Chapter 9: If You Really Think About It, Strap-On Is Just No-Parts Spelled Backwards

"Aren't you supposed to be working?"

"Probably. I'm supposed to be a lot of things, but I live to disappoint.""

— 20 —

There wasn't much else I could do. As soon as we'd left the tower, she'd grabbed me by the collar and started dragging. Sure, I was bigger than her by a fair margin, but, I don't know. She was in Yang Mode for lack of a better term. She'd been silent the entire ride down from Oz's office, only reacting slightly when I picked up my discarded cigarette butt from the elevator and threw it in an outside ashtray.

Once outside? Hoo boy.

"Here," she said, letting me go. She gave me a push towards the alley wall. "You know there's certain places if I hurt you, the police won't be able to find out about, right? It's not illegal if there's no official report."

I gave her a sideways smile. "I'll scream. You underestimate just how much a bitch I am."

Indigo grit her teeth and stomped. She came up on me with a suddenness, jabbing a finger in my face. "And you underestimate just, uh, how pissed I am at you, Jaune!"

"I hate when people just state how they feel. That makes me feel angry," I said mildly, looking away.

"Are you fucking mocking me?"

"I kinda am, Indigo."

She stepped back, panting. Cheeks red. "What's that about? Why do you keep calling me that?"

"Calling you what?"

"Indigo!"

I folded my arms uncertainly. "It's your name."

"You never call me that!"

My eyes went to the fire escape. We were out behind the school cafe, and everything smelled vaguely of coffee grinds. I took a wild guess at what she meant. "Things is different now, Indie."

Her face scrunched up, and I half-thought she was about to cry. "Why are you drinking yourself into therapy? When did you learn Atlas computer shit? How come your voice itself sounds like someone else? 'Things is,' 'idn't,' and even the Headmaster guy pointed it out. What the fuck is wrong, Jaune?"

I… just kind of stared at her, at a complete loss for words. Trying to speak just made my tongue feel too heavy to move.

Indigo grabbed me, but all I could do was notice the smell of cigarettes. She shook me rapidly. Dumb fuck I was, I held my footing, unable to even shake for her. "Goddamnit, you stupid, sturdy dick! I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong!"

I swallowed, eyes wide. I mustered a croak, and that was it.

"That's it? That's it!" she shouted. I looked to the side, worried someone might come upon us. No one was. "I don't know, Jaune! Is it a girl? Is it dad? Is it me?"

I killed your brother and replaced him.

Silently I reached up and took her hands. She disentangled them from me and threw a punch at my chest. I didn't react as it hit my breastbone. It didn't hurt nearly as much as I feared.

"Talk to me, you dumbass!"

For the first time in the nearly two months since becoming Jaune, I felt like an imposter. It wasn't the feeling I first had, that my face didn't belong to me. It was that I was somehow betraying the people who cared for the face. Somehow more real to me than anything of its kind before. Back in Brockton Bay, the man who thought he was my father was radically overjoyed when I took over his son and got obsessed with health and fitness. He was proud and so encouraging that I wasn't the loser his son was. On Earth, I joined the Army because I wanted to earn my father's respect, and graduating as a soldier and doing work for the Agency finally saw him proud of me to the point of bragging.

Every human body had its story. When you hop bodies like I do, you come to learn that. Genetics, past injuries, fitness, and those who care for it.

I put my hand over my mouth, running my hand through the first strands of a burgeoning beard. "I cain't, Indigo," I said, dropping into my native accent just for once.

Indigo sniffled and rubbed her wet eyes. "Please, you jackass. Please. I just want to help you. Don't make me fucking do this, Jaune."

"Do what?"

"This!" she screamed, and the tears were flowing down. She beat her fists against my chest. It all felt so useless.

I tried taking a step back, as if to run away. Only for my ass to hit the wall. I held my hands up like she was some dangerous animal I was trying to avoid touching. Indigo came at me again, and I just took it.

Once on leave, my father tells me, we got into his whiskey. I started talking about why I joined the Army. Said it was to make him proud. We laughed, and we kept drinking. And drinking. And I keep talking, telling him why his approval meant so much to me. Broken household, abusive upbringing while he was in my life, and always feeling like he hated me while I was his son. We stopped laughing, and I kept drinking. I start yelling at him, this old navy veteran who always felt twice my size, twice the man I ever was.

Until I threw the first punch.

I woke up on the floor of the bathroom and spat out the blood. He was in worse shape than me. He was the bigger man by far, but I was the angrier. Until he gave up and curled up in a ball to make me go away.

I grabbed Indigo's arms.

"Let me go, Jaune!"

And hugged her with all my might. Cradling her head against my chest. And just let her hold me back, and cry.

"I'm sorry, Indie," I said softly. "It's... complicated. I can't tell you. There's these demons I got. Always had, really. From my father, trying to be the man he always wished he could be and better. From what feels like another life or two ago. From just being a complete fuck-up trying his best after ruining everything. A girl, too." I forced a smile. "It's everything all at once. I can't blame you. Or Dad. Or even her, not really. I did this all myself. And just knowing you got my back, I know I can make it. If just one person is in my corner, baby sister, then I'll fight tooth and nail until I die to be someone worth believing in."

"Baby?" she sobbed. "I'm like a year older than you."

I booped her nose. "Sorry, can't hear you from all the way up here."

"I hate you."

I just held her, smiling at nothing and everything. "Join the club. There's an official newsletter and everything."

"I want club president."

"Think my partner, Blake, has that position covered."

"She the girl?"

I shook my head. "Her? Nah. I almost think she's starting to like me. I'm apparently an acquired taste. Which is why I need to go, Indie. I… I owe her. Her, Weiss, Shamrock. My whole team. I done fucked up hard with them, trying to be something I'm not. Because I'm better than who I was pretending to be."

"You tryna get rid of me?" she asked, frowning up at me. Her eyes were blue as mine, and shot red. "I come all this way and you just try to get rid of me?"

"Promise I'll keep in contact?"

Indigo sniffed and rubbed her eyes. "You're the worst, Jaune. I fucking hate you. How the hell is a dick like you and a saint like me even related?"

"Don't ask me," I said. "Like eighteen years ago some asshole came in my mom and now I exist without my consent. Forcing me to just do my best in a life I never asked for."

She gave a sound that was almost a laugh. "You're gross, Jaune."

I stuck out my tongue. "If you have the receipt, you can always return me to the store and get a cooler one."

Indigo frowned deeply. "No. I wrote my name on you and that's that. You're a fucking piece of shit and I love you, kid." I let her disentangle from the hug and step back.

"Love you too, sis," I said, feeling like the world's greatest, worst liar.