UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
FOR THE DISTRICT OF JERSEY SHORE
CLOWN DIVISION
PLAINTIFF(S) Case No. 69
Ronald Mcnalado
Sal Suey (Y/N)
Papawise
Bill Skarsgard
Bozo
Arthur Fleck
Jared Leto
Heath Ledger Joker
Mary
Clown Vagrants(s)
Bob Gray
Dennywise
COMPLAINT
Unlawful Clownery
JURY DEMAND
Death by Guilottine
Separation of Big Clown
Shoes from the Clown
*If jury trial demanded, please add as set forth above. There is no jury fee in federal court. A jury demand must be filed as a separate pleading or requested in the complaint and included in the title of the complaint. Designating the jury demand on the JS 44 Civil Cover Sheet alone will not constitute a request.
All rise, clown court is now in session. Case number 69, Pennywise vs. Clowns is now in session.
Shouts are heard from the hallway leading into the courtroom, many derogatory terms for women bounce off the walls of the hallway and every clown turns toward the doors in suspense.
Faint honking sounds can be heard as four clown officers carry Pennywise's limp body into the courtroom, each lugging one of his elongated clown limbs. As a statement of protest Pennywise had decided to go limp. The clown officers drop him and he now laid face down on the floor in front of the judge, Bozo the Clown, who gazed sternly down at him with disapproval in his eyes and on his features clearly upset with the situation.
All four clown officers reach out and forcibly remove Pennywises sunglasses from his face, and he quickly scrambles to his knees and tries to grab them back desperately. Pennywise's coddled eyes squint at the stark florescent lighting beating down him.
Pennywise: "No, give those back you sluts!"
There is a clear tan line across Penywise's eyes outlining his sunglasses that must be there from heavy use. Pennywise reaches up for his sunglasses again to no avail as his wrists were bound tightly in clown resistant cold bracelet of the court cuffs.
Bozo: "Order in the court!" Bozo's gavel squeaks sharply.
Pennywise is limply dragged like gumby to sit beside his lawyer sal suey. Pennywise sinks deeply into his leather armchair and it squeaks as he slides to the floor with a glare.
Bozo: "Mister Pennywise, I do not need any more disruptive behavior from you. If you continue to behave this way you will be hanged and quartered and then subsequentially spanked."
The court was unable to see his face from underneath the table, only that his large clown shoes were visible.
Suddenly the court heard a thud underneath the table from a rambunctious pennywise. He sat up sharply in his chair and the judge gave him an approving glare for obeying and sitting up straight.
"I smell him... I smell his cloven hooves...Bill Skarsgard." He whispered cryptically, swerving his swivel chair to gaze into the audience. His defense attorney (y/n) chided him in quiet, rushed tones to pay attention. His gaze turned from the audience to a table lined up horizontally from his own.
His eyes could not be seen as they were covered by a pair of raybands, though underneath they both locked eyes from across the room. Bill Skarsgard smirked chadly.
This set Pennywise off and he began to start barking and frothing at the mouth, only to be calmed by a horse crop from yours truly (sal suey).
The judge Bozo sighed theatrically. "Are we done then?
"This local court is now with you. Appearing before you today is Pennywise the Dancing Clown. He was involved in unlawful clownery and could face death if found guilty."
He shuffled his papers.
"Now I will take the appearances, thank you." Bozo the judge said.
You fiddled with your now well-developed clown shirt and stood.
"Sal Suey, appearing for Mr. Pennywise. He's before the court, if your Honour pleases."
The people of the court all sat down.
"And a plea of not guilty, Ms. Suey?"
"Yes, your honour."
Bozo took a long drink of his long island iced tea. "Let us begin."
Bozo: "First witness to the stand."
The clown officers carry out an urn full of ashes and place it on the stand.
Clown officers: "Witness Arthur Fleck to the stand."
The jury glance at each other uneasily as profound silence fills the room.
Bozo gazes upon the ashes quietly and then leans into his microphone.
Bozo: "Take your time."
The urn once again uttered nothing. Everyone in the courtroom had an expression of understanding and patience, save for one.
Pennywise was vibrating at a frequency that would break glass. He was seething with envy.
The courtroom was so quiet you could hear a clown nose drop.
Suddenly a scream broke out and echoed through the walls.
Pennywise: "He's lying! I didn't any of those things." Pennywise was once again standing in his chair.
Bozo took out a long wooden clown paddle that could reach from across the room and spanked him. Hard. Across the clackside. That silenced him for a time.
Sal Suey Y/N: So you were good friends with Pennywise before the accident, isn't right?
More silence.
Sal Suey Y/N: And you never any negative incidents or encounters with our defendant, Pmeister. Correct?
Sal Suey Y/N: No further clestions.
Bill Skarsgard pulls out his clussy and sets it on the table in front of the jury. The jury cheered in a round of applause and whistles and honks.
Bill Skarsgard: No further questions.
Y/N: Papawise to the stand!
