It was late in the evening when Sam finally saw Castiel for the first time that day. The younger hunter had been in one of the bunker's back rooms, browsing some of the more obscure texts on angels and heaven, compiling a stack of books he was hoping either Gadreel or Cas could help him sort through later. The angel knocked on the open door, getting his attention. "Hey Cas, what's up?"

"Have you seen Dean?"

"Not since breakfast, why?"

Cas frowned. "He does not appear to be in the bunker, but his phones all remain in his room."

Sam nodded absently, pulling another book down. "He's at the bar then." He gave a small smile when Cas looked confused. "He does this. Whenever he's giving some final push to ignore dealing with his feelings, he drops all possible ways for anyone to reach him and seeks out the closest bar."

"That seems unwise given your profession."

Sam gave an involuntary snort of laughter. "Have you met Dean? I don't think he has a single good instinct when it comes to emotions."

Cas gave a weak smile in return. "I have noticed that, yes."

"He'll be back. He always comes back." Sam tried to be reassuring, not sure exactly what was going on, but wanting to give some sort of comfort if he could. "How are you doing?"

Cas stopped, seeming unprepared to suddenly have someone asking after him. "I am still unsure."

"I just meant, a lot of stuff has been going on these past days. This past month even. So how are you handling this all?"

"I…" Cas shut his mouth, thinking for a moment. His posture deflated slightly. "I seem to be unable to do anything right these past few days." He admitted.

"You saved me and Dean." Sam offered. "That's something." He gave a smile with a bit more warmth in it. "Thank you, by the way. I didn't get to say that yet."

Cas gave a nod. "Of course."

"How does it feel to become an angel again? It must be a bit of a relief…"

The frown did not go unnoticed. "It was an unavoidable course of action."

"Do you wish you hadn't?"

"I do not regret choosing this course of action, as Dean and I are only alive because I did."

"But you wish you didn't have to."

Cas bowed his head in agreement. "I believe Dean feels similarly."

"I doubt if Dean knows what he's feeling." Sam said bluntly.

"I am afraid I only seem able to add to that uncertainty."

Sam bit his lip, wanting to ask so many things but unable to figure out where to start. He settled on a humorously blunt exaggeration. "Hey Cas, are you and my brother starting some sort of a romantic relationship, or is it just my imagination?"He joked, trying to push the conversation in the direction he wanted.

"It remains to be seen."

Sam choked, not expecting that response. He tried to recover. "Wait. So, when I brought in the pie…what I saw last night…"

"I do not believe Dean would wish me to speak on the matter."

"But there is something to speak about?" Sam pressed, trying to figure out what was going on. Because honestly he hadn't seen this coming in on his radar. Whatever 'this' was. And if he had to guess, with what he knew about his brother, neither had Dean.

"Sam, I-" Cas quieted down, his posture straightening up as if he were hearing a far off sound. "Dean is reaching out."

.

It had taken some convincing for Sam to get Cas to agree to being driven into town. The angel had finally conceded with the caveat that Sam dropped him off outside the town center so Dean would not suspect his involvement. Sam tried to insist that he come help gather his almost certainly drunk brother and drag him home, but Cas refused.

Castiel walked the few blocks, taking in the silence of the small sleepy town of Lebanon, Kansas. There wasn't a whole lot to it. With less than 250 people living there, "town" consisted of just a handful of buildings, and only one bar, which, by Cas' estimate of time, had closed probably a half hour before Dean bothered to pray to him.

Dean's prayer hadn't been overly specific. Mostly it just seemed somewhat bitter and reluctant. Castiel spotted the Ford station wagon Dean had left in easy enough as it was the only car parked at the edge of town closest to the bar. When he approached the vehicle Dean was closer to the passenger side, one foot up on the dash, his head resting on his arm. He jumped when the angel opened the drivers side door. "Hello Dean." Cas closed the door behind him.

Dean looked past Cas, and around the surrounding road briefly. "No Sam?"

