It's hot, too hot, I can't breath, I snap open my eyes, panicking as I realise the flat is swarming with thick black smoke quickly filling my lungs, I gasp for breathe, falling to my knees and concentrate on breathing. In, out, in, my head is spinning, I need to get out.
I can feel the fire spreading, the flames spitting and hissing at me, I steady myself as I stand, rushing for the door, I grab the handle, the metal burning at my touch, I manage to pull the door open, my vision blurs but I can make out figures amongst the smoke, I try to scream out for help, my throat is constricted, I fall to my knees once more, the figures glide towards me, there bodies are burnt and transfigured, flames twisting around there bodies, I hear them screaming out in pain, it's unbearable
"Carla, wake up! I shake her, her body twisting in agony, pain etched on her face. The blood curdling scream I woke to still ringing in my ears. She grabs me, clawing at my arms, gasping for breath.
"You need to calm down, look at me" I pull her face to look at mine "just breath" I whisper, staring into her eyes
"I'm ok" she chokes out, her breathing steadying, she pushes me away and I stop myself from reaching back out to her, pulling her in and keeping her safe from whatever demons she was fighting in that beautiful mind of hers. Unsure of what to do I stand and walk over to the kitchen, grabbing the kettle and filling it with water, we could both do with coffee after the events of the previous night
"Do you want to talk? " I offer as I pour water into the mugs, the smell of coffee already bringing my mind into focus. She shakes her head, of course she doesn't want to talk
"Stop pushing me away" I sigh as I pass her the freshly made coffee, taking a seat next to her
"it's what I'm good at, isn't it? " she laughs
"The problem is you think that no one cares about you, and you think you don't deserve to be cared about " I reply, taking a welcome mouthful of my drink
"You think nobody cares if you live or die anymore. And if you don't watch out one of these days you'll push yourself so far that you'll do something reckless and I don't want that to happen to you Carla" she shifts next me, clearly uncomfortable where the conversation is going
"You have people who care about you, and you just have to accept that because" I suddenly stop, not sure whether I should continue
"Because, I love you, and if anything happened to you in would kill me" I admit
"You love me? " she sounds disgusted, I instantly regret my admission. She's up on her feet now, her hands in her hair "you're more stupid than I thought" she adds "I told you, I'm damaged, I'm no good" she's practically shouting at me now. I stand and move towards her
"No " she screams at me, placing her hands in front of herself, I stop on my tracks "I think you should leave" she whispers, moving towards her front door and opening it, staring at me as I move towards her, I see her physically flinch as I'm near, she pushes me through the door, screaming at me to not come back and that she doesn't need me, my heart shattering into a million pieces
"All right, I'm coming" I shout, the knocking is loud and desperate, I fiddle with the locks and pull the door open, a broken Nick standing before me, I usher him inside, shutting the cold morning breeze behind me
"Is Carla ok" I ask, concerned at the look on Nicks face, he just shakes his head, placing his head in his hands and sighing, I rest my hand on his arm and gesture towards to back of the bar, shutting the door behind me quietly as we reach the back room
"Where was she last night?" I ask as nick takes a seat
"She went to a quarry" he sighs "With a bottle of vodka for company
I feel the colour drain from my face, my heart sinking, Nick noticing my reaction to the news
"She swore to me that it was just to clear her head" trying to convince himself more than me, I debate whether to tell him about her last suicide attempt, maybe I could get Carla to tell him? I see him looking at me, confusion on face as I sit in silence, thinking
"How is she now?" I ask
"Upset, she threw me out" Nick takes a deep breath "I told her I love her" I look up, shocked at his confession, though it's car to see he is devoted to her
"Nobody has cared about her the way you do for a long time Nick " I reach for his arm to comfort him "Don't give up on her"
"I never would" he replies in a heartbeat, a sad smile reaching his face "I better go home, I need to change before work" Nick stands up "let me know how she is if you see her?" he asks, I squeeze his arm, reassuring him I will
The anger is making my hands tremble. I clench them to get the shaking to stop, anger towards myself for letting someone get too close and anger at him for loving me, loving someone so damaged, so ruined. I push my head against the back of the door forcefully. I stand from the floor from where I've been since Nick left, my body is trembling, I feel weak
"Eat" I hear Nicks voice whispering in my conscience, I shake my head, forcing him from my mind. He's gone, I pushed him too far. The pain that radiates from my stomach wakes me from my thoughts, I laugh bitterly, knowing I deserve the pain, it's only a fraction of what I have caused to the families of those I killed in the fire, I grab the coffee that Nick made before be left, I take a huge glug, it's cold and makes me gag but the caffeine is welcome and soon eases my trembling, as I place the mug in the sink I hear banging at the door, anxiety filling me with dread
"Who is it?" I ask, forcefully, not showing my fear
"Michelle, let me in" she sounds worried, I sigh as I pull the door open, gesturing for her to come in, she pulls me in for a hug, tightly squeezing me tightly, the human contact making my body tighten.
"We need to talk" Michelle sighs