True Colors
A/N: I'm more of rewriting the whole story so updates will be bi-weekly (and once in a while) tri-weekly. Apologies for that.
Merely three days after the confrontation in Itachi's shop, Sasuke walks up to me at the tiny pub near the university. He takes a seat across from me and calls for two whiskies on the rocks. I'm already nursing the same drink, having become too nervous to say anything while I wait. He thinks it's just an invitation for drinks but I'm here to tell him. I'm going to do it. I have to before he puts two and two together and draws unnecessary conclusions. I'm not hoping for an understanding or forgiveness. I'm realistic enough to imagine the ending that tonight has in store for me. I only want him to know that his brother and I were…are…inevitable. I've already had my glass of alcohol but this parching of my throat just doesn't die. I sip thirstily.
"How're you?" I ask pleasantly once I put down my glass.
"Lonely and you?" he asks, his tone not caring a sliver of warmth to it.
I laugh wryly. I don't know how to answer that. Panic flows in waves. I'm not scared of getting beaten to a pulp. I know what he'll think first. I can imagine it to be the absolute worst. It's the reason I've held back all this time. Our server places our drinks on the table and swishes away. I pick up my fresh drink and gulp it. I'm so nervous, I don't know how I haven't gone running. But I know why I didn't. I try to bide the time.
Sasuke picks up his glass and gulps it down in one go before calling out for another. He looks at me and smiles. Every time he's texted me it's just been worse and worse. He keeps poking and prodding. He's tried everything from flattery to outright threats but I didn't succumb. It irritated me to the point that I turned off my phone for a day. Which brought Kiba to my room in panic seeing as Itachi called him. But I can't take it anymore. Each time my phone beeps, my heart drops like a stone straight in my stomach.
I sip my drink some more, slowing down when Sasuke drinks half of his drink in one go. "Slow down Sasuke!" I say, worried that he's going to be beyond the realm of comprehension before I can even get to the point.
He laughs, "Nah. I'm getting a chance to chill with you. I'm gonna drink my heart out!" I've seen him drunk. Once in Hakone and once before that. And he's not a strong drinker. The pinkening of his cheeks is enough indication of it.
"Eh? I don't think that's a good idea," I eye him dubiously.
"Why? Do you have a date after this?" he waggles his eyebrows playfully.
"No because hauling your ass all the way to the third district is going to be a pain in the ass." I smirk at him and sip from my drink again.
He smirks back. "Why bother when I can just crash at your place? It's closer, anyway."
I laugh now. "Have you even seen my room? I alone am too much crowd for it!"
"Ah, does that mean you haven't brought your lover there?" he asks me quickly. For someone this drunk Sasuke sure has sharp tools to dig me with.
"Don't you have anything else to talk about?" I ask him, picking my drink and sipping fast from it.
"Then shall I tell you how hot I think it is when you gulp drinks down. It makes me imagine you drinking something else," he winks naughtily at me.
"Eh? You're not even going to filter your words now? I think I'd better go then." I move to stand up.
"Fine, I'll stop." He makes a face at me. "You're no fun. Why did you call me here for then?" He leans forward and nods at me. "Are you finally willing to tell me?" he hides behind his lashes, his tone too difficult to decrypt.
"Not that it is any of your business in the slightest, but I'm going to introduce you to him today." I look at the entrance, before turning back to Sasuke and nod, small and slow. I've put it out there and now I can't take it back. Sasuke looks sober as fuck when he looks at me. "Alright," he takes a deep breath before looking me in the eyeballs. "I'm ready."
"Me," Itachi drops it on the table between us before taking the seat beside me.
Sasuke looks at Itachi and then at me and promptly bursts out laughing. "Itachi?" he laughs. "He has a girlfriend in Tokyo dude! I know all about it! That's a terrible joke!" he smacks his lips disapprovingly when he turns to me. And more than dismay or anger, disbelief and denial are evident. "For you to go this far," he shakes his head. "Just who is it that you're dating that you're willing to use my brother?" he asks.
"There's no girlfriend in Tokyo. It's just been me. It's just been us." We've done calculations of our own. We weighed our pros and cons over a million times before we decided to tell him. And I've come here to either get across to Sasuke or end this anguish once and for all. Itachi has tried to convince me several times that this will become better, that Sasuke will come around. I know he's holding on to it like it's his lifeline. Somehow this feels like a stupid decision on multiple levels. But he's cornered me to the point where I can't hide anymore. And even Itachi agrees with the fact that telling him is a million times better than him finding out.
"Like hell I'll believe that!" Sasuke pushes away his drink and looks at us, pissed now. "This is not funny. And you, Itachi, why are you helping him? I know I said I'd believe it if you took his name but this is taking things too far! I mean-"
"Sasuke," one word conveys the seriousness of this situation. Sasuke's breath stutters and finally the eyes tuned to us become cold and distant.
"Outside. Now." he slaps some money on the counter and walks out.
I expected this. I've made my resolve for this. I grab Itachi's hand in mine and he squeezes it.
"I'm so-" Itachi starts, once we're outside. He turns to Sasuke and holds out his hand.
"Don't you dare say a word you fucking heterosexual hypocrite!" he breathes fire when he looks at his brother. Sasuke glares at me as if he's been slapped. "I should have listened to my gut when I thought the two of you had a thing going on. But over and over I kept pushing it away because it was impossible!" Sasuke exhales a hysteric laugh. "Are you two fucking kidding me?" he explodes, loudly. "You two are…" he can't even complete that sentence as angry tears pour down his face. He looks venomously at his brother. "You knew I liked him then why…?" he hisses, too angry and torn to speak. "You were supposed to be straight for fuck's sake! You have a son! Did you forget about it?" he jabs a finger at his chest as he sneers at him. I can't watch this. I fight the urge to grab his hand.
My heart turns over in my chest. I hate that it's come to this. I feel like ripping my heart out.
Sasuke looks a second away from slapping me. I lick my lips, trying to make him understand. "Stop this," I say, hoping my best friend, the fucking nexus of this story understands this bothers me.
He slaps me then. Everything inside me hurts more than that physical impact. "You motherfucker," Sasuke swears, "Of all the people in the world, you only got my brother to seduce?" he asks, slapping me again. "Was I not enough?" he asks, sobbing now. I let him hit me. I know I'm the perpetrator that orchestrated this whole mess. It's the punishment I deserve. I fight the urge to hold him as he crumbles. "Why him, Naruto?" he cries. "Why my brother?"
"Why not me?" Itachi's voice sends a chill down my spine. "He likes me and I like him, so why the hell can't we be together?" he asks coldly.
"Because I love him! And you knew about it and yet you…" he trails off, unable to control his anger as he glares at us.
"And I don't. I thought I made it clear to you in Hakone!" I cross my arms across my chest and stare at him.
"That doesn't give you the right to go frolicking with my brother behind my back!" he looks sickeningly at me.
"And who are you to decide my rights?" Itachi's voice interjects.
"Your very foolish younger brother," he whispers, his voice broken. My heart squeezes in my chest. "Very, very foolish indeed!" he pulls at his hair.
"I'm sorry I hid it for so long." I try to make him understand.
"You shut up before I kill you." He moves to grab me by the collar but Itachi's hand stops him.
"Stop this, Sasuke! Please!" Sasuke's hand rises again, this time to strike his brother and instinctively my hand grabs his.
"Hit me if you have to, but don't you dare hurt him." I tell him, fighting to keep my cool.
"You two stabbed me in the back," he looks at me incredulously. "And you have the fucking guts to tell me not to do anything?" he hollers. He shakes his head.
"Why do you think we kept hiding it from you?" I ask him, my anger simmering beneath the surface.
"Then why didn't you keep pretending? Why did you have to tell me? What am I supposed to do? Give you two my blessings?" he shoots back.
"No. It was only because you wouldn't shut up about it!" His curiosity is the reason we're here. My favorite word is a sin to him.
"You're going to regret this," he says, tears still running down his cheeks as he throws my hand on his arm away and moves towards the road. "I'm never going to let this happen," he sneers down at us, "Whatever this is."
