A/N: More trouble in paradise, y'all. Adam just does not, cannot, cope well with not being the best; and his fixation is beginning to tug at the seams of his and Lacey's relationship. How in the world is she supposed to keep him grounded?
Good news, however, is that this chapter includes the Ducks! I've been trying to refer to them at least once a chapter as I know this has turned more into a story about Lacey and Adam than about the origin of it all. But believe me, they're still there.
Sooo, discussion question for after this chapter! Is Lacey thinking too hard about all this? Is she not giving Adam a fair shake, overreacting about his determination? Or can you, too, see the brick wall he's headed straight for?
This chapter doesn't contain the usual amount of action as it does Lacey's introspection. But it's necessary to set the stage for later happenings.
/*/*/
"Iris" – Natalie Taylor
(Doesn't relate to this chapter necessarily, but on their playlist)
Spring semester went quickly, tumbling headlong into the summer of 2000.
Lacey was thrilled yet terrified at once of starting fall classes at University of Minnesota, which she'd been planning to do for two years. Now here it was, staring her in the face, but she felt she'd done a pretty good job of bearing up under the stress. Her hair pulling, after a Spring Break of seeing Adam return to health again, tapered off.
"You know, you've changed," her mom remarked to her one warm June day as the family sat outside waiting for Davy to finish barbecuing a chicken. Davy had, in addition to acquiring the skill of refurbishing furniture, learned how to use a grill by some unknown means. And he was darn good at it.
"Lad, watch ye dunna burn th' corn cobs–"
"Dad, I know what I'm doing. Trust me here," Davy patiently called back to Stuart who sat in a lawn chair facing the grill, supervising the effort. Sundae, ever the spoiled cat, lay calmly in the grass wearing her harness which was tied to Stuart's chair. His ears stuck out like antennas from his head, twitching at every little sound coming from the road, the yard, and the other houses. June in Minnesota was a fine time to be outside. There were only a precious few months like this out of the year, and they were certainly to be seized upon and enjoyed.
Lacey turned to her mom where they both sat alone at the picnic table, the twins at a birthday party. "You think so?"
"I know so," her mom raised an eyebrow. "Time was, you'd be a basketcase over this college thing. But nowadays you take things all in your stride. It's pretty cool to see."
Lacey smiled. She knew her mom loved all of them dearly, even Davy, who wasn't her own child. But it was difficult for her to give compliments, and Lacey appreciated the times her mother was able to. "I guess I do deal a little better," she replied. "But Mom, gee. I learned a lot from you. You always keep your head on in hard times, and you taught me to keep moving no matter what."
The corners of her mother's eyes crinkled before she changed the subject. "Where's Adam tonight?"
"At the lake house with the Ducks," Lacey answered, feeling a tendril of yearning snake around her heart. The lake house would never be anything but special to her because of the significant events that had happened there. But she and Adam decided she would hang back this time as a lot of his former team members were freshly single from the constant string of breakups that tend to happen during college years. Thus she might be one of the only significant others there at the Banks's vacation home, and that could sting some people. So, knowing she and Adam had planned tons of things to do together that summer on their own, Lacey purposed not to turn into one of "those" girlfriends who can't seem to peel herself away from her boyfriend's company. She turned her attention instead to working on fundraisers for Cat's Cradle, preparing herself for fall term when she would officially be halfway to her degree, and being present for family and friends.
One of those being Kristy. No sooner had Lacey answered her mom's question than she saw her friend appear around the corner of the house.
Kristy still wasn't always fashion-conscious, and even now wore a pair of Keds which had fallen out of style in the last decade, but did at least sport a pair of trendy capris pants. Her brief stint with makeup during senior year had slowly faded away, and now she was back to being fresh-faced and au natural. Her short, curly blonde hair was held back in a plain ponytail with a scrunchie.
And, Lacey discovered, she couldn't care less. Her old days as a high school diva still made her conscious of what was fashionable and what wasn't, but she didn't have to pull all the trends off the shelf anymore. And neither did her friends. To her, Kristy was growing prettier by the year.
"Hey!" Lacey called out. "Come eat with us! Davy's grilling!"
Kristy smiled politely at Lacey's mom, coming to join them at the picnic table. "Hi. I hope it's okay that I just came over." Her friend apologized for intruding every single time she showed up unannounced, even though it had long ago been dismissed.
"Sure," Mom shrugged as she stood up. "You're always welcome. You two can talk while I go grab drinks."
