The Bust
Sal Suey pulled out her big book of insects and investigated interestedly. She turned the page to one she recognized: clowns. They have strong carapaces and thoraxes. Unfortunately, to feed they must unfurl their proboscis, which is a long and painful process, but at times quite sexual.
'Pennywise never mentioned any of this to me…" Sal Suey wondered in her mind. He had been acting strange lately. Come to think of it, all her clown friends had been more on edge, and quite sweaty. And it wasn't just because the Bozo's 5-star food truck permanently resided outside their home, giving them many diarrhea opportunities. Just then Papawise entered her apartment, breaking her from her thoughts. She silently watched him walk over to her fridge, swing the door wide open, and stand in it for a solid 10 minutes.
"Where have you been Papawise?" Sal Suey asked as he stood in front of the fridge, bulbous belly and all.
"I don't remember." Papawise answered. "I went full clown and blacked out for three days."
"Tell me more about clown biology." Sal Suey said, pulling out a notebook and pen. Papawise got a surprised look on his face.
"Were you never given the clown talk?" You sadly shook your head, your own gloved hands wiping a tear from your eye. Papawise took out a flask and swallowed it whole, then he pulled up a chair and it creaked under his mass.
"I remember when I gave Pennywise the clown talk. That was back in the day, when he still had dreams of being a DJ… Those were desperate times…Not many folks were interested in the circus…"
Sal Suey snapped her fingers in front of Papawise reddened, high-looking eyes.
"Focus, papa!" He caught himself drifting and gave Sal a big grin.
"Of course, of course. Well, when a father clown and a mother clown love eachother very much… they must unfurl their promiscuous proboscises. Often a clown has a litter of little clownlettes, but Pennywise was the first clown to consume all his sibs in the womb. Clowns are always born with their large clown shoes, and many clown mothers die in clown birth because they cannot pass the shoes when they come out feet first. A clown is known to be close to birth when you can hear them honking their clown horns, and before the clownlit is born you must first pull the long clown handkerchief out, which often takes days to weeks. Clown litters are very expensive as you must buy them fake flowers, face paint, and many clown noses as they outgrow them as they age. Along with this, I suppose I also have to tell you about… the heat cycle..Also known as…The bust."
Sal Suey stopped writing and lowered her reading glasses, feeling a chill in the air. The lights went out in the kitchen and Papawise was only illuminated by a single flashlight he held under his face. Howling winds threatened to blow down the shack that Sal Suey resided in. It suddenly became like an Edgar Allen Poe book and the world around them turned black and white- clown colors vanished and the cold tile seemed even colder.
"Once every full moon…clowns go into a frenzy. They lose their faculties, their minds, and their only goal for that day is to get their clown eggs fertilized." Papawise chuckled to himself.
"I suppose that's what I've been doing! Imagine that!" Sal Suey started sweating profusely. When would she go into her clown heat cycle? Then as if he read her mind, Papawise spoke up.
"Of course you don't have to worry about that yet. You're not fully transformed." He gazed down at her shoes, which made her follow suit. He was right. Her shoes were short, and lacking the distinct glossy red color. Suddenly Pennywise's shoes flashed in her mind. Now that was a mature clown.
Sal looked up at the sky and Papawise was true to his word. A full moon.
"Wait a sec Papawise, why are you lucid and not prowling the streets for a clown to fertilize you?"
"I am already fertilized." Papawise gazed down at his belly lovingly, cradling it within his palms.
"I had no idea, congratulations!" You said happily.
A loud sonic boom sounded from outside, and Sal Suey stood quickly and ran to the window!
"What's going on out there?" She asked, and Papawise gave her a knowing look.
"If it is your will to save them, you must act quickly. I will remain here where it is safe, and protect the life growing inside my womb."
With that said, he took a long swig of bourbon.
Sal Suey rushed down the stairs into the parking lot where she saw a massacre in the making. Bozo's bright and colorful food truck was parked where it always was, but not everything is as it should've been. The door to the truck was haphazardly open, the owner fled the scene fearing for his life. A mob pit of clowns were climbing over each other like the zombies in World War Z. The noise was overwhelming. Moans, groans, and screams sounded throughout the parking lot. And Pennywise was at the very top, triple d's jostling, looking upon the chaos like a god. He was choosing his next murder victim.