"No one asked your permission," Itachi snaps back at him.
He moves as if he's about to hit Itachi too. I move in front of him, before I know it. He glares at me for a full minute. "Don't you ever show your face to me again," he says before turning towards the front. He stops near the doors. "Both of you." And then he's stomping out.
Tears run down my lover's face as he watches his brother go, his mouth set in a grim line. I move to wipe his tears and tilt his head up till his eyes meet mine. I don't have anything to say. No amounts of assurance can set this right or make him feel better, make either of us feel better. Instead, I take his hand and turn left into a dark alley. I move to gather him to my chest but he moves out of the grasp now. "I think you'd better go now," Itachi says not meeting my eyes.
I want his eyes on mine. I want more than my next breath to read them. "I'm not going anywhere," I cross my arms and look at him. "Aren't we going to face the music together?" I ask him as I gather him in my arms.
"It's the first time," he whispers into my neck. "It's the first time since his birth that I chose someone else. I never thought this day would come."
"Do you regret us?" I ask him quietly.
He shakes his head. "No. It's just…" he runs a hand across his eyes before rubbing his face with his hand. "I've never seen him like this." He swallows hard. "I've already hurt him and now when he's hurting, I don't know what to do to make it better."
I hold him to me for a long moment.
"By the way, you didn't have to come and defend me like that." His tone is serious, reproachful.
"I didn't mean to," I look up at him and despite everything turning to dust around us, I manage a smile at him. "My body moved on its own," I answer honestly.
Itachi inhales sharply. "We'll fight for this, right?" he clasps my hand and pulls me closer. "We'll fight for us, right?" he asks, his gaze frantic.
Tears spill down his face when I capture those lips in mine. "For you, every step of the way, Itachi-sama. There's no me without you."
Itachi nods as he kisses me again.
The storm inside me silences for a bit.
I'm home.
I try texting Sasuke to no avail. His phone doesn't connect. I think he's blocked me. I don't blame him. Had the situations been reversed, I'd have done the same. Maybe with more violence. Worry keeps me from sleeping at night knowing that they'll both be home, together. I don't want him venting on Itachi. If he does so much as touch a hair of Itachi's head…anger bursts inside me at the thought of him saying a single word to Itachi. The anxiety of not being there beside Itachi, drives me crazy. Once I even self-invite myself, but Itachi's against it.
The anguish of his words still burns like acid inside my chest. But it doesn't compare to seeing him in the flesh during our last Business Japanese class. He purposefully doesn't glance in my direction as he sits with one of his other friends. He shoots me dirty looks which only serve to intensify the guilt. Just like now. We're doing revisions for the upcoming exams. Mid-lecture my phone goes off. I chance a glance at it to see it's from a friend back home. I mute my phone and play the video. It's a funny cat video. I laugh under my breath and type a reply back.
I'm in the process of pocketing my phone when I feel his murderous eyes on me. They look like the hatred there has intensified, doubled. He sneers at me when our eyes meet. Realization hits me at once.
He thinks the sender is Itachi! That explains the sudden fierceness. It continues for the rest of the class, making concentration impossible.
"Asshole," he says, walking up to me when I begin packing my bag once class ends. He bumps his shoulder rudely to mine and walks away.
I fight the urge to grab his shoulder and lay one on him. "Who I choose to like is none of your bloody business Sasuke," I say rudely, coming to stand in front of him.
He glares at me. "Not if it is my brother, Naruto," he points a finger at me. "You cannot have him," he shakes his head, disgust evident all over him. "I can't believe that all this was happening right under my nose and I was so fucking blind to it all! How long have you two been fooling me?" He asks.
I look around. Now's a good time as any. "It all started after New Year's," I say, thinking about the confession torn out of me.
Sasuke's eyes widen when he looks at me. "Have I been that blind?" he asks me. He shakes his head, his eyebrows furrowed together. He laughs mirthlessly. "And to think I got you two acquainted…" he rubs a hand through his hair agitatedly. "I just can't wrap my head around it. How could you do this to me?" he asks, his voice torn.
"It was as simple as breathing, really," I say.
Sasuke snarls. "Do not make me hit you again. As it is, seeing you infuriates me enough."
"Then why bother?" I ask angrily.
"Because I want to understand!" he says.
I bite my lip, breathing hard. The lover in me fights with the part of me that's his friend. "Want to go somewhere and have a drink? As friends?" I suggest. Now that I've resolved to tell Sasuke everything, I'm going to do it this very moment. The cat is already out of the bag, so to speak.
"You are no longer my friend," Sasuke's pleading eyes look accusatory for a moment, then he shakes his head. He's hardening his own resolve, I know. I let him take his time. "I know a place," he says as he leads us to our bikes.
We ride the somewhat short ride to a small bar, neatly tucked into a corner. It's charming once we step in and I take in the stone structure and the bar neatly lined up with alcohol. A low bass beat plays in the background. It's smooth enough to blend in with the surroundings. Small booths are lined up against each other, intimate and cozy. The lighting is also strategic as it casts shadows over the booth. I would love to bring Itachi here one evening. I think this is the kind of place he'd like. I've begun to explore his likes and dislikes. And I want this one to be a success.
Sasuke clears his throat and gives me a funny look. "To think I was blind to this face! Stop thinking about him for a second, will you? You make me want to throw up," he says, disgustedly.
I straighten my face immediately. "I'll try my best," I say, making him roll his eyes. I place our orders of a pitcher of beer and some snacks.
I sit straight, tensing my body for the onslaught of charges that will be placed against me. The lover in me protests with the friend again. I know it's not his place to say anything about my relationship with Itachi. But the friend in me understands that he deserves to know. I want this to work out between us like I want my next breath. "This is a nice place," I smile at him, glancing around, my mind still on the date I can imagine with that gorgeous man who has all of me.
"Yeah, I know." He seats himself next to me. "I only brought you here so that I can hit you without causing a scene," he says, making me grin.
"Aw, you'd never!" I joke, my smile dying when his eyes look into mine.
"You think I want to joke right now?" he asks.
I immediately open my mouth to retaliate. But our server arrives with our order, giving us some pause. Sasuke immediately fills his mug and drowns three-fourth as he looks at me.
"We're drinking till we drop tonight," he says, making me blink.
"Okay?" I say, chugging down some beer as I think about what he's playing at. Exams start in two days. But his eyes give nothing away.
"I'm going to be questioning you and you better tell the truth. Or I swear to God I will lose my shit if you lie." He warns.
I narrow my eyes at him. "I don't owe you any explanation, Sasuke! Itachi is his own person and so am I! We're allowed to like whoever we want!" I say to him, matter-of-factly.
Sasuke finishes his mug. He sets it down and glares at me. "Do you know what I see when I look at you?" he asks.
"My face?" I say, trying for wit and his hand clenches harder around his refilled mug.
"I see a man I fucking love with my bloody elder brother flirting right under my very nose. The cashmere gloves, those handmade chocolates, I can see only that." His face tightens. "When did it start Naruto? When did you start looking at him like that?" he asks.
"From the moment I saw him," I answer honestly. I finish my beer and pour myself a refill. I request for a refill from our server.
Sasuke waits till all distractions are over. "So you tagged along all those times with me just so you could spend time with him? Were all our lessons just a fucking excuse to suck face with my brother?" he asks, his eyes hurt as they look into mine. "Did you get close to me for his sake? Were you actually my friend, Naruto?" Sasuke asks. Pain is laced with every word of self-doubt out of those lips.
"I was really hoping you wouldn't say that. Am I really that much of a bastard?" I ask him taking a few gulps of my drink to calm myself.
"I'm the one asking questions tonight, Naruto-kun," that formal, polite manner of speech pricks like a thorn under my skin. I can take his anger, his sadness, his grief. But I can't take this cold demeanor. It hurts worse. I shake my head morosely as I finish my beer.
I look at the pitcher to find it empty. Sasuke's cheeks are pink as he finishes his beer and orders for a refill. I press a glass of water towards him. "You're drunk, Sasuke! Maybe you should take a break," I say.