"No." Cas said simply. He held out a water bottle and a cereal bar to the hunter.

"Oh fuck you." Dean responded irritably, trying to shove Cas' outstretched hand away, managing to somehow miss entirely in his somewhat intoxicated state.

"I am almost certain you have not eaten today, and you did not yesterday. You must eat something." He reached into his overcoat, pulling out a couple other snacks. An apple, a bag of pretzels, a granola bar. "I have a variety of foods if this is not your choice."

Dean roughly snatched the cereal bar out of Cas' hand. He fumbled with it for a few seconds before managing to rip it open. He took a bite out of it, glaring at Cas the entire time. "There, happy?"

Cas simply gave a single nod. The angel took a moment to place the other snacks on the back seat, laying the water bottle down between them. He let the silence stretch on for a few moments while Dean reluctantly finished eating. He tried to take in Dean's demeanor. He was definitely drunk, but Cas hadn't expected anything else. His body language was tense, somewhat hostile even. And it seemed that his presence had only made it worse.

Dean crumpled the now empty wrapper and threw it behind them, not caring where it landed. He re-positioned himself so his back could rest against the door, and one foot came back up to sit flat on the bench seat between them. He grabbed the bottle of water into his hands, but didn't make any moves to open it.

Dean would say he was just getting comfortable. Cas would observe that Dean was getting as far away as possible while also putting a barrier between them.

The angel turned slightly in his seat, looking out at the street. "We will have to involve your brother when you wish to return to the bunker. I am afraid I still do not understand how to operate a vehicle, and you are unfit to drive."

Dean pulled an unreadable face.

Cas was actively trying to choose his words with more care than he normally did. Especially while Dean was literally trapped with him, he did not want to further antagonize him. "I did not expect you to pray to me."

"Left my phone home."

"I meant that I did not expect for you to reach out for anything." Cas let the silence creep back in for a moment. "What caused you to reach out?"

Dean turned his head to also look out at the abandoned town. With the businesses closed down for the night, the town itself was deserted. "I don't know."

Cas shifted slightly, something he learned to do years ago to try and put Dean at ease. The hunter had expressed that it was just weird how he never moved 'just because'. Now for the first time he had the context needed to understand why. As a human fidgeting was largely unconscious. Vague discomfort seemed to be an unrelenting factor of having a mortal body, and small adjustments to its position was the natural outcome. With his angelic form restored, he no longer felt those aches, but absolute stillness was such an obvious beacon of his inhumanity.

This time however Dean did not seem comforted by the meaningless movement. "I don't know, man. I just… I couldn't deal with seeing Sam, but we needed to talk."

"Sam did not appear to be as angry about Gadreel anymore."

"No, not because that." Dean dismissed. "He's riding my ass about seeing us last night or whatever, and if I punch him so soon after lying to him, I'm never gonna hear the end of it." Dean let his head thunk back against the glass. "I have nothing to say to him."

"Because you do not yet know how you feel." Cas finished.

Dean's head snapped up at Cas' bluntness. He opened his mouth to deny it, but he couldn't quite manage. He finally settled on a sigh, turning his focus down to turning the water bottle over in his hands.

"Dean, I am unsure how to speak on this matter. I seem to say the wrong thing each time." He noticed Dean's flinch. "Even now…"

" 's not your fault." Dean picked at the edge of the plastic label. He peeled it back, lifting it off the water bottle entirely, and then sat with it in his hand because he didn't know what to do with it now. "Can't we just fight a wendigo or something?"

Cas turned back to look at Dean, tilting his head in question.

"Something straightforward. It's a bad guy. We kill it. Nothing complicated or messy about that…"

"We can not pursue a wendigo until you sober up or we call your brother to drive."

"I didn't mean actually-" Dean narrowed his eyes. "Wait… was that a joke?"

Cas let a small smile slip.

