Albanach
Pwise gripped the steering wheel and his buxom bosom shook with the greatest anger he had ever felt in his life. His enormous tits rose high like the late african afternoon sun and he glared at Sal Suey who peeked out of the car window, one hand shielding her eyes from the sun.
"Yowee Zowee Pennywise, it's backed up for miles…" She re-entered the car, and in response to the news, the rest of the clistresses in the back seat began whining like dogs.
Pennywise's normal white makeup had long sloughed off his face, and it had turned red, steam blowing out of his nose and ears.
"I drove here for 2 and a half hours… I'm not waiting for another SLUTTY SECOND!"
At that, they waited another hour. Then two.
Just as Pennywise was about to murder Sal Suey to soothe his anger, they saw a flash of blue by the trees! It was a freak, dressed in a cheaply made amazon cloak that made him look stupid. He lifted his pants back up with a gleeful smile and began to trek forward.
"Hey freak!" Pwise yelled from the car.
But alas, the freak didnt even turn around. Pennywise was aghast, reached behind his carseat, and started beating up baby Arthur Fleck like a punching bag.
"I wonder where that guys off to?" Sal Suey wondered aloud, attempting to breathe in her corset but to no avail.
Pennywise's glared at the long line of cars in front of him, laid on the horn for a full 3 minutes, and began screaming.
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" At that, Pennywise flew open his car door and exited the vehicle. Many vehicles behind him started honking in distress at the further pileup he created.
"I'm following the freak. Follow me, don't. I couldn't give two shakes of a dragon's tail!" And he was off, long legs striding across the road to follow the ever-growing stream of rubenesque weirdos.
"P-wise! Pennywise! Wait!" Sal Suey called out. She looked behind her and Papawise, Arthur Fleck, Bob Gray, and Jared Leto all looked back in distress. She picked up Baby Arthur Fleck, put him in his baby sling, and released the other Clovers to follow behind her on the busy highway. This strangely felt familiar, she thought.
They followed the blue-caped freak into the woods, where he follow into a long straight line of other freaks! They all marched forward like they were in a trance and the clown gang started to follow them.
"This is nuts!" baby Arthur Fleck yelled!
Papawise waved a beer bottle in front of one of their faces, but to no avail. He even poured a bit out on his hand and held it under his nose.
"That normally works on me! I guess we should see where they're headed, like I always say, follow the freaks and you'll find a treat!"
The stream came to a stop as the blue caped freak walked up to a chain link fence and slid under it with ease, much akin to a zombie or a circus freak performer.
Sal Suey tossed baby Arthur over the fence first, then slid under as well. Jared Leto climbed it like a monkey, and Bob Gray turned to a semi-liquid and phased through it. That left only Papawise, who looked back at them goofily.
"I'm not letting this darn fence keep me from my turkey leg. Get out of the way, kids!"
He first took a swig of liquid courage, then took a running start. It looked as though he was attempting to leap, but instead he trampled over it like an elephant, his mass pancaking it like a hydraulic press. Without a word spoken, more freaks used this opening to their advantage and walked over the now gaping hole.
Finally, they had arrived. A large mass of freaks congregated outside a giant, looming gate. It read, "Ohio Renaissance Festival".
A freak in a pointy gnome-hat bumped into Pennywise by mistake and Pennywise shoved him to the ground and stood on him.
"We made it! And look, there's Pwise!" Sal Suey said, jumping up and down, and no doubt giving Arthur baby shaken syndrome.
Pennywise was on a path paved by hellfire. Instead of waiting in line with the other stink-patrons, he began sprinting at a speed that defied space and time. The freaks in their dazed state had no chance, and what was left behind once Pwise had ran through them was nothing but melted plastic, like a flower through the cracks of concrete. The ticketmaster at the front didn't see him either, as Pwise was moving too many frames per-second.
"An opening, let's go!" Sal Suey and the gang following the path Pennywise made for them, whether on purpose or not, they would take advantage of his many skills.
Sal Suey took advantage of the situation as well, and checked out Pennywise's bouncing breasts as he ran.
After entering the golden gates, finally, they had arrived.
Quickly, they realized the gates were golden for more reason than one, someone was peeing on the sign. This would only be the first red flag of the trip.
Upon entering, it was quite clear the Fair had reached its maximum capacity many hours ago. Alas, more and more people kept piling in. It almost reminded Sal of the bust, with the unending masses of fair-goers climbing on top of eachother and bumping into each other with no clear goal in sight. Only then standing among them did Sal realize they were all whispering something, quietly, amongst themselves. Hundreds of voices whispering in unison…
"Albanach. Albanach. Albanach."
