Volume 6: Reach Heaven Through Violence

Chapter 1: Second Verse, Same as the First

"Even the sun may someday die."

"How do stars die?"

"Usually by overdose."

— 1 —

You: Hey Mittens it's Jaune

Mittens: How did uu get this number I blocked yo

You: No restraining order is stronger than my love

Mitten: creep!

You: in my defense i only sent you those boob pics because I thought they were yours and wanted to make sure your ex wasn't posting revenge porn

You: I confirmed with several of the boys in class and they said they looked like yours

Mittens: blocking u, bye!

You: wait fr this is important

Mittens: *sigh* What?

You: But fr have you see me? I don't know where i am and I'm lost. I need a fire rescue unit or something I don't know how I got here

Mittens: I want u to know i am texting you using only my middle fingers. Blocked now, kthnx by~

The number you are trying to reach has blocked you.

I rolled over and sighed. Didn't know phones in this world were kind enough to let you know when someone was blocking you. Or maybe I did. It was too early in the morning to be accessing my "long term memory", and I was too hungover to care in any case. I still don't know how I wound up in this tree, but from the sounds of people nearby, I probably had to be on campus. Or in the city. Remnant Germany?

Whatever.

I grabbed the wrong branch and it snapped under my weight. With a yelp I tumbled though the canopy before hitting the snow beneath with a whoomf. Without anything to hide behind, the sun took particular pleasure in ejaculating its solar rays right into my eyes. Dick. I tried to move and realized something crunched beneath me.

Sitting up in the snowy garden, I realized I'd landed on a pile of empty beer bottles of no particular brand. A couple I'd clearly just smashed open, unable to pop the top. The bottlecaps were still on their broken necks, a treasure awaiting some lucky Fallout scavenger one day. Worse was how the bits of broken glass had cut into my jacket, tearing up my back and the left sleeve of the raggedy old coat I'd got from Cards in the Lost & Found when winter had first set in.

I sat up, taking stock of my surroundings. Yes, Beacon. Sitting near the main courtyard. Not sure why I was in the tree at night drinking. I'd probably just lost my room key. Again. And no one had let me back in. My big dick energy ruined Team BASS' tiny vagina energy. Dangling my legs over the edge of the raised garden, I kicked idly as I watched the empty courtyard. I grabbed one of the beer bottles, still mostly foul, and downed it all as a poor man's hair of the dog. It helped me feel warmer, which I'd need. With my sleeve torn to shreds, it wasn't doing me any good.

I used the broken bottle to rip the rest of the sleeve off, revealing the bare skin of my left arm. Once upon a time, I'd wanted a tattoo, probably with a bible quote from, like, Jeremiah or something. I told myself I'd get one once I got cut and jacked, but, well, after the wound from Grimmbles the Irish Beowolf and the months it's taken to recover from that, we can see how well that plan went through. I tossed the bottle over my shoulder and let it shatter against the rocks. Cleaning up was a problem for the jannies.

And really, fuck Beacon's jannies. There was this one guy who I always found at weird places, listening into conversation. I had concluded he might have been another multiverse fuckup like myself, so naturally I chased him down to try to kill him. I was Jaune Arc, the alpha Self-Insert sigma male. But no, he was just bored and liked teen gossip. I think. He still totally deserved extra, unneeded work for annoying me every so often.

Wherever he was. Not like I paid attention to anyone.

I checked the time of my nearly dead phone and realized they were serving breakfast, and I really needed some caffeine in my system. I'd need some energy to wash down the painkillers and whatever other random pills I had on hand.

So I barged into the cafeteria, walking up like I had a big cock, cut the line to the coffee machine and grabbed myself a few cups. Then I sat down next to a very particular girl and gave her one of the coffees.

"Yo, what up, Ying-Yang Twins?" I said, grabbing a piece of bacon off her plate.

"Hey, that's mine!" Yang said sharply. She'd been about to punch me, until seeing it was me. The girl just sighed, rolling her Targaryen eyes. "What are you doing, idiot?"

"Begging for forgiveness," I said, pushing the coffee to her. "I was hungry and you had food. I offer coffee in exchange for my life."

Yang put her chin on her hand, giving me a bored expression. "You could have gotten your own."

