A/N: Sorry it's taken so long to update but I've been crazy busy going to uni open days and stuff. Anyway, here is the next chapter. There's a little additional drama but with some light hearted Erin/Dimitri moments to break it up, plus...even more vom!
Chapter Eight
"Do you think I look better in red or black?" Erin asked Dimitri.
"Umm…both," he replied, unsure of what was the right answer.
"That's not very helpful. I'm trying to decide what colour dress to buy for the Christmas party. I've only got two days so please help me decide," Erin told him as she scrolled down through the pages of frocks on the Topshop website.
"Well, why don't you go with red as it's more of a Christmassy colour," Dimitri offered. "Plus it compliments your pale skin, and brings out the natural scarlet shade of your lips."
"Look at my lips often, do you?" Erin turned to question him.
"Er, no, I just noticed once before when you wore a red blouse. Anyway…wear whatever you want," Dimitri stumbled through his words, his cheeks turning their own shade of scarlet. He then mumbled something about paperwork and Erin smirked as she watched him then quickly shuffle away.
"What are you wearing to the Christmas party, Emma?" Erin asked her friend.
"Um, I haven't decided yet," Emma said.
"So you're just as unorganised as me then. That makes me feel a little better. I tell you what, how about we go shopping for dresses after work tomorrow?" Erin suggested.
"Yeah sure, that sounds like a good idea. Anyway I better be off, see you tomorrow," Emma said, waving everybody goodbye as she hurriedly left The Grid.
Sasha was already waiting in the car when she got to the car park.
"Hey," she greeted him apprehensively; they hadn't discussed the events from earlier in the day yet.
"Hi," he said with a smile, though Emma could tell it was forced.
The journey remained silent for a while before Emma finally plucked up the courage to bring up the elephant in the room-or vehicle as it was-and say: "I had to do it."
"I know," Sasha stated solemnly, not looking at her as he spoke.
"I had to act fast and it was my only option, if there was any other way, I wouldn't have…done it," Emma told him.
"It's part of your job, you did what you had to do, I understand that," Sasha said, still staring directly out of the windscreen in front of him.
"So, you're not pissed off with me?" Emma asked.
"Of course not," Sasha replied, though Emma was not convinced he was being genuine.
"It's totally understandable if you're annoyed. But just know that I didn't want to do it and I didn't enjoy it, not for one second. I was just focused on the overall outcome; I knew innocent lives were at stake," Emma explained.
"I get that," Sasha said. He paused briefly before adding: "But it doesn't make the sight of my girlfriend kissing another man any easier to stomach."
Emma sighed; this was what she had been worried about.
"I'm sorry you had to see it. That must have been horrible for you. I wish you hadn't," she told him, her eyes brimming once again.
"So do I," Sasha replied. He then noticed as Emma wiped the corners of her eyes, and asked: "Emma, are you ok?"
"Yes, I'm fine, just being over-emotional that's all," she said.
"It must have been awful for you too," Sasha stated, taking one hand off the wheel to rub his girlfriend's leg.
"Yes," she said. But that wasn't the only reason she was crying. The chaotic afternoon at work had distracted her from the morning's revelations. She had almost forgotten about the possibility of her being pregnant…until now.
"It's all over now though," Sasha comforted her as he began parking the car. He would try to put the image of the kiss at the back of his mind and leave it there. He knew it would do no good for either of them to dwell on it.
Emma nodded, and gulped back her tears. She didn't know how she'd ever tell him if she was having his baby. How would he react? They'd only been together less than a year. It was completely unplanned. She didn't even know if he wanted kids.
But then again, she might not be pregnant. Emma kept telling herself this, but in her heart of hearts, she knew, felt even, that she was. She didn't know why, but she knew. And that scared the shit out of her.
It was all she could think about for the rest of the evening. The worry completely consumed her; she could barely hold a conversation with Sasha. So, she feigned tiredness, and told him she was having an early night before he started asking any questions. However, once she was in bed, she barely slept. She was restless; tossing and turning constantly, only still when she pretended to be asleep once Sasha came to join her. She was still awake even after he had dropped off. She stole a few moments of sleep here in there through the night, but those moments were far from peaceful. Instead they were filled with nightmares. She dreamt that she was pregnant, and Sasha left her. She dreamt of a horrible birth, and a screaming baby. But the worst dream she had was being on an operation at work with a heavy baby bump when she was shot in the stomach. It felt so frighteningly real; she could almost feel the blood spilling from her, and almost hear the screams of anguish coming from the people around her. She woke suddenly, her face layered in both sweat and tears. She couldn't get back to sleep again at all after that.
