Nao swears she usually isn't that much of an idiot.

Anathème

quatre.

| you ask me what i'm thinking about, i'll tell you that i'm thinking about

whatever you're thinking about |

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"Nao-chan…" Misa starts with, concern on her pretty, lovely face. "Nao-chan doesn't look so well."

Nao snorts, un-lady-like, and thinks that's an understatement.

She knows what she looks like and she looks like shit. Mello had commented on it that morning before she left and she'd merely ignored him and told him to eat breakfast.

Her body aches from sleeping in a hotel bed, because they are back to hotels now. Her parents may be charitable and welcoming, but she wouldn't put them through dealing with four geniuses when one is already plenty of work.

"I haven't been sleeping well." She offers and knows that's not exactly the truth. She hasn't been sleeping well for a year now, vivid dreams waking her up in the middle of the night, dreams of her and Light happily married and content with her life – but that's all they are, dreams and she'd never share them with Misa.

She doesn't even know how she'd start that conversation.

Misa doesn't roll her eyes, but she looks like she wants to. The blonde's eyes are duller than before and the color has faded, a small price to pay for her sight restored, but there's still a spark in there and right now she is concerned, concerned about her stupid friend and her stupid life choices.

"I mean that Nao-chan looks a bit ill." And the blonde ex-model crosses her fingers on the table, obviously going for a serious conversation. "Nao-chan's forehead is sweaty and she looks like she's about to collapse."

Nao has no words for it. She doesn't have a fever, but she has been unbearably hot and then freezing cold in seconds for a few days. And there's the nausea at random intervals and then hunger that makes it impossible to do anything.

"And Nao-chan hasn't touched her plate." Misa continues, pointing at her uneaten lunch. "Misa-chan knows how much Nao-chan likes the chicken here, that's why she chose this restaurant."

Misa Amane turns out to be such a good friend that Nao's lost for words. You can see the blonde cares deeply for her and it makes Nao even more sheepish that she dreams of having sex with Light.

Nao sighs and then places her hands on the table to steady herself. With Light, it's easy to talk, it always has been. He doesn't offer judgement and only comments on what she wants, leaving out personal opinions. Light speaks in facts and observations.

Misa is sentimental, concerned, but, like a mother, she judges and offers her opinions, even if you don't want to hear it and Nao – Nao doesn't want to hear it, because she knows –

Those cases, the stress, the work, her lack of happiness, it's getting to her. They found a third body, a third child, dead, drowned and she still doesn't know what it means, no one knows what it means and they'll find another one and another because no one has answers and she is just so tired.

"I'll be fine." Misa's eyes narrow. "I'm not fine now, but I'll be fine eventually, when this case wraps up, when –"

"When you come home." The blonde cuts her off with and, for once, she isn't talking in third person, which again catches Nao off. "I know people think Misa-chan is not smart, that she isn't observant, but she is."

Nao wants to protest, but the blonde is shaking her head.

"Nao-chan is not happy, she was not happy when she left for England four years ago, she wasn't happy when she came back to Japan to visit and she was even less happy when she had to go back after her visits."

No, she was not, but –

"Misa knows that love is very important." Misa sighs, because she clearly knows. "But love is about acceptance, just like Misa accepts that Light-kun will never truly love her, not as much as she loves him anyways."

Nao can only blink in response.

"But Nao-chan isn't selfless, she is just passive and Ryuzaki-san may love her, but if she doesn't say what she wants, than she'll always be unhappy." The blonde tilts her head to the side. "Nao-chan needs to come home, she wants to come home, but if she doesn't ask for it Ryuzaki-san will never know."

"I…" But Nao has no words. There's something stuck in her throat, a spasm that runs through her entire body and the nausea makes it hard to look at the food on the table.