"Yeah but the line's long."

"That didn't stop you from cutting in line to get the coffee," she said, cocking a brow.

"See, that's where you're wrong," I said, holding up a finger as I downed 800mg of ibuprofen with black coffee. "The kids going for the coffee first thing in the morning are weak and tired. They're not ready to handle reality yet. Meanwhile, the guys going for food are strong and confident. And I only pick on people weaker than me. It's why I always win. Besides, this is your favorite coffee."

She held up the paper cut and sniffed. "You really know what my favorite is?"

I snorted. "No. Do you honestly think I pay any attention to anyone but myself? Lower your expectations, Yang." I grabbed the last bit of bacon from her tray, and she didn't fight me.

To say Yang liked me would be wrong on so many levels I couldn't even begin. But to say she tolerated me… also not really true. It's more like after poking around her long enough, and the fact that she thought it was hilarious Ruby and I were self-declared rivals, she just sort of accepted I'd occasionally be around. Her mistake, really. It meant she was one of the only people in Beacon I could actually talk to, which made her my go-to.

"Jaune," she said, drinking the unflavored, unsugared coffee "the bar is so low it's a tripping hazard in hell. Yet here you are playing limbo with the Nine-Eyed King."

"I know," I said, nodding. "Amazing that even at rock bottom, your opinion of me can still get lower."

Yang snerked. "Yeah, I guess. So what do you really want, boy?"

I sipped coffee. "Tryna find me my partner. About yea tall, hairbow, answers to 'Jaune, that's not my name.' Ringing you any bells?"

She chewed over a mouthful of eggs and hot sauce. "Dunno. What's it worth to you?"

"Point me to my partner or the pictures go public," I said, eyes narrowed.

"What pics?" Yang asked.

I hissed. "Damn. I was counting on you already having a blackmail problem I could exploit."

"Try again."

"I'll be your best friend."

She pointed her fork at me. "That's a threat, not an offer."

"I know. I'm threatening you. I'm very scary."

Yang sighed. "Why do you even want to find her so bad?"

"I…" I paused, and sniffed. My nose felt itchy, a little wet. I rubbed it against the bare skin of my exposed left forearm. "I don't know. Just feels like the thing to do. Help ya boy out, please?"

Yang put her fork down and whistled. "Wow. I think that's the first time I've ever heard you say please in my life."

"Don't get used to it, sista-girl," I said, gesturing my coffee her way. "I swore an oath against the use of magic words. But my partner's worth the blasphemy. The fact that you're not saying you don't know means ya got an idea."

She looked at me for a moment, before making a so-so gesture. "Yeah, I guess. I saw her hanging with one of the foreign students staying over for Vytal. Over in the student center."

"Oh yeah," I said, standing up. "We got foreign boys here. Bet Mittens up on that thot shit with the new guys."

"New guys?" Yang asked, folding her arms on the table. "They've been here for a hot minute. Headmistress Salem had a whole welcoming ceremony for them and everything. Are you drunk right now?"

I scoffed. "Yang, when idn't I drunk?"

She shrugged. "Eh, it's your liver."

"All the same, thanks for the help."

Yang pulled her head back. "Okay, now you're saying thanks. Jaune, are you broken?"

I froze in place midway through walking away. "I… huh, yeah. Weird. Manners. I'm not apologizing, though. That's a bridge too far."

"Apologizing for thanking someone would be kinda weird, yeah," she said, and sipped her coffee. "Shame. You were this close to being a person."

"Never again, Ying-Yangs," I said, flashing her a pair of finger guns. They were .45 caliber, the manliest caliber. Dangerous bidness.

I passed by a high siddy-looking Eurasian chick in a designer dress on the way out. I squinted her way, meeting her eyes, broadly convinced I knew her from somewhere. The person with her, a black girl with hair it looked like she stole from a tube of toothpaste, gave me a weird look. Vaguely I recalled they were new students like the one Blake was hanging with. Not that it mattered. And if I thought it did, I convinced myself I was just seeing things and went out through the snow.

Oh, and I threw my empty coffee cup on the ground. Fuck you, Self Insert jannie looking ass.

