A/N: My loves! I have for you a bonus part of All This Time. Some of you were interested to see what actually happened between defeating Negan and the epilogue. Well, here you go. Please enjoy! Cheers.
Chapter warnings: canon typical violence, explicit sexual content.
Day 610
I always felt like loving someone is nearly a philosophical concept.
How do you measure it? Love, that is. How can you measure something that is different for every person? And I'm not gonna break into the song about thousand minutes – though it's a great song – but I can try to describe what symptoms I personally display. I know sounds like a disease, but for some, it could be the equivalent of one.
My love for family was always displayed by trying to protect them, to show them with my gestures and how I acted. From an early age, I was more withdrawn and didn't find talking about feelings necessary. Back then my parents were worried until they understood that was just how my brain operates.
So, I have shown them by drawing pictures, by using the knowledge they shared. By doing shopping and never forgetting a birthday.
Nowadays my family consists of fellow survivors and that deep need to live, to protect each other, is what bonds us. We show each other love by bringing food and medicine back home, by going home with fresh meat. And as unemotional as it sounds by willing to kill those who threaten the lives of those important to me.
I never knew a love of or for a sibling. In theory, it's a closer bond, different from that of a parent. Never experienced it. Not until Merle. It's a mixture of wanting to strangle that person and protect them from any kind of harm. Though the first part might be simply my experience with older Dixon.
Of course, there is the love that parents have for their children. I was lucky enough to experience it from my own mom and dad through their words and how they cared for me. My time as a parent to Amelia was fleeting, cut short by a maniac. But I do remember that blossoming pride and unconditional love for someone I didn't even meet.
Daryl and I were fortunate enough to experience it on that dirty abandoned road in Atlanta on the way out of the city when we realized that even without us knowing we became parents to Lucy. The need to care, provide, and show her that the world can still be a bright place even with rotting corpses walking, became our second nature. To watch her grow, to see her experience life.
And there is this other kind of love. Eros. Romantic, passionate love. I never truly understood the meaning until I met Daryl on the crowded interstate leading to Atlanta. Of course, I didn't know then. But that day was the beginning of the new world, for me in more than one way. Beginning of forming a family, and friendships, and finding the one person in the world that I would wish to stay with forever – however long that would be.
It's hard to describe the feeling. It's like the burst of fresh air, with a simple thought of him my chest constricts and my heart rate speeds up but at the same time I feel light as a feather, and I feel like I can finally breathe. With him by my side, I know we can conquer any obstacle thrown at us. With Daryl's simple touch, my body burns and I don't think it will ever subside, my craving for him ran too deep at this point. And even the thought of him gone, vanished from my life is simply unbearable. Without Daryl, my life would lose meaning. Even with my family, and Lucy it wouldn't be living any longer. I would keep going but instead of brightness, my world would be covered in shadows. I would kill for him, fight for him, do anything to make sure he was alive and happy.
This finally leads me to this particular time in the Walker Apocalypse.
Nine days ago we knelt in front of the biggest threat our group ever encountered.
Nine days ago we lost Abraham in an unnecessarily violent show of power.
Nine days ago Negan's regime ended.
Nine days ago I lost count of how many lives I have taken, but I was fairly certain that directly I killed about 60 people since the world went to shit. Indirectly? Probably over 100.
Everything should go back to normal. To planning runs and getting ready for the farming season. We should focus on proper trading and drawing plans to sustain contact and good relationships with the other three communities.
Right?
Wrong.
I mean agenda was right there, but I couldn't focus on it. Couldn't really focus on anything besides the fact that ever since we came back to Alexandria my husband wasn't there. Alright, Daryl was present. His body was here, but he spent the majority of his time either with Rick planning shit or with Dwight.
After taking over Sanctuary, we took the man with us. The original plan was an eye for an eye. He betrayed Daryl's trust, stole his shit, his bike, and left him in the middle of a burned forest. Then he killed Denise, our sweet newly appointed doctor, right in front of Daryl. And finally, when Dixon went for the manhunt this scar-faced dick shot him. There was no way we were letting him live.
