution for his safety but rather Daddy's safety. His excessive alcohol consumption was dreadful. "A good drive loosens your head and lets your thoughts run. It's good for you. I like it. I bet you're gonna like it one day, too."
Sheldon frowned. "It's not efficient."
"Not everything in Life's about bein' efficient."
"But the Universe is efficient in all that it does. If the Universe wasn't efficient, we wouldn't be here; Life wouldn't be possible."
"But it's balanced, right?"
"Right."
"That's what Life's all about—bein' balanced. You can't be efficient—can't be perfect—all the time; you gotta take breaks."
Sheldon swallowed. "When will you take a break from the alcohol?"
Daddy glanced at him. "It's Sunday—God's day of rest. This is how I rest."
"But you drink on the other days of the week," he pointed out, voice rising in insistence. "If you continue at your rate, you will die before the average life expectancy of- "
"And that's my choice, Sheldon," Daddy interrupted, holding his gaze for a second before looking back at the road, voice not changing at all. "I know what I'm doing, and one day, I'm gonna die—I accept that. It's my choice. You can't control my choices. I feel sorry for a man who tries to control another's choices. You're not gonna be that kind of man, Sheldon—that's not how I raised you."
"But you could die- "
Daddy took another drink from his driving whiskey. "Nothing's gonna stop that. You can only put it off for a while. I don't live my life in fear of my death, and you shouldn't, either. That just makes you nothin' more than a slave. You can either go out in the world and actually live or stay stuck in a gold cage. I don't wanna gold cage; I wanna live my life, and this is how I choose to do it."
Sheldon hesitated before squaring his shoulders back. "I don't like it when you drink."
"Why?"
"Because it's a worrisome pattern. It weakens your tolerance and places an unhealthy amount of effort on your liver and heart. You could suffer from cirrhosis, and I haven't had enough time to research to discover a restorative cure."
Daddy laughed, braced his driving whiskey between his legs, kept one hand on the steering wheel, and reached over with his free hand to pat his shoulder; it felt nice and pleasant. "Let me tell you somethin'. You could be the greatest football coach to ever live, Sheldon; you could be President; you could be the world's chess champion; you could build a road to the moon; you could travel the world; you could make all the money possible; you could find the cure for any disease you can think of. You can do anythin' you set your mind to—I know you can. You got the intelligence, and you got the drive—I see it every day. But your fear holds you back. You fear what you can't control, and you know that you can't control anythin'—but you try to control everythin'. You spend hours of your day thinkin' about how you can control everythin', bendin' the world to your will—to your control. But you can't control life, Sheldon; you can only live it. And you can't control the people around you, either. I know you think you can, but I'm tellin' you now—you can't. You can only control yourself. I know you think these silly papers you wave around will make things better, but it's only a band-aid. It doesn't get to the roots of things, does it? And if you keep it up, there will be a day where you're gonna get screwed over because you relied on these papers, thinkin' the papers would prevent anythin' from happenin'—preventin' anythin' that you couldn't control. The world's complicated, and I know you love that it's complicated. But the people in it are even more complicated. The people in the world are actually what makes the world complicated, not the other way around. And because people are complicated, they make their own choices, and it's the same for me. I'm gonna die one day, whether that day's a year from now or thirty years from now, and there's no fightin' it."
Sheldon swallowed and bowed his head. "A year from now is more likely based on your excessive consumption."
