Chapter warnings: Grief, Loss, Existential Crisis, A talk about Life and Death
Haru stared into the mirror.
She placed a hand down on her head, trying to flatten her spiky hair.
But no matter what she did, her spiky hair bounced back up.
Haru ran a hand through her hair. She didn't have such spiky hair in her last life.
Wait…
Her hands weaved through a series of hand signs.
Transformation Jutsu!
As the jutsu's smoke cleared, Haru blinked at herself in the mirror.
She was taller now, being in a full-grown adult's body instead of a kid's.
And her hair…all neat and flat. Short and black.
As for her face…dark brown eyes and no whiskers to be seen.
Haru patted her cheeks with her hands.
It had been so long since…
…Was she even remembering what she looked like correctly?
Back then, she died at the age of twenty years old…
Haru sighed and rubbed her forehead. She didn't want to think about that anymore.
She shoved her hands into the pockets of her new clothing. She decided to transform with the cozy dark purple hoodie she used to wear.
She should head out to the grocery store to buy some more food.
"Excuse me, miss?"
Haru continued looking over the shelves of food.
A woman cleared her throat. "Miss?"
Haru finally turned around. "Wait." She pointed at herself. "Are you talking to me?"
The woman, a grocery store worker, nodded. "Yes, Miss."
Haru was shocked.
That grocery worker had been talking to her.
That was weird. Usually, the grocery store workers would avoid making eye contact with her.
Then Haru remembered. Oh yeah, she was still using the Transformation Jutsu. That explained it.
"Sorry, I didn't hear you earlier. I was too focused on looking at…" Haru gestured to the shelves of products. "...all this stuff."
The grocery worker laughed. "No worries, miss! Now is there anything I can help you with?"
Haru already knew her way around this grocery store like the back of her hand. She had to, just to get out quickly before anyone got violent with her. "No thank you, I'm all right."
The grocery store worker smiled and left Haru to her business.
So Haru bought all the things she needed without anyone glaring at her. When she finally got to the cashier, she was met with a bright smile and the friendly phrase "Thank you for coming! Have a great day!".
It had been so long since she heard those words…
It felt so good to be treated normally again.
To be respected as a human being.
Haru looked in the mirror.
A petite Asian woman stared back at her with dark brown eyes. She had neat short black hair and cheeks with spots of acne.
She was Hạnh or Harper Lê, a Vietnamese American woman who got extremely attached to Naruto and anime.
But it was just an illusion, wasn't it?
This was not her body. This was not who she was anymore.
Haru's lip trembled and her eyes watered.
Exhausting enough of her energy, the Transformation Jutsu finally dispelled.
And Harper Lê was back to being Kuzumaki Haruto.
A little girl with spiky black hair and red eyes.
–
"With that spiky black hair and red eyes, I almost thought you were an Uchiha!"
–
Haru shut her eyes and covered her ears to block out Shisui's voice.
No! No! No! She had to stop thinking about that! They were all dead and there was nothing she could've done!
Haru took deep breaths and opened her eyes again.
In the mirror, she saw three whiskers on each of her cheeks.
Kuzumaki Haruto. That was her name now.
That was who she was trapped as now.
Haru cried even harder and sank down to the floor.
She was not supposed to be here. She was not supposed to exist!
"I don't want this! I don't want this! What did I do to deserve this, huh?!"
Haru wrapped her arms around herself. "I want to go home! I want to go home!"
"I want my family! I want my friends!"
"I want my mom and dad!"
Haru didn't know how long she cried. But once she cried her throat hoarse, she could only manage a few sniffles.
Her face was wet and sticky with tears and snot. So she washed her face clean.
Stepping out of the bathroom, her foot stepped on something.
Haru looked down.
It was Momoko's letter.
It must've fallen down from her desk at some point.
Haru picked up the letter and it away into her pocket.
She needed to go outside and clear her head.
The cool air brushed against Haru's skin as she walked along the gravestones.
She stopped in front of two graves.
Kuzumaki and Takada…
Kenji and Momoko's graves.
Haru sat down silently in front of her parents' graves, wrapping her arms around her knees. She stared down sullenly at the graves.
Just what was she supposed to think of them? They had both died when she was a baby. She didn't remember a thing about them.
Haru traced her fingers over her parents' names engraved into the gravestones.
Just why was she born? Why did they have to have her?
What was the point if they were just going to die without being able to raise their daughter anyway?