The following day at work, once Sasha had left with Erin and Dimitri to go on a surveillance operation, Ruth slid up to Emma and began talking quietly to her.
"How are you feeling today?"
"Ok, actually. I haven't been sick this morning, which is nice," Emma revealed. "So maybe I did just have some sort of virus, and now I'm finally recovering."
"Mmm maybe," Ruth said. "But I got you the test anyway so you can find out for sure. What with everything that was going on yesterday, I didn't get a chance to pick you one up until after work. I've got it with me today though, so you can use it later."
"Oh right, thanks," Emma said, attempting to sound grateful, but quite obviously failing.
"Remember what I said, the sooner you know, the better. Sasha won't be back for an hour at least, so you could do it before he returns if you'd rather," Ruth suggested.
"Um, yes, ok," Emma said, physically shaking at the prospect of actually having to find out for sure. But she knew, as Ruth said, that it was something she needed to do soon. "I'll do it in my break."
Over the next half an hour, Emma got very little work done. She watched the clock as time got closer and closer to her break. Her stomach was in knots. She felt sick again, but in a different way to the previous days, and it was worse. She was terrified. She was far more scared than she had ever been on an operation at work, and she had found herself in some dangerous situations during her time at MI5.
By the time it finally reached her break, Emma was a wreck. Ruth came over to subtly give Emma the box containing her purchase and patted her back encouragingly. "It's going to be ok, whatever the outcome, I promise."
"You don't know that," Emma said.
"I do, Sasha, like his father, is a good man. He'll be there for you. So you mustn't worry about that," Ruth reassured her.
Emma hummed doubtfully.
"And besides, as you said yourself, I am always right," Ruth joked, smiling softly.
Emma gave a nervous laugh. "Ok then, well I best get this over with then."
Ruth watched Emma leave. She then waited nervously for her return. She was so distracted thinking about Emma that she didn't notice Harry approaching behind her. He made her jump when he went to kiss her on the cheek.
"Gosh, Harry I didn't see you there," she said.
"Are you alright? You seem a little unnerved," he asked.
"No, no, I'm fine," Ruth reassured him.
"Well, ok if you say so," Harry said. "Anyway, I noticed you seemed to be having a rather hushed chat with Emma just now. Is everything ok?"
"Oh that, well, yes everything's ok. I think she was just a bit upset about yesterday; I don't think it went down too well with Sasha," Ruth told him.
"Ah, yes, I was rather concerned that that might be the case. I don't think he's too happy with me either, for prompting her in what she did," Harry said, having noticed his son giving him the cold shoulder that morning.
"No, well you ought to have a chat with him. Tomorrow, perhaps, might be a good opportunity at the Christmas party," Ruth suggested.
"Yes, I think I had better," Harry agreed. "I'd best go and start planning what I'm going to say to him now," he added before kissing Ruth on the cheek again, and heading back to his office to begin mentally drafting a speech to his son.
Just as he did, Emma walked back into the room. Ruth bounded up to her.
"So?" she asked eagerly.
"I don't know," Emma told her.
"What do you mean?" Ruth asked, confused. "Didn't you do it?"
"I did it, but I couldn't bring myself to look. You're going to have to do it for me," Emma confessed.
"Oh, um, ok then, give it here then," Ruth held out her hand.
"Could we maybe go somewhere a little more private do you think," Emma said.
Ruth nodded and the pair headed to the far corner of the room, where they were only in view of Tariq, who was busy tapping away at his computer, seemingly unaware of their presence.
Emma then retrieved the test from her pocket and gave it to Ruth, who was using her free hand to hold onto Emma's.
Emma squeezed her eyes tightly shut, as she waited for Ruth to deliver the news. There was a brief pause as Ruth checked the test, then checked it again, before revealing the result.
"It's positive," she stated.
Emma was silent. Ruth's voice was ringing in her ears; the sentence that had just passed her lips continued playing over and over again in her head. It was making her dizzy. She leant against the wall for support, but she was still visibly shaking. Ruth was worried.