"But at least I'm goin' out my own way," Daddy said, squeezing his shoulder before letting go—to grab his driving whiskey and take another long sip. "I know you don't understand it now—I don't expect you to understand it now. I think I'd be worried if you understood it now. But there are choices you gotta make in your life, and you have to live with those choices—and die with those choices, too. I've experienced a lot in my life, and the thing that saved me was drinkin'; it gave me a distraction, a safe place I could go to, somethin' that took my mind off my troubles—because I've had a lot of troubles. I made a choice that many men have before me—the same choice my own daddy made. I turn to the bottle, and I love the bottle. It sings to me, callin' my name like not even your mama can. I know it's not a wise decision or smart decision, but it is my decision, and no one can take that away from me—because it's what I needed. I know your mama thinks that it's been her prayin' that's gotten me through my days, and maybe it has, but what I know is that the weight of the bottle in my hand steadies me; it makes me walk straighter. I know I drink it like its water, but that holy water saved my life. Without it, I don't think I'd be here; I don't think I'd have met your mama and lived a life worth livin' and worth dyin' for. 'Cause I'd die for my life—I'm willin' to do that. I don't have much, but I have my name, I have my wife, I have my children, I have the bottle, I have the house, and I have this truck. And none of that's ever gonna change. I like what I have—I like what I am. I accept it. Now that don't mean I want the same for you. No, Sheldon, I want more for you; I want you to be better than me and not make my mistakes—because I know I make a lot of mistakes. I hope you're more like your mama in not hearin' that song, but it's too late for me. There comes a point in your life when you can't change anymore; you get stuck in your ways, what you think, and how you think. You gotta do all that changin' when you're young and have the energy to do the work that goes with it. This is my way, and you gotta learn what your way is. Your way can be like mine, but it ain't gonna be the exact same; it's gonna be unique to you. And you gotta fight for your way. Am I makin' sense?"
He failed to see the significance of much that was said, but he nodded dutifully. "Yes."
Daddy downed the last of his driving whiskey, satisfied. "Good. We're about here. I'll have to stop by someplace to refuel."
The driving whiskey, not the truck.
When Daddy reached the lake, which was two hours away from home, Sheldon helped him unpack their gear and slide the boat off the trailer, connected to the truck. Once the boat was in the water, Daddy lugged in a cooler filled with ice and placed it near his position by the motor. Sheldon packed the rest of the gear in the boat while Daddy locked the truck doors and set off in the boat, guiding it with precision and ease—something he had done many times before, but which Sheldon had never seen before.
It was the first time he had agreed to join Daddy fishing.
The sun glowered down at them with a searing intensity that was mitigated by the fresh, soothing breeze in the air as Daddy stopped the boat in the middle of the lake and killed the engine. "A good way to spend your spring break, huh?"
Sheldon nodded. "There is serenity here."
Daddy whistled, sweeping his arm out. "I know. Look at all this, Sheldon. This is Nature; this is my church, right here. Your mama, your meemaw, Gig, and Missy all go to church on Sundays, but this is where I come; this is where I see the world, see how it all works, and just bask in it. This is my Spot right here."
Sheldon followed Daddy's arm, observing Nature, holy and beautiful, the concentrated evidence of the Universe's miraculous balance, structure, and order. "It's a miracle," he agreed, feeling intimidated by the prodigious, primordial intelligence everywhere he looked. He wanted that type of balance, structure, and order in his own life, and he vowed to succeed in obtaining it. "I want to know how it all works. That is why I chose to study physics—it's the ultimate exploration of Life."
"You're never gonna get a better understandin' of it than sittin' right here," Daddy claimed, voice strong and persuasive. "You don't learn about Life sittin' in a lab or readin' a textbook; you don't learn about it by goin' to school. School teaches you only part of the question. You learn by watchin' and thinkin'. Most schools do a shit job teachin' you how to think."
He frowned. "My school is- "
"Is a good school," Daddy interrupted, watching him with a distant look in his eyes. "But don't ever think it's somethin' it ain't. It can only go so far; it can only do so much for you. It only gives you a fraction; it's a sturdy foundation, but it don't reach the sky. But you'll reach the sky one day, Sheldon—you'll go where no man's ever gone before. You'll discover something or create something that's a breakthrough."
"I will," he confirmed. "I will win the Nobel—it's my aim."
"You'll get there. You just gotta take your time."