"Who the fuck is Albanach?" Questioned Jared Leto.
"I don't know, but let's find out!" Sal Suey said cheerfully, trying to avoid getting steamrolled by a patron.
After some attempt at walking around the fair, they spotted Pennywise, who was amongst the jousting actors and causing quite a ruckus. He had one of them in a headlock, and was removing his armor and putting it on himself.
"I'll show you how a REAL man jousts!" He yells to the crowd, who all boo in unison, but with a bit of childlike wonder in their tones as well, as they have no idea this isn't a part of the show.
Pennywise unceremoniously attempts to get on the horse, to which the poor animal spooks and begins speeding off into the crowd of hypnotized fair goers, knocking them all down like bowling pins.
"Whatever!" He screamed, clearly bored with the concept of jousting but still wearing the armor as it squeezes him in ALL the right places.
"Come on Pennywise, let's bob for apples!" Sal Suey asked cheerfully, only for him to glare at her and blow air out of his nose, bored.
Sal Suey prepared herself in front of the freezing water, shiny green and red apples twinkling back at her clownishly. Bozo was wearing a peasant's outfit and started counting.
"Get ready, one, two-" Before he could finish, Pennywise, two-handed, grabbed her wig and shoved her under the water, her thrashing in response. Pennywise cackled in glee. Baby Arthur began crying.
"Tell me how those apples taste in hell you stupid bitch." Pennywise spat.
Bozo clamored against the two, throwing pathetic punches at Pennywise.
"Stop, stop! She's just a young single mother!"
Time came to a standstill. Water droplets froze midair. Slowly, the water rippled. Everyone was motionless but Pennywise, who continued shoving her deeper under the water. But then, he lost his grip. He began levitating, inches, then feet from his prey, suspended in midair by some unseen force. Clouds covered the entire renaissance fair, and thunder rumbled lowly, and threateningly. Only then did Pennywise see the assailant.
"Albanach." Pennywise said lowly, as though it was a curse.
Albanach was beyond description. No words could describe the intensity of his rippling muscles, viking outfit, long beautiful hair, full luscious beard, and striking eyes, and he was like nine feet tall. Pennywise knew he was fucked.
Pennywise glared at Albanachs shoulder, where Bill Skarsgard was sitting with a smirk. He sipped his ale and smirked.
"You!" Pennywise yelled like it was the greatest curse on earth, greater than having small tits.
"I'm not the one you should be worried about." Bill said sultrily.
"Stop this. Release her." Albanach ordered. Wind whipped his hair and beard, giving him a more ominous look than before.
"Never!" Pennywise yelled clownishly.
Albanach raised his hand slowly, and pennywise began to grab at his throat like he couldn't breathe?
The freaks in the crowd all bowed to Albanach in worship, although some were relieving themselves nearby as they couldn't hold it for one hour. Pennywise guessed they must have all prepared for a big event with an even bigger big gulp.
In some cases, it was a sex club afterwards.
Albanach brought enormous, chaotic crowds everywhere he went. He was so magnetic, so desirable. Fools who tried to come and enjoy the renaissance fair were stupid fools. There is only Albanach. They should have known Albanach would be there. We are all Albanach.
Albanach brought down his hand to his side, throwing Pennywise to the ground, and Pennywise thought it was over, but he couldn't have been more wrong. His clown hair began standing on end. He looked at his arms and felt his hair. And then, twenty-five consecutive lightning bolts hit him square in the head. Over. And over. And over.
In between the strikes, Albanach's followers howled in ecstasy.
Bill and Albanach toasted their ales with matching smirks, the crowd gooshed collectively. And then, blackness.
—-
Sal Suey woke up, holding her head.
"Ow, what happened?" She looked around and saw an abandoned Renaissance fair. Nothing was left but trash and human feces.
"I remember… I remember the water. Going under. Someone tried to drown me! And then… Nothing."
Bozo woke up as well and groaned.
"What happened to all the fair goers? They were mighty strange, but paying customers all the same. They're all gone!"
They wandered the fair. Empty, desolate stands were all that remained. Upon passing "the Mud Show", a lump was growing from the mud pit, to which Sal realized it was Bob Gray. He must've had a blast. She peeled him off the floor and carried him home.
"I wonder where Pennywise ran off to…"
Little did Sal Suey know that Pennywise was where he belonged, having his weave fried off in the clown torture chambers.