Thank you for all the lovely reviews. Updates are going to be slow over the couple of weeks. I'm waiting for my Internet to be reconnected,so I thought I'd try and upload a bigger chapter this time
As soon as Michelle entered Carla's apartment she knew something was wrong, the way the light from the blinds still drawn dimly lit the room, casting shadows upon the unpacked boxes, it was as if all life had died in the fire, leaving an eerie atmosphere in its wake of destruction. This was no longer her best friends home, and the woman who she currently held in her arms, was not her either. Michelle sighed once more and reluctantly moved from Carla, holding her at arms length in front of her, noticing the deep, heavy bags that lay under her eyes that no longer glimmered, her hair flat and losing its shine
"You look awful" I mutter, shutting my eyes briefly, unable to witness what she is doing to herself
"Thanks" Carla scoffs, making her way to the kitchen, grabbing a glass and reaching for the bottle of wine
"I don't think you should be drinking that" I tell her, disapproving, walking towards her, setting my bag down on the kitchen counter
"I don't think YOU should be telling me what to do, I'm not a child, Chelle" she snaps, venom dripping from her voice, she struggles with opening the bottle, her hands trembling, something I hadn't noticed until now
"Maybe if you stopped acting like am emotional wreck I wouldn't need to be here" I shout "Stop pushing everyone who wants to help you away" What the hell does it matter if my words upset her, when she's so obviously out of control?
Carla pauses for a moment, as if she's actually listening to me somewhat, though she gives no indication that she's heard anything I've had to say even though I distinctly saw a brief flash of anger at my words. So it's all an act. This calm disinterest. This deliberate avoidance of the subject at hand.
"Well maybe I'm done talking about this now!," she seethes, I reach out to my best friend , she steps away from me, like a feral animal cornered her mood goes from seemingly disinterested and unconcerned to an unrelated rage and fear in a matter of second, a moment later I am jumping back at the sound of breaking glass.
It's takes me a minute to realise what happened as I see shards of glass laying across the counter, the sound of wine dripping onto the kitchen tiles
It's only then that I realise, she didn't just drop the bottle of wine, She threw it,
Deliberately,
She smashed it.
My hearts fluttering in my chest. The look of rage I had seen is rapidly draining away, replaced by the look of concern as she holds her hand up as I see a flash of red.
Blood
She's bleeding
I grab her arm gently, running her hand under the tap in her kitchen, the water turning a crimson colour in the bottom of the sink, a flap of skin hangs slightly apart, the majority of the blood is coming from this wound, it looks quite deep. I grab a clean tea towel, wrapping it tightly around her hand, grabbing my phone from my bag and I usher her towards the sofa and sitting her down.
I quickly dial Nicks number, he answers on the second ring
"You need to get to Carla's, now" I try to say calmly, though my voice breaks slightly
"What's happened" I feel my stomach drop at Michelle words. I put my hand over the phone, telling Leanne I need to go as I grab my keys and run towards to the car "I'm on my way" I tell Michelle, throwing my phone on the seat next to me, pulling away as fast as possible towards Victoria court. I soon arrive, not caring to park up properly as I slam my car door behind me, I bump into someone on the way in, quickly apologising under my breath as I take the stairs, taking two steps as I practically run towards Carla's, the door already open for me as I reach her door.
I see Carla hunched over on the sofa, holding her arm across her chest, it's only as I walk round that I see the blood soaked towel wrapped around her hand, my breathing stops as I spin round to look at Michelle who is on the phone, she mouths to me "paramedics"
"Nick " the sudden panic in Carla's voice is unmistakable. I'm by her side in seconds, wrapping an arm around her waist
"What's wrong? Carla?" I ask as I try to keep calm, her skin is now a deathly white colour. This is not a response I would have expected for her, she's not phobic of blood, and has endured far worse physical injuries in the past. And whatever has come over her has come quickly.
"I feel funny. I feel..." I'm glad that I already have an arm supporting her as I feel her go limp, I support her body as I lay her down on the sofa just as paramedics cone rushing through the door. Michelle hand gently grips my arm, which I quickly wrap her around her as we watch as the paramedics check over a lifeless Carla
"Why do you need to do more checks, she only needed some stitches" I'm pacing back and forth now, my hand running through my hair
"We needed to run some checks on your girlfriend, Mr Tilsley, her blood pressure was quite low" The nurse ushers me towards a private room "The doctors would also like a psych nurse to talk to her too" she adds
"You think she did this purposely? " I laugh. The nurse purses her lips and motions me along corridors, something about hospitals unnerved me, I had spent enough time string at the white walls after the car accident, we stop outside a private room
"Something on her hospital notes alerted us, it's just procedure" she stops outside a private room
"What do you mean, something on her notes? " I ask, thoughts of Carla on the edge of a cliff flashing through my mind once more. Did she a history of this before?
