Nick hated hospital, everything was so sterile and white. the smell of disinfectant filling his nostrils that bought back too many bad memories, he had spent far too much time in this place. He couldn't quite believe that things with Carla had come this far. He should have done something, he could have prevented everything that happened today if he had just done something
The hospital gown was itchy against Carla's skin as she shifted on the bed. The heart monitor drummed on, unaffected. She takes a slow breath in and releases it even slower. Her body aches like she's been working it to the bone for years. Her chest feels heavy as she keeps breathing. She tilts her head to one side, then to the other. Her head feels like it weighs ten extra pounds. The lights are too bright and the bed is uncomfortable.
The walls are white, too white, the bed creaks underneath her. There's nothing besides her, the bed, and a rolling tray. She winces when she tries to sit up. She flops back down with a huff. It hurts. Tears start to well up in her eyes, but she pushes them back
She wishes she could just rip the IV the doctor has insisted she had from her arm and leave, she doesn't belong here, there's a door in front of her, and while part of her wants to run out and run away from the room with the too white walls, she knows she can't. She doesn't have the strength for that. It took so much to just sit up. There's no way she could handle running. Not now. Her stomach twists. It grumbles at her.
She had really messed up today, there are too many memories she would rather not remember. She rolls to her side and curls up on herself. She holds back her tears, now is not the time to cry. You're stronger than that. She pushes herself back up and places a hand to her increasing headache. She blinks a few more times. It's too bright. The room is too unfeeling. She swallows hard.
The door opens. She snaps her head up to the man now entering her room. She swallows again when the man smiles at her. Not a condescending smile, but a look that one would use with a frightened animal. That's what Carla feels like. She's in a cage.
His white uniform blends in with the bland walls around him. He's carrying a clipboard and a glass of water
"Hello Mrs Connor" He says calmly. He holds the glass of water out to her as a peace offering which Carla gratefully accepts "My name is David, I'm a psychiatric nurse. The doctor who assessed you when you were admitted this evening has referred you to the mental health team in the hospital, I'm just here to ask you a few questions if that's OK?" He's still smiling at her. She looks down to the blanket covering her legs. She doesn't want to answer him. She doesn't know what to say or how to react to this situation
"Can you tell me why you're here Mrs Connor?" She slowly raises her eyes to meet his. He's still smiling at her. Her fingers twitch. She can't stop the thought that he's judging her, waiting for her to slip on something, to see the imperfections.
"How about I ask you some basic questions first and we'll go from there? He asks patiently. Carla slowly nods and gives him a small smile
"You were admitted today as your boyfriend claims you had taken a number of diet pills, thankfully the doctor who examined you said there was no immediate danger, but wanted you on an IV and sent off for a number of blood tests" He pauses before he continues "The results show no lasting damage from the diet pills, though they was a high level in your bloods, how long have you been taking them for?"
"A few weeks " Carla mumbles. She knew she could just lie, but she was in too far now. David scribbles something on the papers in his hand
"Mrs Con.."
"Carla. Call me Carla"
"Ok, Carla" David nodded with a small smile "I'm just going to go through a few necessary questions so I can best assess your needs"
"Alright " Carla sighed
"Other than the diet pills, do you struggle with any substance abuse?"
"I'm not addicted to them" Carla said in defence. David simply smiled and shook his head
"Have you experienced any hallucinations, auditory, visual, or otherwise?"
"No."
"Have you fainted in the last month?"
"Yes" Carla whispered
"Alright," David said, checking off some boxes on the forms in front of him before continuing. "Have you ever performed self-injurious behaviours?"
"No."
"Any thoughts of suicide?"
Carla paused for a bit, trying to wrap her head around the question. It's not as if she didn't know the answer, she did, very well. It was more a question of whether or not she could actually say it.
"Yes." she said finally.
"Could you explain?"
Carla could feel her throat close up. There's no words that she can come up with. She tries. She opens her mouth and sucks in air, but no noise comes out. She exhales and looks away. She upset with herself. She should be able to talk. She should know the words to say and be strong enough to say them. She squeezes her eyes shut. How disappointing. She can't do it. She should be able to. A few more tears well up in her eyes. She wipes them away quickly. She's stronger than that
"Is there any history of suicide attempts?" David pushes, receiving a slow nod from Carla
"I was raped" She blurts out "I never intended to...I didn't want to die. I just needed to sleep " She admitted. David pulled out a packet of tissues from his pocket and passed them to Carla
"I'm so sorry Carla. I just have a few more questions if that's OK?"
"Alright " She replied, fiddling with a stray thread on the blanket
"Because of the nature of why you're admitted I have to ask you these questions"
"Do you struggle with food?"
Carla shrugged, her eyes looking towards the door. She knew Nick would be waiting outside for her
"Have you lost more than 12lbs in the last 3 months? "
Again Carla shrugged. She didn't want to be here
"Have you ever made yourself sick?"
"Have you ever over exercised as a way to burn calories?"
"Do you think you're overweight?"
"I don't know" She admitted "I just.. I need the control " The words seemed so empty, so meaningless now. Carla let a single tear role down her cheek. She clenched her first, the feeling of her own nails digging into her own skin gave her a sick satisfaction
David looked up before writing something else on the notes. Part of her wants to scream, the other part wants to die
"I need to get a reading of your height and weight. Then I'll leave you to rest for a while. Can you stand?"
Carla removes the blanket off her legs. She flips them off the side and touches them to the floor and pushes off the bed and stands. David took the IV from her hand and walks towards the door and waves her on to follow. She grabs the blanket from the bed and follows him, thankful he doesn't mention it. She wraps it over her shoulders and hugs it tight. The t-shirt she's wearing does nothing to stop the cold from the hallway.