Sal Suey equipped herself with an Ak-47 strapped to her back and bandolier over her shoulders. She put on a helmet and riot gear.
"It's show time." She said grimly.
She thought she would have to push her way through the crowd, but strangely the sea of clowns parted for her. None seemed interested in her. She sprinted to find refuge in the truck. Bodies and bodies were crammed into a pile, and halfway through the mass she spotted Arthur Fleck on the ground, but unfortunately he was past saving. The clowns had turned him into Flat Stanley.
Finally breathing a sigh of relief, she reached the food truck and shut the door, the screams slightly muffled. She spotted a note that Bozo taped to the wall, it was multiple feet long.
It read, "If you are reading this, you are doomed. Today marks the day of clown reproduction, the final day of life on this planet and the world as we know it. Clowns will populate the earth until there are not enough red noses to go around, and they will kill each other for resources, such as big clown shoes, fake flowers, bodacious clown wigs, magic trick supplies, long scarves, balloons and tiny clown cars. They will kill each other in multiple ways. By running one another over with their clown cars, by suffocating each other with their clown tits, by strangling each other with their long clown handkerchiefs, by denying one another's necessary feelings of vigor. They will deny one another laughs and entertainment required for survival as their need to breed overtakes them. Clownish instincts are lethal, and soon the world will know nothing but. If you think you have a chance of survival, you are mistaken. (Or take my snow cone machine.) Fly, you fools. Flea this land and hide in the darkest corners of the earth until they find you, and turn you inside out. And they will find you. They will follow your scent like clown hounds into the night. They will travel in packs and assess every strategy until they find one that works to capture you. They will tie you down to the Tinyclowntown wheel and throw spears at it, then bind your legs and arms to horses and have them take off in opposite directions, ripping you apart climb from climb. Then, when you are conquered and they have destroyed all that lives, they will crawl like bugs to the molten core of the earth, where they will have a large sewer orgy. Afterwards they will lay their eggs and shoot into the stars, where they will land on other planets and populate the new worlds until the cycle repeats over- and there is nothing heard but the honking and the screaming. However, in space no one can hear you scream. They can, however, hear the honks. That is where the phrase comes from, 'If a clown victim screams in space, and there's no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?' And the answer is no. So fair traveler, I pray you never find this note, for it means your life is dwindling to nil. Love your families, love your neighbors. I feel my clown instincts overtaking me. I must go into that dark night. Farewe-" The ink is smeared.
Outside the truck, Heath Ledger's joker was standing atop an overturned car, bombs strapped to his entire body and was holding the trigger threatening to blown everyone to kingdom come.
Jared Leto was hogtied, and being carried away crowd surf style by a mob of angry clowns.
Bruce was powerfully fighting off the clowns that came after his husband John Doe bravely.
You couldn't see Ronald McDonald, but you heard a distant "badba ba ba ba" that sounded like it was muffled from the bodies of many clowns, he was lovin it.
Bozo had lost his mind as well to the idea of the bust, and he was tearing a crack through the earth itself with his rippling clown muscles
. A bit farther away from the ruckus, Bill skarsgard was in his isolated clown tent, and animalistic Ronald noises were coming from inside. Sal Suey smiled to herself. Due to Ronald's many experiences and deft fingers, Bill was having the time of his life in there.
Sal Suey continued surveying the parking lot and spotted an almost translucent husk blowing in the wind. It was Bob Gray. His form was spent after many clowns had received eggs from him, he was a shriveled shell of himself, curled up like a spider.
Stephen Kong was standing upon a radio tower. He had his hairy monkey arms crossed, and was shaking his ugly shriveled head with disdain. His D.A.R.E. shirt had been modified, it seemed now Stephen Kong was supporting abstinence until marriage.
Stephen King was also in a brawl, and his nose was bleeding profusely from the copious amounts of substance abuse. He was trying to breed as well, but the clowns were supple enough for his old man tastes.
