Hey thanks for reading, hope you guys enjoy the chapter.

* Please excuse any spelling mistakes, English is my second language and while I try to proofread each chapter sometime a few slips through. If there are any glaring mistakes, please let me know and I will fix it.

I don't own Naruto and don't make any profit from this story.

This story is un-betad and all the mistakes are mine.

This version is much more realistic, hope you enjoy.

-line break-

(4 years, 3 April)

Chapter 2: All I Am Instead.

They were giggling again, thought Nariko dryly to herself. Nariko closed her eyes lying on her blanket. The orphanage couldn't spare another bed, the Matron had explained, but Nariko had long since stopped believing anything that woman told her. Honestly Nariko had long since stopped believing what anyone told her. It was difficult to believe them when their eyes keep revealing the truth.

Nariko didn't know why, didn't know how, but she had always been able to sense when someone was lying. Not lying per se but more the negative intent behind their words. When she was younger, she had ignored it, hopeful for someone to love her, to accept her. But now she knew better, she had been naïve, ignorant of how the world worked.

Not that I'm much better now, she wryly acknowledged, but she was wiser, more aware of what was hiding behind this villages cheerful display. At least where she was concerned. This she, with a wince, also had to acknowledge. The adults cared, the children played, and the Matron protected, as long as it was not Nariko. No Nariko was the exception, not the rule, and brought out the worst in even the gentlest of people.

She can hear them chatting, telling each other stories as they learned to braid each other's hair. Nariko felt an old ache of wistfulness curl in her chest like a cat before she shoved it down. She was not jealous, she was not. So, what if she couldn't join them, so what if she had to stay in her room while they all sat together, laughing playing games, telling stories. So, what if her heart felt funny like a bruise. She was fine, she was FINE.

It didn't matter anyway, she mulishly thought in protests. Who she was trying to convince she didn't want to acknowledge either. My hair is too short, always shaven close to my skull, it will be impossible to braid anyway. And who needed to play games anyway? She wasn't a baby, she didn't care that no one spoke to her, that every time she entered a room, the room went silent. It was fine, she was FINE.

A shout sounded from outside, followed by raucous laughter. Nariko kept her eyes closed trying to ignore the noise. She shouldn't have bothered. Even without looking the scene played out before her eyes. The men of the neighbourhood were teaching the boys how to be men. Men… blehh. As if being a boy would have made her life easier.

There was a pang behind her ribs, a distant ache of long forgotten thoughts. Maybe once she had looked at the playing boys and wondered, maybe once she had though. Irritated Nariko rubbed at her face. Maybe's are useless, what use are dreams when all she had was reality, when all she had was the truth.

It doesn't matter if she was a boy or a girl, nobody cared, all she was and all she will ever be to them is the demon child. The mistake that lives to haunt them with every breath she takes.

Nariko clenched her jaw. She was beyond irritated with her inability to ignore her thoughts. She doesn't want to know, doesn't want to remember. The truth is, no one knows that Nariko is a girl, and until recently, not even Nariko. And that burned, an ache of a wound that never healed. If Jiji hadn't… She has to stop, has to breath. She might have never known she was a girl if the Hokage hasn't made the slip, used the phrase that sent her whole world spinning.

She had been sitting at the worn counter at Ichiraku Ramen, kicking her legs waiting for her first bowl. She could smell the noodles cooking, smell the boiling broth. It panged at her empty stomach, causing an ache. But Nariko ignored it, well use to being hungry. Besides she consoled herself, she was sitting next to Jiji. If there was one thing, she was sure of, it was that Jiji would never leave her hungry. Glancing at him she caught the amusement in his eyes causing her to scowl at him. Before she could open her mouth to say anything he raised his in surrender, laughing lightly. "I'm not laughing at you" He soothed in his deep baritone. Nariko felt her hackles drop. It's Jiji, she scolded herself.

Jiji, the one person who never aimed any negative intent towards Nariko. Even when she had first met him, he had never flinched from her, never became afraid, and in all the time she had known him, he had never lied to her with the intent to harm.

Nariko wasn't stupid, Jiji was the Hokage, there were secrets he had to keep for the safety of the village maybe even to keep her safe. But even when she knew he wasn't telling her something, was keeping secrets, she couldn't get mad. Because she could sense it was to protect her.

That is why she calls him Jiji, he was the closest thing to family she had. And she was honoured to do so, because Jiji is the Hokage, if he wanted her to stop, he could, yet… and yet he allows it. It made something warm bloom inside her every time she thinks of it, because… because it must mean he cares too.

Hearing the ceramic clink onto the wood she smiles at Teuchi. Teuchi who had once fed a starving Nariko, when Nariko had been locked outside for weeks one winter. She had been starving, almost out of her mind. She had been searching for something to eat in his dustbins when he saw her. The fear had been instant, overpowering and she had been sure he was about to hit her with his broom. She still wasn't sure what stopped him.

He had left and she had been debating whether she would make it to the next alley with how weak her limbs had become, when he had returned, carrying a bowl of ramen. That bowl probably saved her life, and when the Hokage started taking her around the village she had asked to eat at the ramen stand.

He had still been afraid, but the longer she had visited the more it lessened. These days it was barley a whisper to her senses, mixing with a grief that had appeared the first time he had seen her face in the light.

