The Clookout of the Century
Y/N lounged contently, watching your guests mingle from the comfort of your pool chair. You smelled sizzling beef patties on the grill and looked at the chef in question: Papawise used the tool expertly as if it was second nature to him. It was a surprising sight, the man for once not being at the bottom of a bottle, but instead creating delicious meals for all of the cookout-goers. He caught you staring and gave you a big smile before returning to his beef.
Birds sang in the trees above you happily, and you could hear your doorbell even from your backyard.
Bozo answered it for you, and you could see from a window it was Bruce Wayne and his now fiance, John Doe. Both had their arms full of tins of lobster and caviar. Their butler, Alfred, also joined you all this evening as he always was a joy to be around. He polished Bruce and John's shoes before entering your home. John Doe held one arm around Bruce and showed off a gaudy diamond ring to Bozo who gasped in awe.
Everyone seemed to be getting along well, you thought to yourself. You took a sip of your lemonade and peered to your left. In a lounge chair next to you, sunbathing, was Pennywise.
Pennywise was a sight to see. He was clownishly clad in a thong bikini and had small circus tents printed over it. His bikini top (which was straining to hold up his enormous, engorged quadruple d's) had an American flag printed on it.
"You look ravishing." Y/N said dreamily.
In response, pennywise unsheathed a glock from his thong and told me his eyes were up here. Pennywise was clearly uncomfortable with how many other clowns were scantily clad, as it was taking attention from himself.
"I know." He said, lowering his sunglasses, and then pushed them back up.
You heard someone call from across the yard. "Who wants to take a little drinky drink?" Papawise asked happily, and Pennywise glared at him.
"Why are you always a sourpuss all the time?" You threw at Pennywise, before raising your hand. "Me!"
Maybe it was your imagination, but you thought you heard Pennywise whisper 'slut' under his breath as you left the pool area.
Suddenly the happy party became a frenzy as everyone hustled and bustled to be first to get a drink. Y/N tripped over a stray clown glove, and when she looked up the other clowns surrounded Papawise, as he stood on the bar and sprayed beer out his bellybutton and all over the clown crowd. They all waved their arms in the air, trying to catch a droplet of Papawise's liquid.
The group seemed sated and continued mingling away from Papawise. You were still on the ground and felt a strong arm help you up. It was Bill Skarsgard.
"They were relentless." He smoothly said with his sexy orangutang-esque features. "Let me help you up…" He said clexily.
You gladly accepted the giant hand assist, and were back on your feet in no time. A little intoxicated from inhaling Bill's fumes, you decided now would be a good time to set up the slip-n-slide.
Something to know about clown culture is that sliding at a fast velocity is very bad for a clown. Their clown noses could fly off at any time, and they instantly shed their clown skin as opposed to how long it normally takes, which is months. It tears off immediately. You warned the clown party goers to try to go at a slow pace, but still enjoy themselves.
"Just try to not think about what could happen, guys. It'll all be ok." You said to the gathering crowd, aware that you were nothing more than the clind leading the clind.
The water sloshed playfully along the slip n slide, enticing the first possible victim. Arthur Fleck approached it and dipped his toe.
"I-IIIII-IIIIIIIIIII-IIII don't know about this guys." He stuttered.
"Relax Arthur, It'll be fine!"
The man nervously laughed and went on his stomach in a full t-shirt and jorts. Slowly but surely he moved across the slip-n-slide, like that of a snail. He army crawled to the end and stood victoriously, a nervous smile crossing his face. The crowd cheered.
"I knew you could do it Arthur!" "Nice one, bucko." "Wahoo!"
Arthur smirked a sexy chad smirk. "I accomplished this task despite my many mental illnesses." He rattled the pill bottles in his pockets and everyone cheered again.
In an instant, Pennywise was beside him, at least 4 feet taller than the man. His bosom jostled at the instant teleportation, then settled.
Arthur Fleck's confidence instantly disappeared and he turned somber. He would never be as well-endowed as Pennywise. He slunk to a patio chair and sat down.
"Who's next?" Y/N called out.
"Me." The clown sea parted, and there she stood. Mother Clown. Half of Pennywise. Full clown. She had a soccer-mom haircut, bright red and shining. Her clown nose looked weathered and aged, but still able to sue your clalls off if she so desired. She was holding a stack of papers and threw them on the ground, where Papawise was now stationed.