True to Yang's suggestion, I found Mittens in the Susebron Student Center. She was leaning back, chatting with an overeager faunus boy with… well fuck you, buddy. Showing off your abs like that. What a dick!

"I never thought of it like that," Mittens laughed.

The boy held a bottle of water in his monkey-tail. "You should. But no one does. Life's better that way."

I crashed into one of the chairs at their table. "Ayo what up, fam? Mittens, what I tell you about having friends. It doesn't suit you."

"Jaune!" Mittens hissed, sitting up straight and tense. "What are you—god, I can smell the booze on you. Take a shower!"

I held up my fingers. "In order of business, no matter how many times you try to cancel me for racist homophobia, you can't keep me away. And also, it's my new cologne. I think it's a real panty dropper eau de Stella Artois or something. I don't know; I don't speak French. Yo, monkey boy, whatcha think? Are you seduced yet?"

The boy blinked. "Uh, hi. I'm Sun Wukong. And no, I am not. Pretty much the opposite of seduced."

I nodded. "Ah, I follow. Orangutan faunus, right?"

"What?" he asked.

"Y'know, organtauns can get so unhorny they dicks invert into pussies," I said. "That's probably what my partner is trying to accomplish. She wants to peg your reverse penis."

Sun blinked. "Your partner? Like… romantic—"

"No!" Mittens shouted, standing up sharply. She grabbed the water bottle from Sun's tail and threw it at me. I tried to deflect with my Aura, only to feel a nosebleed coming on. I didn't have an Aura. Why the hell did I think I did? "Leave me alone. I was having a good time!"

I rubbed the new bruise on my face. "Okay, one, ow. And two, fuck you too. I need your help."

"Go away!"

Sun sat there, sucked on his lips, hands in his lap. He looked like a boy watching mommy and daddy fighting. "Do… I get a say here?"

"No!" Mittens said, teeth grit.

"I ain't leavin' till I get what I want," I said, eyes narrowing.

"Yeah, well, I want a restraining order!" Mittens said.

I clicked my tongue. "I already made that joke. Do I have to steal another phone to send you demeaning texts?"

"Uh, that sounds like a dick move," Sun said, wrapping his tail around his water bottle and picking it back up. "I mean, yeah."

Mittens ran her hands down her face, groaning. "Jaune, fine. What. What could you possibly want?"

I blinked. "Huh. Wow. Didn't think I'd get this far. Okay, first of all, I want you to get another student ID. I stole and then lost your last one trying to buy beer the other night."

"What?!"

"And second, I…" Why did my nose hurt? Maybe I snorted the wrong drug last night and forgot. That sounded like me. I rubbed my eyes. "I need your room key."

"Why?!"

"Because I think I lost it. Why else would you have locked me out of the room last night?"

"Have you," she asked, annunciating every word with a knife-hand gesture, "checked your. Other pocket?"

Scowling, I reached into my left pocket. And pulled out a key. "Oh shit, hey, you're a genius! I think if we put our heads together we'd have at least one brain cell between us."

"You have your thing. Go away!"

"But your ID that I stole fair and square?" I asked.

"I'll get another one without you. Gods!"

I stood up, holding up my hands defensively. "Okay, okay. I'll be in the room, then. Y'know, if you need me."

"I won't. In fact I'm gonna get a hotel and never come back."

I snorted. "How you finna buy one? I stole your ID."

"I have a credit card."

I grimaced, looking at Sun. "Do we think I should tell that she doesn't anymore or do you think she'll figure that out on her own."

She grabbed Sun's water bottle and threw it at me. "Leave!"

This time I held up my arms, protecting myself. "Sun, Sun, before I forget, her PIN is 8532! Use this information wisely!"

Mittens screamed at me as I turned tail and ran.

— 2 —

Blake sunk down back in her chair, holding her head in her hands. Sun just kept sitting there, unsure what to make of… any of that. He side-eyed his water bottle, unsure if he could go for it again, or if Blake would just as soon snatch it and throw it through the window.

He kept his hands in his pockets, just sitting there. Until finally Blake looked up, eyes a little red.

"…sorry about that," she mumbled.

Sun swallowed, risking everything to grab his now-dented water bottle. "That happen often?"

"You have no idea," she said with the thinnest smile.