Without bothering to say thanks, Nariko attacked her bowl on a mission. This wasn't the first time nor the last the orphanage forgets to feed her, so she was enjoy the chance to eat her fill without worrying that someone would steal her food. With Jiji right here, she wasn't worried, still she was hungry.

"Slow down Nariko" The Hokage rumbled gently. Nariko only shook her head, splashing the broth onto her shirt. "It's not very ladylike" The Hokage teased, the edge of laughter in his voice. Nariko paused swallowing her mouthful, questioning the strange phrase. "Ladylike?" She asked confused.

"Ladylike" The Hokage confirmed calmly, as if that meant anything to Nariko. "What is Ladylike?" Nariko blinked at him, wondering how the word has anything to do with her. The Hokage stared back steadily, and she could feel he was going to teach her something, so she straitened her back and focused on what he was saying. "Ladylike is to behave like a lady, a thing all girls should do." Nariko was still confused, she knew what a girl was, but surely Jiji knew.

"Jiji" Nariko began awkwardly, unsure how to phrase this. "Jiji, you know I'm not a girl, right?" She trailed off, very uncomfortable. The air in the small stall went still, the Hokage's complete focus on her, and this was the Hokage and not her Jiji. "What do you mean" he asked softly, gently but serious. Nariko swallowed nervously, wondering if she should have kept quiet. Some of the tension leaves the air and it is once more her Jiji asking her softly "Nariko?"

This is Jiji. She reminded herself, Jiji. But something in her stomach spun fiercely, she felt her muscles lock and the tremors in the finger. Jiji, she tried to remember as she fought to keep her lungs working. Jiji. But the fear was paralysing, because had he not known? Had his kindness and love been because he didn't know?

"Nariko" Jiji said frowning faintly, his hands were on her shoulders, concern written on his face. Jiji. Nariko reminded herself as she breathed. One breath, two… "Sorry", she whispered ashamed. "What do you mean" he asked again gently, looking at her with the same concern as always. And Nariko swallowed roughly, wondering what she is going to do once he knows. But this is Jiji, he deserves to know, she loves him enough to not deceive him.

"Jiji, I'm not a girl..." She trailed of, swallowing the lump in her throat "I'm a demon" she chokes out, unable to say it louder than the whisper that escaped her. By the look on Jiji's face he heard her. The shock slowly transforms into a terrifying anger and Nariko hid her face, unable to stand the fact that she had just lost her only family. She had been through a lot of things in her short life, she had survived all of them, but she was sure that if her Jiji, no not her Jiji anymore, if the Hokage curses her now that she might as will die. There was an edge in her thoughts, a chasm open in front of her, an unending darkness that she was teetering on the edge of.

"Nariko" The Hokage started and then, seeming not able to find word, he gathered her in his arms with a soft. "Oh child." He cradled her softly, as though she was precious, even though Nariko was stiff in his arms. When he just kept holding her gently, Nariko started to relax. Bit by bit she settled down, sinking into the embrace. "Jiji?" She whispered softly. The name has never been uttered so insecurely in all the time she had known him.

"Nariko" Hiruzen started softly, waiting until the girl in his arms looked him in the eye, "You are not a demon, child, you are as human as I am, you are a precious little girl." He willed with all his might that she believes him, prayed to all he believed in that she hears the truth in his words. She must have, as her eyes widened in disbelief and shock before she hid her face away. He said nothing as he felt he coat become wet. A fire was burning in him, his temper which he rigidly controls ignites, and he wishes to have a conversation with everyone involved with this misunderstanding, possibly in T&I with Ibiki.

But first he has to protect the child in his arms, who had been hurt so badly by the village she in protecting. 'I'm sorry Minato' he thought sadly, he wished his successor was here. He had failed to notice how bad it had gotten, and if he missed this, what else had he missed. Hiruzen knew something has to change. He just wasn't sure what.

A girl, she was a girl. Nariko though she should be glad, maybe relieved, elated, anything. But she was numb, numb to her bones, numb to her veins, to her lungs. The rest of the visit passed in a blur, she doesn't really remember much, she hasn't finished her food, but at that point she hadn't been hungry. She remembers Jiji though, how softly he cradled her, how warm his arms had been and how gently he turned her world upside down.

Because she could tell from the beginning, that Jiji hadn't been lying, he didn't project negative intent, had still cared for Nariko. Nariko should probably be happy that she wasn't a demon, but that means… that means, there is no reason for her treatment, there is no reason for the hurt. The knowledge pulls a rug from under her understanding of the world and her place in it. Causes her to question things she had excepted as fact. A girl. All she was, was a girl. She didn't know if she should cry, if she could cry. But there is something inside her, hidden behind all the hurt and anger, shaded by her confusion, that seems to be weeping all the tears her eyes wont spill.

No, it was no use to think about it, all it does… all it does. What it does doesn't matter. No matter that it invades her thoughts, her dreams. It doesn't matter, that ache in her chest, a splinted feeling she is unable to fully supress. What does it matter that that she sometimes wishes, sometimes longs for something she can't define nor name. A curl of something warm, something soft. Something she had never known. 'Idiot' She scowls. Wishes were for fishes and people who could afford them. And Nariko, no matter how much she longed otherwise, knew she was neither.