Sheldon nodded but said nothing, fingers brushing over the side of the boat; he leaned to the side and peered at the surprisingly clear water. He had anticipated that it would be murky, and while it was not pristine, it was clearer than he thought. He hesitantly reached down and dipped his fingers into the lake before wincing and yanking back. It was colder than he presumed—and there was still many bacteria inside.
"I missed you while you been gone at college," Daddy said, taking a long swig from his beer bottle. "It ain't been the same without you."
Sheldon remembered the isolation he experienced at college, too young and intelligent for everyone else; he was closest with his professors, but it was different. "I've missed you, too."
"I'm real happy you decided to come with me today. I didn't actually think you would. I know you only got a few days left before you have to fly back to Germany, but it's good to have it just you and me right now. It means a lot that you're spendin' some time with me."
He avoided Daddy's searching gaze and stared at the shimmering lake around them. "I was curious."
"Never stop bein' curious," Daddy advised with a laugh as he began prepping his fishing hook with bait, piercing a worm over the hook. "The only way you learn anythin' is by bein' curious; you don't get anythin' done otherwise."
"Curiosity is the precursor to discovery," he agreed.
"But make sure to be curious about everythin'."
"Physics encompasses all subjects since it involves the study of the Universe."
Daddy paused after he jammed a worm through Sheldon's fishing hook; he stared at him for several moments. "No, it don't, Sheldon."
Sheldon's eyes narrowed. "Yes, it does. My professors said so, and they are correct—I have thought about it extensively."
A snort echoed. "You'll never meet someone dumber than a professor—remember that, Sheldon. Your professor may understand physics, but he don't understand anythin' else. He's useless otherwise, not worth listenin' to. Your professor can't tell you why you love; he can't tell you why you laugh; he can't tell you why you smile; he can't tell you why you actually want to study physics; he can't tell you anythin' about you; he can't tell you why you live your life; he can't tell you why you like Superman; he can't tell you why you like comic books; he can't tell you why you just happened to be born a genius in this family; he can't tell you why my blood and your mama's blood lined up just right to make you; he can't tell you what makin' friends is all about; and he can't tell you how to live your life. He can only tell you effects, not causes; he can only tell you the 'how,' not the 'why.' He can only rattle off theory after theory—that's it. He ain't ever gonna tell you anythin' worth dyin' for. If you won't die for somethin', it ain't worth it."
Sheldon blinked hard. "My professors are knowledgeable- "
"But they don't have any sense. Be careful not to become like 'em. You can't go through Life without sense. Life is hard, Sheldon; you need sense to make sense of it."
"I wish it were easy."
Daddy laughed. "I know. Me too. But it ain't worth livin' if it's easy."
"That doesn't make sense."
"You'll understand when you're older."
"I am more mature than most- "
Daddy ruffled his hair, and Sheldon swatted his thick, heavy hand away. "You're knowledgeable, sure, but what about all that wisdom? You ain't got a lick of wisdom to you. That only comes with time and age. You can't learn about wisdom from a textbook, and you sure-as-shit ain't gonna learn wisdom from a professor." Daddy took a swig of his beer and grabbed his fishing pole and extended it over the boat, casting the line into the lake. "But you know what you'll learn from me?"
"What?"
"How to fish. Now do as I've showed you—do what I just did. Don't get your line tangled in mine."
Sheldon mimicked Daddy's action and cast his own line into the water, separated from Daddy's by approximately thirty feet. "We simply wait?"
"That's right. We'll get some nibbles sooner or later."
The breeze whined over the lake's surface, producing faint ripples that rocked the boat gently but consistently; it was a kind rhythm that his mind and body adjusted to, finding solace in it. Based on Daddy's relaxed, eased posture, he felt similarly. A steady but soothing silence—a natural silence—befell them, even as the sun burned with its intensity. It was something tranquil and riveting, the very peace he yearned for in his own life, a result of Nature's miraculous balance, structure, and order.
He had to keep trying harder to obtain it.
"Oh, I got somethin'," Daddy said suddenly, reel whirling with an eerie hiss, line stretching swiftly as a fish tried to swim away from the trap. "Gotta reel this baby in!"