The action was fortuitous as Kristy looked like talking was exactly what she wanted to do. And Lacey figured she knew what about.
"You heard," were the first words that dropped from Lacey's mouth, regarding the news Adam had told her: the one Ducks team member who was getting together instead of breaking up was Averman, of all people. A year and a half after his and Kristy's separation, he had begun to date the daughter of his parents' best friends. What this girl could possibly have on Kristy, Lacey wasn't sure.
Her friend shook her head, staring down at the picnic table. "Why is it always so easy for the boys to move on first?"
Lacey cradled her chin in her hands as she let Kristy talk, knowing that was a rhetorical question. And frankly, she didn't know the answer anyway. She, likewise, had observed that after a breakup, guys seemed to breeze right through the period of mourning and oftentimes head straight into another relationship. She wouldn't have said Averman had done it quickly, but he had, eventually, moved on after his and Kristy's breakup. And Kristy hadn't. Which always felt odd to her, as Kristy had so very much to offer, and Averman… was Averman. What exactly appealed to other girls about him, or even to Kristy for that matter, was lost on her. But she tried to understand, for her friends' sake.
"I had just been so sure we would find our way back to one another, Lacey," Kristy reached up to brush an escaped tear, casting glances every so often to Stuart's and Davy's backs, hoping they weren't privy to the conversation. "I just knew he was The One. Kind of like Adam is for you."
Lacey thought about what to say for a moment. "It can be tricky to figure out, for sure. But Kristy, I just wonder if…" she tread carefully, trying to think of how to word this in a way that wouldn't be insensitive. "Do you think it's been enough time that maybe you could let Les go so you can make room for something else? And I mean, maybe not The One, even. But just somebody you want to hang out with who's fun and nice. I think if you follow that path, then you will arrive at The One someday. But, as my mom always tells me, we shouldn't be in a hurry."
But of course, Lacey felt like the most unqualified person in the world to speak into Kristy's situation. Love had come to Lacey at a young age. She was wearing a commitment ring, and she did have someone to call at the end of a long day. Not that that was without its own hassles, she wanted to say. It seemed there was no end to the people that challenged her, as a snide college professor had when Lacey had revealed upon the inquiry about the new ring she wore, "Trust me, Miss Primmer, you are far too young to know who the love of your life is. He might come around someday, but not this soon. What you're looking at right now is a case of puppy love."
Then there had been Phil's brother, a drunken goon who had spent a painful evening at the Banks's dinner table spewing bitter sentiments about life.
"And the whole thing about love? Forget it," he shrugged, reaching for the wine bottle again, which Yvette had tried to place discreetly out of his grasp. "Love is chemicals. Science tells us so. We send off this sort of hormonal mating call to other humans, and sometimes, you've just got a hit. There's no 'soul mates,' there's no…" he set the bottle down with a clunk and used air quotes…"'meant to be' horse shit. It's just basically a matter of 'Hey, Sweet Cheeks, do you wanna f–'"
"Hey Eddie, let's go take a walk around the block. It's nice out," Phil pushed back from the table just as Lacey had begun to feel so personally attacked she took Adam's hand underneath the table. He had squeezed it, peering over and shaking his head, a small dismissive smile on his lips.
"Oh God, why did I have Eddie over this soon after the divorce?" Yvette groaned the minute Phil and his brother were out the door, pouring a generous glass of wine for herself.
So Lacey knew about the naysayers, but she still believed in true love. And if Kristy hadn't found it yet, she was confident she would, even if she had to wait as long as Aunt Rachel had.
Kristy wiped her face again, nodding. "I know. I know I need to let him go, but Lacey, it's just so hard. And I do want to find that special person someday. That's why you and Adam inspire me so much," she smiled tearfully. "There's somebody for all of us. Somebody nothing in the whole world will be able to tear us away from."
Lacey wasn't sure why, but she suddenly felt a shadow leap across her heart. Was that really true? Could a person ever actually be so bound to another person that nothing at all would get in the way? Sometimes there were problems. And if you couldn't make it through them, what did that mean? That destiny had torn you apart? Or did it all just come down to choice?
Snapping herself out of the thoughts that suddenly made her heart start to pound as she pictured Adam's big blue eyes in her mind, Lacey turned her attention back to Kristy. "That's…probably true. But right now, let's work on one problem at a time. Getting you over Les."
Kristy smiled. "Thanks, Lacey. You always say what I need to hear, whether I like it or not."