"You think I can sit here in the same space as you sober?" he snaps at me. "Every time I look at both of your faces, I want to punch something. All this clusterfuck of feelings in my chest is driving me insane. I'm one second away from snapping someone's neck. I can't even go home and pretend nothing is wrong in front of Kiyoshi -" he looks up suddenly and a shudder works its way from the tips of my hair down to my toes. He looks menacing as he looks at me. "Does Kiyoshi know?" he asks.
Malice wars with concern as he thinks about the consequences. Regardless of our situation right now, we all do not want one thing. We don't want to see Kiyoshi hurt. "I don't know," I say.
Sasuke nods. "Better if he doesn't know." He looks sideways at me. "His heart is too young to be broken," he says. He leans his head against the table.
I feel guilty, like a swindler who's managed to con three hearts. Three hearts whose beats are as precious to me as my own. The first one, I've vowed to protect with my life, even though I might break Kiyoshi's heart. And I've already hurt my lover with my insecurities. But they belong to me. As for the third, I'm aware that it's going to take a long-long time to unbreak. Three hearts that have always beaten for each other before I stole them. Sasuke's pain is understandable. This is tearing his family apart. And it's all because of me.
Sasuke's head comes up. "I can't decide whether I want to kill you or my brother. But I just want to keep one of you alive to feel this anguish I've been feeling. I'd just started to make peace with the fact that you didn't reciprocate my feelings. Hell, Hakone made me think all was normal in between us only to find out that you and my brother are "inevitable" and what not! Do you even know how that feels? Didn't you once think about me when you started this?" he lashes out. His punches are harder than usual. "Whatever happened to the promise of putting me before him? Where does that go?" he asks. "I hate you so much right now, I wish you'd have just killed me instead," he whispers. Tears slide out from his eyes.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry but I'll try to give you as much time as I can. I told you that you'd come before him and you will. Why does our friendship have to change at all?"
"Oh but it does! Don't you get that?" He asks me, his tone soft. "You two have hurt me beyond thought. I don't even go home these nights because when I see his face, I see you. And that just drives me insane." Sasuke rubs his face with an agitated hand. "Can you understand this feeling?"
"It will pass with time,"
"So will your feelings or his for that matter!"
"We'll face the day if it ever comes."
"Why not now?" Sasuke leans forward and smirks cruelly at me. "You're leaving soon anyway. Quit while you still can. It'll only get worse later."
He's really hit me where it hurts the worst. Panic rises forcing me to take a sip as I look down and compose my thoughts.
"I'm not here to quit Sasuke. He didn't fall in love with a quitter. And while you may not understand this, I can guarantee you that with time you will." I tell him as smoothly as possible. Everything that revolves in my head when it comes to his brother is a sorcery that I just cannot explain. There are no words near enough that can express the magnitude of my feelings. I sigh as I glance down at my hands which are tightly wound around the handle of my beer mug. I know it irritates him. But even at gunpoint, I don't think I could have schooled my features any other way than they take when I think of Itachi.
Sasuke's eyes look away from my face, his mouth set in a grim line. "That still does not justify shit," he mutters silkily. He eyes me sideways with narrowed eyes.
"It doesn't need to. Our feelings are our own."
"You are an asshole Uzumaki Naruto!" Anger and irritation take over.
"At least I'm not a terrible brother!" I scoff at Sasuke. "Believe it or not, he's miserable because you are hurting! But you just -" I stop myself.
He laughs. He actually laughs. "After what my brother's gone ahead and done, you think I'm the terrible one?"
"Aren't you? You can't even be happy for his sake!"
"Then tell me what would you have done?" he asks and then smirks again. "Then again, you don't have a brother who's shadow you've had to live in. What would you know?" Truer words had never been spoken. "And this time too, he took away what I wanted most. How can I forgive that?"
"Why the fuck do you think we hid this from you? Besides, this was never a competition Sasuke. I was never yours. Whether by choice or by design we met and fell in love. You were never a mediator. Because even if I hadn't become your friend, I'd have still found my way to him. That is what we are." I lean forward and regard him coolly. "So, even if you were to ask me to breakup with him or some other useless shit, I won't."
"I don't think it'll ever need to come to that." He crosses his arms and regards me coolly. "You'll be saying your eternal sayonara to him soon. He's not serious about you Naruto."
"Then why go through the pains of coming out here and telling you?" I ask him.
He shrugs. "Because he wants to rub his victory over my face? As far as I can tell, this is a sick game and you are the pawn." He laughs now, looking more insane than I ever have. "Don't come crying to me later."
"I won't ever need to. That won't happen at any cost." I look him right in the eye.
"You're awfully bold and shameless for someone who's done something so ugly to me." He leans forward and I lean back instantly. It's a reflex to his action. He doesn't even blink as he scowls at me. "Did you two even think about me?" he asks and then sighs at my silence. "Was it fun? Did you two get a good laugh out of this? " he speaks through gritted teeth. He's keeping his anger in check, I know that. But I'm seething now. The nerve of this motherfucker!
Were he slandering only me, I could laugh it off. Maybe I would get a jab or two in. Words are our sharpest weapons anyway. "Laugh? Does this look like a fucking prank to you Uchiha Sasuke or has anger melted your brain to absolute redundance? Do you think we'd become like this all for a fucking joke?" I ask, gritting my own teeth, fighting the anger that's rising. Who the hell does he think he is? Just how much does he want to deny it?
"What else do you think it is? My brother was serious about a person once. He married her and I don't need to tell you how that went. Besides, he has a son Naruto! There's no way he'll choose you." He shakes his head and looks at me cruelly.
"What makes you think we can't have a future together? A kid having two dads is more common than you think. Grow up a little!"
He surprises me by laughing. "Idiot! I'm trying to tell you that you've made a wrong choice." He folds his arms across his chest. He smirks. "My brother is not gay, Naruto. He'll break up with you the moment he feels the societal pressure."
I have to laugh. "You don't get it, do you?" I ask as he fumes. "Do you even know your brother?"
"That's precisely why I can say this, you bastard! Heh, we'll see once he leaves you when he's done with you. Your exit from Japan will be your exit from his life. You'll see." Conviction at his own words drips, making an ugly puddle of feelings rise between us. I am a second away from hitting him. I won't even care if they called security here and threw us out. At this point, I think getting a couple of good punches in will somehow expel this storm raging inside me. It'll be the perfect vent.
"Thanks for your concern Sasuke but I don't really see how my presence or absence in Itachi's life affects you," I cross my arms across my chest and look at him.
"Let's just say, I'm giving you some advice as your friend."
I scoff. "This is ridiculous!"
"He's straight Naruto! The novelty will wear off soon. And then you'll see how stupid and pathetic you are. Maybe then you'll know what I'm feeling." he says, standing up to walk away. I pay quickly and follow him. "Hell, I look forward to the day he drops you like a hot sack of potatoes!" he looks at me and smirks. "Don't say I didn't warn you."
I exhale and let it go. Itachi's given me his word and taken away all my insecurities. I believe in him. I want to believe in him.
Once outside, I run up to him and grab his arm to turn him around. "You are going to apologize to Itachi-sama," I tell him.
He grabs my face surprising me and forces a kiss on me. His teeth bite down hard on my lower lip. Revulsion and anger take over as I throw him off. "What the hell, you bastard!" I wipe my lip to see blood. My lip is torn and it's this motherfucker's fault.
He moves towards me again and I evade quickly. "Stop using 'sama' in his name in front of me! He may like it but it makes me sick!" Sasuke scoffs at me.
"Your existence right now makes me sick!" I spit at him.
He smirks cruelly. "Why? Because right now I'm the biggest hurdle between you and your so-called lover? Have you always been like this? Willing to kick away the very ladder you needed to succeed in your sick mission?"
"I've told you this before and I'll say it again. You played no part in bringing us together. Crawling, running, sprinting, I'd have definitely found my way to him. So now, stop throwing a tantrum and go home. Please!"
