Castiel leaned back against the hood of the impala, accepting the offered beer. He gave it a quick sniff before taking a swig, considering the flavor carefully. He looked up, noticing Dean staring at him and frowned. "Yes?"
Dean shook his head, seeming to break out of whatever thought had been consuming him. He raised his eyebrows. "What? Oh. Nothing. Just. Watching you experience things. It's new, you know." He turned his focus onto his own beer.
"It's the closest to human I've ever been." Cas agreed, deciding finally that he liked the flavor of the beverage.
"What's it like?" Dean asked.
Cas set his mouth in a line, thinking for a second. "It's strange. Things I could normally filter out plague me."
"Oh?"
"This feeling… it's so overwhelming and limiting at the same time. I can take in so much less information in one instant, but I can filter none of it out. I have yet to develop a way to focus my attention."
"Isn't that driving you nuts?"
"The world is loud and fragrant and uncomfortable. Not to mention, humans feel emotion so much more deeply than angels ever could. I find even physical sensations swaying my mood."
Dean considered this for a moment. "Yeah?"
"The speed at which an emotion can grip me, and how fleeting every moment of joy can be… it is dizzying." Cas explained.
"Jeez." Dean bought himself a few seconds to process by taking another long pull from his beer. "Bet you're really regretting that whole rebelling against heaven thing now, huh?"
"Never." Cas replied with no hesitation.
The hunter looked up in surprise, the conviction in the angel's voice silencing him.
After a moment, Castiel changed the subject. "How are you doing Dean?"
Dean flashed a rehearsed insincere smile. "You know me, I'm always fine."
Cas locked eyes with him, his mouth pulled in a disbelieving frown.
Dean sighed, his face crossing into exasperation before falling into a more neutral position. "Fine. I'm coping okay?" He snapped gently.
"The burden on your shoulders, as usual, is anything but small."
"Gee thanks." Dean gave one last deep sigh and let his guard fall away entirely. "I don't know Cas. So much shit has gone down in the last week, and it wasn't exactly smooth sailing before that."
"The trials."
"Yeah to start." the hunter gave a short humorless laugh.
"Add to that the angels falling…" Cas supplied sheepishly.
Dean shook his head. "I'd be lying if I said that wasn't stressful on some level, but honestly it's low on the list of things weighing on my mind." He finished his beer and dropped the empty bottle back into the cooler, pulling out a fresh one. "I've spent so long up to my elbows digging through the crap Crowley has thrown at us and fighting just about every nasty evil thing I could get my hands on. And the entire time, Sam had me scared half to death he was going to drop dead before he could get close to completing the trials. Then he almost did for real and I just-" Dean cut himself off, realizing with abrupt alarm how close he was to letting tears escape.
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry." Castiel supplied while Dean regained his composure. "For adding to the burden. For my part in letting the angels fall, but even more for not being there when you needed me for Sam."
Dean looked up towards the sky, shaking his head. "I already forgave you, man." He frowned. "I guess you probably weren't getting prayers anymore..." he adjusted his position against the car. "But I'm not mad. Metatron is a grade A douche, and we'll give him what he deserves eventually, but that's on him, not on you."
The former angel let the smallest smile slip through his defenses. He sipped at his drink, considering Dean's words. "I am glad Ezekiel was able to render assistance in my stead."
Dean let the air out of his lungs in a half hearted humorless snort. "Yeah. Me too."
The silence stretched between them again, interrupted only by the distant sounds of nature. Dean polished off his second beer, tossing it too into the cooler and settling further back against the Impala's hood. He tried to take his mind off his brother, willing his focus to land anywhere else. Not wanting to tempt fate, their "drive" was into the forest directly surrounding the bunker. Where they sat now was, for lack of a better word, boring. He took a moment, watching a breeze disrupt the fluff off a dandelion, and tried to block out any other intrusive thoughts.
Cas finally interrupted the peace. "I wanted to say I am sorry again." Before Dean could snap at him again about mentioning the angel's fall, he pressed on. "For what happened in Lucifer's crypt."
The hunter startled slightly, looking over to meet Castiel's eyes.
"I know… Naomi was…" Cas looked up and away, his expression intensely pained. "Still, the memory of…" He found himself unable to continue, his mind flashing back, and when he looked down at his hands, he could envision them covered in Dean's blood.
Dean's heart fluttered with discomfort at the change in topic. He heard the waver in the angel's voice, knew from experience how close he was to cracking and giving in to tears. "Cas…"
Castiel took a deeper breath, forcing his emotions back under control. They really came on too quickly and strongly for him to predict and avoid now that he was human. As sorry as he had been as an angel, the memory of hitting Dean, the memory of killing him so many times, was now as sharp as being stabbed. He was unable to think of the events without feeling it so completely that it overwhelmed him. "And sorry as well for leaving you after. I didn't want to hurt you further. After leaving you so abruptly in Purgatory, after refusing to return with you, after-"
"Cas, I can't talk about this right now." Dean snapped, a little rougher than he intended, and he felt a twinge of guilt. "It's all in the past now, okay? Let's leave it there right now."
The silence stretched yet again, and he worried that this time it'd be insurmountable, but Cas finally broke it again. "Thank you Dean. For taking me in."
"No problem." Dean dismissed.
"I'm afraid I won't be of much use anymore."
"Yeah well, I need you here."
.
The two of them had stayed out of the bunker until the sun began to set. When the first fireflies started to appear Dean had reluctantly steered them back towards the safety of home. Suddenly self conscious, the hunter had refused to let his mind rest long enough to think for the rest of the night. Research, dinner, cleaning. When it was late enough to "sleep" he bid Sam and Cas goodnight and retreated to his own room to listen to music and brood in peace.
Cas had returned to his own room with the intention of sleep, but try as he might, he couldn't manage. Sensations were both new and hard to ignore. The world seemed at one moment the barest too warm, too cool the next. He was becoming acquainted with a new type of pain. As an angel, pain was an intense sensation, arising when something dramatic happened to the vessel. As a human he was learning what it was to ache. Everything hurt, just a little. If he stood too quickly, the room spun the slightest bit. Sitting still, his head… felt full. It was the only way he could think to describe the feeling, he just could feel his head.
On a whole, Cas just felt truly uncomfortable.
Three hours of just laying still, the former angel finally gave up, standing with the intent to pace the bunker like he once might have as a celestial being who had no need for sleep. He was surprised to find Sam flipping through a book in the library.
The younger Winchester jumped slightly when he finally noticed Cas walking up to the table, but he offered a sincere smile after. "Hey. Don't you have to sleep now?"
"Don't you?"
Sam closed the book he was leafing through. "Yeah, I guess." He glanced at his watch. "Hunters tend to get less sleep than most. I was just catching up on a few books on my to-read list. Texts about the bunker and warding." He took in Cas' exhausted expression. "How come you're up?"
"Sleep eludes me." As Sam opened his mouth, Cas' expression turned pleading. "Please do not advise me to count sheep."
Sam let the tension out of his shoulders with a gentle laugh. "Alright, fine." He relented.
"I keep recalling memories. Both recent and of the last few years… but with each memory comes a flood of emotions I never truly could feel before. It makes resting very difficult."
"Now you understand why Dean drinks himself to sleep at night." Sam offered gently.
Cas pulled an unreadable face. He considered it for a minute before he settled into a chair next to the younger hunter. "May I assist in the research?"
"Sure." Sam handed him a small stack of books, throwing him a lifeline to ignore his burdens for a little while.
"Thanks." Cas settled in, allowing reading to take away his wandering thoughts and give him a much needed temporary distraction.