"Emma, say something," she said.
Emma didn't respond, she just continued to stare straight ahead, her eyes glazed over, her brow creased, and her limbs still trembling.
"Emma," Ruth tried again.
"It can't be," Emma finally whispered. "It can't be positive. I'm on The Pill!"
"It is, I'm not lying, see look here," Ruth showed her the test. And sure enough, there were two clear lines on the stick before her. It was at that point that Emma became suddenly hysterical.
"But I can't be pregnant," she whimpered. "I'm not the right age to be pregnant, I'm not at the right stage in my relationship to be pregnant, and I'm certainly not in the right job to be pregnant! Oh God, Ruth, what am I going to do?"
"Ok, Emma, how about you start by taking a few deep breaths so you can think about this sensibly," Ruth suggested, attempting to calm her down. "First thing's first, you need to talk to Sasha. He's the father of this baby, so he needs to know."
"But what if he leaves me!" Emma cried.
"Don't be so silly. He'd never do such a thing," Ruth told her, and she was truthfully certain.
"But it might scare him away. We haven't been together long…and we're both so young…and he might not even want children," Emma said breathlessly between sobs.
"You don't know that, which is why you need to talk to him. Don't forget you've got plenty of options. It's the twenty-first century; you do not have to have this baby, should you decide you do not want to," Ruth reasoned.
"But that's the thing, I don't know whether I do or not, because I've never really thought about it before. I mean, when I got this job I just assumed I would never get the chance to settle down and have kids. And now suddenly I'm faced with this massive decision, and I have no idea what to do!" Emma confessed, growing a more and more distressed by the second.
"But you don't have to take this on by yourself. You've got Sasha, and you've got me," Ruth told her, taking hold of Emma's shoulders to try and steady her.
"What would you do, Ruth, honestly?" Emma asked.
Ruth paused. "I'm not you, so I can't answer that. I'm here to support you, but I can't make the decision for you."
"I know, but if you were in my exact situation, what would you do?" Emma asked again.
"Emma, I can't…"
"Ruth, please just tell me," Emma pleaded.
"It's not up to me," Ruth stated.
"I know it isn't, but I just want to know what you would do if you were stood in my shoes right now," Emma continued to push for an answer.
Ruth was silent for a while. Then she sighed. "If it was me personally, and I was your age, and I had your job, and I was with someone whom I loved dearly, like you do Sasha, then I'd keep it. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you should."
"Thank you," Emma said, having heard what she needed to, and feeling much calmer by this point.
Ruth nodded. "It'll be ok."
"I hope so," Emma exhaled.
"But you must tell Sasha," Ruth added, as she wiped away the mascara stains from Emma's eyes.
"I know, I will," Emma promised.
"I think you're underestimating him as a boyfriend and as a man; he won't abandon you. He'll stand by you, but you just need to give him the opportunity to do so."
Emma nodded. They began making their way back to their desks.
"Do I look dreadful?" Emma asked, straining to catch the reflection of herself in her computer screen.
"No, you're eyes are little puffy, but nothing that can't be passed off as tiredness," Ruth reassured her.
A little later, she added: "Will you tell him tonight?"
"I'm going shopping with Erin tonight, so it might have to wait until the next day," Emma revealed, only just remembering about the plans in that moment.
Ruth looked at her disapprovingly. "You can't put it off forever."
"I know, I won't," Emma vowed, but she would put it off for a little while.
"You alright, sweetie?" Erin asked Emma as they were milling around The House of Fraser, "it's just you seem a bit quiet."
"Yeah, I'm fine," Emma lied. "Just a bit tired, that's all."
"You're not still ill, or anything?" Erin inquired.
"No, I seem to have recovered," Emma told her, then proceeding to front the biggest smile that she could muster.
"Ok, well I'm glad to hear it," Erin replied. "Now, tell me, what do you think of this?"
Emma looked at the red cocktail dress Erin was holding up. It was asymmetric with a fishtail hem. It was a design difficult to pull off, though she knew that would be no problem for Erin. "It's fabulous, go try it on."
"I think I will. Have you found anything yet?" Erin asked.