"It's fine, Nao-chan, if you're not hungry, I'll order some tea to go and I'll drive you to the NPA building." God, has Misa Amane always been so, so –

"Thank you." The blonde nods her head, the seriousness gone and she waves at the waiter with a friendly gesture, asks him for to-go boxes and some green tea in carboard cups.

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She throws up the few bites of lunch and the tea as soon as she reaches the women's bathroom. It's empty at least, the bathroom, since most people are back to work from their lunch breaks, so when she topples over and starts vomiting she can do it in peace.

Spasms run all over her body, sweat permeates her forehead and her hair and she grips the toilet bowl so hard she thinks she'll leave nail marks in the porcelain. Her knees hurt from the floor but, even after she's finished, she still doesn't move, just kneels there, pathetic, disgusted, pained.

It takes about ten minutes for her to be able to move and she makes her pitiful way to the sink, the water too cold and then too hot, but she doesn't care. She swallows a bit and spits it out in the sink, the taste in her mouth dull, but still bothersome.

It's when she's splashing water on her face and drying it with a brown paper towel that she takes a good look at her reflection.

"Get a grip." She tells herself, straightening her back and opening her eyes wide, drying out unshed tears from the throwing up.

She's fine, she'll be fine, she's always been fine. She needs some sleep, some rest, when she has that, everything will start to make sense again and she can go back to being her passive, unbothered self.

(but she's fraying at the edges and it has nothing to do with this case, or the one before or the one before, no, this started a long time ago, more than five years ago, when she found a phone on the ground and decided to pick it up, playing with faith and ending up right here)

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"Everything alright?" Light asks her, blinking. "You just ran for the bathroom."

"I'm fine. Do you have some mints?" He blinks at her once, twice and then reaches for his pockets. It's not mints, but gum and she takes a piece, pops it in her mouth.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, Light." She waves her hand dismissively, chewing. "Probably just something I ate that didn't sit well."

He pushes a hand on her forehead anyways, ignoring everything she says. His touch is cool and she closes her eyes. His hand is soft and he leaves it there a few seconds, frowning a bit.

"You're warm, maybe you have a cold." She opens her eyes slowly. "I think I should take you home for the day."

She opens her mouth to say she's fine, but his eyes narrow and he gives her that look, the same one he'd used when they were still in university and she would pull all-nighters and almost pass out from walking home after school.

"I'll drive you and stop for some medicine on the way." He grabs her hand and it's still cool, cooler than hers at least and Nao wonders what it is about people and their concern today. She may look like a hot mess, but then she's been looking like this for years now and no one ever commented on it.

(but then Misa and Light, unlike the people she's been spending most of her time with for the last four years, have an understanding of basic human things, like how people act when they are sick or depressed, like emotions and symptoms and Nao thinks it's so weird that the two people in her life who were once accused of being murderers turned out to be the sane ones)

"And tomorrow, you'll see a doctor if you aren't feeling better." He adds, now that they are outside. People are walking past them and Nao feels like she's just being pulled, has had that feeling for years now.

She never sets the pace, only follows it. She's so good at following it.

Light opens the door of his car for her and then asks her for the address of the hotel, checking the GPS and finding four pharmacies near it. And then he whips out his phone from his pocket and Nao doesn't have to ask who he's calling.

"Your girlfriend is sick." He says with a roll of his eyes, starting the car. She doesn't hear the other end of the conversation, but she can guess it pretty well.

"Yes, I'll drive her and pick up medicine. Then you'll make sure she gets plenty of rest and fluids, make sure she eats something, even if it's just porridge or soup." He listens. "And then tomorrow you'll make sure she sees a doctor."

He's silent for a second and then adds; "I can't believe you let her out of the room this morning. You're a genius, aren't you, can't you recognize when your girlfriend has a cold." But the question is rhetorical and Light is annoyed and Nao –

Nao can only blink, she's been doing that a lot today.

He hangs up with a huff and grips the steering wheel like it insulted him. Nao doesn't know what to say so she keeps quiet, at some point leaning over the window, pushing her forehead on the glass.

