Another Life

Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to SM.

Glitching

Jacob wasn't gone for long. He knelt in front of Bella and caught her hand and held it to his face.

"How are you feeling? Are you okay?"

"Don't worry about me." Bella replied. "I'm fine."

Jacob looked at her in concern, clearly not believing a word of it. Bella noticed the brief glint of sadness reflected in his dark eyes, which he quickly tried to hide. It caught her off guard, and she was left wondering what this meant.

"I'll go get your truck and then take you home-Charlie will probably be back from work by the time we get there."

"Yes… Charlie." Bella echoed faintly. "Right."

Seeing her father again, even if it was something she was conjuring up in her delusional mind, was going to hurt. She tried not to imagine his despair when he found out the truth of her reckless actions. He would be the one who would have to identify her body when her lifeless form was eventually pulled out of the frigid water….

Bella couldn't let herself complete the thought. She scrunched her eyes shut, once again lamenting the stupidity of her actions. If only she could turn back time.

If only....

Bella's ears were flooded with the freezing water, but Edward's voice was clearer than ever. She ignored his words and concentrated on the sound of his voice. There was no reason to fight when she was so happy where she was. Even as her lungs burned for more air and her legs cramped in the icy cold, she was content. She had forgotten what real happiness felt like.

Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable.

The current won at that moment, shoving her against something hard, a rock, invisible in the gloom. It hit her solidly across the chest, slamming into her like an iron bar, and the breath whooshed out of her lungs, escaping in a thick cloud of silver bubbles. Water flooded down her throat, choking and burning. The iron bar seemed to be dragging her, pulling her away from Edward, deeper into the dark, to the ocean floor.

This was it. This was the moment when it was all over.

"Bella! Bella! Bells, honey, wake up!"

The sound of Jacob's frantic pleading finally pierced Bella's consciousness She awoke with a start, a scream muffled in her throat. She stared up into his anxious face, her breath coming hard and fast.

"What happened?" She gasped.

"You dozed off when I left to get your truck. You were mumbling and crying in your sleep." Jacob explained. His eyes tightened at the corners, clearly disturbed by her strange behavior.

"I'm sorry." Bella mumbled listlessly. "I'm fine now."

She turned her head away, feeling embarrassed that he had seen her at such a low point, which was odd, as this whole scenario had been conjured up in her addled mind as the life slowly drained out of her. She wondered how much longer her brain would be able to function before it finally glitched and died.

Jacob didn't seem convinced that she was fine, however he didn't remark on it. Instead, he helped her up from the couch without speaking, keeping his arm around her shoulders when the cold air outside made her shiver. The sun was gone completely now, hidden by black clouds. A storm was coming in. He took the driver's seat without asking, and then pulled Bella next to his side to keep his arm tight around her. She leaned her head gratefully against his chest. It was strange that she could feel the incredible heat rolling off his fevered skin when he was only a figment of her imagination. He felt so real.

"How will you get home?" She asked.

Jacob glanced down at her in confusion. "I'm not going home, Bells. You invited me for dinner."

Bella's brow puckered in confusion. "I did?"

"You don't remember?" Jacob's tone was full of resignation.

Bella's next shudder had nothing to do with the cold.

It was a quiet ride after that. The cold air had woken her up. Her mind felt more alert, and it was working very hard and very fast.

What if? What was the right thing to do?

It was hard for Bella to imagine life without Jacob now- she cringed away from the idea of even contemplating it. She was convinced that's why her oxygen starved brain was stuck in this weird loop, cushioning her from the reality of her own death. She wondered how much longer it would last.

On the journey home Bella thought about how Jacob had become so essential to her survival. She remembered wishing he was her brother. She realized now that was all nonsense. What she really wanted was to stake a claim on him. It didn't feel brotherly when he held her like this. It just felt nice-warm and comforting and familiar. Safe. Jacob was her safe harbor. A safe harbor in the way Edward never had been.

