Over the next couple of months, things seemed to settle into some semblance of normalcy. Johnny felt as if some of the fog was starting to lift, the pain he felt at any mention of Roy starting to dull.

Coming to a decision about Joanne had surely helped, he figured. Sure, they were still close, but only as friends, and he was a regular fixture in Joanne's and the kids' lives. He went to ball games, had finally figured out the rules of soccer, did the occasional repair around the house whenever Joanne needed it.

Not to say that Johnny didn't still feel something for Joanne, but it was surprisingly easy for him to shove those feelings aside. It was better this way. Less complicated.

He settled into his bunk that night, listening as the rest of the crew cracked jokes with each other. Chet's disastrous love life had been the main source of the jokes all day, with Chet finally getting thoroughly exasperated with them and telling them all to go to hell.

At least Johnny wasn't the butt of those jokes right now. Of course, he would have to be making an attempt to date someone in order for that to be the case, and Johnny just didn't feel like making the effort right now.

"Charlene has a few single friends." Reggie offered. "Just say the word."

"I don't need a matchmaker." Chet told him with a huff.

"You sure about that?" Reggie asked skeptically to another round of laughter. "Seems like you could use the help."

"I don't." Chet answered sharply as they entered the dorm. "Why don't you send one of them Johnny's way? He needs the help more than I do."

Johnny groaned at that. "Don't drag me into this."

"Yeah, Johnny's not the one whining about his love life." Marco pointed out. "For once."

"That's because he doesn't have one." Chet shot back. "Unless you're holding out on us, Johnny."

"When have you ever known Johnny to keep a secret?" Marco asked.

"Good point." Chet agreed. "He's incapable of such a thing."

"All right, lights out." Cap told them amid the snickers from the rest of the crew.

The dorm went dark, and Johnny listened as one by one, his crewmates fell asleep, leaving him alone with his thoughts. He still wasn't sleeping worth a damn. That hadn't changed a bit. Those same dreams that had troubled him ever since Roy's death still haunted him, and Johnny hadn't figured out a way around them yet.

At some point he must have drifted off, because he suddenly bolted awake at the sound of the tones, putting on his turnouts and stumbling toward the squad.

Cap gave him the address slip, which he promptly handed off to Reggie, and they pulled out ahead of the engine with lights flashing and sirens blaring.

They soon arrived at a ramshackle building, with a crowd of people already gathered outside. Johnny and Reggie climbed down from the squad to meet up with Cap.

"Fire seems to have started on the third floor. Most of the residents from the lower floors are out. Need you guys to start checking out the upper floors. Ladder truck's already set up."

Johnny could feel his hair standing up on end, a feeling of dread starting to build. He forced himself to tamp it down. There was no time for that, not right now.

Reggie gave him a concerned look as they prepared for the climb. "You okay?"

"Yeah." Johnny answered with a confidence he didn't feel. "Ready when you are."

Johnny led the way, trotting up the ladder with Reggie close behind, and they climbed into the building through the window, each of them taking one side of the hallway.

"Fire department!" Johnny called out as he knocked on a door, swinging it open when he didn't get a response.

He and Reggie proceeded down the hallway. So far, so good. Reggie found a couple residents and guided them to the window and down the ladder to the waiting firefighters below before returning to sweep the floor.

Finally, Johnny knocked on the last door of the hallway. "Fire department!"

The door opened slowly, revealing an older, obviously inebriated man. "What's going on?"

"Sir, there's a fire on the floor below yours." Johnny told him. "You need to come with us."

The man looked from Johnny to Reggie and back at Johnny. "What fire? I don't see no fire."

"Sir, you're gonna have to trust us." Johnny told him firmly. "Now, just come with us and we'll get you down."

"Why can't we just take the elevator?" The man asked.

Johnny was starting to reach his limit with the man. Before he could say anything more, Reggie broke in. "The elevators aren't working, man. Either you come with us, or you burn up when that fire reaches this floor."

The man's eyes went wide. "Well, why the hell didn't you say so?"

Johnny was momentarily rendered speechless but recovered quickly. He and Reggie started to guide the man out of his room when he heard a sound behind him.

"Reggie, move, NOW!" Johnny yelled, all but dragging Reggie and the man down the hallway. There was no time to waste. That fire was going to eat through at any moment, and damned if Johnny was going to lose Reggie, too.

He heard Reggie yelling something back at him but ignored it. Whatever Reggie wanted to yell at him about could damn well wait until they were back on the ground.

If they made it that far.

No, they were going to make it, Johnny would make sure of that. Whatever it took to make sure Reggie and the man made it out, that's what Johnny would do.

The rest of it was a blur. Somehow, they managed to get the man down the ladder and on to the ground, though he sure as hell didn't make it easy for them. There were voices all around them, but Johnny couldn't make any of them out. All he could hear was the pounding of his own heart and his own ragged breaths.

He collapsed to his knees, whipping off his helmet and air mask, trying desperately to catch his breath. It had been close, too close. If they had been a second slower…

"Johnny?" Reggie's voice penetrated through the noise. "Come on man, talk to me."

Johnny looked up to see Reggie kneeled down in front of him with a hand on Johnny's shoulder. "You're okay."

"Yeah, man. I'm fine." Reggie answered, that concerned look on his face.

"Johnny, what happened in there?" Cap was suddenly beside him.

