For Elise May. Thank you for recommending my story and those who messaged me to motivate me to update
Life doesn't work like this. Carla knows it doesn't. She knows better than anyone that life is just a series of battles, of struggling and fighting and falling and crying and standing back up until your legs can't support you anymore
life leaves you broken and empty and that seemed the best reward for everything she had been through
Life doesn't give her men who fall in love and fail to fall out of it. It doesn't give her men who don't hurt her in some way, men who use her and leave her even more broken than when they found her
Until life does
Carla wakes up in the middle of the night with the man she loves breathing slowly beside her and can feel the darkness curled up behind her heart slither away and leave her.
She reaches over and gently lifts herself onto her elbow as she watches the rise and fall of Nicks chest as he softly sleeps. She sometimes wonders how someone so amazing like him could possibly love her, someone so broken and damaged. She glances over and sees Nick looking at her, openly staring and a little in awe, in the way he does when he thinks she can't see him.
She catches his eye as he wraps his arm around her waist, his skin soft against her own, his lips against her neck even softer and she knows if there are bad days, days when eating feels like a knife she's taking to her own skin and the mirrors stab her eyes, days when every touch hurts and so she spits out words that hurt worse, days when Nick shrinks away from her or shouts back or has to hold her close and tight until she stops thrashing, well, she knows that he will always be there for her. And that is not something she ever thought she would have. Or something that she deserves but for now she lets Nick hold her as she feels herself being drawn back into a deep slumber
Carla sat at the kitchen table, a cup of tea in front of her. Steam rose up in curls. She watched it, half entranced and half disinterested
"Too much sugar?" Nick asks, looking a little anxious
"Its fine, thanks" Carla hesitantly reached out, grasping the warm cup, but herself unable to drink it. The hand that lifts the cup to her lips feels weighted, heavy. Disgusting a voice seems to whisper in her ear. She shivers convulsively and lowers the cup back onto its coaster.
It's not healthy. It's not normal, and just because she's come to need it, her little measure of control, something to cling to, just because she needs it more than she has just about anything doesn't make it acceptable
"Are you all right?" Nick suddenly asked, tapping insecurely with his fingers on his own mug. Carla blinked " I know that look"
Carla bites her bottom lip, hard
"'Chelle called this morning, she's coming over" Her voice is tight and quiet
" Do you want me to stay?"
"No, i think this is something i need to do alone, she deserves answers"
"Call me if you need me"
"I will" she smiles "I'd better get dressed, and you need to get to work"
"You'll come to the bistro at lunch?"
"I have to pop into work but yes, I'll see you at lunch"
"Work? Is that..." Carla cuts him off before he can finish
"Nick, you can't keep me wrapped up in cotton wool, I need to get back to 'normal'"
"What are you going to tell them.."
"I'll tell them when I'm ready, for now they don't need to know" She doesn't mean to snap, she's just not ready to tell anyone else yet. She's already dreading talking about it with Michelle
"Alright, I'm sorry" Nick murmurs as he walks over to Carla and wraps his arms around her, he has learnt the hard way to push her too quickly. They would take this at her own pace
"Thank you" She sighs, Honestly, she's more scared of losing Nick than she's ever been of this thing. She'll hide it, she'll work around it, she'll make this work forever if she has to. Just so long as she doesn't lose him
"Go get dressed, or I may never get to work" He smirks, making Carla grin back at him
"Ok Nicky" she laughs
"I told you not to call me that" He pouts, pretending to be offended as Carla reaches up and gives him a kiss before heading off to the bathroom just as there as was a knock on the front door
"I'll let her in, and I'll see you at lunch" Nick calls through to her
"Hi Michelle" Nick says as he pulls the door open
"Hey" She gives Nick a small smile as she steps inside
"She's just getting changed now...Michelle please take it easy with her, she's not as strong as she making out to be"
"You mean she's being Carla" She chuckles softly
"Something like that" Nick smiles back
"How is she...really?" She inhales a shaky breathe
"Honestly? Its going to be a long road before she's anywhere near better, but its early days still"
"Is she eating now?"
"Its not that easy..."
"She won't eat, isn't that a red flag to you, to the doctors? She's been doing this for months, and nobody seems to be doing anything!" Michelle exclaims
"Of course it is! But what can I do, you cant force her, it makes her worse" Nick lowers his voice ever so slightly
"So we just continue to tiptoe around this? What's it going to take? She's my best friend and I worry about her"
"Can you two stop talking about me like I'm not here?" Carla asks as she appears behind them, her voice angry but full of tears as her eyes well up, "I don't even know how to make it better. I don't think I can. I don't think these things go away, but im trying, isn't that enough?" She whispers, about as much of an admittance as she's willing to give
"Oh, Carla" Michelle whispers, staring.
She shifts. "What?"
"I can see your flamin' ribs," she says
Carla realised she should have dressed completely in the bathroom, but her t-shirt had slipped from her grasp and gotten soaked as she heard the two of them arguing from inside the flat as she emerged from in her jeans and a bra, a towel wrapped around her top half. She tenses so much she feels like her body might explode into a thousand pieces
Suddenly her thoughts were really swarming. They overtook her, all having their own noise and voice. She heard all of this buzzing around her brain, small butterflies of obsessive thought flapping their wings to a non-existent but evident beat. They all started to fall from the pattern and become scattered, the unorganized noise too much for her as she started to sob, bitter, salty tears. Her voice was speaking all of these horrible thoughts. She was telling herself she wasn't good enough, that she could never be like everyone else. She could never be like anyone else. She was her own entity, her own monster. Her own mess, her own disgusting, vile being
"Carla?" Nick rushes over to her and pulls her into him
"Car' im sorry..I..why didn't you say anything?"
Carla looks at her dubiously as she pulls away from Nick "Isn't that obvious? I didn't want you to know"
"Why not? Michelle demands "I could have helped you "
"Helped? There is no help, there is just hiding and managing and carrying on"
" You could have talked to me. We've been through so much together"
"I didn't want to hurt you" Carla let out a final sob as Michelle wraps an arm around her.
She's hugged Carla plenty of times, but she's never seen her like this before, without her shirt, never realized what this has done to her
"Let me get dressed" Carla says.
"You're fine," Michelle soothes. And Carla believes her, and moves into her arms, letting her hold her tight. She wraps her arms around Michelle hugging her back
"I'm sorry I didn't go to you." Carla said softly.
"I love you so much." Michelle knew better than to tell Carla she didn't have to apologize. So she said the only words she had at the time. She can't change the now, at least not today, not now. She will, She promises herself, promises every star in the sky, every raindrop falling from the sky, that she will do anything to help her best friend