Y/n pulled up to your local IKEA, your six-seat car full to bursting with friends. Clowns-a- plenty joined you on this journey to buy this amazing natural-wood dresser you found online.
You parked in the 30-minute parking space as every other was full. It was hopping and bopping today, you thought. No matter, this wouldn't take long. You unlocked the child locks to let your lovers free, and like animals, they fell out and climbed over each other.
"Jared! Be nice to Arthur!" You screamed. Arthur Fleck was currently being used as a human bridge, due to struggles of his mental illnesses, that held him down like milk inside a carton.
Pennywise deftly lept from the top of the car. To show his superiority, he rode outside on the roof, his bulbous triple d's swaying clownishly in the wind.
"You always let others step all over you, you stupid bitch." He muttered, speaking to the flattened man on the parking lot.
Arthur got up and wiped himself off, shoe prints covering his body.
"Hehe, y-yeah, you're right Pennywise. Sometimes I wish I could just build a fort out of pillows and live there forever. What a stupid dream, huh?" He asked the much taller clown, meekly.
Pennywise wasn't paying attention and picked a bug out of his hair, flicking them onto Arthur Fleck.
Suddenly it was as if a large weight lifted out of the car, and Arthur Fleck was promptly bulldozed once more.
"Oh my dear, favorite son!" Papawise said lovingly and swung an arm around Pennywise, "I always taught you to be kind!"
Pennywise lowered his sunglasses and looked the patriarchal clown up and down.
"I will never call you- pfft pft" He picked bugs out of his mouth. "Father." And at that Pennywise strode confidently into the IKEA, leaving you and the others in the dust.
You nervously fiddled with your advanced congenital clown shirt and quickly gathered everyone in a long line.
"Everyone, hold hands while we cross the street! I don't want anyone getting lost. PENNYWISE! PENNYWISE?" But he was already out of earshot.
You all entered the IKEA and were instantly hit with the smell of meatballs and cheap furniture. Truly a place to feel alive, you thought. It also was a bit romantic, but Pennywise was nowhere to be found. You saw Bob Gray and Papawise make a beeline for the food court. Perhaps they would take care of eachother, you thought. You were left alone with Arthur Fleck, Jared Leto, Bozo, Ellewise, and Ronald Mcdonald.
When you turned around to look back at Arthur Fleck, he turns to dust right before your eyes. Mental illness takes a physical toll, you remind yourself. You weren't too worried as he had a few more respawns left.
"Ok gang, let's try to find the furniture section!" You were linked hands with Bozo who had a masculine presence you had not noticed in previous outings. His hand was strong and firm and clownish. You looked at him and he was looking back clownishly. You gulped and continued on your trek. Pennywise wouldn't be happy about these feelings you discovered within yourself. But what he didn't know couldn't hurt him, you thought, as your novelty flower spurted forth water without your own volition.
You came to an abrupt stop under the harsh fluorescent lighting and were bumped into by all of the clowns. Pulling out your IKEA map you held it every which way and couldn't make sense of it.
"I think we're going the wrong way… We're back in the food court!" You looked back to talk to your clowns but Jared Leto had disappeared.
"Wha wha what? I told you guys to keep an eye on eachother!" Ronald Mcdonald wore a sad look like he disappointed you. Bozo and Ellewise were making out on top of the salad bar. Condiments and lettuce were flying everywhere.
"Excuse me, Sir." Said a nasally voice of an IKEA employee. When Sal Suey and Ronald turned around they saw a woman in a blazer with a name tag that clearly said bowers!
"You can't bring McDonald's products into this food court." Bowers said nasally.
Ronald's sad look quickly twisted into disgust.
"There's no sign that says I'm not allowed." Ronald was an efficient man, having created his own brand from his bootstraps, and in the time they were arguing he had already created a Mcdonald's Stand which was thriving with business.
Bowers would not be turned away. She put her hands on her hips.
"This is clearly not allowed sir. Just because there's no sign prohibiting guns doesn't mean you can bring a gun into our building."
You heard a gruff, drunken voice that you thought had been lost to the IKEA.
"Wait, we can't bring guns?" Papawise asked, his arms completely elbow deep in the meatballs. A smaller, older frail man, Bob Gray, joined him, completely covered in swedish chocolate and other foodstuffs served in the food court. You realized it was a bad idea to let them watch each other, they quickly turned into Clonnie & Clyde.
Bowers turned to look at the pair and sounded as if she was going to pass out.
"Sirs… sirs you have to leave the store… What have you done?"
Realizing this was getting bad you quickly got Bowers attention and took her to a dark corner of the food quart. Maybe it was the meatballs, but you felt bold.