However, that was not the case. Between Morgan and Carl, they convinced us to put him in the cell that the former built. Daryl was fuming, not that I blamed him, but for me, it was over. The adrenaline high went away leaving me utterly exhausted. The freshly stitched shot wound was throbbing and all I wanted was to cradle Lucy in my arms and go to sleep with her and Daryl beside me.
But that was the beginning of the longest and shittiest nine days of my apocalyptic life. The first part happened, Lucy was the one keeping me company, but Daryl never came. In fact, ever since coming back, he was visibly avoiding me. Only during the first night he was there beside me in our huge bed but at the same time wasn't. He didn't touch me and every time I reached out he flinched not even trying to hide it. And every other night after that he was sleeping on the couch, or so Merle told me.
It was heartbreaking and exhausting, and on top of it came the need to explain to Lucy why Daddy wasn't around – something I never thought I would be doing.
Sighing I rubbed my forehead, glancing over at the gate that opened. Daryl brought back Sherry, apparently Dwight's wife, only a night before and this morning both Dixon brothers escorted them outside the gates. To do what I couldn't possibly say, as no one was telling me anything.
"It's not healthy to stress right now, Elena," Rick would drawl in his thick accent, gazing at me with a heavy dose of worry and overprotectiveness.
The car stopped and Merle existed, his eyes finding mine instantly. My heart sped up at no further sign of younger Dixon, making me break into the jog.
"Where is he?"
Merle circled his arm around my shoulders, pulling me towards home. "Huntin'. Said to not worry."
Raising my brow I snorted. "Did he? Or did you throw it there to make him sound as if he still cares?"
"Doll, it ain't like that, ya know Darlina would die for ya 'nd that lil' girl," Merle reasoned, but I was passed the condescending assurances.
"Hook, he didn't come to bed in nine days. He hasn't spoken to me or Lucy since the clearing, and he avoids any kind of contact. What the fuck should I think?"
"He just needs time..."
"Time?" I didn't let him finish. "We all fucking need time. He wasn't the only one there, we all watched Abe bashed to the pulp. Do you know how many people I killed since this shit started? I became fucking thing that I was hunting down, I feel like I'm drowning and he feels like he can have a pity party?! I was terrified too! Fuck, there were only a few other instances in my life where I thought I won't make it!"
"And that's the problem, Doll," Merle stated, letting me through the door first as we arrived home.
I furrowed my brows thinking about it. "He blames himself?"
Scoffing Merle plopped onto the couch nodding silently.
So Daryl blamed himself. I had to think about it all logically and stop letting my overflowing hormones drive me. He went after Dwight, by himself, without a word, leaving Lucy and me behind. Only to get caught, shot, and nearly executed. And then he saw his family humiliated, scared, and on the edge of losing who we are.
Shaking my head I pushed Merle's legs down to sit beside him. That wasn't the whole story. Couldn't be. He saw me leave with Negan, knowing or rather suspecting that there was something wrong with me in days. But he watched and didn't intervene because I told him not to.
But we came back. Rick and I came back after ending Negan and we eliminated the danger. So the question was what was eating at Daryl more. Was it because he felt like it was his fault, which was a ridiculous notion, or maybe he felt inadequate as it was me who saved the day. Maybe was scared of losing me, more of us, and felt like he let us down.
More questions and no fucking answers. Well, no more.
"He said when he'll be back?" I asked Merle who slowly started dozing off.
"Before sundown."
"Alrighty. Will you take Lucy to Mich overnight?"
Dixon cocked his brow shaking his head. "We got plans..."
"Oh, pardon me for interrupting your sex life while I try to save my marriage. Let me rephrase. Take Lu with you to Mich overnight."
"Fine. But ya own me!" Hook rolled his eyes, standing up with a soft grunt. "She's at Rick's?"
"Yeah, let me get a few things for her."
He waved his hand dismissing my words. "Nah, Sugar got some shit already. Watcha gonna do 'bout Oscar?"
"He'll face a temporary eviction." I patted his arm, standing up and moving towards the stairs. I had a fight to plan.
