Six years. It had been six years since his father had passed away. Five years since he had seen Jonathan Kent laugh or smile. Six years without his advice, his knowing looks, and his good-natured smile. It had been six years since Clark killed his father.
He sighed as he looked out over the balcony. Metropolis was bustling with traffic as people were leaving work for the day. Knowing she was leaving the Planet, he picked up on Lois's heartbeat a few blocks away. He had to leave work early to deal with a bomb threat in New York City, so he had just told her to meet him at home after work since he wasn't sure how long it'd take.
Knowing she was on her way home gave him mixed emotions. Today of all days he did not want to be alone, but he also didn't think he deserved the company. After all, who could love someone who killed their own father?
Objectively, Clark knew it wasn't his fault. There was nothing he could have done to prevent the heart attack. However, that didn't keep the guilt from eating away at him. It was his fault his dad's heart was weak in the first place. He should never have put on the red kryptonite ring. He should never have let Jor-El take away his powers. He should never have gone back and saved Lana's life. If he had just made smarter decisions, maybe his father would still be here. But no; he had to be selfish.
His mother had told him time and time again that it wasn't his fault, and that his dad would not have blamed him for his death. He would have blamed himself for getting so angry at Lionel. Hell, he would've blamed himself for working too hard or eating poorly or anything that would make Clark stop feeling responsible for his weak heart. That's just the type of man he was.
Still, it didn't quell the guilt that had built up over the years. Despite knowing he couldn't have done anything, the feelings were still there. It was like that every time he failed to save someone in danger. Sometimes he just couldn't get there in time or even if he did, it was too late. Even knowing every bad thing that happened in his life wasn't his fault, it didn't stop the pain.
"Clark?"
He spun around to see Lois standing in the doorway. She wore an uneasy expression that slightly worried him, but the worry turned to confusion when she pulled out a bouquet of flowers from behind her back.
"I'm sorry," she said. Frowning, he crossed his arms and leaned back against the railing.
"Usually our roles are reversed, so I'm a little confused on how to react here," Clark teased. "But for future reference, I'm more of a chocolates guy myself."
When she didn't come back with a witty retort, Clark really began to wrack his brain about what was happening. He stepped towards her and gently placed a hand on her bicep causing her to bite her lip worriedly.
"Lois, what are you apologizing for exactly?" he asked.
"I completely forgot what day it was today! I didn't even think about it this morning and I know I rushed out of the apartment into work without saying a word!" she exclaimed. "Then I was MIA all day meeting with people and I didn't even notice that you seemed to be upset and I'm just really sorry, Smallville."
He did his best to repress the smile that threatened his face. Lois Lane really was the most incredible woman he had ever met. He knew that she really felt awful from her rambling, her nervous lip-biting, and the way her eyes reflected the guilt she was feeling.
"Lois, it's okay. There's nothing to apologize for," he said sincerely. He pulled her into a much-needed hug and kissed the side of her head. "Thank you for thinking of me though."
"Of course, I just… I know I'm not really the best when it comes to emotions and things like this, but I'm trying to be. I remembered on the way home from work and just felt awful," she said. "Are you okay?"
"I'm much better now," he said, pulling away to give her a real kiss. "Did you really buy me flowers though?"
"Oh! No, well, kind of," she said. "I thought that maybe we could go visit his grave."
"I think he'd really like that."
A couple minutes later, Clark was placing Lois down on the grass in front of the Smallville Cemetery. Slipping his hand into hers, they walked silently along the cement path that wound through the grounds. It was an unusually nice evening for January, something that they both appreciated tonight. As they approached the tombstone, Clark took a deep breath. The last time he was here, he told his dad that he had to let him go. He was convinced that he had to let go of everyone and everything in the past to be the man that the world needed him to bed. He couldn't believe how stupid he had been to even think that way.
"Do you want a minute alone?" Lois asked softly. She looked up at him with wide eyes, but he just shook his head and squeezed her hand.