Haru was left alone to deal with the fact that she wasn't an ordinary girl anymore, carrying the heavy burden of a grown woman's knowledge of the future. People would kill her for all the secrets she knew.
Her childhood died the moment her memories returned. The moment she realized that the villagers absolutely despised her existence.
And her parents (from this life and the last) weren't here to protect her. To give her a hug and tell her that everything would be all right.
They were all victims of some sick, cruel joke…
"Mah mah."
Haru jumped.
"Now what's a little kid doing out here all alone at night?"
Haru grabbed a kunai knife from her pants' equipment pocket and turned around.
Was that…Kakashi?
Kakashi raised his hands up in surrender. "Whoa! Whoa! It's all right. I'm not here to hurt you." He crouched down in front of Haru. "Are you ok? Are you lost? Where are your parents?"
Haru wondered…was Kakashi here visiting the graves of his father, Rin, and Obito?
She gestured to the graves. "My parents are right here, mister."
Kakashi's single eye widened. "Oh…I'm sorry."
Haru put her kunai knife away and shoved her hands into her pockets. "So what are you doing out here all alone at night, mister? Have you lost someone too?"
Kakashi went quiet.
Haru shifted uncomfortably. - Shit. Had she gotten too personal?
"...Several someones."
"…Sorry, mister."
Not wanting to meet Kakashi's gaze, Haru turned to look at her parents' graves and sat down.
Kakashi sat down next to Haru.
They sat together in silence.
Haru supposed that Kakashi couldn't just leave a young child alone all by herself. And neither of them was a particularly good talker.
Still…she didn't know whether to feel calm or terrified that a parent-aged adult was actually willing to be in her company for once.
"…My parents died when I was a baby." Haru found herself saying. "My dad died crushed by debris saving me and my mom. Then my mom defended me and died from health complications caused by the Kyuubi's chakra."
Once she was bursting with emotion, she couldn't stop.
"How am I supposed to miss people I've never even met? And yet, I don't really want to just let them go and forget them?" Haru trembled. "I'm awful, aren't I? What's up with me? I don't know what I'm feeling!"
Tears welled up in Haru's eyes. "After losing so much...why do we keep living?" She looked up at Kakashi, pleading for an answer.
Kakashi stared down at Haru silently with a mournful expression. He shut his eyes in thought. Then he sighed. "Your parents gave their lives to protect you, didn't they? It would be pretty disrespectful to your parents' memories if you just gave up now, right?"
Haru's lips wobbled. As her legs shook and she sank to the ground, Momoko's letter fell out of her pocket.
She gasped.
Kakashi caught the letter before it hit the ground. "Hey hey. You should be more careful with your belongings."
"Thank you." Haru took the letter back and stared down at the words written on the envelope.
To Kuzumaki Haruto. From your mother, Momoko.
"This is my mom's letter. She wrote it to me before she passed away."
Haru's hands shook as her thumb rubbed at the flap of the envelope. "Um…I want to read it right now in front of my parents' graves and it's very personal. Please don't look."
Kakashi covered his eye with a hand. "No worries! No peeking from me!"
Facing Kakashi so that he couldn't see the letter and so that she could still keep an eye on him, Haru finally opened up the envelope.
–
Dear Haruto,
My goodness. I wonder how old you are now at the time that you are reading this.
Good, healthy, and strong, I hope.
This is the first time we've ever spoken to each other. Well, the first time we could talk and understand each other. Grown-up speech and baby gurgles are such different languages.
Oh, Haruto-chan. You are so cute when you gurgle and squeal at me!
Now you're probably wondering how you got your name.
It was the day Kenji and I watched the sun rise over our new home. It was beautiful.
Seeing the sun shining brightly in the sky, I thought that "Haruto" would be a good name for you.
"Sun". The birth of a new day.
A new beginning for us. For our family. The start of your new life.
But of course, you could always change your name later if you want to, Haruto-chan.
Ah! You must also be wondering about your parents' love story!
As a young girl, I was quite tomboyish. Still am, really.
I had short spiky hair and got into fights, using my fists to teach a lesson to the bullies who made fun of me.
I thought that no one would fall in love with someone rowdy and unladylike like me…until Kenji stumbled into my life.
Quite literally. Kenji fell on his face right in front of me.
Thinking Kenji was cute, I asked him out on a date.
One thing led to another. And then we decided to have you, little Haruto-chan.
Your father loved embroidering. I love fishing. We wonder what hobbies you'll have in the future.
Haruto-chan, listen to your mother's advice.
