Just a quick update as i try to get back into this story. Enjoy!
Carla's life had always been hectic, it wasn't really surprising that she had unhealthy ways to deal with the chaos. She couldn't really remember the first time she felt out of place, that she didn't quite belong.
She had convinced her self that she could stop when ever she wanted, that she didn't actually have an eating disorder, she just wanted to prove something to everyone.
The few days she's spent in hospital have been hard, she sat in her room with tears rolling down her cheeks as she made the terrifying realisation that no, she couldn't change, this was a part of her life now and even though Tracy had finally admitted the truth, lifted the guilt and pain, Carla still couldn't stop counting calories.
The scariest part was that Carla didn't want to change, she felt like this little obsession was what defined her, she didn't know who she was with out it. She presses her palms in to her eyes, willing herself not to cry, and failing, because she's useless. Tears drip down her cheeks, and she knows she's teetering on the edge of a panic attack, knows that she needs to call someone, or practice one of those breathing techniques the doctors kept banging on about.
She idly flips her phone in her hand, she is dying to speak to Nick but she just cant muster the courage to press the dial button. For now, though, she sits, and cries, and chokes on gasps of air, because she can see the look on his face as he looks at her, she knew that she was a burden, she knew it, and everyone who has spent hours convincing her otherwise was wrong, and she hates herself, everything about herself, she's a mess, and awful and inconvenient.
She manages to take a deep breath and closes her eyes, willing herself to calm down as she runs a hand through her hair, and as she brings her hand down she finds strands of hair - brittle, and dry between her too thin fingers. She brings her hand back up and entwines her fingers through her hair as she sobs when a hand closes around her wrist and gently untangles it from her fingers.
"Carla? Sweetheart? what happened?"
Nick is sitting in front of her, cheeks flushed from the nip of the winter wind, his hair a mess from being bundled under his hat, he looks tired and cold and anxious but still somehow he looks at her with nothing but unconditional love
"Carla?" Nick asks again, a little more urgently, and reaches out to touch her cheek. Carla cups a hand over Nicks, holding it in place, and then presses a kiss to the back of his hand.
Carla takes a breath, it's so much easier now that Nicks here, but she's suddenly horribly aware of how vulnerable and exposed she is. How do you tell someone who loves you so deeply that you hate yourself?
"What if I can't get over this? What if we cant get over this?"
"I'm not saying its going to be easy, that I totally understand or that I can make you better, but if will do whatever I can to help you" Nick still feels like it's too much. He can't figure out how he feels about it, so maybe it would be good for him to talk to her about it
"What if I don't want to be fixed" Carla mumbles
"What do you mean? You want to get better, don't you? he says angrily, and this is not the first time they've had this discussion
"I don't feel that I can, or that i want to" She admits. "I'm sorry," she whispers and her throat tightens around the words.
Nick looks at her, surprised and swallows thickly, praying that his voice stays strong for this. He feels raw and his emotions are bubbling on the surface, and he's not sure what to do about them.
"I don't even know where to start with all this" He admits "I'm not going to lie that i am finding this so hard but I also know that's just not true. I know you want to get better otherwise we wouldn't be here. We wouldn't be talking about this" He sighs and puts his forehead against Carla's, creating a safe space for them
"You are more than your past, your problems and more importantly you are more than your eating disorder. You are Carla. The love of my life"
The intimacy of it kills Carla but she just accepts him, accepts all his hard truths. All the shit that he's been through. How it doesn't change how he looks at her or how he loves her
Carla doesn't understand it. Can't understand it. She's lived with the conviction that the things that have happened to her, happened because she deserved them for a long, long time.
"I will remind you of this every day if I have to," Nick whispers, his voice holding such conviction that Carla knows that he will
"The doctor suggested we talk to someone, together" "Carla says and glances at Nick to gauge his reaction.
"Okay. What do you think about that?"
Carla nods and shrugs. she's not sure.
"I don't know. I guess it would do us good?" She looks at Nick fully now, licking her lips nervously.
"Do you want that?" he asks carefully.
Carla shrugs and looks down at her hands. She's so conflicted about it. She's spent such a long time dealing with things on her own. Never one to reach out for the hand offering to help. Its hard for her to let it all go.
"Maybe?" she finally settles on. Nick smiles, pleased, and puts an arm around Carla to pull her in for a kiss.
"Maybe is a much better start than no," Nick says against her lips, making Carla smile with him. He keeps a strong hold on her, tethering her to him. He can't let go of her. Carla wants to live in this bubble with Nick forever. She feels safe here. Which is not a feeling that she is used to in any way