"No, I just can't seem to find anything that I like the look of," Emma told her, though in all honestly she hadn't really been looking at all; only absent-mindedly sifting through the garments on the rails, not really taking any of it in, too preoccupied with the more pressing matters on her mind. That being said, she was glad to be out of the flat, away from Sasha. She wasn't ready to have the discussion with him yet, and shopping with Erin was the perfect diversion.
"What about this one?" Erin suggested, pulling out a little black dress from the rail, very little indeed, Emma noted.
The dress was nice admittedly, but it just looked so awfully short…and tight.
"Don't you think it's a little…revealing?" Emma worried.
"It's not that bad, and besides, you can pull it off," Erin told her, thrusting the dress at Emma. "Anyway, you might as well just try it on."
Emma didn't have a chance to respond; Erin was already dragging her off to the changing rooms.
After battling with the zip, Emma did eventually manage to get the dress on, and it felt even tighter than it looked. However, despite the fact that she was struggling to breathe, it did look pretty good on.
She stared at her reflection in the large mirror. The material of the garment seemed to accentuate every single curve of her body. So much so in fact, that for a moment, Emma could have sworn that she could see the slightest bump in her lower abdomen. She rubbed her hand across the area to feel for the extrusion. It felt tender-most probably from all the sickness-but she could feel no bump. Emma told herself to stop being so ridiculous, of course there was no bump. If her calculations were correct then she was only around 7 weeks gone, so the baby would be about the size of a grape. It wasn't even a baby yet, not even close.
"Can I come in?" Erin called, interrupting Emma's thoughts.
"Uh, yeah sure," Emma replied, pulling back the curtain for Erin to join her in the cubicle.
"Wow!" Erin exclaimed, eyeing Emma up and down. "I knew that dress would suit you. You look hot! And your boobs look so much bigger!"
"Er, thanks," Emma said, laughing. "You don't look so shabby yourself!"
"Really? Do you think red is the right colour for me though?" Erin inquired, striking a pose in the mirror that allowed her to look at the dress from behind.
"Definitely, it brings out the colour of your lips," Emma said.
Erin couldn't help but let out a giggle.
"What?" Emma asked in response to her friend's small outburst.
"Oh nothing; it's just you're not the first person to say that. Anyway, how about we go and pay for these dresses, then head out for something to eat?" Erin suggested, quickly changing the subject.
"So you think I should get this one then?" Emma asked, still concerned that it might expose a bit too much flesh for a work gathering.
"Oh definitely. It's stunning. Though poor Sasha might have some trouble keeping his hands off you," Erin said with a wicked grin. "But if the worst comes to worse, he can always have his way with you in the stationary cupboard!"
"Erin!" Emma exclaimed, blushing a shade brighter crimson than her friend's dress.
Erin laughed as she made her way back to her own dressing room to change.
It wasn't until the pair began tucking into their pudding that Emma decided to bring up the subject of Erin's daughter. She had wanted to ask her about Rosie since the beginning of the meal, but she had been contemplating how exactly the best way to broach the topic was. She knew she needed to tread carefully; she didn't want to arouse any suspicions in Erin, nor did she want to upset her by crossing any personal boundaries.
"How is Rosie?" Emma finally asked.
"She's great! She's with mum at the moment. But I've promised to get up early with her tomorrow to practice her spellings with her. She's got a test, you see," Erin explained, her eyes quite clearly lighting up as she spoke about her child.
"So, she's just as dedicated as her mother then?" Emma said.
"Yes, it would seem so. She's already such a little perfectionist," Erin revealed.
"That's no bad thing," Emma commented. She paused before proceeding, "Erin, what is like, being a mother, whilst having the job that we do?"
"Difficult," Erin stated, taking a sip of her wine before continuing, "but I wouldn't change it for the world. I mean of course I feel guilty about leaving her because of the unsociable hours, and I worry that I'm putting her in danger. But I also know that I'd go to the ends of the Earth to protect her. I wouldn't let anything happen to her, I couldn't, I just…can't even think about it."
Emma noticed Erin falter: "Sorry, I didn't intend to upset you."
"No you haven't, it's fine. I just love her to pieces. I love my job too though, and I have to believe that I can be in this line of work, and still balance a family at the same time. I have to believe that to stay sane, you know. But at the end of the day, she will always come first. I made that promise the day that I found out I was pregnant," Erin confessed.