"Well, I'm counting on you to do the same thing for me." Lacey reached across and patted Kristy's hand just as her mom came back outside with lemonade. It was the Kool-Aid version, but as Lacey had grown up with it, she was able to mostly shrug off the actual homemade kind Yvette always whipped up. Her mom had expanded her horizons by baking Adam's mom's recipes, and seemed to actually enjoy it…but her extra time in the kitchen ended there. Once Stuart had gotten used to his artificial limb, he got right back to cooking.
Barbecues, best friends, pancake breakfasts, raffles, and Kitten Playdates painted Lacey's summer days. She felt perfectly happy. And this was only aside from Adam. The two of them, since he'd ditched practicing quite as much during the off season, went on quite a few day trips, relishing all the time together. He had taken her to Lydale Park Rose Garden one afternoon, smiling as she wandered through the maze that wound through rows and rows of her favorite flower. Lacey knew how cliche it was for her to love roses so much, but she didn't care. The colors and the shape the petals blossomed into felt passionate and sultry to her.
They also piled pillows on her roof and watched the old movies the nearby park featured, once they realized they could be viewed from up there. She watched An Affair to Remember, Breakfast at Tiffany's, and one of Adam's favorites, Rear Window. Just as she was becoming well-versed in the classics, the park switched it up and showed Beetlejuice, which was every bit as dumb as it had been the first time she'd seen it. Adam actually fell asleep.
For the Renaissance Fair they attended, she enjoyed embarrassing him by sporting a corset top and a long white dress. Adam, dressed casually in jeans and a court green polo shirt, stood a little apart from her as they browsed the displays and watched the endless shows and skits, most of which were cheesy. But it was still a fun day. Lacey's absolute favorite adventure, however, was touring the Wabash Street Caves, where they got to do some exploring, hear stories about the 1900's gangsters that used them as their lair, and eat dinner at the restaurant there.
It was a delightful whirlwind of fascination, fun and romance. Things couldn't have been more perfect.
Until the bottom dropped out.
"He what?" Lacey shook her head, questioning Yvette as she had come to check on Adam in late July after nearly a week of not hearing from him. His mom had informed her, worry tainting her voice, that he had been picked over by yet another NHL team, this time the Buffalo Sabres.
"He checked an email from his coach and read that another guy on the team was drafted and not him. He hasn't eaten in two days," Yvette went on, her tone changing to one of annoyance as she stood with Lacey in the front hall. "It's ridiculous. Maybe try to talk to him?"
Yvette was assuming Lacey held more sway than she actually did over Adam's mood. But she went up to the guest apartment Adam still stayed in on breaks from school. The blinds were drawn, and Adam, as Yvette had warned, was in bed. Lacey knew just how devastated he was about a second round of not being picked for a big team. But he couldn't just quit life like this.
"Hey," she whispered, coming over to the bed and shaking him gently.
After a few seconds, he lifted his head, turning it to regard Lacey, then let it drop once again onto the pillow. "Hey."
"I'm so sorry. Adam, I know you were counting on this being your year," she began.
"I knew my game would suffer when I slowed down on training," he murmured. "I should have worked harder. Maybe not as hard as I did right before I went to the hospital, but harder than how I ended the season."
She rubbed his shoulder, trying to push down the defensiveness that was rising in her chest. They had come up with better rules for him to follow that would ensure his health would stay intact. He surely didn't regret that.
"I know you're upset," she tried again. "But you were still an underclassman. Just a sophomore. Next year might be the year, you don't know! Either way, though, you need to eat. And you need to get out of this bed. You know how your RA gets after you've been lying down for too long.
"R-f**king-A." Adam rolled over, uttering an expletive Lacey had never once heard him use. "I'm over it."
He was angry. That much was clear.
"Adam, come on," Lacey felt impatient suddenly. "You play an incredible game. The scouts will see that, probably next year. Or maybe the next, but the point is, don't give up. And don't get hung up on these rejections."
"Sorry, Lacey, but that's easy for you to say," came his retort.
"Let me bring you food," she changed the subject. "Want some Subway?"
"I don't want anything."
"Well, you're getting something anyway," Lacey challenged. "And then we're going to get up and go outside. It's beautiful." She went over and opened his blinds.
"I love you," he murmured from his bed when she crossed the room. "But I just want to be in here. Alone."
"Nope. Not happening."
Lacey caught his frustrated sigh.