Eat healthy! Just because I'm not there doesn't mean you should avoid eating your vegetables!
Make lots of friends and study well!
Get plenty of sleep and exercise!
Take good care of yourself!
No matter what happens…everything will be okay.
Haruto-chan. Mother is sorry that she has to leave you so soon…
Your father and I wish we could've been here together with you. We wanted to raise you and see you grow up into a wonderful young woman.
If only things didn't turn out this way…
Growing up without a family. It will be harsh. It will be sad. There may be days when you feel like crying your heart out and giving up.
But I know you can do it. You have more strength within you than you think.
Your father believes in you. I believe in you.
Know that you are loved. We love you, Haruto.
Do your best, Haruto-chan.
–
Tears streamed down Haru's cheeks.
These were her mother's last words to her.
Her parents loved her so much. And now they were gone.
But they loved her until the bitter end. That was all that mattered.
"I'm sorry, Mother! I'm sorry, Father! I said horrible, horrible things!" Haru cried in front of her parents' graves. Her body shook with heavy sobs.
Damn it, she was an adult. She should be handling herself better than this!
Kakashi silently stood next to Haru, allowing her to let her emotions out.
But watching over the grieving Haru, Kakashi thought that there had to be something he could do to cheer the poor kid up.
Kakashi wondered…what did kids like?
Candy? Didn't have that on him.
Stuffed animals? Didn't have that on him either.
Wait.
Animals. Soft. Furry. Huggable.
Kakashi made a series of hand signs.
Summoning Jutsu!
In a puff of smoke, a miniature pug appeared.
Haru's sniffles died down as she stared at the newly summoned dog in amazement.
The dark brown pug stared up at Kakashi. "What'd you summon me for, Kakashi?"
Haru pointed in amazement. "Wah! The dog could talk!"
The pug gave Kakashi an amused look. "Aw. Are you stuck babysitting, Kakashi?" It turned to Haru. "Is this your first time seeing a dog talk, kid?"
"Yup!" Haru tilted her head in thought. "But does this mean all dogs could talk? Kiba's dog, Akamaru doesn't seem to be able to."
The pug laughed. "Not all dogs are capable of human speech." It held a paw up in greeting. "Anyways, I'm Pakkun."
"Haru."
Kakashi picked up Pakkun and held him out to Haru. "Do you want to pet the dog?"
"Um. Does Pakkun mind? I don't want to touch him without his permission."
Pakkun lowered his head, leaving the top of it in prime petting position. "I'm fine with it, kid. Go ahead."
A small smile appeared on Haru's face. She shyly petted Pakkun. - Oh my gosh, his fur was so soft.
She knew that Kakashi was one of her favorite characters for a reason.
Haru removed her hand from Pakkun's head. "Thanks, Pakkun. I feel a lot better."
"No problem, kid," Pakkun said.
Kakashi dismissed Pakkun and the pug disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Kakashi held his hand out to Haru. "Come on. I'll walk you home."
Haru hesitated. Was Kakashi serious?
She looked up at Kakashi. His single eye was curved happily so he was obviously smiling.
Haru looked at his hand again, which he still kept holding out to her.
Haru timidly grabbed his hand and Kakashi gently squeezed it.
As they walked through Konoha, Haru couldn't help but feel a sense of comforting warmth.
This was the first time she'd ever held a parent-aged adult's hand. Was this what it felt like to hold onto a parent's hand? To have someone care for and look after her?
Once they arrived at Haru's apartment, she smiled up at Kakashi. "Heh. Thanks, Rikimaru."
Kakashi tilted his head in confusion. "...Rikimaru?"
"Yeah! I made up a nickname for you. Rikimaru! Do you like it?"
Kakashi chuckled. "Yeah. It's nice. Take care of yourself, Haru."
As Kakashi walked away, Haru waved goodbye. "Thanks for escorting me home, Rikimaru!"
Kakashi coolly and silently raised a single hand in response.
Entering her home, Haru picked up the picture frame with the photo of her parents. She brushed her fingers against her parents' smiling faces.
Maybe…just maybe…
She could keep going a little longer.
A/N: Can anyone guess who "Rikimaru" is a reference to?
Haru died at twenty years old in her past life, matching the 20th anniversary of the Naruto anime in 2022. 2022 was also the same year I published this fanfic.
A lofi version of "Sadness and Sorrow" played while I was writing the Kakashi and Haru Meeting scene. Way for my playlist to set the mood. ಥ_ಥ