One True Wheat to Rule Them All

Y/N was watching the climax the the renowned movie "the lord of the rings" in Arthur Fleck's basement. The lights from the movie shone on all of your clown lover's smiling faces as they watched as Aragorn sexily defeat the dragon. This was all old news to you, you thought. You weren't that into fantasy movies (that didn't include triple d's), you were a realist. You preferred the HERE and NOW, and currently Pennywise was reclined on the couch next to you, barking a laugh here and there, his beautiful eyes shining like a mosaic in the late african afternoon sun through a skylight that love was made beneath on warm evenings in the sun dreaming of better days while elbow deep in a delicious bowl of buttery popcorn. If a scene was particularly funny to him, like the main character dying, his beautiful bosom would jostle slightly, and you couldn't deny it was more intriguing than whatever was happening on the 60 inch tv screen.

"My eyes are up here." Pennywise snarked from behind his Gucci sunglasses. He peered at Y/N over the top of his glasses and smirked.

"Better than Bills?" He asked flirty and clownishly.

You were about to answer but then his face turned dark.

"Bill…" The popcorn bowl in his hands was crushed like a tin can, popcorn flying every which way, to which Papawise vacuumed up happily with his mouth on the floor.

Y/N tried to calm your clover, giving him a shoulder massage.

"There there, Pennywise. You know Bill means nothing to me."

At the sound of his name his eyes snapped to you, then to Arthur Fleck who was meagerly eating frosted mini wheats from the box. Arthur pulled a wheat from the box and all at once the dark basement lit up from the tiny morsel, it glowing a bright godlike yellow color. Arthur didn't know what he stumbled into.

"Gawrsh, I've never seen a mini wheat like that before. It's extra frosted, and has way more frosting than any other mini wheat i've ever come across." His hand started shaking at the absolute power he no doubt wielded.

Suddenly! Pennywise launched his Stretch Armstrong hand across the room towards Arthur, and his hand was as large as the door of a refrigerator and could surely propel him through water faster than a bullet.

Arthur screamed. The perfect mini wheat went flying, everyone looked up and watched the mini wheat fall.

Every clown in the basement, Y/N included, stumbled over each other , trying and failing to catch it in your grasp, desperately wondering what delectable five star mini wheat meal would taste like.

You all have created a human pyramid, and at the realization you all tumbled and crumbled on top of one another. Out of the corner of your eye you saw it: bright and shining, sparkling, the fabled wheat. It was falling.

RIGHT INTO PAPAWISE'S BEER!

As always he was out of the loop of what was going on, and you audibly heard the wheat PLOP into his beer bottle. Still watching Lord of the Rings while everyone else was worming it on the floor, he reached down to take a sip.

"NO!"

All at once the power went out. The tv went dark, making the basement completely pitch black. All you could hear was Papawise's labored breathing, and something else…

PENNYWISE WAS SAWLLOWING PAPAWISE WHOLE!

"You won't get my treat, slut!" Pennywise yelled as he hurriedly extended his jaw to fit Papawise's love handles and wide girth.

"I love you son, even on another plane of existence, even from wherever we go when we die, even from my roast beast feast of ignorance where I end up with less than I had before, because I love you more than the dawn that rises over the east, and you will always be my son."

We all cried and sobbed into hankies at the sound of the fathers beautiful speech. Peenywise simply glared at us and continued swallowing his father.

Y/N walked over to Papawise and Pennywise, and looked at Papawise's arm which was all that remained in the open air. Quickly you grabbed the beer bottle he was still holding, having to fight with the arm a little bit as he really had a tight grip on that thing, and peered inside.

The glittering, beautiful wheat was still inside. You released a breath you didn't know you were holding and held it to your chest.

Then you heard someone coming down the basement stairs. It was…BILL SKARSGARD.

He simply passed Pennywise swallowing his father without even looking at the scene, he had seen the two going in and out of each other's bodies many times before, and beelined to you.

"Hey Y/N… What's that you got there?"

You looked down to the bottle which shone brightly, and then looked up at the man's glittering orbs.

"A gift. I want you to have this!" You said cheerfully, holding it out to him.

Pennywise made an angry noise, but it was muffled as he had his entire father in his gullet.

Bill tenderly took the bottle from you and prized the 5 star mini wheat from it, examining it in his hand. It could not be described in words, but he would try…

The wheat was luscious. Every grain was plump with nutrients and fiber, topped with a delicious vanilla frosting. The frosting was something you could imagine skating on; it was so lush, and it covered every inch of the wheat perfectly, like a thick, fresh coat of paint. Clearly something went wrong in the mini wheat factory, as unlike the other wheats, this one was full to bursting with what could only be described as sexy.

Bill placed the wheat in his mouth. Every clown and clownette in that basement stopped what they were doing to watch his reaction, hoping somehow, his experience would rub off on them. But there was an issue. Bill was a very reserved, sophisticated man, and hid his emotions well. He chewed the wheat, he swallowed the wheat, but he didn't show his hand.

It only made you in love with him more, with his clownish, wheat-chewing abilities. If it'd been pennywise who enjoyed the wheat, he would've been non stop bragging sexily all night about how good the wheat was, or how much frosting it had compared to the other wheats. But not Bill. He was on another level, and that turned you on.

"Y/N, there you are!" Came a voice to your right. When you looked up you saw it was Ronald mcnoalaodas! He was smiling at you, his expression full of love and nuggets.

"I have a promise ring for you!" He called. "You've been faithful to me, right?"

You faltered at the question. You practically just had a full-on sexual experience with Bill, watching him eat the wheat. What could you possibly say to this man who only wanted to bring you happiness?

Then Pennywise hit Ronald Mcdonald over the head with a steel chair, making Ronald collapse on the basement carpet, unconscious.

"Pennywise, how could you!?" You cried. Bill was still in the afterglow of the wheat, so he was oblivious to these happenings.

"How many side pieces do you have, slut? HUH?" He asked Y/N, starting to count the heads in the basement. Strangely, there were less people than before, and many were actively leaving quietly.

"N-Nobody Pennywise, you're number one! You'll always be my one true clown!"

At that Pennywise jumped off the top rope, performing a superplex on Bill, snapping him out of his trance.

Bill turned to dust right before them both, gone with the wind like he had never existed at all. Like on Castle Rock.

Pennywise scratched his head. "Why does he keep doing that?"

Y/N sat on the couch, defeated. You lost the two most important things in your life within a 5 minute period. The wheat, and now Bill. You started to sob.

Pennywise stood around awkwardly, whistling a tune, and then picked up Arthur Fleck's big screen TV before walking upstairs with it, presumably to sell on Ebay.

Did Pennywise love you?