"No, I want you here. He'd want you here, too," he said simply. She nodded and bent to place the bouquet at the base of the tombstone before squatting down next to Clark.
"Hey, Dad. It's Lois and me. I can't believe it's been five years since you've been gone," Clark said. "We miss you. So does Mom. We talked on the phone for a while today about you, just remembering a lot of the good times we had together."
"It's been a pretty hard couple of years without you, but not everything has been bad. I'm finally fulfilling my destiny. Lois decided to name me Superman, though I'm not too entirely comfortable with the name. Still, I'm really happy. The happiest I've ever been, actually."
He paused trying to figure out what he wanted to say next, but all that came to his mind was how guilty he felt. Tears began to build in his eyes and he put a hand on the cool headstone for support. Taking in a shaky breath, he continued.
"I really wish you were here. I still feel all of this guilt for what happened. I know you'd tell me it's not my fault, but it doesn't change how I feel," he said softly. He noticed Lois looking up at him, but he refused to meet her gaze. "I'm so sorry, Dad."
Not knowing what else to say, he let his hand drop from the stone and leaned back on the balls of his feet. He just stared at the engraving of his father's name and thought about how the date of death was far too early than it should have been.
"Hi, Mr. Kent. It's Lois," he heard his fiancé say. "I just want to let you know what an amazing man Clark has become. He's not just a hero, but a superhero. You'd be so proud of him. I know I am."
Lois looked at him warmly and placed a hand on his knee. Giving it a squeeze, she turned back to the grave.
"I miss you. You were like a second father to me and I'll never be able to thank you enough for taking me in all those years ago. So, thank you for being there for me. Thank you for raising the incredible man I'm lucky enough to love."
The couple stayed there for a few moments, Clark looking at his father's grave and Lois looking at Clark. It was hard for him to listen to all the things Lois was saying about him when he still felt so guilty, but he appreciated it nonetheless. After a while, Lois rose and reached down with an open hand. Taking one last look at his father's tomb, he gently took her hand and stood.
"I love you, Dad."
After a quick dinner and patrol, Clark found himself back out on the balcony. The moon was exceptionally bright tonight among the few stars he could see against the light of Metropolis. That was one of the things he missed about the farm. The quiet nights where he could stand alone in the barn loft and stare at the stars was probably what he missed the most. Though he didn't regret moving to the city, he still wished he could go back sometimes.
"You okay, Smallville?" Lois asked as she walked up behind him. He felt her arms encircle his waist and he leaned back against her body. Her head was pressed against the upper part of his back and the warm breath that brushed across his skin every few seconds was calming. He closed his eyes and simply existed in the moment for a few seconds until he realized he hadn't answered her.
"Yeah, I think so. Today was hard, but you made it easier. Thank you for being there," he said. She circled around him so that she was now pressed between him and the railing. Moving her hands from his waist to his neck, she gazed into his eyes and smiled sadly.
"There's nowhere else I'd rather be," she said. He bent to kiss her softly, not wanting to initiate anything, but simply just wanting to feel her lips against his. Sensing this, she kissed him back almost tentatively before releasing him and pressing her head to his shoulder. They stood silently wrapped in each other's arms for a few minutes before she spoke again.
"Can I ask you something?"
"You can ask me anything," he replied. He felt her pull away momentarily and looked down to find a conflicting expression on her face.
"Why do you feel guilty about your dad's death?"
Clark sucked in a sharp breath. He certainly hadn't expected her to ask that question, but thinking back on it, he couldn't remember ever telling Lois about what had actually happened. She knew at the time that he had died of a heart attack, which was the truth, but Clark had never explained the events leading to his death.
When he didn't answer right away, she stayed silent, still looking at him expectantly. He loved that about her. She never pushed him, except for when he needed it. She never forced him to tell her his secret and even when she knew, she let him tell her on his own terms. She always said what was on her mind, but accepted when he just didn't want to talk.