The room was dark, all the lights in the house were turned off not helping me with staying awake at all, but I was determined. It was late in the night, rounding two in the morning, making me not only furious but also incredibly worried. It was stupid to stay outside so late, in the middle of the night you can't fucking see walkers, people, or any other dangers.
If I was going to rip Daryl one before, now I was fucking stringing him by his thick neck.
I was ready, more awake than I was in the last few hours, ever since I heard the loud roar of the motorcycle, knowing only one person within the community that would be let in so late driving one of those.
A low creek from the porch alerted me to the presence, my whole body tensing up, jaw clicking from clenching hard. The doorknob twisted and soft footsteps sounded in the hallway, getting closer and closer, when they reached the sitting room I stretched my arm, turning on the lamp sitting beside the couch.
Daryl flinched, blinking rapidly at the sudden brightness. Narrowing my eyes I scanned over his form, automatically looking for any injuries, breathing out in relief when I didn't find any. Mind you, Dixon was dirty with a smidge of dirt marrying his cheek, but besides that, he seemed unharmed.
The man hesitated, his eyes cast down to the floor, teeth chewing on his bottom lip, and yet he didn't speak a word. No, he chose the route he did for the past week, turning on his heel.
Shooting up from the couch, I yelled after him, "Don't you fucking dare, Daryl Dixon! Don't you dare to turn your back on me!"
With a heart in my throat, beating so fast that I was afraid it would burst out, I stood with a straight back, eyes narrowed. Even after hours of thinking, running possible ways the conversation would go in my head, him running away was the one option I knew I wouldn't be able to stand.
Daryl stopped, his back still facing me visibly tensed while his fist clenched tightly.
"Please, Big Boy. Don't turn on us," I begged softly, slowly making my way to him, "we need you. I need you. You just have to talk to me, and we can go through it together."
"I ain't wanna talk to ya," raspy words, the first words uttered in my direction in nine days, broke my heart. "'nd ya ain't need me."
My blood froze in my veins and I felt tears welling in my eyes.
"So what?" I spat, going around him to see his face. "That's it? Are you just giving up on us? Throwing away everything we went through? And for what? Some fucking misguided sense of broken pride?"
Daryl's face gradually sunk during my rant, his eyes cast down, but when I spoke those last words they flickered up fire inside them and his lips turned into a scowl.
"Ya got fuckin' nerve chattin' shit 'bout my pride, with yur fuckin' hero complex," Daryl countered sticking his finger in my face, making me swat it away.
"All shit you knew before you said yes to forever and always, dick." Jabbing his chest with my finger I let a few tears spill down my cheek. "I won't fucking tolerate your silence any longer. You can't just ghost me and Lucy like that. You either fucking speak to me so we can work it out or you fucking take that ring off and fuck off!"
That was the last thing I wanted and just as the last shaky yell left my lips I felt something crack inside me. Hormones were making me irrational, but there was a dose of truth – he couldn't ignore us all the time. I wouldn't let that happen.
Daryl's eyes widened and he took a step back as if I slapped him across the face, up until his expression morphed into a blank mask. And then I lost my shit.
His right hand moved going towards the left and the ring I worked so hard on.
My fist moved before I could process it and landed between his ribs. "Are you fucking serious?!"
Daryl gasped and moved aside when I tried to push him, tears freely falling down my face. "Ya said yurself. Ya ain't happy, end of story."
"And you won't even try to fix it? You just gonna ditch like a fucking coward?"
That got the reaction I was betting on. If I was going to get anywhere with Dixon it was to make him lose his shit, release his pent-up frustration.
With the grace I always admired he launched himself at me, missing by inches as I stepped back and kicked at his knee. Huffing lightly and gripping a nearby chair for support he spun around, trying again.
"It's not just about you!" I moved around the table throwing a small metal bowl holding sweets in his general direction. "You have issues with how shit went down, you fucking talk to me"
I ducked as a picture frame sailed at my head. "'nd say fuckin' what? Hey, Princess, sorry for nearly killin' ya."
In seconds he was around the table hand gripping my upper arm. "Sorry for being' stupid fuck 'nd killin' Red."
With my second arm, I quickly broke away from his grip, pushing the chair behind me to slow him down. "That would be a good start. At least you would talk to me!"
