Chapter 2 - I'm Pregnant

The next morning Ben shakes me awake.

"They've been to our families, we can have visitors from next week but they packed us each a bag." He explains.

I look up and see he is holding a suitcase. A suitcase Zeke bought to go on our honeymoon. That thought almost brings me to tears but I remind myself of the promise I made to myself last night in the shower.

Ben hands me the suitcase and I open it. It is filled with my clothes. I carefully take them out and set them on my bed.

At the bottom of the suitcase are two framed photos. A photo of our family, taken just after Eden was returned to us. And a photo of Zeke and me at our wedding. It's my favourite photo. We are holding each other close and we look like we are in our own world. I lift this photo gently. I can't help the tear that slips down my face.

I stare at the photo for a while then set it on my bed side table and go back to the suitcase. I am about to set it down when I see a glint of gold.

I reach for it and realise it's Zeke's wedding band. I can't help the tears that flow freely now. I lift the band and see its attached to a gold chain.

"Thank you Olive." I mumble, holding the chain close to me and then tying it around my neck. I know it was Olive who realised this would be something I would want. Something I would need.

"I spoke to Vance." Ben says, "he checked in with the kids. They're ok. He's helping them. He's been in touch with Zeke's parents, explained what happened as best as he could. They're organising the funeral."

The tears are coming faster now and I can feel myself loosing control. I take a deep breath and remind myself I need to stay calm, not for me but for our baby. I need to do that, for Zeke.

"When can I speak to him?" I ask. I need to get to Zeke's funeral. I know Vance is the only one who can help me with that.

"Vance has convinced the lady in charge, Zimmer, that Saanvi needs to do medicals on everyone here. We are in block A so we will go first. You'll be called out today. Vance will meet you in your medical." Ben explains to me.

I wait all day to be called. I watch as person after person is removed. They all come back with ID bracelets they have to scan as they enter the room. I anxiously wonder what else they are doing to them.

Ben goes before me.

He comes back in about 20 minutes, slightly longer than the rest.

He comes straight to me after he scans his ID badge.

"It's ok." He tells me, "its nothing invasive. And its Saanvi she won't hurt you." He pauses, "or the baby."

I nod and look at his ID badge.

"Just a bracelet with a chip as far as I can tell."

I expect to be called next. This seems to be happening in alphabetical order from our surnames when I'm not I shoot Ben a worried look.

"Don't worry." Ben assures me, "Saanvi is saving you for last so she can do a more thorough examination."

Eventually, I'm called out. I'm led down a corridor to a medical bay. No one is there when I arrive so I sit on the bed and wait for Saanvi to get there.

Saanvi arrives a few minutes later with Vance on her tail.

"Vance!" I jump into speech, "I need you to get me out of here. I need to see Zeke and I need to plan and I need to be there." I can't bring myself to say the word funeral but I hope he knows what I mean.

"Slow down Michaela." Vance holds his hand out for me to stop, "Zeke's parents are sorting everything out. The funeral will be Friday. I am seeing what I can do to get you out or you and Ben out for the morning but its not looking good so far."

"I have to be there." I plead.

"There's only so much I can do." Vance says, "I'm trying but I don't call the shots around here."

Before I can argue Saanvi cuts in, "I need to do some routine tests first and then we have an ultrasound we can use to look at the baby."

I feel like ignoring her and continuing to argue with Vance, but Vance just nods at me and leaves and I don't try to make him stay.

Saanvi records a long list of things. I mainly ignore her unless she's telling me to do something like take a deep breath.

Eventually she smiles at me, "ok, you look healthy but lets take a look at this baby then." She leads me towards the bed to lie down.

I take a deep breath and lie back. I move my clothes out of the way while Saanvi gets the ultra sound machine ready. It was taking everything in me to not break down at the moment. Zeke should be here for this moment. For our first ultrasound. All I can think of is that this is my first 'first' of many without him. I can barely hear Saanvi and have to focus on what she is saying.

"Sorry, what?" I ask her trying to force a smile. I don't think it was very successful.

"This is going to be cold." Saanvi tells me showing me some gel, "I'm going to squirt it over your stomach, ok?"

I nod my ok.

Saanvi squirts the gel onto my stomach. It is cold. She takes the wand and holds it over my stomach.

"If you aren't far along we might not see much, ok? Don't let it worry you if we don't hear a heart beat straight away."

My heart was already picking up, did Saanvi think something was wrong? Is that what she was preparing me for?

As soon as she placed the wand against my lower stomach and moved it the room was filled with a strong, fast heartbeat.