Johnny swallowed hard, still unable to catch his breath. "We were getting that guy out and there was this crackling sound. Had to hurry up and get out of there. Another second and we would have been toast."

"Johnny." Reggie's voice was calm. "It's okay."

"It almost wasn't." Johnny answered sharply. "Don't you get it?! If we hadn't gotten out of there when we did…well, I woulda had to face Charlene, right? Woulda had to tell her you didn't make it out. I can't do that again. I can't. See, I've gotta make sure you make it home, you know? And I've gotta look out for you, just like I did for Roy. Except I failed at that. I'm not gonna fail again. No way."

"Johnny—" Cap started before Reggie interrupted him.

"I'll talk him down, Cap." Reggie told him before he started rubbing Johnny's arm. "Now Johnny, I need you to take some deep breaths, okay? Deep breaths. You're okay."

Johnny closed his eyes and tried to do what Reggie told him, managing now to take slower breaths. He could feel his heart rate start to come down, followed by a sudden uncontrollable shaking taking over his body. "Shit. Reggie?"

"I'm right here." Reggie replied calmly, his hand never leaving Johnny's arm. "I'm not going anywhere. How are you feeling?"

"Shaky." Johnny told him quietly. "Kinda dizzy. Nauseous."

Reggie's hand moved to Johnny's wrist before going to his chest. "Heart rate's still about one-twenty. Respirations rapid and shallow. You wanna swing by Rampart and get checked out?"

"And tell them what?" Johnny replied scornfully. "That I freaked out on a rescue and damn near killed another partner? Nah, rather just go back to the station."

"We can do that." Reggie answered. "I'll drive. You need a hand up?"

Johnny nodded and started to climb to his feet with Reggie supporting him. He stood still for a moment, waiting for the dizzy feeling and the nausea to pass before nodding again. "Okay, ready."

"Johnny, are you okay?" Cap called out.

"He's all right, Cap." Reggie called back. "We're gonna head back to the station."

Cap nodded. "We won't be far behind. Just cleaning up, that's all."

Reggie nodded before guiding Johnny back to the squad, waiting while he climbed in before closing the door and rounding the front to get in on the driver's side. Soon they were back on the road and on their way back to the station.

Johnny was completely drained. It was all he could do to keep his eyes open as he leaned against the door of the squad while Reggie drove through the night in silence.

Reggie backed the squad into the bay and shut it off. "You need a hand?"

Johnny shook his head. "Think I'll be okay. Sorry I freaked out on you."

"Happens, man." Reggie replied. "You're going through a tough time."

"I really thought it was getting better." Johnny told him. "You know, kinda getting used to him not being here. Then something like that just hits out of nowhere."

"And that's gonna happen, too." Reggie answered. "You know, everyone tries to tell you that someday you're gonna be all right and you're gonna come out on the other side. I don't think that's true. It comes and goes. One day everything's fine and the next day you're ripping someone's head off because they looked at you funny."

"So, it never goes away." Johnny huffed. "That's not very comforting."

"I didn't say that." Reggie laughed a little. "The time between those things…it gets longer. At first, it's a day or two. Then maybe it's a month or so. Eventually, you go longer. Maybe it never completely goes away, but it does get better."

Johnny swallowed hard, not entirely trusting his own voice. "Thanks."

Reggie clapped him on the shoulder and climbed down from the squad, and Johnny soon followed suit, returning to the dorm and finally laying back down.

Despite his exhaustion, sleep just wasn't coming. Johnny huffed irritably and sat up, getting back into his turnouts and finding his cigarette pack and lighter before heading back outside the bay.

Just as he was lighting up, the engine returned, backing into the bay. Johnny could hear the activity as the rest of the crew climbed down and returned to the dorm, leaving Johnny alone in the dark and the quiet.

"You got one of those to spare?" Cap was suddenly right beside him.

Johnny shook one out of his pack and handed it to Cap along with his lighter. Cap lit it up and handed Johnny back the lighter.

"Johnny, what happened?" Cap asked quietly. "And I mean to you."

Johnny took a deep drag and exhaled. "We were getting that guy out. Had a hard time convincing him to go. Reggie finally talked him into it, and we started heading out. I heard that crackling sound. Same one I heard just before…just before the ceiling fell on Roy. I freaked out."

"Of course you did." Cap replied softly. "No wonder."

"I couldn't get out of there fast enough, Cap." The words came spilling out now. "Thought for sure we were done for, and I was gonna lose Reggie, just like I lost Roy. I couldn't let that happen. Not again."

Cap took a long drag of his own, blowing out the smoke before speaking again. "Johnny, have you talked to anyone about this?"

"Who, a shrink?" Johnny asked. "I don't need one. I'm not crazy."

"Didn't say you were." Cap answered. "But it'd be good for you to get some of this off your chest. I'm not going to force you to go, but I'm going to encourage it."

The idea of talking to a complete stranger about any of this didn't sit well with Johnny. He had a hard enough time talking about it with those he knew. "I'll think about it." He told Cap.

"Good man." Cap crushed out his cigarette and clapped Johnny on the shoulder. "Don't stay out here too long. Try to get some sleep, okay?"

"Sure, Cap."

Eventually Johnny put out his cigarette and headed back to the dorm, climbing back into his bunk. Maybe if he couldn't sleep, he could at least rest a little.

God, this had to get better eventually, didn't it?