Dean let out an almost silent laugh at Cas' attempt at humor. He let just a little of the tension out of his shoulders. He took a deep breath in and out, closing his eyes to ride out a brief wave of dizziness. When he opened them again, Cas was looking out the windshield at nothing again. His expression was as stoic as ever.

"What worries you most?" Cas spoke without moving.

Dean thought for a moment. "I don't know how I will handle it when you leave." Alcohol was helping him be far more honest than he might be otherwise.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Aren't you?"

"What-"

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad man, but you always leave." Dean gestured vaguely. "You're an angel again, you've got shit to do, and yeah I get it's important."

"Dean-"

"You were going to leave when you thought you could lock the angels upstairs. Hell, You wouldn't even be here if Naomi hadn't dragged your ass out of purgatory. You left me for good, remember? So don't tell me you wouldn't."

Cas was silent, but he felt a familiar growing guilt settle deep in his chest. He finally turned to look towards the hunter. "I am sorry I did."

"Yeah, well. Sorry doesn't do much for me." Dean snapped, his voice dropping back down. "I tore that place up looking for you. Months I tortured anything that moved for info on where you were."

"I know."

"Yeah, I know you know." His shoulders sank in defeat. "You came back to the bunker this time because you were human. You needed us. Now…"

After a moment Castiel gave a small sad smile. "Benny believed if you knew I intended to stay you really would refuse to go through the portal."

Dean looked up. "Benny knew you weren't coming?"

"He suspected. We discussed it one night while you slept... Would you have?"

Dean considered this for a moment. "No. But I wouldn't have let you stay either."

The angel rested his hands on the wheel. He did not know what to say to reassure the hunter. He was pretty sure nothing he could say would achieve that. Right now he was just trying to be careful not to crowd Dean or put him further on the defensive.

Dean, for his part, felt utterly lost. His entire world had been thrown askew, and he didn't know what way was up any more. He shifted, pulling his body to face forward in the car. He jumped when he felt the hand brush over his, and it was pulled away almost immediately.

"I'm Sorry." Cas said softly, feeling shame it seemed to be all he knew how to say.

The hunter leaned forward, burying his head in his hands. Dropping his voice to a whisper, he finally said the thing that had been weighing on his mind since the cabin. "God, how can you touch me, after…"

"After?"

"You're the only person who saw me…in hell."

"You deserve forgiveness for those sins. You have mine. You should try to forgive yourself." Castiel's answer was immediate and firm.

Dean looked up, finally meeting the angel's eyes. He allowed Cas to reach up to wipe the stray tear from his cheek, and he closed his eyes, this time fully allowing himself to lean into the touch. "This is all new to me." The hunter hesitated, but slid sideways slightly to press his shoulder onto Cas'. He let out a shaky breath, a weak smile crossing his lips. "This was a lot easier when we both had just almost died."

"We did both almost die two days ago." Cas replied. "Again."

"True." Dean tensed for a moment when the angel relaxed to rest against him. "Maybe it's just harder because it feels real now." He sighed. "Or maybe because of everything else."

"Because I am an angel again." Castiel breathed, a note of pain edging it's way into his voice.

"Do you wish you weren't?" He asked directly. Dean couldn't see his face from where he was, but he saw Cas' hands tense at the question.

"Yes." He said softly.

Despite a similar sentiment just last night, Dean was still a little surprised to hear it put so bluntly. He pulled back, straightening up off of Cas' shoulder. He looked over Cas' face, and took in the somewhat pained expression. "Couldn't you… I mean, you took Theo's grace and Metatron took yours. Couldn't you remove it? Choose to be human?"

Cas looked back towards the window, willing himself to regain composure. "No. I believe I am beginning to realize the ramifications of stealing another's grace. It's… different."

"Than yours?"

"My grace… it was a part of me. An extension of my own form, but distinctly separate. This… Theo's grace is more like a poison. It allows me to access the abilities I once possessed, or some of them, but it's slowly burning into me… it's too entangled now to be removed."

