BELLY
Seeing his name appear on my phone was like experiencing a panic attack. What could he possibly still want from me, after storming off like that? Besides, we talked about being friends and leaving things that belonged in the past, in the past. Having him just looking at me like that after my kiss with Jeremiah was soul crushing. He never looked at me like that, even after all of our ups and downs, he never looked at me like that. Yet one thing was perfectly clear to me. Whatever feelings he might have left, they extinguished. Which was a good thing. I wanted it like that. I made up my mind.
Jere was so sweet and kind to me the whole car ride and I just couldn't shake the thought of Conrads disappointed eyes out of my mind. All I ever wanted was for that boy to care, for him to tell me he cared, this was not the way I pictured it would be.
„We need to talk" was all he wrote in the message, the audacity.
„Wait— is he still in Brown?" Steven asked, sounding perplexed.
„Mhm" Jere answered, seeming unbothered by the fact.
„And how the hell will he get to Boston without his car?" Steven asked and I felt ashamed. Kissing his brother on his car… I looked down… In his sweatshirt.
„I'll drive back to Brown and pick him up."
„But you will stay here for the night, right?" I heard my mom say from behind Steven, this was a surprising twist, probably even for her.
„Thanks Laurel."
We both stepped out of the car and walked inside, I needed to shower and go to bed, I needed to wash this day off me. It started of beautifully, I was kissing the boy I loved, it felt real, it was there, devoid of games, without subliminal messages. It was pure and only belonged to us, until it didn't anymore.
I went to bed, knowing very well that sleep wouldn't come easy to me that night. Numerous thoughts rushing through my head and keeping them in line was hard. So many questions were left open for interpretation, but the most prominent one was clear, starring at me. What's going on with Conrad?
The next morning came rather slow, I came downstairs as soon as I heard the first footsteps in the kitchen. I walked downstairs to see my mom preparing breakfast. It smelled so familiar, her pancakes could almost mend every heartbreak… or hangover.
„You're up so early Belly Button." She observed.
„Yeah" I said nonchalantly.
„Conrad called Steven yesterday, right after the exam, he sounded so happy he passed."
„I bet, we studied all night." I replied.
„Why did he stay in Brown all by himself? He could have come by."
„It was his decision." I spat out, a little bit rude perhaps.
She noticed my mood swing swiftly and knew better than to poke around it. She flipped a pancake, and we stayed there in the kitchen in silence for good twenty minutes before Steven and Jere came downstairs. They were chatting about an upcoming party they wanted to go to, and Jere seemed happier than usual. His curls were dancing as he moved, and his eyes seemed brighter in the morning. I think it was the light; he was definitely a morning star.
Mom waited for Steven and Jere to fully finish their conversation about the upcoming party and then asked.
„I need to speak to all of you." She said, getting all of our attention to be turned to her.
„This sounds serious." Steven said.
„Well, it's both bad and good news." She replied.
„Building up the suspense, Laurel. I like it." Jere gave her a little smirk. He has the most show-stopping smile; it was mesmerising to watch.
„Your father won't buy the house." You could see the smiles drop, Jere was getting more upset by the second.
„But he said —" Jere started.
„This brings us back to square one." Steven said, throwing his hands up in the air.
My mom smirked a little, looking down at the lap. What in the world was there to smile about? The beach house was the only thing keeping us together, keeping us close to Susannah. She would have hated this, hated the way we're losing the house, hated the way her boys are treating each other, it was all a mess… again.
„I'm buying the house." She said, out of the blue, shocking all of us.
„But mom, we know we can't afford the house." Finally, something reasonable to start our day right..
„You can let me worry about that. Besides, the sales of my last book, dedicated to Susannah are going up and this is what she would want. I have to do this, for her." I haven't seen my mom this honest in a long time.
It never occurred to me that the beach house could be ours, probably because in so many ways it was. It was more ours than it will ever be Julia's. That house held every memory I had of summer, it's where I grew up and became who I am. I guess I always knew I would always carry a piece of this house in my heart, but this was beyond the reach of my imagination.
I jumped out of my stool and gave my mom one gigantic hug. She giggled like a little kid and hugged me back. I then noticed her shiver, and I moved a bit, to see her crying.
„I lost her too soon, I lost my soulmate." She said amidst tears, took a deep, shaky breath and then continued.
„We weren't even half way there and she left. I just miss her so much and that house… that house has her name written all over the walls and to let it go… would be a betrayal to our friendship."
Uttering those words sounded almost therapeutic, even cathartic for her. I guess that is the nature of grief, if you hide it and try to escape it, it will only get louder, unbearable. It demands to come out and be felt, no matter how much it crushes you from inside. But that's the good part, as soon as you feel it burning, you can start seeing the recovery, it may be long, but it is there, and for my mom… it is buying this house.
„Mom, this is a good thing." I said with a weak smile.
Jeremiah and Steven came closer to us and we hugged. It was a beautiful, family thing.
„I wish Connie was here, so he can hear the news from me, first hand." She said.
„I'm driving back to Brown to let him know." Jere said, trying to sound unbothered and not at all annoyed by his brother.
„You two should come back here, we can have a family dinner and celebrate!" My mom said excited. I knew Jere could never say no to my mom, especially knowing how much she loved them.
„Sure, we'll come back." He said with the fakest smile he could offer the world.
Well, this is a disaster in the making.