"Partner?"

Blake sighed, looking away. "Yeah. Huntsman, I guess. It's like every day. He keeps stealing new scrolls just to text me. It's unbelievable!"

He unscrewed the top and drank, more to buy himself time to think. Sun still didn't know how to reply to that. One moment, he's talking with this sweet, dorky faunus girl, and next he's watching a fury explode. He felt that even talking about it was like talking about an ex; you didn't do that. It ruined the mood no matter what the context was.

Sun tried a smile. "Wanna swap teammates? Shack him in my room. You can take my man Neptune. Blue-haired guy, can't dance to save his life. Might save you the migraine?"

Blake gave a sad little laugh. "Thanks, but you don't deserve that." She took several breaths, trying to loosen the tension in her shoulders. "I just—I just want to have a nice time. Can we go back to that?"

He paused for a very long moment. "But, for real, if my penis could invert, you wouldn't try to peg it, would you?"

The girl sputtered an unlikely laugh. "What?"

He shrugged. "Iunno. Something he said and now I'm haunted. Probably gonna have nightmares about that mental image for weeks."

"No!" she said, shaking her head. Relaxing slowly. "Gods, no. That's gross. I wouldn't. Don't let that boy get into your head. You'll go insane."

Sun pretended to wipe worried sweat off his brow. "Whew. Okay, good. That was a major red flag, like a girl talking about her psycho ex."

She made a face. "Red flag for what, exactly?"

Sun shrugged, looking away. "Oh, this and that. I spook easily." He winked.

"Mm, you say that, but I'm very scary and you're still here."

He snorted. "You, scary? You're a cinnamon roll. Scary girls don't wear cute hairbows because they're embarrassed by their ears."

Blake hissed, a slight flush on her cheeks. "Hey, not so loud!"

"You should really stop hiding them," Sun said. "They really are cute."

"Stop it, stop!" she laughed, looking away.

"Hey, it's your life," he said with a shrug. "Mistral was always a bit more hostile to people like me, but you save enough people and bare your midriff enough, and you learn people can look past things like that easily."

She looked down at her stomach. "I've got… some skin showing."

Sun nodded seriously. "Why do you think Huntsmen do it? We have to show off our gains. Look our best. Get the boys and girls to swoon. Faunus or not, that matters. Image and looking cool. And kicking butt in the Vytal Tournament."

She rolled her eyes, smiling. "Gosh, Sun, you're so shallow."

"Nah, just observant," he said. "And stylish. Stylish and delicious."

"That's dumb. You're dumb."

"Yes, and?"

"And…" Blake just shook her head. But it seemed like all thoughts of her jerk of a partner were gone. He'd distracted her with a complete mess of nothing. Sometimes it paid to try to lower the IQ in a room and then blindside them with something.

It was fun, in any case.

He was about to search for the next dumbest thing he could say to get the cute girl to give another cute laugh, when he heard a commotion from the wider student center. Blake frowned, and Sun felt his good mood starting to slip. Not another distraction. That was the wrong kind of stupid. Only his stupid matters. Ladies loved it!

Sun might've been able to ignore it. Beacon was full of loud noises and shenanigans. It was a lot looser and more fun than Haven Academy, where he was from before volunteering to come to Vale for the Vytal Tournament. Except that it was that short girl who manned the student center's front desk, apparently having been pushed to the ground. Cards or something, he thought her name was. Another faunus girl poorly hiding herself under a blue beret. She'd been the one to check his team into Beacon, and had been practically drooling over him enough to make his skin itch.

But, well, someone looked like they needed a hand up. Sun couldn't help himself. He flashed Blake a one second finger and hopped out of his chair to go over and help her up.

"Oh no, I've fallen and need a hunky hand to help me up," the girl cooed, and Sun drew up short, suddenly feeling like this was a trap. He glanced back at Blake for some sort of moral support, before looking the other way and freezing.

At first, he swore it was Jaune. Except he looked all wrong. The first thing he saw were those eyes, a murderously determined look with a low burn of Aura behind them that made his skin crawl when he looked into them. His hair looked a little longer, a little messier than it had mere minutes ago. He was wearing plate armor all across his body, looking dented, shot up, and with old stains of what Sun really hoped wasn't blood. His right arm was wrapped in dirty gauze, a tattoo sleeve covered his left arm.

