The office walls were bright white and the fluorescent lights made them even more blinding. Carla sat on the well-cushioned chair and waited for the therapist
"Hello, Carla, nice to see you again." Dr Hanson was a young man, though his young years didn't make him any less professional. He was gentle and kind
"No Nick today?"
"He's finding somewhere to park" Carla mumbled
"We can talk until he gets here. How have you been?" reaching out a hand Dr Hanson patted Carla's hand for reassurance
Well," Carla swallowed the lump in her throat "It's been hard, harder than I expected, the thoughts, they're always there" She was surprised at how much she felt the need to cry. She blinked and carried on
"Don't be so hard on yourself, as we discussed before, recovery is hard, it's going to take time and you will have bad days, but that doesn't mean you aren't making progress"
"Nicks been a great help, talks me down and the thoughts kinda stop for a while" Carla licked her lips and paused
Dr. Hanson seemed to sense the tears about to come. "Crying is natural, Carla, and you should not judge yourself for it." Dr. Jenson grabbed a tissue and handed it to her
Carla broke down. "But then they came back," she hiccupped and cried as she finally told Dr. Jenson "And I'm trying so damn hard" She sniffed and wiped away the tears that stung her eyes
"I need them all to think ok doing well, so they don't worry. And, I mean, I know they just want to help me, but I just want it to be the way it used to be. When I could hide out for days and it wouldn't matter."
"I see, but, and not to interrupt you, what if they did matter before, but you simply wouldn't let them care for you?"
"Well," Carla struggled to speak.
"I know you like your space, we all do, but sometimes all a person needs is someone to talk to. And I won't always be here to do that. To talk to you. I think, I think it would benefit to speak to the Nick about this." Dr. Hanson leaned over at squeezed Carla's shoulder. "I know it's out of your comfort zone, but I do believe whole-heartily that Nick loves you and cares about you"
"I know he does, but things between have been...strained, he says he still feels the same way about me, but I can notice the change..." Carla stopped as Nick slowly opened the door. Her red, teary eyes meeting his as he closed the door silently and sat next to Carla "What's happened? He said softly as his fingers softly entwined with Carla's. Something about his touch made Carla's heart skip a beat
"Carla? Do you want to continue what you were saying? " Dr Hanson urged
"I was just...it's been so hard" she whispers faintly "You either touch me like I'm going to break or like the thought of being near me..." the admission draining out of her in a rush
"It's not like that at all" Nick grits out, aggrieved "I'm finding this hard too Carla, and I'm trying SO hard. I've never been in a situation like this, it's.. it's like there's you, this amazing, strong woman and then there's this other woman, and she's cruel and hurts you and I know there is nothing I can do because only you can make her go away"
"That is a good way of looking at this. But you must also remember, this is part of Carla now too, and she is already making great progress" Dr Hanson warmly smiles, glancing at both Carla and Nick before looking at his notes
The silence lasted just long enough for Nick to believe its permanence, before she spoke again.
"I'm still me...I'm trying to be. I don't want to bring more people into this, this thing. My life, everything is broken right now, and I'm trying to fix myself before I bring anymore people down with me. I just need time" Calm and determined, her eyes bore into his, desperate for him to understand
"But we are already in this with you, Carla. We are already here. What about Michelle, You think she doesn't miss her best friend?"
"Something inside me has changed. It's like I built up this wall inside. And I don't know, I guess I just don't want to hurt either of you like that again. I know I'm not going to be the kind of person that I want to be until I can get past this"
She'd come here to heal and to try to find a way to sort her life so that she could be happy. He wanted to help. He wanted her happy
"Carla, I knew about the wall when I met you, and I'm sure Michelle does too. She'll wait. You and me, we can work through this thing and you can be happy. That wall won't be there forever; I can help you break it down. You just have to let me."