If she hadn't been so reckless, so selfish, and so stupid, she could have staked a claim. Even with her life ebbing away, her brain was pushing her in that direction. It was odd how the mind could play such cruel tricks on a person at the end of everything.

Still, Bella considered, she could stake a claim. Here. Now. In this fake reality she had conjured for herself, that much was within her power. Here she had control.

Of course, she would have to tell Jacob everything. She knew that. It was the only way to be fair. She would have to explain it right, so that he'd know she wasn't settling, that he was much too good for her. He already knew she was broken, that wouldn't surprise him, but he'd need to know the extent of it. She'd even have to admit she was crazy-explain about the voices she heard.

God, when it was laid bare like that, she really was insane! All this painful introspection was not good for her mental health. Too late now!

Still, painful as it was, it was kind of relieving too. Jacob would need to know everything before he decided. Bella put it to the back of her mind, that in this delusion, she was the one making up his mind for him as she was the one controlling everything. She brushed that aside just like everything else, sinking into the pretense that Jacob really did have a say.

But, even in this fantasy life she was wallowing in, she recognized that Jacob would still take her despite all the craziness. He wouldn't even pause to think it through, or consider the consequences, or the long-term emotional impact it might have on him.

Bella knew she would need to commit to this-commit as much as of her as there was left, every one of the broken pieces. It was the only way to be fair to Jacob.

She barely took notice of the stray thought that pointed out that she was becoming fixated on this reality, that she was growing increasingly comfortable, and that it would be even more painful when it was wrenched away from her. She closed her eyes to it, blocked it out. She would cling to the wreckage of her delusion until the blackness set in.

All Bella could think about was making Jacob happy. For she did love him. Even if that love was a weak echo of what she was capable of, even if her weary heart would never be able to fully function, what was left of it would be safe in his hands.

Jacob stopped the truck in front of Bella's dark house. She had been so lost in her own head; she hadn't realized that they were already in Forks. He cut the engine so it was suddenly silent. Like so many other times, he seemed in tune with her thoughts. He threw his other arm around her, crushing her against his chest, binding her to him. Again, it felt nice. She almost felt like a whole person again.

"I'm trying, Bella." Jacob's tone was apologetic as he spoke. "Sorry, I know I shouldn't push you so hard to remember. I swear I don't mind when you forget. I'm just so glad that you let me spend time with you, so glad that it makes me want to sing-and that's something no one wants to hear." His deep laughter rumbled in her ear.

Bella's breathing kicked up a notch, confusion setting in again. What did he mean by that? What was she supposed to remember? What was it that she had forgotten? None of this made sense. She was supposed to be in control of this delusion. Jacob was straying from the script.

"I don't get what you mean?" She mumbled.

Jacob let out a gusty sigh. "It doesn't matter, Bella, honey. Just relax. There's no pressure."

"How can I when you say such odd things?"

"Hush, don't let it trouble you. You need to keep calm." Jacob said soothingly. "The episodes get worse when you're stressed."

"Huh?"

"Its okay." Jacob's tone was so reassuring. He was running his fingers over the back of her head, his touch gentle, calming. "You don't need to worry about a thing."

His voice was deep, husky, almost hypnotic. Bella felt her mind wandering again, drifting, drifting….

"Keep swimming!" Edward's voice begged urgently in her head.

Where? There was nothing but darkness. There was no place to swim to.

"Stop that!" He ordered. "Don't you dare give up!"

The cold of the water was numbing her arms and legs. Bella didn't feel the buffeting as much as before. It was more just a dizziness now, a helpless spinning in the water.

It was the feeling of Jacob resting his warm cheek against the top of Bella's hair that drove the dark memory of drowning away, sucking her back into the safety of the delusional little bubble she had created. She fought hard mentally to stay there.

If she turned her face to the side-if she pressed her lips against his bare shoulder…she knew without doubt what would follow. It would be very easy. It would help blot out the harsh, cold reality of her impending death. She owed it to herself to try. There would be no need for explanations.

But could she do it? Could she find the courage to make the move to save what was left of her pathetic life? It would be her only chance. Her only chance before…before…

Butterflies assaulted her stomach as she thought about turning her head.