"I don't take orders from backstabbing asshole such as yourself, Uzumaki-san," disgust drips from each word. "I'd rather die than listen to you or that piece of shit I share my last name with," he spits. "Just you wait!"
My hand moves to the front of his shirt as I grip it hard. My anger is at the surface, bubbling hotly. "You can say whatever you want to me but if you do so much as squeak shit in front of him or hurt him anymore," I draw up close to him. The vein in my temple throbs madly, "I will kill you," I say. His eyes are looking into mine, wild and stormy. My eyes don't even carry the faintest trace of humor as they look into his. I let him go. "And go home today. He's waiting," I say.
Sasuke glares at me. "Who the fuck do you think you are?" he barks again.
I flatten his shirt, the area I'd held in my fist like a vice not a minute ago. "Someone who's one day going to share the same last name," I tell him smoothly.
"Over my dead body," he whispers.
I look into his eyes. "This is not your call to make. We've made our own choices and if you want to fight it out, then let's see it till the end," I say.
Sasuke looks into my eyes and smirks. Something inside me stands at attention. The premonition that rises puts me on alert. I don't like that look. "Oh you don't want that," he says, silkily, too casually.
I cross my arms across my chest. "Uh-huh? And why is that?" I ask. My only worry is him lashing out at Itachi. My hands twitch when I think of him saying a single rude word to my person or worse, hitting him.
He grabs me by the lapels of my shirt this time. "You don't want me to hurt him, right?" he laughs under his breath. "I won't. But instead you'll break up with him," he says. "Because Uzumaki-kun, if you don't, I'll tell our parents all about your torrid romance with my brother."
My punch connects with his jaw before my brain registers the action. Regret at what I've done flows in with the pain the physical contact brings, momentarily. My jaw unhinges itself, unable to take the weight of the scream lodged in my throat. "You fucking bastard!" I launch myself at him just as his fist connects with my jaw. We fight with our hands and legs like we've been possessed. Somewhere on my cheeks I've been scratched but the pain barely registers over the satisfaction that comes when my fist hits something. The frustration at not being able to see my Itachi-sama because of this moron right here spills over. All my pent-up feelings are getting an outlet as I scream at him. "Why are you out to destroy your family, you fucking imbecile?"
He grabs my hair and pulls my head back. "My family destroyed me first! It's only fair that I return the favor."
I grab his face and push him away rudely, punching wherever I can. I feel like the cylinder of adrenaline inside me has burst. "Have you gone mad?"
"I don't care if I have!" he screams back, his fist hitting my shoulder. "You two hurt me, Naruto. You hurt me so fucking much!" I still when he hits me a few more times. "Why does it have to be Itachi? Why?" he screams. "I'd promised myself I wouldn't let that band-aid on your throat affect me in Hakone! When you told me it was your lover who did it, I was fine with that too. I had to be. You did not love me back. But when I saw you with Itachi, how you two looked, it broke something inside me. Something that can never be repaired. You two ruined the trust I placed in the two people I thought were closest to me." His voice breaks as he cries now. My own eyes fill. I knew this was coming. I'd known this since the moment he became mine. I knew the choice I'd make, that deep-down I'd always known who I would choose.
I put my hands on his shoulders. The guilt of ruining not one but two relationships crushes me. "I'm sorry Sasuke but this is how it's come to be," I say, tears running freely now. It's ripping me up inside, millimeter by millimeter. I can feel every tear, every empty space inside me. "This doesn't have to change anything between us or between you and Itachi," I say. I look at his face, at the tears running down his cheeks.
"Break up with him," he says and my head snaps up again. It feels like salt is being rubbed in the freshly ripped pieces of me. "Do it for our friendship's sake or I'll tell our parents!" he sobs.
I look up at him. "You can't do this to me," I say, my voice hoarse with all the holding back I'm doing. A part of me wants to physically tear him apart, so that he can feel a smidgen of what I'm feeling.
"I can't bear to look at you as it is and if I was to see you two together again, I don't think I could take it," he says swiftly.
"Are you even listening to yourself?." Fresh tears run down my cheeks at the prospect of a life without him. "I don't want to lose you Sasuke but I'll die without him," I say. I can't believe he's making me do this. I know what my choice is. I've told him it. My insides have crumbled under the weight of the loss I have just incurred.
"Then that death is something you'll fucking deserve," he says, his voice carrying not even a hint of remorse. Earlier, he'd spoken of wanting to kill one of us. I'm happy to take this bullet. A part of me is very, very thankful for this confrontation if it means he won't say a word to Itachi. I don't want to worry him. But losing Sasuke hurts like a limb is being torn from me. My ripped insides sizzle with renewed pain. "You know what my brother would choose, right?" he asks and I hate that I judged him so wrongly. That I wanted to be friends with such a scum.
"He's already made his." I take a step towards him and grab him again. "Even if I were to break up with Itachi, it certainly wouldn't be because of you. Because now I know, I don't even want to go back to being friends with the likes of you. I guess this is goodbye." I spit out the words at him.
And then I push back his body and turn around and walk away.
I'm glad this brought somethings out in black and white. I wonder why he didn't turn out like his brother. Thinking about his brother makes me wonder how he would react to this. Dread fills my insides as I walk mindlessly, my thoughts on Itachi's possible reactions. I know he won't like it. I know he didn't want things to come to this. He didn't want to lose Sasuke too. But his decision to tell him changed things. I want to see him. My mind fills up with thoughts of him. I want to put my head on his shoulder and cry this feeling away. I want his smell, his familiarity around me so bad that I ache with it.
It's not till I'm standing in front of those familiar automatic gates and ringing the doorbell that I register my surroundings. Unknowingly, I've walked all the way till here. I glance behind me convinced to see a furious Sasuke standing there but there's no one there. I turn around in time to see the lock move as the door opens and the man who can just wipe it all away with a single look stares back at me, surprise evident in his eyes. "Naruto?" Itachi questions, staring at me aghast. Shit! I didn't even consider my appearance. He pulls me in quickly till we stand at the entrance, illuminated by the single automatic light. The television plays inside. Some evening anime that Kiyoshi enjoys.
"Itachi-sama," the tears that were somehow being kept at bay, flow down freely now at the sight of him. I weep like a fucking baby as I break down at his doorstep. Itachi doesn't say anything. He just leans forward and wraps me in his arms. I sob as I clutch him like my life depends on it. "I'm sorry Itachi-sama. I'm very sorry," I cry out in between sobs. "I'm sorry I ruined your relationship with Sasuke. I'm sorry I'm the reason you two are not talking. I'm just so fucking sorry!" I cry into his shoulder.
"Hush, it's not your fault," he pats me gently as he consoles me. I don't know for how long I stand there in his arms pouring my grief, but after the dam of tears subsides, I lift my head from his shoulder. The sobs still wrack my body but I've somewhat gathered myself. "How about we talk over some tea?" he asks. His gaze runs wildly over my face. I'm too caught up in my own misgivings to register it.
I shake my head. I shouldn't be here. Sasuke will come home tonight. I know it. I don't want him to say a single thing to Itachi, mean or not. My presence here will be the worst weapon to use. "I shouldn't be here," I say.
Itachi refuses to let me go. He cups my face and runs a thumb gently over my scratched cheeks. I'm sure Sasuke drew blood. "That can't happen, Naruto. I can't let you go back looking like this," he says, looking beseechingly into my eyes. "Wait here a second. I'll send Kiyoshi away so you can go into my room. You remember where it is, right? he asks.
I nod, my mood preventing me from teasing him about it. "Wait here five minutes after the television shuts off." He turns around and heads inside. I wait dutifully and then pick up my shoes in my hand as I make my way into his room.
Itachi is in Kiyoshi's room, probably putting him to bed. I place my shoes neatly to a side in his room over a plastic bag I find in my bag. Immediately, I walk to the bathroom and look at my reflection in the mirror. That asshole really went all out. Along with the scratch marks I have on my cheeks, I also have dried blood on the side of my nose and prominent bite marks on the side of mu lip. Renewed anger fills me. I pick up the bottle of mouthwash and rinse my mouth till my tongue is numb.