"Let's go inside first, okay?" he said simply. He could tell she was getting chilly, though she wouldn't admit it. Plus, he wanted to be able to sit with her in his arms when he told her. Something about simply being able to hold Lois was calming to him and that's exactly what he needed if he was going to talk about that night.
She nodded without a word and led him inside. Clark closed the doors to the balcony as Lois slipped into one of his t-shirts and turned the light off. He flicked on the lamp beside his side of the bed so they wouldn't be talking in the dark and slipped under the sheets. He propped a pillow up against the headboard so he could sit up and waited for Lois to join him. When she was finally sitting next to him, hand in his and legs draped over his own, he began.
"Back in high school, before you came to Smallville, before the fortress was ever built and before I really knew anything about who I was, we had the ship I came to Earth in hidden in the storm cellar. It called out to me a few times and told me that I had to leave Earth so that I could fulfill my destiny. Obviously, I didn't want to leave, so I tried to destroy it with a kryptonite key."
"When the ship was destroyed, it sent a shockwave through Smallville and flipped the truck my parents were driving in. They were fine, but my mom… well, she was pregnant," he admitted. "And she lost the baby."
"Clark…" Lois whispered. He didn't look at her. He couldn't. Instead, he swallowed and stared at a spot on the bedroom door as he continued.
"I didn't want to feel the guilt or pain or sadness. I didn't want to feel anything. So, I put on a ring with red kryptonite and went to Metropolis. I stayed there for three months and went by 'Kal'. I just did whatever I wanted to do. My parents thought I'd come back, but when I didn't, my dad went to Jor-El."
"They made a deal. Jor-El gave my dad Kryptonian powers so that he could help get me away from the ring and eventually embrace my destiny. He did find me in Metropolis and eventually broke the ring, but his body was too weak for the Kryptonian powers. Having them weakened his heart significantly."
"Clark, it's not your fault…" Lois began, but Clark looked down at her.
"There's more, Lois. I should have told you this a while ago and I'm sorry I didn't. It might make you change the way you feel about me," he admitted. A lump was forming in his throat thinking about the next part of the story. However, Lois shifted herself so that she was now sitting on top of him, legs on both sides of his thighs, and hands cupping his cheeks.
"Listen to me. There is nothing that could change the way I feel about you. Nothing, Clark," she said. Her eyes shone with absolute truth, but part of him was still scared to tell her. He lifted his own hand and placed it on her own before closing his eyes.
"After the second meteor shower, I was transported to the fortress where I finally met Jor-El who wanted me to continue my training, but I refused. He stripped me of my powers and for once I was just a normal guy. Being a normal guy made me vulnerable. I was shot and killed by a crazy guy who was trying to blow up Smallville, but Jor-El saved me. He resurrected me and gave me my powers back, but told me I would have to pay a price. That price would be someone else's life."
"So he took your dad…" Lois whispered. Clark nodded, but continued.
"Yes, but not at first. The day of the election… well, it happened twice. The first time around, I decided to tell Lana about who I really was. And… well, I proposed."
He opened his eyes to gauge her reaction and wasn't surprised when she leaned slightly back. Lana was always a touchy subject with Lois no matter how much he tried to convince her that there was no comparison between the two. Waiting for any indication to go on, Clark sat silently until Lois slowly nodded for him to continue.
"I told her to wait to answer me. I wanted her to process everything before she said yes or no. Right before the election party, she said yes," he said. Lois bit her lip and Clark rubbed the pad of his thumb over her hand urging her not to dwell on it, though he knew there was no way she wouldn't.
"Well, we got to the party and my dad won. Lex ended up calling Lana and she went over there for God knows what reason. I don't know what happened between the two of them, but I guess he found out that she knew about my secret. She called me as she was driving, Lex was trying to chase her down. So, I ran to where she was, but when I got there… she had hit a school bus. She died."
