Rootin; tootin; toil n' shootin'
Fire burn and cowboy bootin'
Eye of newt and spicy beans,
Toe of frog and denim jeans,
Whiskey, grits, n' demon spittle
tossed into my iron griddle
With the tannin' of our hides,
Somethin' wicked this way rides.
Tumbleweeds rolled by westernly as I dusted dust off my cowboy boots and spit some of my molasses into a tin. I heard the telltale moo sound of mooing as bozo wrangled his cattle and he turned to me.
"Buisness is good pardner, want a herfer?"
"No thanks," Y/N answered, pulling her (YOUR/HAIR/COLOR) hair into a cowboy hat. "I'm going vegan, but have fun with your swastika."
Bozo slapped me hard across the face with his horse crop. "I work hard for these hefers."
Suddenly! Pennywise walked in in his western clown garb and a gaint ten galloon hat that stretched ten feet in the air and hit the ceiling.
"Howgy Ho Hardner!" He greeted, his assless chaps flapping in the breeze.
"How do you explain clowning to a clown that has no clowns?" Y/n asked Pennywise as you milked a cow.
"I have clowns that wont quit you slut." Clownwise clapped back.
Pennywise jumped onto the saddle of his black 2019 horse and began to gallop away. He was out on a clown journey in westworld that was sure to bring chaos.
Cowboywise made his way to blackwater and hitched his horse. His sun kissed ass cheeks shone in the light, his natural white skin tanned from the harsh summer blaze of glory. He walked bowlegged over to the local saloon, and when entering his 1000 gallon hat squished a bit to accommodate the ceiling.
Suddenly the piano player stopped playing. Every cowpoke and lady of the night stopped what they were doing to see the clownfellow that entered.
Pennywise bellowed, "Got anything to eat in this dump?" For that split second everyone made their judgements and quickly went about their business.
A middle aged woman in a suit worked the bar and he took a seat in front of her. Her nametag clearly read "bowers" and she was wiping down the counter and spitting in some cups to clean them.
"Don't I know you from somewhere?" Pennywise said lowly.
Bowers responded, "A woman's got to eat, and being a social worker doesn't put food on the table. Nevermind that, what can I get ya honey? Some popcorn perhaps?" That got a chuckle out of a man next to pennywise.
"Ya got something to say, pardner?" Pennywise growled.
The man looked like he hadn't bathed in 10 years and his pristine clown makeup had long been tarnished. He looked like he rolled in dookie.
"Yeah I got somethin' to say. I see a cowpoke who thinks he runs the joint the second he walks into it. You gotta earn that title. I for one, did, and I'm badah ba ba ba; lovin it."
Pennywise scanned the man head to toe. He had steel toed shoes and a giant metal belt that had engraved golden arches on it.
All at once pennywise stood up, knocking his whiskey over and swallowing the spilled drink all in one gulp before it could fall to the floor. He then did a leg sweep and knocked Ronald mcdonald off his stool. He pulled out his Winchester rifle. His trigger finger discipline had always been sublime, but today he just wanted to ruin someone's day.
He pulled the trigger to Ronald mcdonald's head and Ronald flew backwards out the bar window. The crowd gasped and everyone scattered out the bar.
The only person who remained was the bartender, bowers, and she was shaking in her three-piece suit.
Pennywise sat back down and giggled.
"I'll take another whiskey. Double."
Pennywise was very drunk. He went and began to piss in the street.
Suddenly Bob Gray hobbled up to him in cowboy garb and leaned on Pennywise as he pissed.
"I have a very rare opportunity, a once in a lifetime offer. You see im a treasure hunter, and recently I have acquired a very valuable map that I acquired from a mysterious native American man that I won in a game of poker he told me that it could bring good fortune to those who follow it. Lets split the winnings eh?"
Pennywise finished picking his teeth with a fork he took from the saloon. He made eye contact with the old man as he was pissing, and stopped pissing every time he spoke and started again when he paused.
He wiped his clown gloves on his jeans spoke. "How about you just trade me that map? Here, I got something for ya."
Pennywise pulled out a glass bottle full of some liquid.
"It'll revitalize the tendons, cure whatever ails you, and give you your youth back. I use it, and look at me." Pennywise chuckled.
Bob gray was in awe.
"All you gotta do is give me that little ole map, and this will all be yours!" Pennywise held up the miracle tonic triumphantly.
"Uhh I dunno partner. My momma raised me right not to take strange potions from strangers." Bob gray said.
Pennywise shoved it into his hands. "Here, just look at it."
Bob gray acted as if he had been struck. "No, no I don't want it!"
Suddenyl pennywise stabbed his fork through the mans hand. Bob gray screamed and fell to the ground and Pennywise looted his corpse and took the map and took his miracle cure back. He did an action jump through the window of the saloon and bowers screamed.
Pennywise waltzed up to bowers and handed her the bloody fork, as well as his miracle tonic.
