I'm so sorry for the lack of updates. I've been super busy, and kept getting stuck on this chapter. Anyway enjoy!
It's cold, always so cold. Carla unscrews the lid to the vodka bottle, putting it to her lips and tipping her head back, the sting of the alcohol burns her throat, affecting her body instantly. She wishes to feel something other than guilt. She knows she has people who care about her, people who love her. And she so wishes she could allow herself to show them how much she loves them too
And then the crushing reality of Kal and Maddies deaths hit her like a freight train and she can do nothing but stand there, shaking as the tears stain her face and her heart clenches so tight she fears it will implode itself into destruction.
Carla brings the bottle back to her lips once more. Roughly wiping years that escape from her eyes with the back of her hand as she looks out at the night sky
She hates the darkness.
It gives her too much time to think.
Too much time to remember,
Remember all her past mistakes
"Carla? " Tracy called out, making her way towards the cliff Carla was currently standing near
"Look, let's just go home, yeah? I'm sure dad would love to see you " Tracy pleads
"Nobody wants to see me" Carla scoffs "just go, Tracy"
"Just come away from the edge. This is crazy"
"Yeah, well I am crazy" Carla bitterly laughs
"And this is the answer? Typical Carla, finding the answers in the bottom of a bottle" Tracy mocked
"I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. Just guilt and pain"
"The fire? It was a mistake" Tracy hit with her own guilt
"Mistakes won't bring back Cal and Maddies lives"
"And neither will this" Tracy waves her arms on the air "Where are we anyway? "
"Used to come here as a kid. Me, Rob and Michelle. Whole gang of us"
"You grew up round here? "
"On an estate, not far from here. Used to dare each other to see who could stand nearest the edge. Stupid really, when you think about it" Carla laughed, walking closer to the edge
"Doesn't seem so scary now" Carla closed her eyes, leaning forwards. A small breeze pushing her back
"Carla... "
"Always used to wonder what it would feel like, to just fall. Just let gravity take you, pulling you down and then... Nothing. No more pain, no more guilt"
"And nothing? What about Michelle, what about Nick? "
"I'd destroy them anyway, in the end" She whispers, her voice so rough and soft it's barely there
"Selfish until the end" Tracy snarled
"Coming from you? " Carla laughed. Opening up the bottle of vodka once more
"Why do you hate me so much?
"Where should I start" Tracy huffs "Peter, Rob, The Rovers"
"The Rovers? " Carla asks in confusion
"Me and Tony, we were made for it. But then you came along" Tracy spat
"I really must be crazy, I think I just heard you say you hated me because of a back Street pub" Carla laughed bitterly
"Its not just that is it. You always have everything. The factory, money. Men"
"Careful there Barlow, you're starting to sound jealous"
"Jealous? Of a drunken lush? No you just where you are through luck" She spat
"You're right. It's just luck. It's just the roll of the dice. And I've gambled away my life" Nothing good anymore can come from her existence. There's only death and pain and loss, and she has had enough of that for her lifetime. Everything keeps escalating out of her control.
She closed her eyes and attempted to breathe normally, inhaling deeply whilst listening to the distant cars and the rush of air in front of her feet. Her body began to move, all semblance of reasoning flitting away from her half-hearted grasp as she gasped at the feeling of the edge of the cliff beneath her feet. She found herself stopped, the toe of her shoes over the edge, just as the sun dipped below the houses in the distance and her world plunging into darkness. She didn't open her eyes once, her rational side that thought of Nick and Michelle pushed away deep into the darkness surrounding her heart. She brought the corners of her mouth up in a small smile before taking one more step...
"CARLA. STOP. IT WAS ME. I STARTED THE FIRE" Tracy screamed, startling Carla who stumbled backwards. Her heart in her mouth. Unsure of what she was feeling. Relief? Or was it regret? Thankful for not dying, but regretful because she didn't get it over with?