Do it Bella! Just do it, girl!

And then she froze as Edward's voice invaded her mind again…

"Fight" He yelled. "Damn it, Bella, keep fighting!"

Why?

Jacob felt her stiffen and released her automatically, reaching for the door. Bella's skin went cold with the loss of his warmth. She whimpered, reaching out to him. Wait, she wanted to say. Just a minute. But she was still locked in place, the echo of Edward's voice in her head. Her death was imminent. The thought made tears form in her eyes. She wasn't ready, she wanted more time, time to explore what could have been, even if it was only in her fevered imagination…

Storm cooled air blew through the cab of the truck.

Jacob paused, glancing back at her, a sadness so deep reflected in the dark pools of his eyes that it literally took her breath away. He quickly deflected, the corners of his lips pulling up into a smile, so fake, it did little to ease her anxiety.

The blood rushed from Bella's head and left her dizzy. Something was going on here that she didn't understand. She felt like her life had split in two. She had jumped from the cliff, drowning in the ferocious waves, now she felt like she was drowning in her own mind. Its functionality glitching like a badly written computer program battling an insidious virus.

"Jacob, tell me what's real?" Bella cried desperately.

She felt scattered and unfocused, her primitive fears hijacking her ability for logical analysis, causing her higher brain to produce a plethora of paranoid ideas that sounded so plausible in her distressed state that she failed to see them for what they were. And so, in her panic, the wild conspiracy theories exploded into outright paranoia.

The breath whooshed out of Jacob like he had been punched in the gut. His hands began shaking a little. He clenched them into fists, while his eyes tightened at the corners as he deliberated if to answer her desperate plea.

"I don't know the right thing to do." He muttered, as if talking to himself. He looked down at her for a split second, taking in her tormented eyes and white face. "Its not like you'll remember anyway."

Bella felt suddenly cold all over. "I jumped off the cliff. We were supposed to do it together, but you got delayed. So, I went ahead without you. And now I'm drowning – "

"Stop, Bella!" Jacob cut in, turning away from her, and closing his eyes. It looked to Bella like he was counting to ten in his head, because at that exact length of time his eyes opened again. He stared at her, concentrating hard on her face. "You're not drowning. You're right here. With me. Right now."

"But I – "Bella's protests fell on deaf ears as he pulled the keys out of the ignition and slammed the door shut. Bewildered by his strong reaction, Bella slid out of the truck, chasing him as he marched down the street away from her. "Jacob, I'm trying to tell you what happened. Will you please stop walking away from me?"

Jacob halted, glancing over his shoulder at her, his expression pained. "I don't know what you want from me, Bella. It always comes back to this."

"Then explain it to me." Bella pleaded in a small voice. "I jumped off the cliff. I did. None of this is real…. it's all in my head…you're not real. I'm – I'm dying, Jacob. I'm dying." Her voice cracked at the end in her overwhelming despair.

A small tremor rocked Jacob's frame at her words, before he managed to compose his features into a calm mask. "The feelings will pass, Bella, honey. You'll forget and it will all go away. I promise. The episodes are getting fewer and far between now."

Bella shook her head frantically, trying to clear it, trying to understand the message he was sending her. She closed her eyes, pressing them tight together, her hands curled into fists on her aching temples.

Minutes later, when she opened her eyes, she found herself once again standing at the edge of the cliff, everything that had happened in the last few hours forgotten. She looked down. The ocean sounded very far away.

Bella grimaced when she thought about the possible temperature of the water. But, still, she wasn't going to let that stop her. The wind blew stronger now, whipping the rain into eddies around her. She stepped out onto the edge, keeping her eyes on the empty space in front of her. Her toes felt ahead blindly, caressing the edge of the rock when they encountered it. She drew in a deep breath and held it…waiting.

"Bella."

There it was. His voice.

She smiled and exhaled….

A/N-thanks for reading! Still confused? Hit me with your theories. I'd love to know what you think if you have the time.