Then, the air became still. It got quiet, and after a long pregnant pause a large clown shoe busted through the windshield of the truck. Shards of glass flew every which way, and Sal Suey ducked to avoid them. Peering up at her attacker, she recognized him instantly: Pennywise. His power and vigor was at 500% due to the full moon. His clown shoes were longer and brighter, his neck ruffles were more bountiful and lush. His makeup was a bit different, perhaps to celebrate the occasion of the in-season clowns he was no doubt incubating.
Quickly Sal Suey peered out the driver's side window and was stunned: The giant clown mob from before were all laying on the ground, engorged with life. No longer searching for partners, but sated. Who could have done this?
"Time to die, you fucking slut." Pennywise seethed.
"But Pennywise, I thought you hated sluts and were a reserved man!"
Pennywise pulled out two glocks and pointed them at Sal Sueys head. Sal Suey did not know it, but she had exactly nine lives. Another thing she did not know was that all of them up to this point had been spent. Somehow Pennywise knew this fact, and there was a gleam in his eye as he cocked both guns.
"Pennywise, I love y-" At that, Pennywise emptied two entire clips into her head, body, legs, arms, fingers, and toes. Sal Suey lay limp against the steering wheel, setting off the car horn which called throughout the land. A war call. A warning for what's to come.
Back at the apartment where Papawise had boarded up the windows and was wielding a bottle of vodka and a shotgun.
"I will protect this unborn child with my life." He said grimly.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, firm and resolute. Papawise didn't have to look through the peephole to know who it was.
"Stephen Kong, my love." He said softly as Stephen Kongs monkey body entered the room.
"I had to step over the bodies of many clowns lost to drugs and lust to find you. It was reaffirming and reassuring to my views and personal beliefs on substances and abstinence."
"Yeah." Papawise said and took a swig of vodka.
Stephen Kong looked at him sadly, his eyes far away and melancholy. He had impregnated the wrong clown, it seemed. They had both reconnected at costco by accidentally reaching for the same last la croix box. However there was still a part of him that yearned for papawises girth, despite his reservations. Like a silver of the moon in the dark, like a firefly against the night, like a flower through the cracks of concrete.
"I will raise this clownette with you, regardless of the costs." Stephen Kong said resolutely. "Whatever it takes, we will get you clean and start a prosperous family among all this death and shortage of clown noses."
Papawise wiped away a tear at his lover's beautiful words, and cupped Stephen Kongs ugly face in his hands. He reached for Stephen's monkey paw and placed it on his own swollen belly.
"Do you hear us, little clown? I hope we'll get to be good friends some day. I hope I'm a good clown mother…" Papawise started to cry, but Stephen Kong instead put him in a warm hairy embrace. They stood like that for a while, and then both put on their backpacks.
"It's time for the great journey to the molten core, my lover." Spoke Stephen Kong.
Papawise reached for his bourbon, but stilled. Stephen Kong watched in awe as he turned away from his alcohol.
"One step at a time." Whispered Stephen Kong. At that, they left the building and went outside, walking over the spent clown carcasses. They crossed over a hill to look back on their house and relish in the start of their new life, only to be shocked by what they saw. A giant mushroom cloud lit up the sky, fiery flames turned the world into an ominous hellish hue. In front of it stood Pennywise, him nothing but a silhouette against the light.
"You'll only ever have ONE child Papawise!" He screamed over a megaphone.
"You'll never replace me! Hahahahahahhahahaahah!" Then suddenly the irradiated winds blew both Papawise and Stephen Kong to the ground, the heat of the atom bomb becoming unbearable. Papawise watched in horror as Stephen Kong's cells melted before his very eyes.
"Dare to be…drug free…" Were his last words. Papawise called out to his lover, but he was no longer on this mortal coil.
"Noooooooo!" Papawise screamed into the apocalyptic looking sky. Then, still laying on the ground, he was enveloped in a shadow. A tall, bountiful, sexy shadow. His forehead measured at least two football fields. His shoes were bedazzled with 500 karat diamonds. The shadow had taken my life 9 times and in no doubt many times again in the future. It was pennywise!
"Before I take your life, slut, I have one thing to say to you… Don't forget to like and subscribe."
At that a single shot rang out across the land.