My mind was suddenly blank. All I could do was stare at Saanvi, "is that..?" I trail off as I ask Saanvi. She looks worried.

"What's wrong?" I ask urgently.

She doesn't answer me, she's moving the wand and staring intently at the screen.

"What is it?" I ask again, louder, stronger, I'm staring at the screen too but I can't make anything out. It's grey and grainy.

Saanvi finally looks at me, "this isn't my field." She says.

"Please Saanvi, you're scaring me. Is there something wrong with my baby." I couldn't take it. I couldn't loose this baby so soon after I lost Zeke, I wouldn't survive.

"The babies seem to be healthy. I think you're further along than I thought. How you aren't showing yet I don't know."

"So everything is ok." My mind is flooded with relief at the word healthy.

"Yes, but Michaela, there are two babies, two heartbeats. It looks like you are having twins!"

I can't think. I can't speak. The word twins echoes in my mind.

"Michaela, did you hear me?" Saanvi asks cautiously. I realise I am just staring into space.

"I heard." I tell her, still trying to wrap my head around it.

"It looks like you are about 17 weeks along. Further than I would have thought."

"4 months?" I'm surprised by this, "I missed the first trimester?"

"Yes." Saanvi laughs, "It seems you did."

Saanvi then goes back to the ultrasound, "I'll look at baby A first." She starts listing of features but I can't listen.

I'm starting to panic. I can't be a mother to twins. I remember Olive and Cal when they were newborn. They were a lot of work. Grace had Ben and our whole family. My mum was there. She wasn't locked in a detention centre.

My panicking is cut off with a sudden thought, 'Smell the flowers, blow out the candles'. The thought caught me off guard. It's what Zeke would say right now. Suddenly I feel calmer.

Calm enough to hear Saanvi I hear her ask me, "Do you want to know the gender?"

"Can you tell?" I didn't expect to be able to tell yet.

"I think so." She nods, "this isn't my area of expertise but they are big enough for sure."

I hadn't considered if I wanted to know the gender. What would Zeke do? I think he'd find out. He'd tell me that more information on our babies wouldn't do us any harm. He'd want to make me smile.

I nod at Saanvi, I don't trust my voice right now.

"Ok," she says, "Baby A is a girl."

"A girl." I repeat. Zeke's girl I think.

"Lets have a look at Baby B now." She says. I'm distracted by the fact I'm going to have a daughter.

It takes her a few minutes to check that my second baby is developing properly, then she says, "and we seem to have a little boy too!" I can hear her smile without looking at her too.

I smile too, "a girl and a boy. Like Cal and Olive."

"Quite a coincidence." Saanvi agrees.

Slowly we wrap up our appointment and I make my way back to our living quarters. Saanvi tells me that I should expect to start showing very soon.

Ben is waiting for me when I get back. I don't say anything to him and he follows me into my room.

"I'm 17 weeks with twins." I tell him sitting on my bed.

Ben takes a step back, I can tell I've surprised him.

I tell him the rest of the details of my check up. Ben spends the rest of the evening in my room, promising me that he will be with me every step of the way. I appreciate Ben more than anything but it makes me sad that he'll play such a large role in this process.

The next day as we are leaving lunch Jared comes up to me with a grim look on his face, "We need to speak to you." He tells me. He looks upset.

I follow him down several corridors and into a conference room. Drea is in there alone.

"What's wrong?" I ask as soon ass Jared shuts the door behind me.

"Sit down Mick." He says to me.

I sit down opposite Drea. Jared takes the seat next to me.

Jared reaches over and takes my hand in his, "They're not letting you out for the funeral. No passengers are being let out for any reason."

I pull my hand away from him and jump to my feel, "No!" I shout, "I have to go." I feel myself getting hysterical, "I can't miss my husbands funeral. I can't!"

"I'm so sorry," Drea says, she sounds upset, "We tried but Zimmer is harsh. She doesn't care about the passengers at all."

I start to pace the room with tears streaming down my face, "I can't do any of this. It's too much."

Jared and Drea don't speak. There isn't anything they can say.

"You need to do something." I look them both in the eyes, pleading with them.

"We tried." Jared promises me.

"Well try harder." I snap back, "I'm pregnant. I need to be at his funeral." I shout in a panic

Drea rushed to me, "You're pregnant?" She asks, pulling me into a hug. I let her hug me. I need the hug more than I knew.

She pulled back and looked me in the eye, "You and your baby will always have Zeke. A funeral isn't going to change anything. You'll still have his love."

I nod because I know she's right, "babies." I correct her, "its twins."

"Wow." Drea's eyes widened in surprise, "you're going to be the best mother. I just know it."