Lois's mouth dropped open. The surprise on her face was evident, but she didn't say anything. Taking that as a sign to continue, Clark took another deep breath.
"I went to Jor-El. He told me that I had to pay a price, but I demanded that he couldn't take her life. So, he gave me a crystal that allowed me to go back in time and save her. He warned me that I could only use the crystal once, but I didn't care. I used it and went back to before I told Lana my secret."
"I made sure I was there this time to stop Lana from hitting the bus. This time though… my dad wasn't with me when Lana died. Instead, he was at the farm. Lionel came in and they got in a fight and well… his heart gave out. Jor-El took my dad's life in exchange for Lana's."
He didn't notice the tears on his cheeks until he felt Lois wiping them away. Her own eyes glistened, but she didn't let them fall for his sake. She gently caressed his face and looked at him with all the love and compassion she could possibly muster.
"It wasn't your fault, Clark. You didn't trust Jor-El then. You couldn't. And you couldn't know what was going to happen. You couldn't know that Lex would go after Lana. You couldn't know that Lionel would show up at the farm. You couldn't have known, Clark."
"Then why does it still feel like my fault?" he croaked. Lois pulled his head to her chest and ran her fingers through his hair as he let a few stray tears leak from his eyes.
"Because you have an incredibly large hero-complex that causes you to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, even though you're just one man," she said softly. "It wasn't your fault, Clark. Your father would tell you the same thing."
He let her hold him for a little bit longer as his mind reeled. He recalled all the of the events leading to that fateful day and wished he could redo things. He wished he would have just trusted Jor-El from the beginning. There would be so many more people alive. He would have had a little brother or sister. He would still have a father.
He thought about the day of the election. He thought about all of the things he could have done differently. Recounting each and every detail, he stumbled across a memory that caused him to lurch out of Lois's arms.
"Lois! He could have… you could have… Jor-El…" Clark sputtered, trying to make sense of his rapid thoughts.
"Clark, calm down. What's going on?" she asked calmly. His eyes were wild with emotions and it took him a moment to actually process his newly acquired information.
"Lois, he could have taken you from me," he breathed. "When you fell off of the stool at the Talon, you could have been electrocuted. You could've died."
"But you saved me," Lois immediately responded. "Just like you always do."
Clark was about to respond, but he found himself silenced by a pair of lips. Lois wrapped her entire body around him and kissed him almost pleadingly. She was trying to take his pain away and even though he knew this, it was working. He felt her love for him emanate around him and allowed himself to get lost in the kiss. When she finally pulled away, she took a deep breath and stared at him.
"I'm only going to say this once, so you better listen. I know you feel like your actions may have killed your dad, but you're wrong. You could never have known what was going to happen. He wouldn't have blamed you for going back to save Lana. In fact, I know he would've wanted you to use that crystal if it was Lana or me or even a complete stranger because that's just the type of man that he was."
"You have got to stop carrying around this guilt. He wouldn't have wanted that for you. I know you wish you could go back and make different choices, but don't we all? That's just life whether you're alien or not," she said. "And this revelation doesn't change a damn thing. You're still my Smallville."
He didn't really know how to respond to that. He was glad that he told her the truth and beyond relieved that she still loved him, but it didn't change the fact that he still felt this way.
"Lois, I don't think I'm ever going to completely forgive myself for what happened, but telling you… it makes it easier to deal with. I don't know what I'd do without you," he said softly.
"You'll never have to find out," she whispered against his lips. The simple kiss led to a needy one which eventually led to a tangle of naked limbs and whispered words of love until the two found themselves cuddled up underneath the sheets. Clark buried his face in her hair, losing himself in the calming scent as Lois played with the fingers on his left hand.
"So… you proposed, huh?" Lois asked. Clark let out a lengthy groan and threw an arm over his face. He knew she wasn't going to let this go. "And you told her your secret? Way to hit her with the double whammy, Smallville."