Dean let the words wash over him. "Is that why you cannot fly?"

Cas gave a small wistful smile. "No. I may have been nearly human, but never truly. My wings were damaged in the fall the same as the other angels. I don't believe any of them can fly any more. My wings are…" He struggled to find the right word to describe them. "shredded."

Dean winced. He thought in silence for a few minutes. "If Theo's grace is burning through you… what does that mean?"

"I don't know yet."

"Is it dangerous? For you I mean?"

"I don't know."

Dean withdrew his hand, leaning back against the bench. He took a deep breath, scrubbing his hand over his face to try and shake off any last evidence of crying. He was still for a moment, and then let out a long breath. "Shit."

Castiel nodded in agreement.

"I'm sorry I screwed up." The words passed his mouth before his sluggish brain caught up. He clenched his fists, thinking over the events again. "I went in as backup, and I got caught. Instead of getting you out, I just got you into this fucking mess."

"Dean-"

"No Cas, this is on me. And before that… you only were in there because I didn't tell Sam about Gadreel and the angels got him." He clenched his fists, digging his nails into his flesh, trying to assert some sort of control.

Castiel turned back to look at him directly. "And before that the angels only fell because I did not heed Naomi's warning."

"Cas, that's not your fault-"

"Dean, she told me in no uncertain terms that Metatron was gathering the ingredients to cast the angels from heaven."

"Yeah, and why the hell should you have believed her? She tortured you in heaven, controlled you for months, tried to get you to kill me for that tablet. You had no reason to take her word over Metatron's. It is not your fault."

"Neither is it yours."

"Cas, I-"

Cas reached out abruptly, gripping Dean's face and turning him to look the angel directly in the eyes. Dean pressed back slightly on instinct under the severity of his gaze, but the angel kept his grip.

"Dean. There is more than enough blame to go around. But what happened with Malachi is no more your fault than mine. You need to let it go."

"Cas…" Dean couldn't keep the desperation from his expression. "I can't just do that…"

Cas pulled Dean forward, pressing his lips to his own. Dean was taken by surprise, but unlike last time he did not immediately pull away. His eyes pressed shut, and he allowed his mind to still for just a second.

When they parted, Cas leaned his head forward to rest against Dean's. He closed his eyes, his voice dropping in volume from before. "You have to try."

Dean's hand was gripped tightly around the tan overcoat, and he let it ground him in the moment. He took a deep shaky breath, trying to let Cas' words sink in, trying to believe them. He let his hand drop, feeling exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

"Perhaps we should call your brother to assist in returning to the bunker."

Dean frowned. "No. I'm not ready to go back just yet."

Cas withdrew his head, and Dean opened his eyes, watching as Cas shifted forward and pulled off his coat. He moved to lean up against the door and pulled Dean against his chest, covering him with the coat. He looped his arm around the hunter. Dean tensed at first, but allowed himself to be led, finally relenting and relaxing against the angel.

"Thanks." Dean muttered.

The silence this time was comfortable. Cas let it stretch on for a while before he spoke again. "At least it is warmer here than New York."

Dean grinned in spite of himself. "What, don't miss huddling in the impala for warmth, stuck in the snow, waiting for rescue?"

Castiel allowed a small smile of his own. "No. I do not." He absently stroked his thumb back and forth over the hunter's collar bone.

Dean let out a contented hum, letting his eyes rest shut again. The stress of even moments ago felt like it was fading away. "Might fall asleep, we keep this up." He mumbled.

"That is probably for the best." Cas replied. "I will watch over you."

"Like I said…" Dean mumbled, his words slurring as he began to lose his hold on consciousness. " 's just creepy."

Cas felt the figure pressed against him finally relax fully, his breathing evening out to a mild snore. He allowed himself to think back on the events in his life that led him to be in this car with this hunter. To reflect on the choices, both the good and the bad that ended in this conversation, in this revelation. And for this moment at least, he found he could not be too upset about the current state of affairs.