"You'll have to talk to Mrs Connor about that I'm afraid" She says quietly as she opens the door, ushering me inside. Carla is sitting on the edge of the bed, her back facing away from the door, she turns her head briefly to look at me as I enter, her eyes are wide and she suddenly looks profoundly younger. Suddenly I feel a surge of protectiveness.
"Can I give you a hug? "I ask, not sure on where we stand after she threw me out after my admission. I need to hold her close, more for my sake than hers. She nods slowly and I rush towards her, pulling her into my chest, resting my hand on the small of her back, slowly rubbing in a circular motion.
"Carla" I clear my throat. Decide to bite the bullet. Ask the hard questions. "Is there something you need to tell me?"
She places and hand on my chest pushing me gently away but not removing her hand, her fingers grip lightly at my shirt, holding me close. Her mouth opens, and then closes and she shakes get head, shutting her eyes tight
"No" she whispers "I'm fine"
I grapple with what to say. With how to say 'no, you are not fine, you are assuredly not fine'. without making her go on the defensive. Most of all not wanting her walls to come up. Not now. Not when something is so wrong that every cell in my body is screaming with the weight of it. The truth of it.
"Carla, why do you need to talk to someone? The nurse told me there was something I your notes" I stop. Her eyes are glistening and her mouth is contorted into something barely holding back a scream. She stays completely silent. I realise she looks embarrassed, fear written all over her face
"The other night, at the quarry, you've had those thoughts before? Maybe even acted on them And if it's true, I want nothing more for me to be wrong here, please know that, but if it's true it explains a lot. About you. It makes sense, why you push everyone away"
"it makes sense, does it, Nicolas" She snaps. "How would something like that explain me? "Go on, tell me! " She is practically screaming at me now as if I've insulted her, but as I look at her face
No. The look of horror in her eyes, It's true. I took a chance, a shot in the dark and got it in one. I've never felt less pleased with myself for being right.
"So, how does a suicide attempt define me as a person " She asks defensively. She's standing away from me now, putting space between us
"I never said it defined you, or could define you " I feel hurt, my throat is dry, my heart pounding
"You said it makes sense" She whispers. I look up at her, she actually looks like I've betrayed her. I walk towards her but she puts her hands up once more, like she did in her flat. I stop, sighing as I run my hand through my hair
"Because it does make sense. You're so intent on destroying yourself, you don't take care of your body, you drink far too much and your eating" I stop making sure she's still listening
"Your eating is atrocious. You don't care what you do to yourself, whatever the consequences, need I continue?" I look over at her, knowing I've said far too much, more than I had intended and more than I know she can handle. She facing away from me, avoiding what she doesn't want to face
"You're right" I whisper "It makes sense" I turn to look at him "I told you I was damaged, ruined"
Nick shakes his head a walks towards me, with his arms open which I gratefully accept as he pulls me in for a hug. I bury my face in his chest, inhaling his scent, the smell makes me feel safe
"After Frank attacked me I was in a bad place" I sigh "He had broken me, taken away a part of me that I could never get back and to make it worse I knew nobody believed me" I look up at him, his face gently encouraging me to continue "I couldn't sleep, so the doctor gave me some sleeping pills, the rest you can guess " I breath, a weight feeling like it had been lifted from my shoulders
"You could have told me" he whispers, placing soft kisses into my hair
"Its a part of my life I want to forget, I never thought I'd have moments like that again" I admit
"The quarry? Nick asks, my body tenses in his arms "I take that as a yes" he breaths
"Nick " I reply uncomfortably, suddenly irritated by my discomfort. I know he's looking for me to say something to reassure him but I don't want to pretend that everything is okay when we both know that's really not true
"Carla" he whispers, placing his forehead to mine. The doctor entering the room breaks our moment, Nick reluctantly pulling away from me and I find myself instantly missing his intimate presence.
"We have your results Mrs Connor" the doctor looks over at Nick "Its OK, this is my boyfriend " I smile
"Your bloods show low levels of iron and potassium, how are your eating habits? " he looks at me, I hear nick shuffle uncomfortably "I've been under a lot of stress recently, I'm sure my appetite will pick up soon" the doctor nods as he writes his notes "Well I'll write you a prescription for some supplements, but you must tell your GP if your appetite doesn't improve soon" he adds "I'll leave it with your discharge notes"
"I can go?" I ask hopefully
"The nurse is satisfied that your injury wasn't intentional, so yes, you can go" he smiles "Just be careful in future"
Nick walks over to me as the doctor leaves. "I don't know anything about what it's like to be hurt that way, and to feel like how you must have felt. How you feel." He admits "I just don't want you to think that you have to hide this from me"
"I didn't want to hurt you" I whisper, grabbing his hand "I'm so sorry, Nick"
Hopefully my eyes say more than my voice ever can.