"I'm so so sorry my friends caused you this much distress. Listen, I know IKEA doesn't pay you much, but how does this sound…" You whispered, handing her a crisp 100 dollar bill.
Bowers sweated. "I- I don't know." Her voice quivered.
You continued adding on the hundreds. "How about 300?" Bowers' eyes continued growing. Though not at you. She looked behind you and you followed her line of sight.
Pennywise was towering over the both of you with a pistol aimed straight at Bowers.
"No guns?" He giggled. "This is America."
Across from where all the action was going down, John Doe and his husband Bruce Wayne where sitting feeding each other meatballs romantically, no one had ever witnessed a happier couple.
Suddenly! A shot rang out! Pennywise shot bowers right through the chest! Then shot her a good five more times, killing her dead.
"You'll regret that you slut." Bowers said angrily, and walked away.
"I've never done anything I regret." Pennywise said with a shrug.
"What about double parking that 2022 jaguar everywhere you go?" Bozo asked spitefully, as he himself was jealous about the jaguar.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Pennywise snarled sexily.
Covered in meatball sauce, Papawise walked over to Pennywise and wiped a tear from his eye.
"Son… I can't believe you did that… for me?"
Pennywise scoffed, turning to the older man. Then he ripped off his fathers clown nose like it was clown bad girls club! Papawise squealed and fell to the floor, clutching his face. Bob Gray stared through the situation unaware he was even in an IKEA. He was covered in chocolate sauce, and that was good enough for him.
Y/N tried to comfort Papawise and Pennywise's scowl only grew at the sight.
"Have you been faithful to me lately?" Pennywise said questioningly with a glare.
Sal Suey gulped, she knew the consequences if Pennywise found out she had been lusting like a street whore. She wondered if Pennywise could tell her cleromones were out of wack, and she shivered at the thought. She had to get away from Bozo and Pennywise, fast.
"I'm going to find the stupid dresser. Watch each other, or don't. I don't care." You said over your shoulder. Papawise and Bob Gray continued climbing under the hood of the food quart, Bozo stood there somberly watching you leave, and Pennywise was already gone to another corner of the IKEA. Ronald, however, chased after you and attempted to match your angry strides, abandoning his now multi-million dollar food stand. His patrons all sighed sadly.
Y/N heard the loud clomping of gigantic clown shoes next to you. You instantly recognized them: Ronald Mcdonald. You studied the man silently.
He wore a breezy loose yellow jumpsuit, a romper of sorts. Red and white stripes covered his entire form underneath, each stripe a pathway to another lean, muscled part of his body. His shoes were gleaming, well polished. You could tell he cared about how he dressed. His gloves were a bright cheery yellow, and his face…
Beautiful smooth clown makeup was swathed across his entire head, curly red locks hanging sultrily, framing his person. Unlike pennywise, his eyebrows were high and happy. You felt as though your life needed a change. You could no longer depend on one so angry and full of hate. You needed a positive light in your life. You needed Ronald.
You slowed your footsteps, walking alongside him now with a new goal in mind. Screw the dresser. You just wanted to feel alive tonight.
You changed your expression when meeting his eyes, and twirled your hair on your finger casually.
"Say, Ronald. Where does IKEA keep its beds?"
Maybe you couldn't tell, but Ronald looked at you unassumingly. "Still have that map. Munchkin?"
You blushed at the nickname. You'd never heard him call you something like that.
You had had enough clown benders to know how to get a clown's attention, and so you began to slowly and sensually pull a very long colorful handkerchief from your sleeve while holding his eye contact.
The air was thick with tension. His eyes slowly trailed from the handkerchief, to your face, to your ass, then back to the handkerchief. Actually, he mostly paid attention to the handkerchief, he really seemed to like it. Finally at the end of it, you handed him the map.
"There you go." You whispered to him. He took it from you, and your fingers brushed, both feeling a jolt of clelectricity. Ronald was an experienced man, and he seemed to take it in stride. This only made you more attracted to him.
He opened the map to its full length and examined it with an intelligent eye.
His yellow glove pointed to the top left corner.
"There!"
The pair sprinted to the area on the map, arriving within one minute. There was a vast array of beds, all different shapes and sizes. Feeling bold, you reached over to his gloved hand, him not pulling away. Then suddenly, the lights went out. You heard a voice over the speaker. It was Bowers.
"Thank you for shopping at IKEA! Please come back soon!"
Finally… You were alone.
Sal suey smelled the McDonald's on him and felt a rush of sexual excitement, his clown makeup was so sexy that she pushed him onto the mattress clownishly. He made an excited "Oh!" in response.