My eyes move down and I see that droplets of blood are splattered all over my white t-shirt. My knuckles are torn and have blood on them too. I look like a fucking train wreck. It only makes sense that Itachi wouldn't want his son to see this bloody face. I wash my face, wincing when my wounds ache. I wash away the blood as best as I can. I'm wiping my face gently with a towel when Itachi walks in. His questioning dark eyes probe into mine.
"Hop in the shower," he orders. "I'm going to get you a change of clothes," he says. He hands me a spare toothbrush and slips out. I brush my teeth aggressively before I strip off my clothes and step into the hot water. Every raw inch of skin screams at the burning temperatures but I just lower my head and let the water burn down my body. The adrenaline rush leaves me as bone-deep exhaustion takes place. I kneel on the floor of the shower, not thinking, not feeling anything. I want nothing more than to sleep and never wake up. I sit there on the floor for how long I do not know. Every bit of me hurts like someone took a baseball bat to me and beat me to a bloody pulp.
"Naruto?" I open my eyes to find Itachi standing beside me, eyeing me worriedly.
I move to stand but every muscle in my body refuses to comply so I just sit there. My brain is a blank slate. It's like I'm watching myself helpless in the shower gone cold already, unable to lift a finger even. "I'm exhausted, Itachi. I am sorry, I can't move. I'm so sorry," I whisper as I look at him.
He turns off the shower and comes to lean against my side. He puts my arm around his shoulder where it dangles uselessly. My body as is numb as my brain. "Try lifting yourself?" Itachi grunts and clarity returns razor-sharp. I pull every unwilling muscle in my body to move. Chills wrack my frame when sensations return. I lean against the wall shivering when he places a towel over my head and wraps a bigger towel around my waist. I get out of the shower and he helps me put on the clothes he got me. Once done, he seats me on a wooden stool and blow dries my hair. He touches every strand gently as he cards his fingers through my hair. Sleep flows in like a tide on a full moon night.
I open my eyes and study his face in the mirror in front of me. I lift my lips in a valiant attempt at a smile. He doesn't return my smile. His eyes are roving over every cut, every bruise. They stare at my lip too hard and I fight the urge to squirm or bite my lip. Like this, it feels like I'm looking at my bruises from his eyes. The questions in his gaze burn like megawatt bulbs. But I don't want to talk tonight. I lower my eyes and pointedly look away.
He stands up abruptly and brings a box filled with bandages. He turns my face towards his and methodically cleans every wound, applying band-aids. He doesn't touch the bruised lip. I don't ask him to. But once done, he takes my hand and leads me to the bed.
"Do you feel better?" he asks quietly.
I manage a nod and force a smile on my face.
We move to the bed where he wordlessly pushes back the covers and pushes me gently towards the bed. "Lie down," he orders again. I realize now that this is the same tone he uses with Kiyoshi. I'm being babied and I don't hate it.
I lie down obediently, happiness peeping through like sunshine from the crack in the doorway when he gets in beside me.
"Can you just hold me tonight?" I ask as I grab his hand and he gets in closer to me. My body sighs in relief when it comes into contact with his. My brain is slightly foggy and my headache forces my eyes closed. But his arms around me are tight as they hold me. He moves till his right hand is under my head and then he turns my head and cradles it to his neck. His fingers lightly play with the hair at the nape of my neck. I push myself as close to him as I can, wanting nothing more than to just dissolve in him.
"Go to sleep my darling. We'll talk tomorrow," he says, placing a small kiss on the side of my head. Words so rare that I've longed to hear them are being spoken but I don't have it in me to appreciate them the way I should. My chest, however, feels slightly lighter.
And the peace that only comes to me when I'm here in his arms takes me under as I fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.
My darling.
Dawn paints the sky with its red hue when I open my eyes next. My eyes go to the wall clock and it's sometime after four-thirty in the morning.
"Sleep well?" I gasp, startled to hear his voice and see him awake.
He traces the bite mark roughly. Sasuke's already caused a tsunami in our calm sea and he still wants to create more ripples. Itachi pulls my face forward by that lip till I'm nose-to-nose with him. "Sasuke?"
I nod. He lets go and gets up from the bed. He takes a seat on a chair beside the bed. His haggard expression is enough to tell me he hasn't slept a wink.
I still as I watch him, trying to gauge his mood, to figure out what he's thinking.
The ripples are working their magic. He's never put any distance in between us when we're here. I look away. I regret coming here and showing this side of me. Giving into my impulse was a bad idea. Their relationship is already ripping from the seams and it's all because of me. "I'm sorry, Itachi-sama."
Itachi runs a hand through his trussed hair as he inhales deeply. "I'm going to go talk to him," he moves to stand but I grab his hand and shake my head.
"There's nothing left to say," I tell him softly. Sasuke's threat rings in my ears and I feel like yesterday is happening all over again. I inhale a couple of times to calm myself. "It's okay, I've said my goodbyes," I whisper.
Understanding passes between us. I take a deep breath before I look up at him. "I'll tell you everything. But later. Right now, can't you just stay here beside me?" I plead.
He loosens his grip from my fingers and pulls his hand away. I mourn the loss. But it's only to see him looking at my scars again. His jaw tightens. He's holding back a lot of what he wants to say. I can feel it in the waves of unease that flows between us. I take his hand in mine and move to place my head on his shoulder but he moves and my nose goes straight into his shoulder bone. Immediately, pain shoots up. "Ow!" I can't help rolling away to clutch my nose.
Itachi grabs my face to check the damage himself. "Is it bleeding?" he asks and I just shake my head but he tilts my head up and turns his head talking about looking for some tissues. I've just discovered another cute side to my Itachi-sama.
"I'm fine!" I grab his hands and turn his face to look at mine. A chuckle escapes me. Itachi's worried eyes look at me for a moment and then he chuckles as well. It blooms into quiet laughter and then suddenly we're just laughing like idiots. I pull him in my arms and hold him tight to me. Sasuke can say anything but I know I can't let him go. Of course I'll tell him everything. He deserves to know after all! But right now in this moment, I just want this man in my arms.
Because this man, he's mine.
The next time I open my eyes, it's sometime after six-thirty. I look down to see my lover fast asleep. His face rests against the crook of my neck as one of his arms is wrapped securely around my torso. His legs are twined with mine. I turn my head and his long glossy hair tickles my cheeks. He stirs and I still for a second, not wanting to wake him up. But my hands are helpless as I push aside a strand of his honey soft hair and press a kiss to the top of his head. Long eyelashes fanning his cheekbones move a couple of times before he looks up at me and smiles. "Good morning," he says before burrowing his face in my neck again. He breathes deeply. "You smell like me," he says, planting a tiny kiss there.
I hold him to me as I kiss the top of his head. We've only woken a handful of times to each other like this; getting to spend the whole night with him beside me. It feels like a special moment. This peace that settles in my bones when I feel his familiar weight in my arms makes me want to never move from here. Last night, I could hide my misery under the cover of the night but now that morning is upon me, I need to put everything out there. I've promised this man honesty and I'll deliver. "I'm sorry about yesterday," I say.
Itachi looks up at me. His eyes dance with the multitude of the questions sitting in their dark depths. "You know, ever since yesterday apologizing is all you've done," he says. His hand moves up to my face again and he lightly traces my lip again.
I nod. "And I'm sorry for that," I say. His eyebrows furrow darkly as he shakes his head at me.
"Are you ready to tell me what happened?" he asks. I like that he didn't interrogate me from the get go. That he gave me my space to get ready. That he understood my need for a moment. I love these little facets of this man. They make him so mature, almost noble. They make this bond so deep.
I grin and wince when my lip protests. "Let's just say, I got what I deserved," I tell him.
"That too?" he points at my lip before exhaling loudly. "The whole night I kept thinking about what I wanted to do to the person who hurt you like this even though a part of me was convinced that it was my own brother. I won't let him get away with this," he vows looking at me, particularly at my torn lip. His caveman appeals to mine and despite how dank and horrible I feel about what transpired and what's to come, I manage a small smile.