"You didn't pay child support again this month, my worthless ex-husband." The clown crowd all tried to look anywhere but the scene that was unfolding. They all stood awkwardly.
"Take me back baby, I'm still good for you!" Papawise balled in-between shots. The ground around him was soaked in beer, killing your grass, and his belly looked slightly deflated. "I've changed!" Papawise cried drunkenly, he was wearing one of those hats with a beer can on either side and he was chugging that shit. He had also done a line of cocaine off Bill's abs.
Mother clown scoffed at the pathetic form below her. She put one stiletto-clad foot on him and pressed down threateningly.
"You know what will happen if you're late again…" She said publicly. Everyone gave each other questioning looks as if it was maybe sexual? And then all at once Mother clown tore off her business attire revealing a beautiful two-piece swimsuit, and swan dove down the slip-n-slide as if she was on american ninja warrior.
"LET'S PARTY LIKE CLOWNS!" Papawise roared drunkenly and circus music immediately started blasting from the speakers of the boombox Ronald held over one shoulder.
Y/N began dancing to the beat and joined the mass of clowns on the backyard lawn. Papawise was having a conversation with John doe and Bruce about their upcoming wedding that would take place on a beautiful beach in Hawaii and be the most romantic, magical wedding on earth. Papawise listened as he continued crying into his burgers, and offered them to everyone. Then suddenly a chaotic voice broke through the tempo.
"My ring! It's gone, where's my ring!?" John Doe cried out, Bruce comforted him like a good husband would.
The music abruptly shut off and voices murmured lowly to each other. Clowns began going on all fours looking through the grass, but to no avail. Papawise was kicking the grass with one foot, looking as though he was guilty of something. You spotted this and approached him.
"Papawise, what's that look on your face for?"
He slurred. "I… I may have… Cooked John's ring into the burgers."
John wailed at this and fell into Bruce's arms, who consoled him.
You looked shocked. "What!? Why didn't you pick it out? Why did you let it mix with the meat?"
"Because marriage is a sham! If those two get married, they're just gonna end up divorced paying alimony for their 500 old worthless clown son!"
Bruce spoke up. "Projecting much? We are a happy couple! And our clown son will have worth!"
Papawise wiped his nose and sniffled. "No he won't. It'll all end up the same." He then took his 100th shot and blacked out.
Pennywise strutted up to his fathers unconscious body and kicked it, then shrugged and took a swig from his fathers bourbon.
You sighed. "Well, what're we gonna do now?" Everyone shook their heads and looked worried. All of the sudden you heard the voice of a refined, british man, who had been quiet up to this point.
"Actually, I may have a swift and painless solution, that may even be a bonding experience. After all, my chaps and I used to do this back in the day." Alfred said in his British accent. He looked towards Bruce as if to ask for approval, to which the man said "Go on."
Alfred produced a large plastic box and set it on the table proudly. He lifted the lid and when the clowns looked down they were visibly confused.
"What's that?" They asked clownishly in unison.
Alfred held up the small plastic tube. "This end goes up the trousers! And you can leave the rest to me ole chaps!"
Bruce and John looked into each other's eyes lovingly after looking at the instrument. They knew it was all going to be ok.
"Don't worry guys, it's safe. Alfred does this for me sometimes when I eat too much lobster filet."
Across the next two hours, one by one the party-goers waited in a line to your bathroom. One would leave, and immediately another would enter for Alfred's skills. After each exchange of person John would look at Alfred hopefully, only for Alfred to shake his head.
Finally, it was your turn. All the other clowns were sitting amongst your living room, their colors a bit faded from the duress Alfred put them through. You'd have to remember to give them some fruit punch to raise their spirits, you thought to yourself.
"Next!" You heard Alfred call.
You walked towards the bathroom door, your feet feeling heavy with every step. Alfred waited next to your toilet and patted his knee. What happened next, you would not describe in words.
You left the bathroom feeling like you had undergone some sort of life changing event. The other clowns looked to you sympathetically as you joined them on your couch.
Then suddenly, Alfred's voice called out from your bathroom.
"Eureka master Wayne!"
The happy couple rushed hurriedly to the bathroom, and the giant diamond ring was once again in its rightful place on John's finger. He looked at it under your bathroom light and sounded aghast.
"You really are a miracle worker Jeeves. Maybe I'll keep you around to help out with our future babies."
That earned a laugh from all three, and reminded you that your lover too, perhaps in his own strange way, loved you.
FIN