Firstly in sorry that's it's been so long. I didn't plan on leaving the story where it was but I needed a little break, and then got major writers block. Anyway, I hope you're all still with me. I'll try better to update next time!
Nick felt her heartbeat under the oversized T-shirt that hid the thin torso and Nick resisted the urge to run his fingers over her protruding ribs, along her spine, just to feel how thin it had become. Carla's tense muscles relaxed surprisingly quickly, as if she finally felt safe enough to stop fighting. Nick suddenly felt a wash of guilt fill him.
It wasn't her
The fire
The deaths
How could he have ever thought the woman he currently held in arms was possible for any if it? In a vain attempt to ignore the guilt and the tears pressing down on his chest, Nick held Carla closer. As if it would make everything all right. As if it would make all the hurt go away. If it would, he'd never let her go.
Nick had forgotten, or perhaps suppressed, Carla's reluctance to sleep alone, without anything to protect her from the demons haunting her. Not that she had told him, of course, but it wasn't hard to figure out, especially when you have demons of your own. Pulling Carla tighter into his arms
"I didn't mean to wake you "
"S'ok" Carla mumbled, sleep evident in her voice
"Go back to sleep " Nick whispered, gently stroking the hair that had tumbled across Carla's face, tucking it behind her ear
"Awake now " Carla yawned before giving Nick a gentle smile
What are we going to do, Carla?"
Carla shrugged, but said nothing. Both of them unsure of what situation Nick was really referring to
"Can I ask something?" Nick wondered after a long silence and Carla nodded.
"If…if she hadn't of been there, would you have…jumped" The last word almost got stuck in Nick's throat and he wanted to squirm out of his skin at the mere thought. No one should ever have to ask such a question
"I.. Nick, do we need to do this" Carla pleaded
"No. No we don't, I just….You scared me Carla" Nick admitted
"I'm sorry." Carla's words were filled with guilt
"Don't be…." Nick's voice almost broke "I'm sorry I didn't notice," Reaching out to twine his fingers with hers, reminding himself that Carla had not disappeared yet. That she was still there, for a little bit longer.
Carla hesitated before letting go of a trembling breath, "You weren't supposed to."
"No. I should have. I told you I would always be there for you. Whether you like it or not I was supposed to keep you safe and I failed" Nick wished his voice didn't sound so weak, so pleading. So close to tears. How could he have missed it? In a vain attempt to ignore the guilt and the tears pressing down on his chest, Nick held Carla closer. As if it would make everything all right. As if it would make all the hurt go away. If it would, he'd never let her. Ever. Sadly, life didn't work that way, but at least the feeling of slowly choking on his own tears was lifted by Carla's warm body and the steady beat of her heart.
"You didn't fail. I'm still here" Carla whispered
Nick forced a smile in return, turning Carla's amusement into pure affection before it morphed into fear and desperation. He was familiar with both feelings and they were reflected back to him in Carla's eyes. For Nick, those feelings always came back to the question: What would he do if he lost her?
"We need to talk about…. Tracy" He murmured
"I just want to forget it" Carla admitted
"She needs to pay for what she's done" Nick shouted in disbelief
"I just want to move on. Get my life back on track, do you even understand how I've been feeling these past few months?
"You know damn well that I understand how you've been feeling. If you hadn't noticed I've been the one who was there when you were half killing yourself!" Nick couldn't stop himself from uttering the words, nor prevent the soft reprehension to seep through. He knew he shouldn't scold her, not even if it was meant to be loving and supporting.
Carla obviously thought the same, because she turned her head with a defiant glare.
"You think I wanted you to see me like that?" Carla whispered, crossing her arms protectively over her chest
Sorry," he said, reaching out and placing a hand over her crossed arms. Carla instinctively flinching. It always hurt when she did that.
"I need some time…on my own" Carla muttered, flinging the bed sheets off herself and throwing her legs over the side of the bed
"Carla, please"
"I need to clear my head" Carla took a deep breath, trying, unsuccessfully, to let everything go.
"Where are you going to go?" It felt wrong to to let her leave, even if deep down Nick knew that she needed the time on her own now more than ever
"Not where you think" Carla rolled her eyes
"I didn't… I trust you Carla. Just promise you'll text me, OK?
"I promise " Carla smirked, almost managing to build up her façade again
Two more miles and she'll stop. Carla tries to focus on breathing. Two more miles and then she would stop. She would stop, and she would go home, and she would find Nick and eat something. She smiles slightly. Now the truth had come to light things could go back to normal now, couldn't they? She didn't need to keep punishing herself
Starving herself
She could stop now
Couldn't she?
she frowns and runs harder, willing herself to be faster, making sure to really work herself this time. No one is going to make Carla better but Carla and she owes it to everyone who so clearly believe in her, to be better. She owes it to herself. It's in the last half of what's supposed to be the last mile Carla is in the process of convincing herself that she should run two more when she hears Katie start the treadmill up next to her
"Hey Carla. Having a good work out there" Katie laughs " Mind if I join you?"