Sheldon watched as Daddy cranked the handle with a riveting ease—the result of much practice and experience—and stretch back for better leverage. It was a battle between man and fish—and man won. Daddy chuckled as he lifted his caught fish out of the water and into the air, where it jerked and writhed in panicked agony, separated from its primal dwelling.
Daddy extended the terrified fish with a laugh, waving it at him. "You wanna kiss it, Sheldon? Could be the kiss of Life it's lookin' for!"
He cringed in horror. "No! There are copious amounts of bacteria coating it!"
"Can't be any worse than what I drink," Daddy said and, without hesitation, pulled the fish to his face and kissed it. Then he adjusted his hold on the fish, stilling its writhing with force, pried open the fish's mouth, and pulled the hook loose—all before he released the fish into the water, where it darted away in a blur. "You have no idea what I'd give to have that kind of speed."
Sheldon watched as Daddy dipped his hand into the lake to 'clean' it before finishing his beer bottle, clearly washing away the taste of raw, slimy fish. "Why?"
Daddy gestured to his notable weight. "So I could burn off all this fat! I'd go back to lookin' like the man your mama married."
He switched his fishing pole to his other hand, requiring a break in exertion from gripping so long. "A much more favorable method would be to excise your alcohol intake."
"That ain't happenin'," Daddy chortled, opening another beer bottle with a snap of his powerful wrist. "There are worse problems a man could have than drinkin'. Not many, no, but there are worse. I'd say bein' a cannibal is right up there."
Sheldon's face twisted. "Not as bad as kissing a raw, slimy fish."
Daddy's laughter pierced the air. "Atta boy! Never be afraid to joke around."
"I'm serious."
"Which is the joke! That's how you do it." Daddy took a swig of his beer. "See? You can be a master of whatever you put your mind to. It's nice that you've chosen physics, but don't forget that there's a lot more out there."
"Physics is the study of the Universe," he recited, refusing to budge. "Thus, it incorporates all there is; it's the only important, essential subject."
Daddy tipped his beer bottle back into his mouth for several seconds, downing a significant portion of the beer before he gasped as he pulled it away, wiping his mouth with his arm. "How can it be the only good one? There are plenty of subjects just like it—all made by men."
Sheldon felt outrage. "Physics is the premier field in which all discovery is possible. Physicists look to the Universe!"
"But who made physics? Who came up with it as a field or subject or whatever?"
"Scientists."
"Exactly, men just like any other," Daddy pointed out with a knowing look in his eyes. "And who came up with every other subject? Men, too. It means that physics is at the same level as all the other subjects—or all the other subjects are at the same level as physics—because all the subjects came from the same source. It's all balanced. Because of it, you can't overlook the other subjects or fields. Each has its uses."
Sheldon felt a trembling horror when he failed to deduce a rational refutation to Daddy's absurdity. "That's ridiculous."
Daddy stretched his left arm strangely, fingers wiggling, almost grasping for something, with a look of discomfort on his face before he sighed. "You'll see it when you're older. It's where wisdom comes in."
He looked away, focusing on his fishing pole, tracing the structure and device mechanism before following the extension of his line into the water, far away. It was almost like a reverse linear function in its depiction—fascinating. However, the line only swayed lightly in the wind, not tugged by eager, curious fish beneath the lake's surface. He stared at it, trying to manifest a fish to appear and snag the bait, but nothing happened; his bait remained untouched. He watched it for a long time until he heard Daddy rummage through the cooler, provoking him to turn to watch him.
"Have a beer with me, Sheldon," Daddy encouraged, pulling out a beer bottle from the cooler and offering it to him. "Here. Just don't tell your mama."