"If it's any consolation, he looks worse," I remark. His eyes narrow at me for a fraction. I know how protective he is about people he loves. This is almost an automatic response.
"What happened yesterday?" he asks me again after exhaling deeply. His fingers move to my hair again and he runs his fingers softly through it.
Reluctantly, I break away from him and sit up. I draw up my legs and place my face on my knees. I tell him everything. I start right from what happened after the Business Japanese class to the bar invite and the eventual brawl. I turn my face into my knees again to wipe the tears that are dripping on my borrowed sweats. I take a deep breath and turn to him. "He wants us to break up," I whisper.
He nods. "He's been harping about that from the get go. What else?" he looks at me, his gaze sharp and probing.
"Just that if we don't, he'll tell your parents." I say in a small voice.
Itachi's breath shortens at that. "Foolish little brother!" he sits up instantly at that and all but snarls at me. I don't need to look at him to see the anger there. It's rolling off him in waves. I can feel it. I run a hand across my face, wishing I could just delete last night from my memory.
I nod feeling atrocious. I wail as fresh tears prick my eyes. I turn to the man who anchors me to him as he mirrors my pose and slides his arm around my neck to pull me closer. My face rests on his shoulder. "There's already a rift between you and Sasuke because of me and now if your parents were to get involved, it will only make everything worse. And I know it's all my fault. I won't…I can't be the reason for another rift with your family, Itachi-sama. But I can't let you go. I just…can't, Itachi-sama. I know I'm being selfish to a fault but I want you. I want to spend my life with you! I know you want that too but I don't want this to ruin your life." I bawl like a heartbroken toddler. Had I known I'd have to see a day like this the day I received the email from the university, I'd have reconsidered this friendship. In some ways it would have been better if it never happened. Then I wouldn't know how this feels.
He takes a deep breath. "I'll talk to him," he says quietly. It is the same tone he spoke to Sasuke with and recently he's been using it all the time his name comes up. The guilt scratches at my throat again, choking me. Two people I want more than anything in the world and I'm being forced to give up both purely because of one obstinate jackass. Even though every time I think of last night, I can't help but hate Sasuke. And I never thought I'd come to hate someone. It hurts to know that underneath all that niceness and intelligence lies a man who's so fundamentally stupid, it makes me doubt my judgment.
I shake my head fervently. "No. I'll talk to him. I'll beg if I have to, but Itachi-sama I can't let you go. That's all I have to say."
Itachi whips his face up to look at me. "Beg him for what?" He looks like he wants to break something. "When I saw you standing on my doorstep last night, do you have any fucking idea how I felt?"
I shake my head.
Itachi's thumb traces my cut lip. "I felt like killing the person who'd done this to you," he whispers. His arms drop away from mine. "I spent the whole night so angry, just planning the whole thing despite knowing deep down that the only person who you'd let do this to you is unfortunately my own blood." He sniffs. "But it kills me inside to know the things he said to you Naruto. This relationship is ours. We are not taking shit from him," he says.
His words change something in me. I can see us winning it. The things this man makes me feel I can achieve… If Sasuke cannot see something as transparent as this, I really am a bad judge of character. But the threat doesn't just involve us. Sasuke is hell bent on bringing their parents into this. Can't he see how little ground I've covered with Itachi in the small time that I was given, that there is so much more to discover? That there are oceans inside this man and I want every to scour single one of them corner-to-every-endless-corner. This bond that we have is still growing and I've been tirelessly working towards strengthening it. Tiptoeing carefully and watching him walking up to me. But the mountain that stands between us is bigger than anything else.
"But he's threatening us with your parents Itachi-sama! It's going to tear you apart! How can I overlook that?"
"Then I'll just start again from scratch." He looks at me and smiles.
No, no, no.
"And what do you expect me to do? Watch you fall apart and not do anything?" I want to holler down this whole house. I want to the ground to split apart and bury me whole when I think of seeing him lose the only thing that matters.
"Then what the hell should I do? How am I supposed to look at his face and just pretend he didn't just threaten our relationship with my parents? As it is, I want to punch his teeth into his throat this very moment. How the fuck do you expect me to say nothing after all this?" he asks, his eyes shining with sorrow as they look at my scratched face. The damage this man is incurring is twice as mine. This war between his brother and me is only leading to destroying Itachi chip-by-chip, bet-by-bet.
He takes my hand in his and kisses it. "I'll talk to him. This threat, it won't work. I'll make sure of it," he vows.
How in the world can I say no to that? I nod pathetically.
He turns to leave but turns around and bites my lip, right where Sasuke's torn it apart. It hurts but I revel in it. He pulls it apart with his teeth as his eyes meet mine. "Never let this happen again." He licks the blood and swallows. "Your face, your mouth, your blood, your bones, all of you belongs only to me."
Exhilaration fills me as I bow down to my king.
Sasuke confronts me the next day after my Communicative Class in the afternoon. He fucking waited outside my door ensuring he wouldn't miss me. He scoffs at me when our eyes meet and he tilts his head sideways. I follow him. I know what this is about. Itachi told me last night. I nod and follow him quietly towards the side of the building that leads to the annex. He steers towards the smoking area and we go. He pulls out his pack and lights one, taking his time. I watch him take a leisurely puff as I'm sure he's probably thinking from where to start. My throat struggles with the urge to pull out my unopened pack. I haven't smoked in a while since Itachi confessed he didn't like the smell. It's been sheer iron control since then. But I've walked on my own feet to my personal hell so I can't even complaint.
"I knew you were a fucking bastard, but I didn't know you were a sniveling rat too!" he sneers at me, blowing smoke at my face. I'm burning inside.
"He asked, I answered," I say shrugging, pushing my backpack higher on my shoulder.
"And so you went and told him everything? Oh Naruto, I really pegged you for a better friend." He says, his tone almost wistful. "You are such an asshole!" he says suddenly jerking his hand down to stub out his cigarette.
I pull out my pack of smokes and light a cigarette. The puff fills that void inside me, making me light-headed as the nicotine hits. I snigger. "Of all the people in the world you should not be calling me an asshole. I mean have you seen yourself? You know every time I think of you, you make me glad that I am an only child. I mean I don't get what the fuck your problem is, honestly. Are you genuinely mad that I'm dating your brother or are you just jealous?" Great. We are back to dancing around the same questions.
Sasuke looks at me like he very much wishes I burn to the ground. I raise my eyebrows at him. "You know what your problem is," I ask, inching in closer till I'm almost at his face. "Your problem is that your nose is poking too deep into something that's none of your business." I take another puff of smoke. "And you'd never tell your parents," I say, calling his bluff as I stub out the rest of my cigarette.
He jeers at me. "And why is that?" he asks. This feels like a test I've just aced.
"Because you know I won't ever choose you, come what may." I smirk. "Don't waste your time on unnecessary things that won't ever happen." I correct his words. That unnecessary future isn't for us. That man is my faith. I move forward an inch and rudely blow the smoke on his face. His nostrils flair angrily as he pushes his body to defend itself. Heh! After that night, I'm never having a replay of the way Itachi had glared at my lip. Well, it is his mark I'm wearing now, though.
I cross my arms across my chest. "So you can either let it go and pretend your curiosity didn't lead you here or accept it. You can think we're temporary or whatever you want. I don't care. But stop with this hostile behavior. It's doing no one any good. You should learn when to quit."
"I love you Naruto! How do you expect me to just sit back and watch you two?" He looks away before turning back to me. "I think this has gone on long enough. You've had your back scratched," he looks away and sneers disgustedly. "and so has he. But to quit this bullshit romance before it starts to really hurt." It's a thinly veiled warning.
"Or what? You'll tell your parents?" I laugh sarcastically. "Oh please! You'll never drag your parents in it. You don't have the guts to stand the aftermath. Oh and this is purely from your perspective." I smirk at him. "As for me, My family will only be too happy to adopt him and Kiyoshi. Mom's always wanted a grandchild, you see." My smile diminishes when I took into his eyes. "And also because out of the three of us, you and I, we both have one thing in common," I say. "You and I know that we'd die fighting but we'll never out Itachi." I straighten, getting ready to leave. "You may be scum of a human but even trash like you would know what outing someone entails."