She looks up at the board taking up a chunk of the wall. It's a white board sectioned off into times of day with names at the side. She spots her name at the top. A breath leaves her. Now it's starting to feel real. She's really in a hospital. She's really there. He breathing sharpens and her head feels light. Immediately she's sat on the ground and pressed against the wall. Nick had come running at the sight if Carla on the floor, he is staring at her. He's saying something but she can't focus. Her breathing is too hard. She looks at his lips. Whispering words she can't register. She recognizes the word he's mouthing. Breathe.
She takes a deep breath and holds it till she can't no longer. The air comes easier then. His voice is cutting through the fog in her head. She can hear him now, telling her to breathe slowly and lean against the wall fully. She listens, not taking her eyes off the green of his. They are constant and unwavering in their determination to get her to calm down. There's water from somewhere. She takes it carefully, afraid she'll drop it. The nurse sits beside her, not close enough to touch her, but close enough so she can feel him next to her.
"Carla, do you get panic attacks often?" He asks. The overwhelming sense of 'this is real' hit her too hard. She couldn't handle it
"Only once" Nick adds, rubbing his hand up and down her back, helping her to relax. David quickly scribbles something else on her notes before standing
"Carla we'll have to move you from the floor, is that OK? "
Carla buries her head into Nicks neck, inhaling the lingering smell of his aftershave. She feels his arms wrap round her tiny torso as he gently squeezes.
"Let's get you up " He mumbles into her hair as he gently guides her to standing.
"Stay with me " Carla begged, looking over at David as she clinged to Nick, David nodded, giving them both a small smile as he led them towards a small room. He ushered Carla to stand on the scales that were situated on the other side of the room, Nick let go of her of her hand, giving her a sympathetic smile, his eyes pleading with hers to co-operate.
Carla's stomach lurched and churned at the same time as she took small steps forward, placing one foot on cold hard steel, taking a deep breath before placing the other on too. Her face eerily serene except for her eyes. Her eyes looked frightened and sad and alone and guilty
David fiddled with various buttons on the scales, taking notes of Carla's height and weight before inputting the results on the computer next to him. Nick watched closely as David's brow furrowed and look of concern briefly crossing his face
"According to your height and weight your BMI is currently 16.3" David murmured
"What does that mean?" Nick asked. Confusion written all over his face
"If you could take Carla back to her room and I'll be back to talk to you in a moment" David gathered all of his notes before taking his leave, a silence fell between Carla and Nick, neither knowing what more to say. Finally after what seemed like ages, Nick opened the door and slipped out, Carla followed behind her, and stopped when they rounded the corner
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a rubbish boyfriend. I'm sorry for not helping sooner. I'm should have-"
"No, Nick. Don't –"
"All this guilt…it's too much. You shouldn't have gone through all that ,I could have done something, prevented things getting so bad"
"This is my fault. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this" Carla admitted, tears filling her eyes
"I'm supposed to look after you. I hate how you treat yourself. And today, seeing you shoving those pills down your throat so desperately made me feel hopeless. Sad. But above all I felt scared. Not for me, but for you"
"There you are" David smiled "Shall we go through?"
"Can Nick stay?"
"Of course. If you're comfortable with him hearing what I have to say? " Carla nodded in reply as she held tightly onto Nicks hand as they entered the room
"I'd like to do a full assessment with you at a later date but from your blood results, answers and your BMI I would like to initially diagnosis you with an eating disorder, specifically Anorexia Nervosa "
"Anorexia? " Nick asked in disbelief, sure he was the first to admit that Carla was suffering with some sort of eating disorder, but he never imagined it was this bad
"Her BMI is extremely low, she fits the criteria for the diagnosis " David replied "I'd like to put you back on an IV and we'll get you a prescription filled out for numerous vitamins "
"Can I go home?" Carla whispered. Her head felt heavy, tears threatened to spill from her eyes
"The doctor would like you to stay overnight, finish the IV and I need to fill out some paperwork. And I think you could do with the rest" David smiled "A nurse will be in the administrate your IV and something for that headache. Unfortunately I'm going to have to ask your boyfriend to leave now"
Carla nodded numbly as Nick kissed the top of her head "I'll be back first thing in the morning " He promised, as he turned to leave, a gentle hand fell round his wrist, causing him to turn his head around. His own green eyes meeting her emerald ones, the latter appearing to search for something. It felt oddly safe. Just being held captive in the gaze
"I love you" He whispered, before finally turning and left. Nick walked out of the hospital, which felt ten times smaller. Outside, it was drizzling, He swiftly made his way out to his car. Getting in, he closed the door and leaned his head against the steering wheel. Ugly sobs racked through him, and for once he set aside his pride to cry.
He fell in love with long Raven hair and early morning kisses, a cheeky smile and a dirty laugh. Soft eyes and even softer lips; late-night conversations about everything and nothing at all. Looking into the kitchen cupboard and seeing too many mugs for only one person
Stealing her shower gel, his favourite smell, just to hear the fondly exasperated sigh of his name. Lopsided smiles and just noticeable freckles, unbridled laughter giving way to soft giggles. Cuddling in sleepy silence while sharing morning coffee, a head on his shoulder with soft breaths on his neck. Nick fell in love with Carla
Nick couldn't fall in love with a rumbling stomach. The sound of pacing at 2 a.m. Meals replaced with coffee. Hour long showers spent looking in the mirror and never being happy with the reflection.
Making dinner for two only eaten by one, kisses tasting faintly of mouthwash and bile. Hiding behind layers of clothing, always wearing jackets but never being warm. Blue and purple nails to match the blossoming bruises, stumbling footsteps and crashing into walls. Every new bone that pushes through skin breaking Nick's heart just a little bit more.
Nick fell in love with Carla but he could never fall in love with her eating disorder.