It was a control thing. It always had been for Carla. The numbness that comes at the bottom of a bottle. The thrill of the chase as you gamble away your money.
It hasn't always been like this. Once she was in control of a business, a marriage. Slowly people had come into her life and each time they took away a piece of her control.
Paul, Tony, Peter, Frank
They had each taken something. Her trust, her ability to truly love, her self confidence. Her body
She hit the buttons on the treadmill, her pace quickening. She keeps going until her lungs burning, legs aching, vision blurring. She hits another button bringing herself to a stop. Carla takes a few moments to slowly breathe.
"Nice going" Carla snaps her head up, a young blonde woman with a sickening happy smile plastered to her face is standing in front of her
"Thanks" Carla manages to huff, grabbing her water and taking a huge gulp.
"I'm Katie, Is this your first time here? " She holds her hand out for Carla to shake
"Carla" she mumbles, begrudgingly taking her hand
"These machines are top of the range, they tell you everything, miles you've ran, minutes, calories burnt"
"Oh that stuff doesn't bother me" Carla laughs, as she takes smaller sips of her water. Running was always a way of helping her release her anger, a way to unwind
"Look, you ran for 63 minutes, at quite a fast pace, burning nearly 800 calories" Katie reads the figures flashing across the screen, she sounds impressed
"Ah, I'm sure I'll drink those calories in red wine later" Carla smiles, making Katie laugh
"You would be surprised at the calories hidden in alcohol, I lost so much weight when I quit drinking. The sugars in it was creeping up on me, especially around the 'love handles'" Carla rolls her eyes to herself, only she would meet the health nut
"Like I said, that stuff doesn't bother me, boyfriend owns a bar" Carla laughs to herself, the thought of Nick bringing a small smile you her face
"Talking of which, I should go home. He's promised dinner tonight"
"Hopefully we'll see you again soon" Katie flashes that smile once more. Carla nods as she gathers her belongings, giving her a small wave as she enters the changing rooms.
Lately the guilt and self-hatred kept piling up and up on her shoulders until she felt empty. So she started using the alcohol more to fill the emptiness. Carla caught a glimpse of her figure in the full length mirror, whilst she knew she had lost weight recently she also noticed those areas where maybe the alcohol had been creeping up on her, maybe Katie was right, Carla mused before continuing to get changed, she still needed to go into work.
"Oh look who decided to grace us with her presence " Aiden teased. Carla placed he bag on her desk, pursing her lips and flicking her freshly washed hair over her shoulder
"I am the boss ain't I? Came to check you were coping"
"Come to check we haven't burnt the place to the ground more like" Aiden instantly regretted the words that came out of his mouth, the look on Carla's face was that of pain and betrayal. "Car' I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking "
"Its fine, forget it" she whispers "I'll take this paperwork home" she gathers the papers on her desk.
Fire, Maddie, Kal, death
She couldn't let her mind wander in that direction
Breath.
In.
Out.
Control
"I'll be back during the week" she snaps, turning on her heel and leaving underworld, the whispers of her work force in her ear.
Carla couldn't focus on the work she bought home. The facts and figures blurring into one. She sighed at put them to one side before checking the time, 5.36pm. Nick would be home at 7pm.
Sighing she stood up and made her way to the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of red wine and sitting back down on the sofa. Katie's words suddenly ringing in her ear as she took a sip from her drink and grabbed her laptop from the coffee table and opening up the search engine
Calories in red wine
Carla tapped the side of the laptop in annoyance as she waited for the page to load
125 calories in one serving
570 calories in 1 bottle
Wow. And she could easily drink a bottle or two a night, she was drinking over half of her daily calorie intake. Carla laughed bitterly to herself before clicking on further links, Katie was right, she was amazed at just how many calories were hidden in alcohol, maybe it was time she cut down on just how much she put away each night. She soon found herself on a website that told you the calorie content for nearly any drink or food, she quickly booked marked the page as she heard the key in the door, Nick was back early. She stood and took her empty glass back to the kitchen, pouring the rest of the contents of the wine down the sink
125 calories in 1 glass
She poured over 400 calories down the sink. She laughed to herself
"Good day? I see you've started on the wine already" Nick laughed as he walked over to Carla, wrapping his free arm around her waist and kissing the back of head "I have dinner, I hope you're hungry "
Carla nodded. She hadn't eaten all day
125 calories
The number kept running through her mind
"Starving" she smiled. Turning to face Nick and gently kissing him the lips "What was today's special " She teased, poking her younger slightly through her teeth, making him chuckle at her response
"Pasta. With a pesto sauce I think. And I managed to sneak out some cheesecake for afters" he flashed Carla a smile as he grabbed two plates from the cupboard and dishing up the still warm food
"I have wine too" he held up a bottle of her favourite wine
125
"I'm OK, still need to email Aiden over some figures " She points at the discarded paperwork
"Well, I never thought I'd see the day Carla Connor would turn down a drink, we could start our own bottle bank with your weekly supply " Nick laughs. His words causing an unfamiliar feeling in Carla's stomach.
570 calories in a bottle
"Earth to Carla" Nick waves a plate of food under Carla's nose
"Sorry " She mutters, taking the plate from his hand.
One bottle a night,
Nearly 4000 calories in alcohol a week
"Eat" Nick orders, but softly, his voice full of love and care. Carla smiles as she brings her fork to her mouth, relishing the burst of flavour that hits her tongue.
"Its nice to see you eat" Nick smiles
Carla lay with her head on Nicks chest, listening to the soft, regular beat of his heart, Nick gently stroking the small of Carla's back, both content in the bubble they had created for themselves, the bubble was full of understanding and attempts to make amends. There were no solutions in the bubble, but there were first steps; first steps that needed to be followed later on with more steps, outside the bubble.
"Bed?" Nick asks, sleep lacing his voice
"I just need to email those figures over to Aiden, then I'll be in" Carla yawned as she stretched, reaching for the laptop and quickly opening up her emails, quickly typing up the last of the figures and pressing send. As she started closing to shut the laptop down the last website popped up on her screen, she inputted the food they had eaten for dinner
Nearly 1000 calories
The thought gave Carla an easy feeling in her stomach, she quickly slammed down the screen to the laptop.
Why is it bothering her so much, she hadn't never given things like this a thought before. Sighing she stood up and walked towards the bedroom. Thoughts of food and calories on her mind
She didn't have a problem
Did she?