I turn around and walk away.
Asshole!
"I'm sorry," I say as sincerely as I can.
Tenten-san regards me over her coffee cup. We're seated in the Starbucks in front of the library. She insisted she wanted to try the limited-edition summer drinks they offered and I agreed. I idly swirl the ice in my caramel macchiato and look down. I know what she wants to say. She's meeting me today because of the absolute trash I've written in my third draft. It is my final draft containing the conclusion. And it's complete shit. Excuses brim inside me, bubbling to be voiced but I quell the urge. I don't want to make excuses. I'm not the kind of man who does this.
"Naruto-kun, are you alright?" She asks me as she places the cup on the table. She wears her black hair in the usual two buns on either side of her head. I regard her quietly. It's a question, I'm tired of people asking me every time they see me. Finals begin in two days and I know I'll not have any time to revise this draft in the next two weeks. Not to mention the fact, that I feel like complete crap. And it's only because my Itachi-sama has banned all meetings till my exams end and it's eating me inside.
I feel terribly guilty when I look at her. She herself must have managed to squeeze time for me from her own busy schedule. It makes me feel like an asshole.
I nod, sitting up straighter. "I'll revise this tonight, I promise," I say.
She shakes her head. "That's not what I asked. When I read your conclusion, I thought you were prejudiced about something. Like something had taken away your focus from trying to prove the point you're out to make," she says in a tone much gentler than I anticipated.
Against all the bleakness inside of me, I manage a small smile at her criticism. She isn't far from the truth though. I have been distracted. I've been so distracted that I didn't even pay attention to what I was writing. The shit show that my life has become has just become the sole target of my focus. "I understand. I'm sorry," I say.
"I know it's not my place to ask, but did something happen?" she asks. I really, really want to tell her. Well, not the whole thing with Itachi but may be bits and pieces for perspective. But then again, I don't want to involve more people than are already a part of this circus that is my life now.
I shake my head and aim for a brighter smile. "No, I'm fine," I say.
Tenten-san pulls out her iPad where she's got my shitty draft open on her screen. She points out to a couple of changes that I'm required to make and then moves to my dreaded conclusion. "This part," she points at where I've mentioned that once the distance between two people who were once close increases, the level of formality rises. I mentioned that out of my own experience. Sasuke's stiff politeness still pricks. "You've mentioned it in your conclusion but you haven't given a single example to back it up," she looks at me.
"Do personal experiences count?" I ask, my voice breaking.
She looks at me longer than required. "Only if they were a part of a published scientific experiment," she says softly. I think I've unconsciously told her the gist of what happened. She puts down her iPad and gives me her full attention. "I'm sorry this happened to you," she says. "If it's any consolation, it's better to let them go."
"Even if they're family?" the question slips out before I can catch it.
Tenten-san picks up her drink and slurps from it as she thinks. "Then you know the answer because it's the same everywhere, isn't it? We all love the same way, don't we?" She smiles at me while I mull over her words. While a part of her assumption is a misunderstanding, what she says strikes home.
I nod. You either shut out that person completely or you leave it to time. With Sasuke I wish it is the latter. "Are those words from personal experience?" I say by trying to lighten the atmosphere.
"Yes," she smiles her friendly smile at me and it helps heal this void a little bit.
I nod. "Sadly we can't use any of it in my research. It would have been nice if I could have," I take a sip of my macchiato, tasting its sweetness for the first time.
"And why not?" she smiles at me. "You could ask your Japanese friends to participate in a questionnaire and then maybe your foreigner friends too. Who knows everyone's on the same page?" she says.
I bite the head of my straw contemplating it. I already have a list of past participants who were a mix of Japanese and international students. Hell, maybe I can get Itachi involved! He'd love to do this with me. I smile at her with genuine happiness. "I think that's a brilliant idea!" I say. I could email the survey tonight itself. I'm sure some people will bother to reply. And now I know where I'm going.
"You really are the best tutor I've ever had," I say to her.
She picks up her drink and twirls the straw around. She smiles at me and says, "Well…you're not too bad a student yourself."
"Thank you," I bow politely, grinning with happiness after a really long time.
She shakes her head. "I'll wait till after exams for your draft. I'm really looking forward to what you're going to write."
I stand, picking up my bag and my drink. "I promise I won't disappoint," I say.
"No. I don't think people are going to be okay answering that," Itachi says, striking across a question I'd jotted down on the paper between us. We're seated in his shop on a sofa near the doors.
"Okay, then how about this," I ask, leaning forward and looking down at the paper. "What if your partner's brother or brother-in-law doesn't approve of your relationship, how are you supposed to greet him," I smirk when he looks at me and bursts out laughing.
"You are unbelievable! You're using our romance for your research!" he looks at me accusingly.
"But what's wrong about that? I mean, isn't your life a personal research project?" I ask, smiling charmingly when he laughs.
"Personal research project eh," he smiles softly at me, savoring the words. "I like that. I like this thought a lot." He looks down at the paper and I can see the wheels of his brain churn at a threatening speed. "Let's do this. Let's make this questionnaire our research." He shines in my eyes. "But we can't be that direct like you said, so let's tone it down a little-"
"Marry me," it's just there, out of my mouth before I can control myself.
"Yes I will in three years." He doesn't miss a beat, turning the poignant moment around.
I frown. "Why not in one?"
"Because you need to graduate and get a job. I'm not marrying an unemployed bum. Oh and I like platinum more than gold."
I fight a gasp. I can't believe he's thought this through. "If I achieve all of that in two years, what then?"
"Even then."
"But-"
"Now study," he turns his eyes back to the paper and just like that the most pivotal negotiation has been put on hold. I turn back morosely to the paper and then at him.
"How about," I say, turning the paper around, towards him. "You write down questions that you deem people will be okay answering," I say.
Itachi takes the paper from me and immediately begins writing something. His hair falls forward as he leans down. Unthinkingly I reach out and tuck it behind his ear. He smiles dryly at me. "Concentrate," he says.
I stick out my tongue at him. I want to touch him. I haven't been allowed to see him for nine days. And now I don't want to stay away. I trap one of his feet between mine and pull it closer, under the table. His head comes up when he looks at the paper and then at me. "Stop while I'm being nice."
But I don't want him to be nice right now. I want him as desperate as me, as deprived as me. Though my questionnaire was a sincere reason to come see him, right now, my research is the last thing on my mind. I want to know what he wants. I hold out a hand above the table. He looks at it and then at me before he leans forward and clasps my hand in his. I immediately raise our joined hands, placing kisses to his. Holy God, I've missed this feel. "I'm home," I say in Japanese.
His face lights up when he hears the greeting as he smiles at me. "Welcome home," he says. I want him to say it to me forever.
"How are you?" he asks, his accented English sounding so charming, the simultaneous destruction of another basic greeting, makes me gasp in sheer happiness.
"Better," I exhale. "Like I've found my sun again," I say, my smile reflects the happiness of my words. Itachi chuckles softly.
"I thought you were the sun?" he asks, raising his brows at me.
I stand up and move to sit beside him on the sofa. I nuzzle his neck and press a kiss there. He looks down at the paper where he was writing questions and he asks, "Are you sure you're here because "you absolutely needed help with your research paper or you'd die?"" His voice is light, teasing as he quotes me from when I called him earlier.
I bend down and sigh again. "That's half of the truth. But I would have died if I didn't see you soon."
He laughs. "But you see my face every night when we video call!"
I shake my head. "It's not the same thing. But it was the only way you would let me see you after you put that stupid ban." I shrug nonchalantly. "A man's got to do what a man's got to do."
Itachi hums. "I was actually planning to come see you myself but then I thought of Kiba and decided against it. I don't think I'm ready to face him." He breaks our joined hands and runs a hand through his hair. He returns to his writing wordlessly and just like that we break into ambient silence. I look at him scribbling neatly on the paper, his beauty so mesmerizing, he really takes my breath away. Jealousy twines itself tightly around my chest when he gives all his attention to my research paper. The juxtapositions that arise in my mind when I'm with him are criminal. But right now I want his eyes on me.