I didn't think she was right but I thanked her anyway.

Suddenly I was pulled into a calling. All I could see were three figures. They were laughing and holding hands in a tight circle with sombreros on.

I gasp as I'm released from the calling, "Jared!" I say, "I just had a calling! Three amigas."

"Three amigas?" He asks me.

"Our symbol. Lourdes used to draw it for me and Evie. She's the only one who could draw. You must remember it. We were going to get it tattooed before everything happened." I couldn't bring myself to say before Evie died. Before I killed her.

"I remember. Why is it in a calling?" Jared corrects himself.

"I don't know." I shake my head. This is the first calling I've had since Zeke, "it can't be about us three. Can it?" I'm thinking of Lourdes and Evie. Evie is dead and I haven't talked to Lourdes for years.

All I know is that I have to solve this calling. The life boat and my babies lives depend on it.

"I need to speak to Ben about this." I say standing up.

Drea and Jared exchange a look, "I'll walk her back." Jared says.

Jared and I walk back in silence. Just before we get there Jared stops me. "Congratulations Mick," he surprises me by pulling me into a hug, "Really. I always knew you'd be a good mother."

"Thanks Jay." I mumble. I can feel the tears coming back. I pull away and leave Jared in the corridor.

Ben meets me as soon as I return, "What did Jared want?" He asks me concerned.

"I can't go to Zeke's funeral." I can't help the tears that fall as I tell Ben.

Ben pulls a face, I know he struggles with being so helpless, he pulls me into a hug.

"That's not all." I pull away from him, "I had a calling." I tell him about my calling in as much detail as I can.

"You don't think its about Evie and Lourdes do you? Evie's dead and I haven't seen Lourdes in years."

"I don't know. Maybe. I think its more likely its about you and the babies. A group of three. What does the symbol mean to you?"

"It means Evie, Lourdes and me." I answer confused, he knew that.

"No beyond that. Does it just mean you are friends? What does it mean?"

I think about it. "Evie would always say it represented us three staying close for ever." I remember. I suddenly feel overwhelming guilt. I killed Evie and now I don't speak to Lourdes.

"Ok, maybe that's it. Maybe you have to stay close."

"With my babies?" I ask confused my hand going to my stomach, "how can I get closer than this?"

"Let me think about it."

"Ben," I say urgently, "we need to solve as many callings as possible. I can't drown in this lifeboat and leave my children without either of their parents."

"I know." Ben nods, "I've been speaking to as many people as possible. Most people have agreed to let me know when they have a calling. I've been helping people with as many as possible but its hard to solve callings in here."

"I know. Let me help."

Ben agrees.

When I get back to my room I'm drawn to Zeke's picture.

In the privacy of my room I let myself cry, looking at his face in black and white I mutter, "this is all such a mess."

Suddenly there is a blinding white light.

"Hey beautiful, please don't cry." Comes Zeke's voice, soft and calm.

I jump to my feet. Zeke is standing at the bottom of my bed in a bright white light.

I rush to him, "Zeke!" I say. He smiles at me.

A small smile creeps onto my face too, "Am I loosing my mind or an I dead right now?" I ask him.

"Neither." He tells me, "I miss waking up to that smile."

"I miss everything about you." I admit, tears taking over as they so often did these days.

"Even my wet towels on the floor?" He tries to make me laugh.

It works, I nod, "everything." I tell him.

"Zeke, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I was just wrapping my head around it and then we had so much going on. It feels so silly now. I'm pregnant Zeke. With twins. I know I said I never wanted this but I do now. I want them. But I need you. I need you here with me. I can't do this alone."

Zeke looks pained, "I'm so sorry I can't be there with you. You have to know I want nothing more than to hold you right now. To be with you through every step of the way. But I know you can do this. You Michaela Stone can do anything. You're superwoman. We will always be connected. We are connecting right now. You'll always have me. I love you and our little ones so much."

"I love you so completely." I tell him.

"I love you with everything I am. Everything I've ever been and everything I will ever be." He tells me slowly, emphasising each word, "you are my whole world. I know its hard, my love, but you can do this. You can do all of this."

I'm about to respond when the call for dinner comes. Just as suddenly as he appeared, he disappears.

"Zeke!" I gasp reaching forward for him. I feel an emptiness now that he's been taken away from me again.

I feel like curling up in my bed and skipping dinner but I remember my promise to myself to look after myself so that I would look after my babies.

I take a second to gather myself. My arms go around my stomach, "Your father and I love you two so much." I whisper to my babies. The pain inside me almost breaks me but I force myself to go to the canteen and eat my dinner.