"Thank you for understanding, Nick"
"I want to be here for you. That's all. Don't shut me out, we can do this together. And even if you feel like nobody cares about you Carla, I do, so much more than you will ever know"
"I'm doing my best" Carla sighs
"I know you are baby" Nick whispers as he kisses her gently. Her face looks soft, almost, for a moment. The light of the mid-day sun flickers dimly through the dark, narrow spaces between the Oakwood blinds. She can't help it, she feels more relaxed already, just being near Nick, the gentle thrum of his heartbeat can be felt through their still entwined fingers
"I know I'm reckless and careless; but for such a long time there hasn't been anyone around who might be even the smallest bit bothered what state I got myself into" Nick stared at her as she sucked in a deep breath and reflexively tightened her grip around his hand as they turned to face each other
"My mum, she had been drinking since I could remember, she had no idea what was happening around her, no idea what was going on, once she left me and Rob on our own, I was only ten and she hadn't come home because she went out drinking the night before, she finally came home the next day" Nick shifted closer to Carla and placed his other hand over hers; when she was caught up in her memories he knew how easily startled she could get
"She said a lot of things when she was drunk, and you're right, it did feel, does feel like sometimes, that nobody cares because the one person who should have cared, she didn't"
"Carla" Nick kept his voice low as she paused and tightened his grip on her hand, he knew Carla didn't have a great start in life but he didn't know it has been this bad
Let me finish, please." He nodded and kept a hold of her hand "she might have been a waste of space, but I felt like one as well; and I know, deep down that's not true, but at the time… everything was going wrong and, it was just easier to go through the motions, not caring about myself because no one else did. I suppose it's just been a bad habit to break" She admits
"Where was your dad?" Nick asked in disbelief
"Who knows. There was one man, George. But I think mum just found it easier to say I was his, she was probably too off her head to remember who me real dad is"
"You should have told me... I would have understood"
She's never been one to talk about these things all that openly, even with Nick, the one person she trusts implicitly. It doesn't help that he catches onto her discomfort, he's giving her that look that says Carla, are you okay; She knows he means well and usually she loves that he pays such close attention to her every detail but sometimes she just wishes he weren't so goddamn intuitive. Realistically, she knows she can open up to him about anything but she doesn't want him to make this into a big deal. She's been through the healing process. It's been years
"I need to stop." Her words were whispered, Her fingers had tensed around Nicks and he could feel the inbuilt need to move within her fighting to take over. He stroked his fingers across her prominent cheek bones and sighed as his fingers came away wet with salty tears.
"I'm sorry." She mumbled the words into the crook where his neck and shoulder met and he pulled her body closer to his. She snuggled her face further into his neck and her arm snaked across his chest, gripping tightly to his other arm
There's nothing to be sorry for Carla, if you want to stop we stop, you know that." Nicks reassurances help sooth her and he felt a sigh of relief as the muscles in her back began to relax
"We can continue on this at our next session, but like I said earlier Carla, talk to someone else too, let Nick help you. Use those around to help you on those bad days"
Okay," Carla said with a slight blush and a weak smile as if she wasn't sure she could promise something like that
"Let's get you home" Nick smiled, squeezing her hand once more
"Do you want some tea?" Carla asked as they walked back through the door of her flat
"If you're making it" Nick answered with a smirk
"I'm sure I could manage" Carla smirked back as she pulled out two mugs from the cupboard before pulling out an array of teabags
"Why do we have so many different boxes of tea?" Carla asked with a disapproving frown as she held a box to her nose
"Because I like them" Nick grinned
"I dont. This one smells like an old lady's perfume" Carla screwed her nose up, making Nick chuckle
"I won't make you drink the old lady tea"
"Good" Carla smiled as she handed him his mug. Nick smiled as well and inhaled the scent of the tea; he had never thought about it before but Carla was right, it actually smelled like perfume
Carla knew she was well below her daily intake of calories today, she hesitantly picked up the pot of sugar from the worktop and put two teaspoons in her tea and stirred the tea slowly. The solute dissolved quickly and, just like that, she couldn't tell by looking that there were about thirty extra calories in the mug. She dropped the spoon into the sink and stared into the mug. She could smell the sugar and her whole body seemed to revolt at the idea of drinking it. Sugar in tea was nothing, and she had eaten far too little for far too long now
But she loved it.
And she hated that she loved it
"I'm so proud of you" Nick whispered as she wrapped his arms around her torso. He had been watching her in her silent torment
"For what? I'm standing here having a mental crisis over some sugar in my tea"
"Small steps" Nick placed a kiss into her hair
"Small steps" She replied, giving him a weak smile
"Just promise me that you will tell me when you are really struggling" He said as he reached for her mug and placed it into her hands
"That hasn't worked out so well in the past" Carla replied, looking and sounding a bit guilty "I don't want to disappoint you if I can't keep that promise"
Well, at least she was honest and Nick appreciated that; it would have been nice to have got the promise though. In the end it didn't matter he realised, his feelings were the same either way
"I trust you"
"Idiot" Carla smirked and shook her head as she finally lifted the mug to her lips
"I know" Nick smiled fondly at her as she takes small sips of her tea before she settles the cup back down.
"About earlier...I'm sorry if I ever made you feel that I still don't feel the same way about you"
"Nick..." She breathed but before she could continue he pulls her in by the waist, pressing her against his chest before darting in to kiss her. He wraps his arms around her and hums against her lips. He can feel her smile
"You don't have to do this just because of what i said" She whidpersas he pulled away from the kiss
"I'm not. I'm doing this because I love you, and you're amazing"
"Nick..I love you too"
They stumbled through the bedroom doorway, shedding clothing as they moved, their lips moving forcefully against each other "Okay?" He whispered, reverently kissing her cheek, his fingers ghosting over her body as Goosebumps appear on her naked skin, arousal singing its way through her bloodstream.
"More than."