"Subway. Then outside."
She left the room before he could protest again. Taking deep breaths to cool her own anger, she skipped down the steps. Yvette was waiting for her when she descended.
"Is he up?"
"No," Lacey clucked her tongue. "But he will be. I'm going for Subway, then we're taking a walk. He knows it's a non-negotiable."
"That's why you're good for him," Yvette gave a half-smile. "I knew you wouldn't let him just lay there feeling sorry for himself."
"Well, I'm trying not to," Lacey picked up her purse from the table in the front hall she'd set it down on.
Half an hour later, she reentered Adam's room carrying a cold cut trio. He, of course, still lay in his bed facing the wall. "Okay. Got you food, so let's sit up and eat it."
This really shouldn't be so hard.
He lay still a moment longer before speaking again. "Lacey, I'm not eating right now. I'm not hungry. And I'm not going outside. I just need people to give me time, okay?"
Lacey's spine stiffened. "You've had time. Nearly a week."
"It's not enough for me," Adam raised his voice slightly. "Come on. Just…I need you and Mom to leave me alone for awhile."
She bit her lip for a moment before speaking again. "You're being a baby."
The air changed tangibly after she uttered those words.
Adam rolled over and stared at her in disbelief. "Are you serious right now?"
"Yes, I am. You always pick yourself up by your bootstraps. But when it comes to hockey, you just…you just turn into somebody else. Why can't you see that?"
Adam's eyes flashed. "I've never acted this way toward you, have I? When you start pulling, when you have a panic attack? So why don't you cut me a break?"
Before Lacey could say anything else–and lots of words began boiling in her brain, none of which she chose to say aloud–she tossed the sub on his desk. "Okay then. Do what you want."
She turned and left his room, closing the door firmly. She made her way down the stairs again slowly, glad Yvette wasn't around this time. Clenching and unclenching her fists, she headed out the front door and to her car. If Adam wanted time, he was going to have it.
/*/*/
It took just two days for Adam to call her.
"I'm sorry," were the first words out of his mouth when she took the phone from Halen.
"Adam, I don't know if I'm ready to hear it." Lacey had spent the past two days seething far more than she expected she would. "What the hell?"
"I just…when I'm rejected for a team, it takes a lot out of me, and I couldn't think straight. But you're right. I'm in an RA flair now thanks to lying in bed. I need to move. Do you want to go for a walk around my neighborhood? Or yours. Or…or just whatever," Adam tacked on, uncertainly.
No, was the first word that rose to her mind, which shocked her. Why was she so reluctant to forgive him for this? But Lacey took a deep breath. "I'll be over in half an hour." She knew she needed to push past her frustration the same way she'd told Adam he needed to push past his.
A little while later, she held his hand as they strolled slowly down his street. Being with him now felt like it normally did–so comfortable and safe. What had happened in his bedroom that day? Were they really capable of having such negative feelings toward one another?
"Is this helping your joints?" she asked after a few minutes of walking in companionable silence.
He nodded. "I think so. I mean, it hurts, but I think it's going to help in the long run. Hey Lacey," he addressed her suddenly, stopping to look at her.
"Yeah?" She halted as well.
"I hate that I'm not as strong as you are." His face was colored slightly, perhaps from embarrassment. "I know I need to just push past stuff like this. I'm going to work on it, okay?"
Lacey gave a short laugh. "Adam, I'm not strong. I mean you pretty much said so yourself. I have panic attacks and I do pull. Those don't exactly make for a tough woman."
He slipped his hands around her waist and pulled her closer. "That's why you're strong. You deal with it and don't let it keep you down for long. And that inspires me. You inspire me."
She studied his face, his round, intense blue eyes and sharp eyebrows. "Thank you," she finally replied, wrapping her arms round his shoulders. "You don't know what it means to me that somebody thinks I'm strong. And hey, you are too. The rejections just pull you down."
Adam nodded, then kissed her forehead before releasing her and glancing around self-consciously. As affectionate as they were in private, he was never very fond of PDA.
After that, he didn't mention the Buffalo Sabres again. But Lacey wondered how often he thought of it, as he remained somewhat preoccupied for the last few weeks of summer.
For his twenty-first birthday, a big deal for the Bankses, the family–including Travis and, again, Candace, which spoke well for the relationship–held a cocktail party with family and friends, including many of Adam's former Ducks team members who were still home. Lacey was happy to have the chance to see them, and felt warmed to the core when even Jesse came over and gave her a hug.