"Of course not" Carla pants out, trying to catch her breath, and trying to hide it. For some reason the idea of seeming weak in front of Katie is extremely unappealing. "
"Are you sure? How long have you been going?"
"I just started."
Katie nods and starts jogging "Awesome then, lets go."
The run is hard, and her legs feel like lead the entire time. It's a good workout though, andCarla can't deny that it's a distraction from everything going on onside her head, so she doesn't complain even to herself. But she can't concentrate. She just lied to Katie for no reason. Or rather, she just lied to Katie for no reason other than to hide the fact that she had already been running for over an hour.
After half an hour Carla slows down to a jog. He probably shouldn't have run for so long
Katie noticed after about ten seconds slowed down to a jog herself to check on him.
"Carla, are you ok?"
Carla nods, "Yeah, sorry I just, have a stitch." More like her legs are about to fall off
"How much did you run before you ran with me?"
Lie, she thinks. Again. "Just a slow jog to warm up."
"Shall we stop? Maybe go grab a coffee?" Katie laughs
Carla hesitates. She wants to keep running, but she also just promised herself that she would slow down. So she nods, and Katies face brightens. Besides after all that, Carla is feeling really good about herself for the first time in months. She was making a positive change, and getting control of over at least one part of her life. She's doing this for herself
"You just let her go?" Michelle asked in disbelief. Every word wanted to come out as a scream, and it took so much effort to rein that in that she could barely speak.
"She needed space. She's blamed herself for so long. Those thoughts aren't just going to go away " Nick sighed and closed his eyes. The lack of sleep from the previous night was making it hard to think
"Where is she now?"
"She's meeting me here" Nick picked up his phone to check the time
"And what about her" Michelle spat, her eyes darting towards Tracy
"Carla won't talk about it " Nicked sighed
"Well then what are we going to do about her? "
"Have you got something to say?" Tracy shifted in her seat and looked over at Michelle, who was watching her, hawk-like, then around at Nick who studied her just as intensely.
"I think you're the one with something to say" Michelle snarled
"I don't know what you're on about " Tracy laughed. And nervously picked up the glass on front of her, turning her back on them and whispering with Robert
" Oh great, now she's here" She would have immediately jumped to her feet had Robert not had hold of her arm. Her eyes narrowed at him.
"What would you have done? Got into a fight. Wound them up more? You would have only made it worse, and Carla would have said something too. Do you want that? Robert hissed. Tracy pursed her lips, and glared at Carla for a moment, she swallowed hard and sat down again
"We can leave if to want " Nick offered as Carla sat next to him. Glancing over at Tracy
"No, it's fine. Going to have to learn to see her around aren't I" For a few moments, they sat in silence. Carla's mind was once again racing
"I need to tell you something.. " Nick reached over for Carla's hand
"Tracy Barlow?" A voice bellowed, Carla's head snapping round to find who the voice belonged to, her eyes instantly meeting with those of two police men, then round to those of Tracy
"Yes?" She spoke out
You're under arrest, you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court."
"Listen, this is all a big mistake," Tracy replied, squirming uncomfortably as she felt the cold metal of the handcuffs round her wrists
"Anything you say may be given in evidence," he concluded, ignoring her.
"You!" Tracy screamed. Eyes meeting Carla "I stop you from throwing yourself of a cliff and this is the thanks I get?"
"I didn't…"
"No. It was me " Nick admitted
"You had no right " Carla shook her head in disbelief. It was hard to say if the reality that met her was actually worse than what dhe had feared or not, because the fact that it was reality made it the most terrifying thing ever
Sorry," he said, not really grasping what he was sorry about, and placed both hands in his lap instead. He looked down at them, not sure what he should do, what he could do, what Carla wanted or needed him to do.
"What's going on? What is Tracy on about? " Sean asked
"Carla?" Michelle placed a hand on her shoulder, Carla instinctively shaking it off
"I bet you encouraged him didn't you? " Carla kept his voice very matter-of fact, but John knew him well enough to see the insecurity in his posture. It didn't matter though. Right now it didn't matter at all.
"I didn't know he phoned them, but if I did then yes, I would have. She needs to pay for what she did!" putting her anger and frustration on hold for a while "She let you take the blame for Maddie and Kals deaths, when all along it was her"
"Tracy started the fire? She murdered my girlfriend? Sophie asked in disbelief
"I'm sorry. I can't do this" Carla replied a bit harsher than she had intended. Grabbing her bag she fled from the rovers return. Nick quickly trailing behind her.
This isn't how he planned things to go