Jaune reached down and picked Cards up, hauling her up with one hand. It was impossible not to notice how much bigger he looked, more muscled, with a visible midriff that even Sun could respect as one totally not a man to another. Hell, Jaune even looked taller, maybe because he wasn't slouched or cringe.

"Uh, sorry, I do that?" Jaune asked, trying to let go of Cards. She held onto his hand.

"You can do a lot more to me," she said.

The boy jerked his arm free of the girl, who just pouted. "Thanks, but I'm fine. Cards, right?"

She gasped. "How do you know my name? Am I already famous!"

Jaune cringed away from her, stepping around the girl, and nearly bumping into Sun. He looked over at him, without seeming to recognize him. Then that determined look again, and Sun felt like he wanted to be anywhere else. It took Sun a moment to realize Jaune wasn't looking at him. He was looking past him, straight at Blake.

Oh shit, he thought, heart sinking. He had such a bad feeling about this.

The boy flashed Sun an almost apologetic smile before slipping past him and nearly sprinting to Blake.

Oh shit oh shit!

"Holy shit, Blake, you're okay!" Jaune called out, coming to a sliding halt before her.

Blake looked like an angry cat, eyes wide. "Jaune, what are you—did you literally change your entire outfit to look like Sun?"

Jaune blinked. "What? Blake, no, I—"

"How come now you know my name?"

He just stared at her, uncomprehending. "Blake, hol' up. Calm down."

"No!" she hissed. "You calm down. You steal my ID and credit card and then—ugh! I can't believe you. I told you to go before. Away. So go away!"

Cards whistled. "Ooh, I think they're fighting. Monkey boy, do you have any popcorn? This looks good!"

Jaune scoffed. "I ain't finna go me nowhere without you, Blake. You don't remember?"

"Oh, I remember. Which is more than you do. Let me guess, you ducked away, stole a new outfit from the lost & found, and downed more painkillers with booze? I can still smell you from earlier."

"I…" He stepped back, eyes wide, and licked his lips. "But, the caves? Montluçon. Team CFVY. Any of that?"

"Gods, how drunk are you, Jaune?"

Jaune stepped back with that same look on his face. He looked down at his hands like they were toys he didn't want anymore, before reaching up to grab his own face. He felt himself like a blind man trying to memorize some object.

"I… died, didn't I?" he whispered, and started to breathe heavily. "I died. That—that bitch fucking killed me. You don't remember anything, do you? Anything?"

Blake pressed herself into her chair, side-eying him. "Okay," she said slowly, "and now you're freaking me out. Please have a mental breakdown somewhere else? Maybe one of the friends you don't have will care."

"I have to do it again, don't I? Fucking—" He threw his hands up and screamed. "Fucking whore!"

"Whoa!" Sun said, running up to the scene. "Don't call her names!"

The boy jerked, elbowing Sun in the face. He nearly didn't bring his Aura up fast enough to stop it. The guy had one hell of an elbow. Even with Sun's Aura, it hurt. He nearly cursed the jerk out, but stopped when he saw that nearly feral look in Jaune's blue eyes.

Jaune seemed to realize he was making a scene, and just held his head in his hands, rocking back and forth. Slowly he backed away, fingers gripping tight enough to whiten.

"It's… it's okay. I knew this would happen. I knew they couldn't kill me. Why does anything think I can be killed? I… I can do this again. Yeah, yeah. Starting from zero. Yeah. Again. Me, Blake, Weiss, everyone. Again. All over. I can—I can—yeah!"

Sun expected a fight or something. Maybe he'd need to tackle and try to subdue the armored guy. Hell, he expected the boy to throw a toddler's fit and start smashing and slamming things. But instead, almost eerily calm, he just kept muttering to himself and backing out. Before he turned, muttering louder and louder as he just… walked away.

And left everyone alone.

Sun met Blake's wide eyes. "Okay, pardon my Valais, Blake, but your partner is fucking insane."

a/n Hi, welcome to V1 of my new RWBY crack self insert, I, Jaune. Remember to smash that like button, turn on your notifications, comment, and subscribe for more updates!