The pungent smell of bourbon fills the cloom as Papawise stumbles down the eye. He is clandily clad in a crisp tuxedo, which shows he tried to look nice to support his son, however the suit is soaked in rum.
Clown officers: "Need a hand, sir?"
Papawise: "No, I've got it, all in a days work."
Papawise was huffinf and puffing and snuffing and luffing and cuffing and buffing as he finally got to the stand. Bill was starting to talk, but Papawise ignored him and started a conversation with his useless clown son.
Papawise: "Now son, me and your mother used to love fishing. Mother clown one day caught a big clownfish." He chuckled to himself, reliving the memory, and somehow climbed over the stand and had his arm around pennywise.
Papawise: "My boy has never hurt a fly in his life. He might have a temper but he's a purebred clown and dependable."
Pennywise shoved papawise harshly.
Pwise: "Don't listen to word he says! He has no idea what he's talking about. He's a drunkard and a slut!"
A clofficer promptly dispatched this insubordinate behavior and put him into a sack and sat on it.
Bill: "Sal suey to the stand."
Bill: "Is it not true, defendent that this deranged court jester clobbered you with his 2020 black jaguar, bouncing you off his windshield like a simple bug?"
She started visibly sweating and pulled out a long rainbow handkercheif which had no end and dabbed at her forehead.
Sal Suey: "No, that is not true."
Bill: "Bob gray as well to the stands!"
A very small, yet built man shuffled his way into the stands along with sal suey.
Bill skarsgard: "Is it not true that you witnessed a crime against humanity, and saw this woman targeted for a hit and run?"
Bob slirped some chowder close to the microphone to everyone's dismay.
Bob: "That's right."
Bill stood dramatically and asked, "Can you point out this man to the court?"
Bob pointed a long gnarly finger at pennywise.
Pennywise stood up in his chair, both hands clutching his clown shirt in clear distress.
"This bitch always had it in for me I tell ya judge!"
The judge Bozo let a distressed fart out, up in his giant inflatable chair, taller than all the other chairs in the courtroom as to show his superiority, which was well earned.
Bozo grabbed his mile long slap stick to once again discipline pennywise, but he ducked under it lithely, and also somehow slipped his cuffs!
"No please! Don't hurt him!" Sal Suey begged on her hands and knees. "He loves me!"
"Loves you?" Pennywise scoffed with a clownish clown laugh. Then Pennywise looked into the camera and said "Or do I?" And turned back to glaring at Bill Skarsgard, who was smirking in his sunglasses. Also his Clussy was on the table.
"Next witness!" Bozo said sexily, his clown charms putting Sal Suey in a brief daze. Bozo seemed unaware and oblivious to the fact that Pennywise was making a break for the door with his long, sexy, clownish legs.
The watchers of the clown court erupted in a sea of screams and cries. There was a pennywise-shaped hole in the wall, and the clown cops furiously jumped through it and gave chase.
Sal suey cried out, "Pennywise! This won't look good for you, come back lover!" A few minutes passed and a squeaky toy-like noise, along with other cartoon noises happened. Then suddenly the cops emerged back into the clown courtroom, one holding Pennywise's shoulders, the other holding his legs.
"Master Pennywise, we warned you about escaping! Now you must suffer the consequences!" Bozo shouted in the sexiest way a clown could possibly shout.
The crowd of clown onlookers collectively gooshed, making a wave crashing sound.
Bozo stood from his clown judge chair and strutted to the center of the court, parting the sea and grabbing pennywise by his back pocket. The suddenly! Bozo began to spank Pennywise vigorously.
"No! Not my favorite son!" Papawise cried, reeking of bourbon.
"How many sons do you have?" Arthur Fleck's ashes asked.
"You don't need more than one to have a favorite!" Papawise said beautifully and took another long, long, long swig of bourbon.
He choked a bit and suddenly! He threw up on Bozo's judge clown shoes. He was swiftly spanked, hanged, quartered and escorted out for breaking at LEAST three clown laws.
"Next witness! Pennywise!" Bozo stated after having a new pair of clown shoes custom made for his massive feet.
Pennywise sat glumly at the stand, his sunglasses leaving a pale and ghostly outline across his eyes. It reminded Sal Suey of the cold tile. It reminded her of the sad, lonely nights when she was pregnant and sitting on the floor of their shared bathroom, only for the pregnancy to be transferred to her one and only lover Pennywise. How quickly things change.
"Pennywise." The prosecutor Bowers said professionally. "You've been accused of hitting Sal Suey with your 2022 jaguar."
"I don't have a 2022 jaguar." Pennwise said arrogantly.
Bowers turned along with the jury to look out the nearby window to the parking lot, where indeed a 2022 jaguar was double parked in the handicap spot.
Pennywise regained his composure from being humiliated and spanked in the middle of the courtroom for 5 consecutive minutes. He looked down to his clown glove and slowly peeled it off, finger by finger. He then examined his manicured clown nails and started filing one.