Light doesn't say much, he doesn't say much as he drives, doesn't say much as he stops the car and goes inside the pharmacy, coming back ten minutes later with a white bag, doesn't say much as they pull up at the hotel.

"Thank you." She offers, because she thinks that if she reiterates that she's fine he'll strangle her.

He sighs, a long exhale.

"Take care of yourself and go see a doctor tomorrow." She nods her head and gets out of the car, raises her hand for a small wave. He stays parked to make sure she gets inside.

When she makes her way inside the room, suite, it's eerily quiet. She'd expected madness, a trio of geniuses arguing, making noise, playing, but it's simply quiet.

He's there, however, waiting for her. It takes him a second to look at her from the screen of his laptop, but when he notices her standing there, he pushes the laptop off his lap and taps the spot next to him on the couch.

She walks over and drops her body next to him, inhaling and exhaling. She feels –

"How are you feeling?" His question sounds rehearsed, like he's been repeating it in his head to make sure it comes out properly out of his mouth.

"I don't know." She just doesn't know anymore and she's never lied to him, would hardly start now. "Tired, sore."

"I've asked the maid for extra pillows and blankets. I also put Mello, Matt and Near in another room." She nods her head and must look pretty pitiful because he merely blinks at her, big, wide, black eyes and Nao –

He places a hand on her head. It's a bit clumsy because L and her, they aren't very good at displays of emotions that don't include taking off their clothes. But he does it anyways, clumsily, but he's trying and Nao thinks that maybe Misa was right, maybe Light is right, maybe she's been making herself miserable and she has no one to blame but herself.

He tries to pat her head, but the movement leaves her a tad unsettled. It's supposed to be nice, the person you love, have loved for five years now, playing with your hair, but it only makes her feel empty.

"I think I'll have a shower." She manages to push herself upwards even if it leaves stars behind her eyelids.

He stares at her, unblinking, for a second too long and she thinks she's hallucinating because he seems concerned, concerned with her and what is it with people and concern today.

"Very well." He blinks then and nods and she nods right back, disappearing in the bathroom.

When she comes out, pillows and blankets have appeared on the couch, and he's tapping the seat next to him with the TV remote and he's so sweet, so unlike him that Nao –

Nao wants to cry.

(how can she ask, how can she choose, she can't have both and both don't come together, he'd never permanently move to Japan and she can't follow him around the world, she never could)

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Nao comes out of the hospital in a daze.

She'd only gone because Light had threatened to leave work, drive all the way to the hotel and force her into the car (she's never been fond of hospitals, avoids them really) and since Light would and could do it, she had decided to be a grown up and go by herself –

The nurse had taken a look at her, had listened to her symptoms and then blinked a few times, before sending her a look as if she couldn't believe Nao hadn't figured it out by herself.

Symptoms; nausea, fatigue, food that she used to love suddenly made her sick, the rise of temperature, and the cravings, pains in her stomach, mood swings –

Nao swears she usually isn't that much of an idiot (especially since she remembers her period is late and how could she have missed it).

Tokyo streets buzz with people. Nao doesn't really know where she's going, just walks. She knows what she has now, what she is and somehow that doesn't make everything okay. They don't offer pills for what she has, no, usually the pill is before and it only works if you take it.

She's so out of it she doesn't notice someone following her.

(she thinks of blue and pink, thinks of what a child would look like, she hopes for the kid's sake that he takes after her side of the family)

a/n : I swear, I'll finish this story. Only one or two chapters left! I know it's depressing, I know it's sad and I know most people would assume L is the one with issues in a relationship, but I rather think he'd be really good at giving space and doing what his partner wants and Nao, well, no one can be this passive and not have issues. And she has some, a lot, she needs to work through them. Thank you for sticking with me, it's almost the end, you people are lovely. I hope you enjoyed, thanks for reading, hope you are safe and tell me what you thought. xoo