You whispered into his ear. "I always had my eye on you Ronald, since this morning. Be alive with me tonight."
Sexy clownish tears streaked Ronalds face. They were tears of happiness, spurred on from the sexual magic in the very air. You wiped a tear from his face, donning a large grin. You too were crying onto his mcdonald's insignia. The occasion was almost too incredible to describe in words. But you would try.
The squelching and squeaking of balloons could be heard for miles as Ronald unleashed his engorged blimp. Normally you would be worried if others would hear, but in the heat of the moment you could care less. You pinned Ronald's wrists to the bed, and then tied his hands to the headboard with FRACTA, a blue Tarpaulin rope you could find in the storage and organization section of the store.
He strained against it playfully. His clakeup smeared with lust. You guys went on for a few rounds. Sometimes he would win at go fish, other times you would win at poker. Then finally, you couldn't take it anymore.
You screamed, "I'm lovin' it!" and there was a loud balloon popping noise that echoed throughout every aisle of the store. A naturally born clown knew what that noise meant.
Both you and Ronald lay atop the ikea bed, exhausted. You were on a bare mattress as the display had no blankets. You fiddled with Ronald's red chest hair.
"Oh Ronald. I think I love you."
Ronald smiled back. "I think I love you t-" He stopped abruptly.
"What's wrong?" You asked, starting to get worried, but for what you weren't sure. You just knew the air felt off. Then you heard it. It sounded as if it was a freight train, or maybe a tea kettle going off. It was at the far corners of the store, but started to get closer slowly.
"It's him! We have to hide!" You said hurriedly, and grabbed Ronald's wrist pulling at him, but he was still tied to the bed.
Ronald looked at you, determined. "Go. Go on without me. I'll be fine. Go!"
You cried, but except this time they weren't tears of arousal. They were tears of fear.
"I-I'll come back for you!" You said, and started sprinting down a dark aisle, unsure of where you were going without your compass, Ronald Mcdonald.
It had been about 3-4 minutes, and you found yourself in the sheets and pillows section of the store. It was so dark that you blindly felt your way here. You were on edge and jumping at every little noise the building made. Then you saw a light in the distance. You hear content humming. Approaching it, it looked like a makeshift gigantic fort, consisting of pillows and blankets. You could see the silhouette of a man sitting cross legged inside.
You called out quietly. "Hello?" To the figure in the fort. The humming stopped. Then a nervous voice came through the fabric.
"Sal Suey?" You knew that voice. It was Arthur Fleck! He threw back a blanket of the pillow fort entrance and beckoned you inside.
You had to crawl to enter, but inside it was a welcome sight. Arthur had decorated the inside with STRALA, led string lights. He was sitting atop many GURLI and KÄRLEKSGRÄS. You threw yourself into a hug, him flinching back.
"Arthur! I knew you'd respawn. We have to get out of here, Pennywise has gone mad. He's going to kill me and Ronald! He's out there Arthur, we have to save him."
Arthur gave a nervous laugh. "Don't worry, Sal Suey. You might not understand today, but maybe someday you'll be a full bred clown."
Then Arthur stood and left the fort, he was clearly going to sacrifice himself for Sal Sueys life.
Sal Suey watched him walk off, then wondered what Ronald was up to and if he was thinking of her.
As she was pondering this and smiling to herself about her new lover, she heard in the distance, echoing off the cold IKEA tile, a 'AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHH!'. This instantly gave her goosebumps and reminded her of the danger she was in. She didn't want to leave this makeshift shelter, but she also didn't want Ronald out there in the darkness alone either, so she set off, not before grabbing a HOVNAS which would work well as a multiple-prodded weapon.
She tiptoed quietly through the halls, some furniture forming human-looking figures in the darkness. This happened a few times, her thinking it was pennywise, before her laughing to herself realizing it was simply a BARLAST.
She started to recognize the area she was in, it was the bed section. Amidst the scary nature of her situation a smile crept on her lips at the thought of seeing Ronald. She saw the bed they made love in, spotted his hands still tied to it, and started sprinting over.
Then, her stomach dropped.
His yellow-gloved hands were the only thing left. You felt instant sadness that his blimp was no longer present. You dropped to your knees in front of the bed and began wailing as loud as your body would muster, not caring that you were calling Pennywise like water to a water balloon.
Then, heavy commanding footsteps.
"I've been looking for you, slut."
You could barely speak throughout your many sobs.
"What did you do to him…!?" You begged.
"To who? Your little boytoy Ronald?" He chuckled a low, evil chuckle, and dragged his glowing orbs over to you.
"Now who's going to hit the windshield of my car?"
You heard the rev of the engine.
THE END?