"You're staring," he states, his head still bent over the paper.
"It's because you're not," I say as I grab his face before he can react and kiss him quickly.
He raises his brows at me. "For someone who was going to die if they didn't see me, what took you so long to do that?" he asks.
I shrug. When I came in today, there was that lady who now reads translated novels regularly in the shop. So I was forced to keep my hands to myself. Now that she's gone, I can finally take all the liberties I want. Making out here in his shop is my guilty pleasure. Caveman me wants to paint every memory of mine on these walls here till he walks in this place and immediately thinks of me.
"Why? Were you waiting Itachi-sama?" I ask, trying but failing to hide my smile. I bend down and kiss him again. This time abandonly, with every bit of the fire he ignites in my veins.
"Well, sometimes you've got to make the moves too, you know?" he raises his eyebrows at me for emphasis. "I mean, a man's got to do what a man's got to do," he smirks at me.
How I've missed this!
I let out an unexpected chuckle as I look at him dumbfounded. Haven't I made all the moves first to get his attention? But then realization hits me. When it comes to physical intimacy, I mostly wait for him to initiate things, always letting him take his time. It is of utmost importance to me. I've sworn to myself to walk at his pace, always. And maybe that's why he thinks of me as a passive lover? There have been thousands of times when my mouth has sought his before my brain caught on it.
"Are you saying I don't kiss you enough?" I ask. This moment feels like one of those jumbled moments when I need clarity to be on the same page.
Itachi sits up. His hand idly twirls the pencil he's holding. He shakes his head. "No, that's not what I'm saying." He licks his lips and I kiss him again. Getting bolder, actually relishing this chance to do what I can. He breaks and then runs another hand through his hair. "What I mean is, you don't really kiss me first," he explains.
"There's no explanation to that. But trust me that it doesn't mean I don't want to." I take his hands in mine again and kiss our joined hands. This, right here, is my reverence.
This is not something I'll ever tell him. This is mine and mine alone. Just like this man who sits in front of me. But there are things I don't want both parts of me to know. Maybe this can be the sole exception to my promise of honesty with this man. I carry them both with honor. "Going forward, I want you to do what you want to," he says, bending his own head and kissing my hands. "It wouldn't hurt to try, trust me." He winks at me and smirks.
I throw back my head and laugh.
If this man wants my kisses, then I'll drown him in them. He can't even fathom how much I want him.
And a man's got to do what a man's got to do.
I hit the 'Send' button on my email as I send off the questionnaire to all the people who've participated before, hoping that some of them will reply for sure. I've even got printouts that I'll distribute around or get filled. I'm very optimistic about it. Some of the questions are courtesy my Itachi-sama and I'm just dying to get people's feedback on them. It's something we did together which will go down in the history of language research and I can't wait to leave our little footprint on it.
Final exams start in a frenzy of last-minute cramming and staying cooped up in the library or my room. My mind already feels like a caged animal. The only good thing is the amount of responses I've got for the questionnaire. I'm surprised so many people have responded. More than twenty people have manually filled the form while forty people have emailed their answers back. It's made my research so much more exciting. What felt like a chore till the day I met Tenten-san in Starbucks, is now actually taking shape. I've been spending every spare minute happily poring over the data and analyzing it. The results have been wonderful. My exams ended yesterday and now I'm almost at the last leg of what I think is going to be the perfect conclusion.
I carefully finish inputting the data to create the pie chart I'll be using in my research. My email pings and I open it quickly. Sasuke has replied to my mail. I forgot he was on the mailing list too. I quickly open the mail to see what he's replied. I'm surprised to see that he has actually bothered to reply to every question after giving it some thought. After the way he's shit all over our friendship, a part of me was convinced, he'd probably just write 'asshole' or 'traitor' and send it back, that is, if he'd ever bother to reply at all.
There's a short answer that makes me smile genuinely for the first time since I walked away from this idiot. Hope sparks in my chest at the simple 'yes', I see there.
Do you think communication is the key to get closer to a Japanese person? Someone you've lost? I borrowed a leaf off Tenten's and used it as a question.
Who'd have thought!
I tear a bit of my chocolate chip bread and throw it near the pond where a gaggle of ducks wad around. They eye the bread curiously, put it in their beaks, then paddle away. Itachi chuckles next to me where he's seated on our bench in the park. After dinner today, the weather was perfect for a walk and we came here. The chocolate chip breadsticks were actually a well-loved dessert we agreed on. It's night now and the sky is painted across the whole spectrum midnight blue to black. The colors blanket an endless expanse in all its starry beauty. It's gorgeous. "Bread is actually bad for ducks, you know," he murmurs.
I bite my lip. "Oh shit," I swear without thinking. "Why didn't you stop me Itachi-sama! What if one of them dies?" I ask, staring at him.
Itachi's lips twitch. His tell for when he's fucking with me. "How is it that your antics can be so…" he struggles for the right word. That's right, My Itachi-sama fights for the right word and I lap it up like fine cream.
"Cute? Amusing? Adorable? Perfect?" I start listing off words off the top of my head. He laughs shaking his head.
"I won't say it," he says.
"Because it's all the above and you can't choose one?" I ask innocently when he snorts and oh-my-god my heart comes totally undone.
There's no warning, no sigh, no hesitancy whatsoever when I don't even glance around before kissing him. His lips are stretched into a smile when my lips land on them.
My own lips imitate his when his eyelashes cast their glorious shadows on his cheeks as his eyes close. The kiss morphs into several small ones. I lean away and grin at him. "You were saying?" I say, fighting the urge to laugh.
"Huh?" he says back.
"Did I distract you?" I ask.
His eyes bore into mine but I can see the smile he's fighting. His eyebrows draw together in exasperation. His eyes move down to my lips and that familiar tug behind my navel pulls me into his cleverly mastered spell. "Your entire being distracts me, Naruto whether I'm with or without you," he says softly.
It's like a magnetic attraction when I draw closer to him. My nose skims his cheek and I breathe him in. That cologne he wears on the regular now makes me want to burrow my face in his neck and live there permanently. My lips move down and we kiss. Electricity shoots in my veins when his mouth opens. My entire body is tuned so his every movement, from his breath right down to his very heartbeat. I move to deepen the kiss but he pulls away when a dog barks close by. I grab his chin for another kiss but he turns his head away. He looks down at his watch and then stands up. I hold his hand. I don't want to let him go as it is and now after his words, there's not a cell in me that can let him walk away. "Talk to me," I say softly, urging him back to sit beside me.
He shakes his head. "I don't want this getting more dangerous," he says softly.
I scowl at him. "Dangerous? What do you mean?" I ask.
He licks his lips and pushes back his hair with his hand. I'm jealous of that hand this moment. He sits on the edge of the bench now and every time I lean in closer, he moves further away. The distance between us may not be more than a few inches but it feels like a fucking mile. Only because, my Itachi-sama won't let me touch him now. "Look Naruto," Itachi starts as he looks up at me. The color of his face cannot be determined but it doesn't take a genius to know he's embarrassed. "I'm…I don't have the composure to control myself right now," he looks at me as if willing me to understand.
My slow brain fights to understand this. "Composure to control yourself?" I ask, my IQ definitely in the negatives.
Itachi bites his lip as he stands up again. His hands come together in front of his crotch. "We've only kissed and I'm hard," he says.
Oh. Oh.
My brain collides with reality and it results in a grin blooming on my face. "Want me to take care of that for you?" I ask.
"Public washrooms are not my scene." I roll my eyes and grab his hand, standing up as well.
He showed me his secret place, it's only fair that I return the favor, so to speak. "As if I'd ever take you there," I mutter under my breath as I lead him to the part of the park I know like the back of my hand.
I drag him behind the tower that stands to the edge of the other side of the pond. "Here?" he asks.
I push him against the weather-beaten tower and get on my knees in response.
A gasp is all the answer I get.
This man wanted me to take liberties with him.
Who am I to say no to that?
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