Nick leads me over to the sofa, the silence deafening as my mind is racing, I sit and he kneels in front of me, taking my hand gently, like I'm made of glass and will break at his touch
"You're freezing" he whispers, kissing the back of hand, worry etched on his face, he looks up at me, knowing he's trying to figure out what's going on In my head. I can't bear to see the pity in his eyes, I pull my hand away and draw my knees up to chest, wrapping my arms around myself and burying my head, I need to shut him and the world out.
I suddenly realise how cold I am, but it's still not as cold as I feel inside, I laugh softy to myself at the thought, what is it people refer to me as, the ice Queen? I feel Nick wrap his jacket around me and say something about making me a coffee and running a bath, I briefly lift my head to nod, unable to speak, knowing the only noise that would escape my lips would be a whimper, and I've already appeared too weak, too vulnerable.
I sense Nick moving around me, my mind lost in thought, it's only when Nick places the steaming cup of coffee in front of me, and feel the sofa moving under his weight as he sits next me that I allow myself to drift back into reality
"Where have you been?" Nick finally asks, knowing that he's been dying to ask me since I walked back through the door, I sigh and allow myself to look at him, I notice how tired he looks, his eyes reflecting the same look of damage as my own
"I was going to go to the Casino, but you know, no money" I laugh bitterly "so I went and got myself a bottle of vodka, went and sat up at the quarry" I hear his sharp intake of breath "Used to go up there as a kid, with Rob, needed to clear my head" I quickly add, he doesn't need to know what thoughts were going through my mind when I was there, I wonder if Michelle has divulged to him about my suicide attempt after Franks attack, I look back over at him, searching his eyes for clues
"You should have called" he adds, looking hurt, I quickly look away, unable to see the damage I'm inflicting upon him
"I'm going for this bath" I stand suddenly, too fast it seems as my vision blurs, supporting myself on the coffee table, Nick is by my side in a flash, one hand supporting the small of my Back, the other under my arm, I try to shrug him off but he doesn't allow me
"You need to eat" he says sharply, I shake my head, my body too numb for food
"What I need is for you to stop fussing " I snap, my vision returning as I walk towards the bathroom "why don't you just go home, Nicolas "
"I'm not leaving you alone In this state" he replies, just as sharply as I had previously spoken, he walks towards me, my body far too exhausted to fight him on this one. He reaches for the light in the bathroom, taking my hand as he does and sits me on the edge of the bath. He places the plug in the bath and turns the taps, the gentle noise of the water calming me
"Leave the door unlocked " he orders, and passes me a fresh towel "I'm making you something to eat" he looks over at me his face full of concern, I simply nod, knowing it's not up for discussion, I wait for him to leave and hear the click of the door, I stand and look at my reflection in the mirror, pulling my hair up into a tight bun I examine my face, the dark circles under my eyes, my already pronounced cheekbones sharper than ever. I sigh and look away, slowly undressing and allowing my aching bones to sink into the welcoming heat from the water, the smell from my bubble bath comforting, I finally relax.
I stand outside the bathroom door, listening to Carla's movements, waiting to hear that she is safe, as I hear her descend into the bath, the sound of the water moving, I finally exhale, not realising I had been holding my breath. As I make my way back towards to kitchen I grab my phone from my discarded jacket on Carla's sofa and quickly send Michelle a message and put her mind at rest, she offers to come round but I tell her to wait until the morning, unsure of Carla's state of mind, I don't tell her where Carla has been, knowing it could push Carla further over the edge. My mind suddenly flashes images of her standing on the edge of the quarry, the bitter wind blowing her hair over her perfect face, her eyes full of sorrow, making those final steps, her body laying lifeless, I quickly push the thoughts out my mind. I reach for the cupboard, looking for something Carla can eat, I find a tin of soup at the back, and half a empty bottle of vodka, sighing I place the vodka in bag with the empty bottles of wine and place the tin of soup on the counter, I search for a saucepan and gently heat the soup, I hear Carla moving around in the bathroom, she soon emerges wrapped in a towel, a little more colour to her cheeks. It's only now that I see just how much weight she has lost, the light shadowing across her chest, exposing her far too prominent collarbone, her eyes looking far too big for her face
She notices me staring and pulls her towel tightly round herself, she excuses herself to her bedroom to get some clothes. I pour her soup in a bowl and place it on table, along with a glass of orange juice and some paracetamol, knowing she will need after her lone drinking session at the quarry, my mind still picturing her shrinking frame.
Carla returns in one of my t-shirts and boxers I had left here, a small smile on her face, I can't help but return the smile, she's carrying her bath robe she pulls it on as she walks over to the stereo, music gently emitting from the speakers, a soft, soulful song starts playing, I can't quite place the tune playing, but it does nothing to calm my mood.
She spots the soup I made and looks from it to me, she sits and reaches for the orange juice, placing the paracetamol in her hand smiles "you didn't need to do this" she takes a sip of the Orange juice
"Yes I did" I smile back and sit down "Anyway, it didn't take a huge amount of effort to heat some soup up" I smirk, trying to add some humour to the conversation "You didn't have a huge selection to choose from"
I try to catch her eye but she refuses to look at me "When did you last have a decent meal" I ask, as I try and think when we last ate together, knowing she wouldn't bother unless I made sure she was taking care of herself
"Oh you know me "she laughs, avoiding the question "always need a good meal with my wine" she smirks at me, she reaches for her soup, knowing it will keep my quiet
"We can go shopping tomorrow, get some food in those cupboards" I look at her seriously, she just rolls her eyes and I'm relieved as food finally passes her lips. We sit in silence, apart from the low hum of music softly playing in the background, the sound of the rain gently hitting against the window. It doesn't take long for her to finish her soup, more colour returning to her cheeks, she takes her bowl to the kitchen and places it in the sink, returning to the sofa and places a kiss on my lips, she lays in my arms and I play with the hair that falls from its bun, her breathing slowing and I realise she has fallen asleep, not having the heart to move her I grab the throw and wrap it round her, I close my eyes and let the music send me off into a deep sleep, filled with images of a thin haunted woman, feet teetering far to close the edge of a cliff, long brown hair framing eyes pleading for my help
Are you afraid, afraid of the truth
In the mirror staring back at you,
The image is cracked but so is the view, here.
So crawl inside my head with me,
I'll show you how it feels to be,
To blame like me