"How you doin', Girl?"
"I'm good, Jesse! Glad you could come back for a little while," Lacey beamed, holding the special cocktail Yvette and Phil had had a bartender concoct and serve.
"Yeah, me too. They got me stationed over at Fort McCoy, so it didn't take too long to get here. Wouldn't have missed Cake-Eater turning legal."
Connie and Guy likewise came, holding hands, as much in love now as they had been in high school, which made Lacey smile. It was good to see another couple was making it through college with their relationship still intact.
"Things are getting better I think," Lacey informed Connie in a low voice when they found time to slip into a corner, nursing their drinks.
"Thank God for that," Connie let out a relieved breath. "I know it was rough for awhile. Let's hope he keeps his head this next hockey season."
Suddenly, Lacey felt a wave of nausea. Hockey season, or at least practice and scrimmages, was coming around quicker than she'd anticipated. And she wasn't sure she was ready for what it would do to Adam.
"Are you okay?" Connie reached out and took Lacey's arm. "You looked like you were about to swoon or something."
"Oh." Lacey shook her head quickly. "Oh no, I was just…sorry, too many drinks I think."
Averman arrived late with his girlfriend, a predictably backward girl who was nice enough, but had nothing on Kristy. Lacey didn't get it, but she knew she was very biased. Goldberg had ridden with them, cheerful as always and easily garnering a small crowd with his endless supply of wisecracks and a few tasteful locker room stories about Adam that her boyfriend laughed along with good-naturedly.
Fulton's presence was quiet and strong, as it always was. The guy never did much talking, but when he did, everyone seemed to stop and listen. Fulton was humble, but still commanded attention somehow.
Charlie had been unable to come due to beginning an internship at school, and Lacey sorely missed Julie, as well as Portman and the others from out of state. Adam did receive brief consecutive calls, however, from both of them plus Russ and Mendoza, Wu and Dwayne. It seemed they had all conspired to phone him and make their presence known, even if from a distance. Adam was happy to talk to each of them, laughing a lot and chatting happily as the party continued on around him.
Lacey enjoyed herself immensely, trying to shove down the impending sense of doom she'd experienced earlier while talking to Connie. She was mostly successful, making her way around to speak to those she knew, being introduced by Yvette or Adam to those she didn't. Candace looked beautiful in a simple but bohemian green dress, and explained a little about edible flowers.
At last Grandpa Greg made an appearance, and Lacey smiled as she watched Adam's face light up, walking away from the small group of people he was talking with to go openly embrace his grandfather. The party hadn't resumed for long before the old man made his way to her, opening his arms for a hug.
"Lacey! How are you, Dear?," he inquired jovially.
"I'm good, Grandpa Greg. Hope you are." She allowed him to wrap her into his big embrace, always feeling like a little girl around the man, but in the best way possible.
At close to one o'clock, Adam and Lacey, still tipsy, made their way up to his room and fell asleep the very second they hit the sheets. They didn't wake up until nearly noon, tangled up in one another, foreheads touching. Lacey awoke first, studying his face, so close to hers, taking a picture in her mind of each and every feature for the long absence ahead. His eyelashes began to flutter and as he opened his eyes, Lacey whispered, "Welcome to twenty-one."
He smiled at her sleepily.
Just after the twins' own fifteenth birthday, which was an event in and of itself, filled with guys–Adam, Davy, and each girl's boyfriend, which felt so odd to Lacey–the summer came to a close, which meant Adam would soon be heading back to NYC and Lacey would begin her classes at UM.
"Switching from community college to UM might be a little tough," Adam cautioned her at the airport as he was about to leave. "But so are you. And just think: we're both halfway finished."
"I know," she smiled, weepy as always when this time came around. "I'll see you online?"
"See you online," he whispered before the final kiss.
"Stay safe," she murmured as she watched him walk away, disappearing at last into the terminal.
When Lacey got home, she looked into the mirror to see how much hair she had lost in the last week or so in anticipating Adam's return to college, and to the ice. It was pretty substantial.
"What are you so worried about?" her mom had asked her at dinner the night before. "Say he burns himself out again. Someday he'll learn, won't he?"
But it wasn't as simple as that. It was nothing Lacey could explain to anyone, though she could try Dr. Hemby. She kept having nightmares about Adam, horrible dreams that felt so realistic. He collapsed into a heap during a game. He crashed into the boards and began bleeding profusely for no reason. Thin ice opened up underneath his skates, swallowing him.