"What are you on about? You weren't even there"
"I was. In your flat, I took Michelle's key, but the leaving the candle on was a mistake "
"Wait, slow down. You were in my flat? Amy was there! " Carla looked at Tracy in disbelief
"She was supposed to be with 'Liz"
"But she wasn't, and she could of died in that fire. The fire you started" Carla screamed. Walking towards Tracy
"Don't you think I know that, I never meant for her to get hurt"
"No, just me" Carla spat "So, what, you wanted me dead? "
"No. I don't know" Tracy sighed "I was angry, I wasn't thinking "
"You weren't thinking? Is there actually anything inside of that thick head of yours" Carla pushed at Tracy's head
"You let me think for months that I was responsible for those deaths. And you said I was the selfish one"
"I'm sorry " Tracy mumbled
"You're sorry? All these months, everything I've done was for nothing, no, it was for you. . And Nick... I've almost pushed a good man to the edge", Carla sighed, running a hand through her hair
"What are you going to do? You can't tell anyone"
"You are unbelievable" Carla laughed "You think I'm going to carry on taking the blame for you? Do you know what I've done myself because of you?" She screamed
"No one will believe you. Look at you, you're a mess. I just saved you from killing yourself. Nobody believed you about Frank and nobody will believe you about this" Tracy spat
"Leave" Carla whispered. She was visibly shaking from the anger burning deep inside her "Go now before I do something I will regret" she screamed. Tracy backed away slowly before running, leaving a broken Carla who instantly fell to the floor, a heart wrenching sob followed Tracy as she left
"You were supposed to watch her" Nick almost shouted as turned into another road
"I left her for 10 minutes. Look, Nick this is useless, we couldn't find her last time... "
"Last time. Of course! " Nick sighed. Receiving a confused look from Michelle
"Look, when you were younger, there was a quarry or something?"
"Yeah.. Not far from here. Why? Wait, you don't think... "
"Direct me? " Nick ordered, urgently. Pulling away quickly
Carla wasn't sure how long she sat there before her hands started moving. It could have been minutes or hours; time was too distant from her grasp to make any sense. She only knew that one minute she was staring into the distance catatonically, preparing to throw herself from the edge of the cliff, and the next she was scratching deep gouges into her arms. Her arms were crossed across her chest, fingers starting at the opposing shoulders before digging in and pulling all the way to her wrists before pulling off and repeating.
Her breathing began to slow and her mind stopped racing as she focused all of her attention to the pain in her arms, letting the overwhelming feeling of raw nerves being ravaged drown out everything else.
"Carla!" She heard a muddled voice yelling beside her through what sounded like a brick wall, but she was only focusing on processing Tracy's admission. She was right, nobody would believe her
"Please, come away from the edge " He pleaded, walking towards her slowly
"Nick? " As soon as she possibly could, Carla stifled the tears. She took some deep breaths and dried her eyes on her sleeve. Nick gave her space, but stayed close enough for him to actually hear her breathe. With a trembling sigh Carla gathered the courage to meet Nicks eyes where he saw insecurity mixed with hurt and shame. There was something completely devastating surrounding Carla
"You're freezing" He whispered, reaching a hand out to gently stroke her face. Carla placed her hand over his, tears spilling from her eyes as she fell into his arms
"Don't ever scare me like that again" Nick breathed a sigh of relief to have her safe in his arms
"It wasn't me " She whispered
"What? " Nick asks in confusion
"The fire. It wasn't me. All of this, was for nothing " She laughed bitterly. Pulling away from Nick and running a hand through her hair
"Carla... Let's get you away from here, we can talk at home "
"You don't believe me. Do you? " Carla panicked
"Carla. Breathe, calm down. I believe you"
"You didn't when you found out about Frank... " She whispered
"That. That was different" He admitted "If I could change how I treated you then I would. But now, I'm not the same man, you've changed me; for the better. Whether you believe me or not, but I need you. And seeing you here, on the edge of that cliff. It felt like my whole world was ending " He tried, and failed to relax, but the fact that he endured was the greatest sign of affection Carla could imagine. The sacrifice was amazing and made every struggle worth fighting.
"I'm sorry" She whispered "I just, I couldn't cope anymore. The guilt, it was eating away at me. But now... I know it wasn't me. It wasn't me " She repeated
"It wasn't you " he reassured her. Receiving a smile he hadn't seen in months from Carla "It was just an accident...a horrible accident"
"You're right. But it wasn't me that left that candle on" She sighed
"What? "
"Tracy. It was Tracy " Carla sighed
"Barlow? Carla, this isn't making any sense"
"I'm still trying to make sense of it" She sighed "She was here. She stopped me from..."
"Carry on. We can talk about...that, later " Nick closed his eyes, taking a sharp intake of breath
"She told me she was there, in my flat. She wanted to hurt me but she got disturbed.. "
"By her own daughter " Nick scoffed
"She had already lit the candle, she said it was a mistake, she panicked and left the candle on when she left, and the rest, you know"
"She could have killed you " Nick nearly shouted "All of this, everything that you've been through recently could have killed you"
"I know. I know" She sighed. Burying her head in Nicks chest
"What happens now? " Nick asks, holding onto Carla tightly
"I just want to go home. Please" She shivered. Unsure of what exactly would happen now. Either way, it felt oddly peaceful standing there in the dark, being afraid and insecure together; protecting each other and waiting for the sun to come and chase away their fears