"I'm not old enough- "
Daddy laughed, face red with sweat as he cracked open Sheldon's offered beer. "You're more of man than most men I know. You deserve this. I'm damned proud of you. You're smarter than anyone I've ever known; you're gonna accomplish big things; you're gonna change the way things are done; and you're always gonna be my son, the best thing I ever made. No matter what you do in your life, you're still always gonna be Sheldon Cooper, George Cooper's son, and I'm damned happy about it—because you're mine, and I'm always gonna be proud to call you mine. I love Gig and Missy, you know I do, but those two are like your mama and me. But you? You're somethin' more, Sheldon—you're greater; you're special. You're gonna be better than me in every way and not make my stupid mistakes. Now share a beer with me as I toast my son to kickin' ass."
Sheldon grasped the cool beer bottle with hesitant fingers and clinked it against Daddy's bottle. While Daddy held no restraint in tipping his bottle back against his lips, he was reserved and brought the circular mouthpiece to his lips and tipped the bottle slightly for a tentative taste. It was a powerful taste that made him cringe and shudder as he swallowed.
He blinked rapidly. "That's horrid!"
Daddy smiled and took his bottle from him and drank from it. "More for me then."
"I'm never going to drink in my life."
"Probably for the best."
Sheldon nodded in agreement. "It would behoove me to maintain my working logic rather than compromise it with alcohol's influence."
"Always be open to new things. You may come to like it when you're older." Daddy burped and tossed his empty beer bottle in the cooler. "I should probably slow down. If I don't, I'll drink the whole lake."
"Then you would have more raw, slimy fish to kiss."
"You ain't gonna tell your mama about that, right?"
"Why?"
"'Cause when I get home and kiss her, I don't need you throwin' a fit about it."
Sheldon's eyes widened in horror. "You would kiss Mama with fish on your mouth?"
Daddy snorted. "Wouldn't be the worst thing she's kissed. Before she met me, she used to go out with Johnny Dean—biggest asshole this side of the Mississippi. After him, she shouldn't have a problem with fish on my mouth. And it's not like I haven't washed the fish down; it ain't stickin' to me like clothes or somethin'."
"Germs are present everywhere," Sheldon argued. "Every moment in your life is an encounter with parasitical bacteria that could kill you. You absorbed the fish's bacteria and could pass it to Mama."
"Why don't I pass it to you so you can pass it to that dumbass professor of yours?" Daddy asked with a slight grin. "Believe me, I can survive a little fish bacteria, but I bet that professor couldn't."
Sheldon was unimpressed. "You never met him."
Daddy stretched his left arm again and grasped it for several moments, face flickering with a grimace. "I know his type. You gotta promise me that you won't turn out like him."
"Why?"
"Just promise me."
"I promise."
"Promise me you're gonna look at the whole puzzle instead of just one piece."
"I promise."
"Good. That's somethin' I've had a lot of trouble with before. I don't want you makin' my mistakes. You be you, alright?"
"I prom- "
Suddenly, Daddy gasped in a startled croak and clutched his chest, eyes bright, body starting to falter-
Sheldon screamed himself awake, bolting upright, chest heaving, breaths gasping, eyes misting, and heart racing. He scrambled out of his bed's covers and dressed himself with erratic coordination, blinking away the mists that threatened to return with powerful, vivid images—and the same feelings that had accompanied them! He stumbled out of his room, dimly aware that he should do his best not to awaken Mama, but it was secondary to the burning sensation ravishing his body and mind.
He had to get away!
He ripped open the front door and staggered outside, feeling the fresh, cool breeze on his face—exactly like that day at the lake!
"Stop it!" he hissed, wishing he had a distraction. Where was his phone? Why had he left it in his room? He could call Penny or Missy or even Gig! But he refused to go back inside, where he felt suffocated under the reminders—all the memories that debilitated his control!
He needed to find something to focus on that was familiar to him and easy to handle—something that made him feel settled rather than lost.
When would the horrifying emptiness end?
Sheldon stalked into the garage and continued his restorative work to Daddy's truck, seeing no other adequate option.
XxXxXxXxXxX
That's it. I hope that you all enjoyed it.
Stay Safe
ButtonPusher