"How old were you?" Emma asked,
"Not much older than you, I was 25 when I fell pregnant and 26 when I had her. She wasn't exactly planned, I mean her father and I had practically broken up by the time I found out the news."
"Did you know for definite that you would keep her though?"
"I considered my other options, of course. I mean I wasn't exactly in an ideal situation, but all along I knew, deep down, that I wanted her, needed her even, and not once since have I ever regretted the decision to bring her into the world," Erin told her.
By this point, Emma was barely holding it together. She let out a sniffle.
"Don't, you'll start me off in a minute!" Erin exclaimed.
"Sorry, I'm being so silly I know. It's just lovely how you two have obviously got such a close relationship," Emma said. She cursed herself for letting her emotions get the better of her once again, worried that it could cause Erin to begin to suspect.
"We do. I know some people may not agree with my decision to have child and still hold down the job that I do, but I like to think that I'm making it work, and proving all those doubters wrong. Yes, I may be a spook, but I'm a mother, foremost, and I recognise that. Rosie comes above everything and anyone else, and always will do," Erin said, tearing up a little herself, which was a rare sight.
"What are we like?!" Emma cried. "Since when did spies get so emotional?"
"It's what having children does to you!" Erin said.
Emma laughed but turned away so that Erin could not see the look in her eyes that could very well have revealed the truth.
"Hey," Sasha called out as Emma entered her flat later that evening.
"Hi," Emma replied. "I thought you might have been asleep by now." Though in reality, it was more like she had been hoping that he'd be asleep. She didn't know how to act around him knowing that she had such a big secret that she needed to let him in on as soon as she could pluck up enough courage. It was just easier not to have to interact with him at all during this time.
"I wanted to wait up until you got home," he revealed, getting up off the sofa to greet his girlfriend.
"Awh, how lovely of you," Emma said, dropping her keys and shopping to receive Sasha's hug.
"So, you got your dress, then?" Sasha commented, eyeing up the bag on the floor.
"I did!"
"Can I see it?" Sasha asked.
"Not until tomorrow!" Emma teased.
Sasha laughed. "Ok then, well I look forward to it!"
He then noticed Emma turn suddenly pale. "Are you alright?"
"Um, yes," Emma told him unconvincingly. Her stomach was lurching. And here was her thinking that the sickness had subsided
"Are you sure? It's just you don't look very well," Sasha said worriedly, gripping Emma's arms to keep her upright. "Can I get you some water or something?"
Emma opened her mouth to reply, but felt the dinner that she had recently eaten starting to make its way back up, so made a quick dash to the bathroom. She was in such a hurry to get there, that she didn't have a chance to lock the door behind her.
Sasha was close on her tail; rushing after her. He considered waiting outside for her when he heard the sounds of her being sick inside the bathroom, but he was too worried, so instead decided to accompany her.
"Emma!" he exclaimed, horrified to see her so ill.
She wanted to tell him to go away; embarrassed that he was seeing her in such a state, but she was too weak, and too sick to do so. So much for morning sickness; more like constant 24/7 sickness, she contemplated as she was throwing up.
Sasha tried to comfort her by rubbing her back and holding back her hair as best he could.
When she was finished, Emma sat back breathlessly against the sink. "I'm sorry you had to see that," she apologised.
"Don't be, I'm just worried about you, are you ok?" Sasha asked.
"Yes, I'm feeling a little better now. It must have been the chicken I had for dinner; I didn't think that restaurant looked particularly hygienic. We never should have gone in there," Emma lied.
Sasha nodded, seemingly buying her story. Though, she recognised that she wouldn't be able to keep this up for much longer.
"I'll go and get you that glass of water, and then we'll get you into bed. You need to get some rest," Sasha said.
He came back with her drink, and then practically carried her to bed. He helped undress her and then pulled the covers over her, tucking her in.
"How did I end up with such a wonderfully attentive and caring boyfriend, hey?" she said weakly.
He shushed her quiet, before kissing her on the cheek and telling her: "Get some sleep."
She followed his orders; falling asleep almost instantly, not having realised how exhausted she was after such a difficult day.
A/N: I don't know about you but I quite like the friendship between Emma and Erin developing.
What did you think?