"Keep the change. And if you sell enough of these... You could get wealthy." He clowned.
Pennywise strutted out of the bar and pulled out the treasure map he prized from that tuberculosis ridden, clam-chowder eating old man.
He found his horse and jumped on it, going to the first marker on the map: a strangely shaped mountain he had seen coming in to town.
A few hours passed and pennywise was getting beat down by the sun, the trip becoming more difficult as it rose. The heat made him woozy and he felt as if he was starting to see things, like women being held captive. He blinked.
A woman was tied up on the back of someone's horse for real, and they sped past! She was hooting and hollering.
"Mister! You with the hat, you can stop this!" Her voice became more distant.
He was still looking down at his treasure map and realized he had almost the mountain, but the captive woman was being dragged away.
"Whatever…" He muttered, and twisted his horse in a fashion so fast it almost toppled over. He chased after the man and finally caught up with the captor, finally getting a good look at his face. He looked like the hindquarters of bad luck.
Pennywise chuckled, then spoke. "You ain't right in your upper story. What's the matter with you partner? Tying up a lady of the night like this."
The man slowed to a halt and turned his head in a dramatic fashion. Pennywise pulled out a large novelty flower.
"Whats that supposed to do? Am I supposed to be intimidated?" The man hollered.
Pennywise pulled the flowers trigger and the flower shot wooden bullets at the man with a loud bang, killing him good.
Pennywise grinned a clown grin and threw the women on the back of his horse.
"What are you doing mister? Let me go!"
"You're cargo now Mary!" He said in an evil clown voice.
Suddenly Papawise rode up on a donkey, the smell of bourbon wafting up his ass. "There's my useless clown father son!"
Pennywise made a quick "YAH!" noise and kicked his horse hard, making it mow over papawise and his donkey. "You'll never understand me son/dad!" He bellowed. He also tossed a mircle cure onto his body.
"Hell's teeth!" Mary yelled from the back of cwise's horse.
Mary had a very homely bonnet and conservative prudish bloomers on.
"I have a whole day planned for us, my mary!" Pennywise called out behind him. All mary said was "You really are crazy!" and "Hell's teeth!" over and over again.
Pennywise made his way up into the snowy mountains, making sure to check if mary had died of exposure.
They finally reached a house. It had little protection from the cold, but was better than nothing.
He carried her over his shoulder like a sack of tuberculosis bricks and threw her into a room.
"Let's see how much heat you can take, barwench!"
At that Pennywise juggled three Molotov cocktails out of his clockets and threw all three at mary at once, lighting up the room and ground around her. Pennywise whistled a long whistle and admired the flames as they licked their way up the walls, nary a mary in sight. He pulled out a stick and marshmallows and started roasting them on the fire.
Finally, the flames died out. The room was filled with smoke but cbwise could make something out amidst the fumes, a struggling form... It was mary!
She was hollering and wriggling trying to get free of her restraints.
"Well darn tootin, Mary. That bonfire didn't faze ya one lick. I guess I'll have to find other means to deliver you to our savior..." He growled.
Pennywise lifted Mary back up onto his horse and they left the decrepit house. They made their way through the snow and passed over a frozen-over lake.
Hours had passed and they were back in civilization. Pennywise spotted some train tracks and stroked his deluxe faux clown beard(tm) evily.
"I never fail to impress myself, mary!" He launched her from his horse and onto the train tracks. He pulled out his premium vape rig and took a big drink? He vaped it.
He sauntered over to Mary, a sliver of sympathy seemed to come over him. He crouched down and offered his vape rig. "Want a hit?"
"Doesn't looked like anything to me." She said. Pwise rolled his eyes and as he was rolling them spotted the telltale sign of train smoke.
"Well WHOO doggies, Mary, we're in for a show tonight!" Pennywise started square dancing by himself and clog dancing as well. He tipped his 100 gallon hat to mary. "My condolences, but it just had to happen this way." The train finally reached her and let out an ear shattering honk, telling her to get out of the way. Little did they know, this was pwise's plan all along.
The train conductor struggled to stop but it was too late. The train finally met mary...But then she just blinked out of existence.
"What in hell's teeth...?" Pwise muttered to himself. The train left the area but mary was nowhere to be found. Not one trace of her bonnet was in the area.
"Goddamn you mary, you son of a bitch!" Pennywise fell to his knees.
Suddenly a crowd gathered around him, carrying torches and pitchforks.
"What is this?" He wailed.
"We're your swindlees! Look familiar?"
Pennywise looked over the crowd and recognized the faces. They were of the people he sold the miracle cures to.
"We all lost our money trying to peddle your junk! Well you're gonna get it now!" The angry mob chased after pennywise until he reached the edge of the park. He fell off a cliff and fell under the map. He spotted a figure and ran over to them. It was mary.
She pulled out a glock and pennywise felt a familiar feeling as if this had happened before. Then all he saw was darkness.