"I do think you're worried about Adam's health because you care about him," Dr. Hemby responded to Lacey's account of the dreams in her usual, diplomatic voice as they sat on the floor facing one another with crossed legs. "But I also think you're worried about the health of your relationship."
"My relationship?" Lacey's brow furrowed.
"Yes. The hockey topic keeps causing fights between you two, isn't that right?"
Lacey paused. "Well, yeah, but we always make up."
"But one day, Lacey," Dr. Hemby pressed, "it's possible that Adam could pick hockey over you when given an ultimatum."
"I'm not giving him an ultimatum," Lacey replied defensively. "I told him I'd support him through this."
"But are you still feeling safe emotionally?" Dr. Hemby was undaunted. "You have chunks of hair missing, and I can sense anxiety as I usually can when hockey season is around the corner. I just think it would be wise to ask yourself, what will you do if Adam does make the NHL? The stakes will be higher. He'll be pushing himself harder. Are you going to be able to hold onto your mental health for that? I'm only giving you things to think about here."
"Of course I will," Lacey felt tears suddenly spill down her cheeks and wasn't sure why. "I'll be there, I'll never leave him. Dr. Hemby, don't you get it? I love him."
"There's no doubt about your devotion to him." Her therapist tilted her head. "But do you think love alone can make everything better, Lacey?"
"It should." She swiped angrily at her face with her sleeve. "Because if not, what is it good for? Does it…does it have limits? Should it?"
"And that," Dr. Hemby regarded her with compassionate eyes, "is the end of our session. And the right question to ask. Think about it this week."
Lacey felt incredibly unsettled as she drove back from Dr. Hemby's office, a feeling she wasn't used to having when leaving that haven. But couldn't she deal with anything thrown at her that resulted from Adam's hockey obsession? Would his fixation on being one of the best run its course? Or would it continue on for years? Could she handle it?
I can and I will, Lacey assured herself. I just have to learn to deal with it. I made a promise to him like he did to me, and I'm going to honor it. I'll wait as long as it takes for hockey to pass.
After all, Adam meant the whole world to her. She wasn't losing what they had, no matter what foolish decisions he made.
/*/*/
Adam was right–the transition from St. Paul College to the University of Minnesota was nothing to sneeze at.
Lacey had opted to live at home and commute the half hour to school versus live on-campus, primarily for moneys' sake. She now had enough financial stability to completely cover housing, but why spend it if she didn't need to? Plus, it would be that much less of an adjustment she'd have to make. She could still return every evening to the safety of Stuart, her mom and her sisters.
Her classes were fascinating: Social Work for Chemical Dependency (which explained alot to Lacey about her father's addiction); Psychology of Self-Awareness; Interviewing and Recording; and Social Issues for Families. Lacey could sit and listen to the lectures in class for hours, even if textbook reading was tedious and papers felt overwhelming. But she got off to a decent start. The next semester would bring her very first practicum, even though it would start small: shadowing a social worker in the mental trauma wing of the UM Medical Center. But the prospect was enough to make Lacey incredibly nervous. What if she'd gotten this far into her degree only to realize it wasn't what she'd thought it would be? Then what? Start over?
"My cousin's best friend became a doctor," an acquaintance from class, Sondra, confided as she slurped a milkshake through a straw at a restaurant on campus. "Then she realized she wanted to be a lawyer. Can you imagine how much money she blew out her butt on her entire education?"
Lacey shifted as her fries got cold. "I wonder how often people change their majors because what they want to do in life changes?"
"Well I was one of 'em." Sondra's boyfriend Jeff swung down into the booth next to her, across from Lacey. "Biggest gripe about it is parents complaining how you wasted their money and your time." He smiled easily. "But I say it's better to leave this place with what you really want, not what you think you should have gotten."
Lacey nodded uneasily. "What did you switch from and to?"
"Went from Psychology to Business Management. Got sick of hearing about all these petty problems," he chuckled.
Sondra shoved him. "That's kind of an asshole thing to say."
"Hey, not really! I respect psychology, it's just not for me. I'm a pretty practical guy, you know." He smiled at Lacey. "What you studying right now?"
"Social Work," she smirked. "With a concentration in psychiatric issues."
"Oooh, you're one of those 'lala land' people." He put his arm around Sondra, regarding Lacey with mock-suspicion. "Be careful of this one."