"Sorry ya got to do all the work. Sorry ya got to fuckin' kill again. Sorry I cain't protect ya! Sorry for being useless fuck."
I snorted, stopping our dance around the room. "Wow, that's a great pity party. You went there to protect us, yeah it was misguided by your fucking need for revenge, but you still wanted to save us. If someone's to blame it's fucking me."
I squeaked as his arm circled my waist, pulling me harshly backward and lifting me up. Air escaped my lunges when Daryl slammed me on the table, looming over me. His eyes dilated and his breathing was labored.
"Ya killed 'im. Ya a hero, once again goin' on a suicide mission without a scratch."
"I was shot!"
I couldn't argue any longer when his chapped lips smashed into mine. Teeth rattled and I held onto his leather vest for dear life. More tears fell, my emotions all over the place. He didn't leave and finally gave me some idea of what was going through his head. And now was kissing me like there was no tomorrow.
Giving as much as he did, I pulled at his clothes, my nails scratching his neck and tangling into shaggy hair. Tongues swirled, fighting for dominance, teeth nipping at the lower lip, his, mine, it was hard to say. My whole body tingled, pent-up adrenaline twisting into flames of unstoppable desire while Daryl's hands traveled all over my body.
A simple tan shirt was nearly ripped apart when his skilled fingers fumbled with buttons, impatience showing in his jerky movements. But it was not the time to be passive. My smaller hands skimped down his neck to his broad shoulders, relearning vast planes of muscles until I reached his vest, pushing it down his shoulders. His chest vibrated with a low growl when his hands were pushed away from my body so I could strip clothes off his delicious body.
Pulled away from him, blinking lazily I glanced at Daryl from under my lashes. His thin lips were red and swollen from the kiss we shared, and his pupils were dilated so hard that it was hard to find his bright blue in them. He pushed the winged vest from his shoulders, letting it land on the floor, the dirty shirt quickly following, giving me an unrestricted view of his beautifully defined chest. Before I could touch him, with fingers inches away from the dusting of dark hair, his hands wrapped around my wrists, pressing them down to the table.
"I thought, I ain't gonna see ya again, when ya drove off with 'im," Daryl grunted, his grip tightening. I strained against the hold, and wiggled but that only made him chuckle darkly before he released me.
"And what about you?" I grunted as Daryl reached behind my back, unclasping my bra. His lips went immediately to the hard nub, sucking and nipping, lapping at my nipple as if he was starving. Arching my back, I momentarily forgot what I was saying. "You rode off... uh... into su-nset. And when yooou, oooh..."
Daryl lifted his face, his eyes drilling into mine, sparkling for the first time in a while. "I what? Whatcha ya sayin' Princess?" Calloused hands drifted down, skimping over my breast and down my stomach, stopping at the single button of my jeans.
His grip on my wrists loosened, and I used the fact he was distracted to free myself. Pressing my knees together I pushed him away and got to my feet.
"You got out of that van," I undid my button, and pushed my pants down, slowly shimming out of them, "all bloody, and bruised, shivering." Walking slowly towards him, I pushed him gently towards the coach. "And then I saw..."
Daryl wrapped his arm around me, and suddenly my plan of leading this encounter disappeared, when he lowered me down, pinning me down with his own body. "Ya saw what?"
Inhaling deeply I couldn't stop the loud moan, when he cupped me through the panties, rubbing slow circles around my hard and pulsing clit.
"I... I... saw your e-eyes..." I traced my hands down his chest to his pants, pulling impatiently at his belt, trying to push them down, "when he... uh... played with Rosita. You were ready to jump him."
Daryl growled and suddenly he was pushing my panties aside and sinking deeply into me.
Arching up I moaned and my breath caught in my throat, wrapping my legs around Daryl's hips I pulled him down for a fevered kiss. Licking and sucking in his lower lip I shivered with every push. I drank Daryl's grunts, my nails digging into his shoulders, feeling strong lines of muscles under my palms.
One strong arm sneaked under me, lifting my ass, changing the angle so his thickness dragged over that spongy spot inside me, making me see stars. The other hand cupped the back of my head, tangling in my locks and gripping it tightly.