"What, you think that's mine, slut? They're a popular car."
Then suddenly Papawise was seen by all of the courtroom roaming the parking lot, no clear motivation to where he's going. He accidentally bumped into the car and jumped back, unaware it was there. The car alarm started sounding off, and it was so loud it almost made everyone in the courtroom deaf!
Bozo spoke up. "OK, WELL WHOEVER'S CAR THAT IS, CAN YOU PLEASE TURN THAT CLOWNISH THING OFF?"
Bozo yelled over the alarm. All the clowns in their seats looked at each other and shrugged. Then Pennywise slowly raised his hand and pulled something out of his pocket. He was fervently pressing something, but it wasn't quite working. Then he growled, and aimed his hand into the air at the window! It was keys! He pressed the button again and it silenced the alarm. The clown court went completely silent.
"Those are my house keys." Pennywise said. "Sluts."
"And!" Pennywise yelled, "That must be his car since he's standing next to it!"
The clown court gasped as Papawise stood oblivious and innocent by the scene of the crime.
Bozo banged his gavel. "Bring him in."
The clown cops complied, and went to the parking lot to collect the heavily intoxicated large father clown. Papawise threw his arms over both of the cops, telling him stories about Pennywise when he was a child, and how fond he was of him.
Finally they reach the courtroom and Papawise was put in the stand for questioning, so unaware of his situation that he thought he was sitting on a toilet and promptly relieved himself. Bozo let out an angry, yet restrained sigh as he was a man of the government. "Papawise to the stand…can…can someone clean that up? Thanks." Pennywise started asking Papawise questions.
"Is it true that you're a raging alcoholic who couldn't truly recall whether or not they hit Sal Suey with a 2022 jaguar?" Pennywise demanded to his drunken father, who was sneaking sips of bourbon and sitting covered in his own cliss.
"The only thing I know for sure is that I love my son." Papawise slurred drunkenly with a lopsided smile. The crowd collectively awed.
"Ha!" Pennywise said triumphantly. "An admission of guilt! Take him away boys!"
The clown cops on instinct jolted towards Papawise, but Bozo gave them a knowing look as to stay under his command.
"Just one moment Pennywise. This isn't quite over yet." Pennywise sat back in his clown court recliner with an angry grimace. Bill Skarsgard had been quite silent up to this point, but stood up and walked over to Papawise with a stack of papers.
"Now Mr. Papawise, can I call you Papawise?" Papawise nodded his head sultrily.
Bill continued. "You weren't always the town's drunken fool were you? In fact, at one time you were a quite renowned businessman. Many people told great tales of your sales."
Pennywise grumbled and chewed on his clown glove.
Papawise slurred, "Yes Bill, my old friend, I'm good with numbers." Bill smiled and looked back at Pennywise.
Bill said, "I've heard, though you are an alcoholic 99% times of the day, there is a 1% of the day you are not drunk, correct?" Papawise scratched his head, then nodded. "Why yes, I have to pay the Bill Skarsgards- Bills I mean."
Pennywise's usual white face had turned red, and steam was coming out of his ears.
Bill said, "Now, what is this I have in my hands Papawise?" Papawise's chair creaked from his enormous weight as he peeked over to see what Bill was holding.
"Those are my taxes from this year." Bill's voice started speeding up with excitement. "Truly?" asked Bill. He pointed one exquisite, sexy, normal human sized finger at a line of words on the paper and held it up so Papawise could see. "What does this say here? What did you pay for taxes here?"
Papawise said plainly, "Why that's for a 2022 Jaguar of course, for my son Pennywise!" The crowd of clowns in their seats all stood up at once, and an eruption of chimpanzee-like noises came from Pennywise. He was currently in a child-leash that Sal suey was attempting to hold, but it was pulled from her grasp.
Pennywise lunged sexily and clownishly for Bill, his clown bells jingling impressively and his pale imprint from his lack of sunglasses shown like moonstones in the fluorescent lighting.
However! Bill sidestepped quicker than the eye could see, his robes jostling slightly, then vanished completely like that one stupid show he was in.
The reminder of the show angered Pennywise even further, and he roared a loud clownish roar that sent everyone in the courtroom flying backwards, and Pennywise jumped to his father.
"You've always been a slut." A single tear left Papawise's compromised eyes. At that moment before his doom, he looked more sober than he'd ever been in his entire life.
"But son, I've only had sex once!" Pennywise wasn't having it. He snarled before swallowing his father whole. Unfortunately it was a slow process, so Papawise continued trying to have a conversation with Pennywise.
Sal Suey was on the floor, not being able to comprehend what just happened. A rush of clowns sped past her, almost trampling her. They all left their seats and shoved themselves through the Pennywise's kool aid man hole, as Heath Ledger the joker had locked and barred the door from the other side and attempted to set the courtroom on fire.
Sal suey had begun to sob. True, she had lost this case. But had she also lost true love?