Lacey chuckled. These two seemed pretty flippant about the whole major-switching thing, but she still had her fears of what the practicum may reveal to her about herself.
BanksAL99: I think you're worrying too much. And anyway, you're liable to be hyper worried you're into the wrong thing doing your first practicum.
CatsCradleGurl_1980: I guess so. Good thing u don't really have 2 do much of that this semester.
BanksAL99: Yeah, especially since I still have no idea exactly what I want to do. Probably just business like my dad. And the only concentration they have other than International and American Politics is Law. It was the only thing that sounded interesting. CatsCradleGurl_1980: I think you'd make a good lawyer.
BanksAL99: Too much school for that. I was reading that there are other careers you can use political science for.
It never ceased to amaze Lacey how calm Adam was about all this. He elected to minor in Business, probably once again at his father's urging. But she supposed picking a blanket major as he had might open more doors for him and present him with plenty of options for a career.
The other surprising thing was, she'd heard very little about hockey from Adam so far, even though she knew practices would be well underway by now and scrimmages were being scheduled. She was unsure if this was a good or bad thing. Was he keeping the rules they had agreed on for him last year? Or was he just not talking much to her about his health regimen because he knew what her reaction would be?
So she started asking him about it.
CatsCradleGurl_1980: how's the season shaping up? Good players?
BanksAL99: Oh, sure! Of course Morrigan's still here this year, and as always he's a heck of an enforcer. And we have this new guy who transferred to take third center.
All was good and made Lacey feel more at ease about Adam's junior year hockey season–until he revealed to her he was being scouted by the LA Kings.
"And Coach thinks this might be the real deal for me," he spoke excitedly over the phone one Friday night in late September.
"Adam," Lacey cautioned. "Remember the rules."
She could practically hear him tense up at the end of the line. "Of course. I mean, sure I will, Lacey. You know I managed to do it the last half of the season last year."
"I know," she replied quickly in a light voice. "It just made me feel better to say it. This may be the real deal for you," she tried to compensate for her concern by joining in his excitement as best she could. "All the guys who were recruited last year and the year before were upperclassmen. That's you now, so maybe this is it."
"I sure hope so."
When Lacey hung up that night, she felt something that was alien to her: a kind of fence forming between herself and Adam. It was something she could still reach over, still see through–reminding her she was in his life, and still very important. And certainly she still loved him like nothing else. But their focuses were different right now, and as they weren't together, they were unable to share them with one another like they had been before. And that would be able to be withstood were it not that his focus was on only one thing, and a thing that had proven to be dangerous for both his mental and physical health: hockey. And other than going to games, learning to enjoy the sport and watching Adam play it, it had come to mean very little to her again, just as it had when she was younger and watching Max play. It was only a game, but it was almost like an addiction Adam had. And she had been learning a lot about addictions thanks to her class this semester: they weren't only chemical. They could also be behavioral. She didn't want to go so far as to call Adam a hockey addict, but he was definitely somewhere close to the mark.
So she found herself hoping he would not make the NHL.
Not even close, even by a whisper. She wanted it to become a thing of the past for him, or at least something he only did for fun, as a hobby to supplement his life–not control it. Because if he became unhealthy over it again like he had last year, she wasn't sure she could stand by and support that.
What?! was her mind's incredulous echo every time the thought came to her mind. What had happened to her resolve to stick by him through his thing? Her promise to be there for him after it all? But it now felt like the wrong thing to do all of a sudden. She had been learning in her class that the worst thing you can do as a family member or friend is simply tolerate what's tearing a person down, sapping their strength. You think you're helping and just being a loyal loved one, but really, you're enabling. By not confronting, you're actually harming them further, giving them support to keep spiraling downward. The idea of ever reaching that point with Adam felt heavy and made her listless.
But it surely wasn't going to come down to that, even though Lacey realized there was one more thing that had come to bother her more than she thought it would: this past few months had been the first since they'd been together that Adam hadn't noticed she'd been pulling again. She'd blamed it at first, on the shorter hairstyle she had adopted, chunky with lots of layers. But he had always spotted the signs even when she thought there was no way he could. Yet now, he didn't even mention it anymore. And it was because he wasn't paying attention.
She needed him right now. Ironically, however, it was because of his carelessness that she was anxious and pulling in the first place. How was she going to get past this cycle and turn everything back to how it used to be? And was it all up to her?
Where was her sweet, attentive Adam? Had he been completely swallowed up by ice?