"I was... uh... gonna kill 'im."
Matching his rhythm I met him push by push. "And then... oh... you'd die."
His jaw clenched, pressure on my scalp tightened as he made me look at him and his hand kept bruising my ass. The next push of his hips was quick and hard, Daryl buried himself all the way in and stayed like that. "Ya went with the prick..." Snap, "uh... to that fuckin' RV." Snap, "Ya saved the day, b-but all this time I thought ya ain't comin' back."
With relentless pace Daryl rutted into me, making me forget what we were talking about.
Pleasure built inside me, and sweat formed on my body. I pulled him tighter to me, scratching his scalp and reaching up for his lips.
There in his arms, I felt closer to Daryl than I did in a few weeks. His warmth wrapped around me, his touch spared every nerve in my body and his musky smell surrounded me. With the next push my world exploded, and I shuttered in the arms of the love of my life, clenching and moaning. Low grunt and growl vibrated in Daryl's chest and I felt his seed spilling inside me, my walls milking him of everything he had.
Panting, I opened my eyes to look at him and saw bright blue, staring right at me. I smiled and felt tears slowly rolling down my cheeks. Reaching out I gently touched his bruised cheek, drinking in every single detail of his handsome face.
Daryl eased himself out of me, and laid beside me silently, brows furrowed.
"Daryl, I... I can't promise you that I won't do shit like this again. I can't. Just like I know you can't promise me you won't react in anger when you see someone kill one of us, or hurt. I get that," it wasn't easy to try to explain all of this. Not when he looked at me with those hurt eyes, and while I had been leaking tears.
"El, I get-"
"No, please. Let me... let me try to explain it." I sighed heavily and wiped my cheeks, lying down on my back. "We killed his teams, we opposed. And then he staged all this fucking shit in the woods. It doesn't matter that you took off and they caught you. They were blocking our every route. Every single one, Daryl. They were waiting, must've figured out where we were, and were waiting for us."
Daryl sighed, and rubbed his face, "I know, El. I just... Should've been smarter about it. But I just... I fuckin' killed her, El. Me."
"Oh, Daryl. No. That was Dwight. And only because of Negan." I reached out and squeezed his hand. "He had us. And there was no way out of this. The second they surrounded us I knew that. And it might feel like I played hero or... whatever, but all I did was use my past knowledge to manipulate him. He was a narcissist and I played on it."
"I was gonna kill 'im," Daryl huffed, gripping my hand tightly.
"I know." I laughed and cried, choking for a second. "Fuck. I saw that look on your face, and... I saw it in my head, you know. You decking him, and those pricks holding you, all of us, while he beats the shit out of you with that stupid bat. and when Ne... he, when he made me go with them, I knew this was my only opportunity."
Daryl pulled me to him, burying his face in my hair, shaking. "Ya went, 'nd we all fuckin' stayed there. All I could think of was ya dead somewhere, 'nd prick laughing. 'Nd I couldn't do shit."
"I love you. So much. I'm sorry. But I won't apologize for stopping you and going with him. I had to stop you. I had to," I mumbled into his chest, "if I didn't he'd kill you, or one of us. So I had to. And there was no getting out of him taking me along. If Rick or I would say something, disagree, or protest he would kill more of us."
"I know," Daryl pressed me tighter to his chest, running his hand slowly over my back. "I know, Princess. Just... felt so fuckin' useless."
"Big Boy... I... I wouldn't stop you if I knew we would have a chance to just fight it off. Rick was... broken, Maggie was hurt, and Red... God, Red..."
Shaking, I pressed myself closer to him, seeking his warmth.
"I love ya, Princess," he murmured.
Pulling away for a second I looked him right in the eye, pinching his side hard.
"Hey!"
"Don't you dare pull a stunt like that again, Daryl Dixon!" I swatted him in the chest until he caught my wrist. "No more silent fucking treatment. We fight, we talk, we communicate in any fucking way we know, but no more silence. I can't stand this. And Lucy deserves better!"
His eyes softened, and he pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. "I'm sorry."
"I love you too, Big Boy. Always."
