A/N: Hey guys! I'mma back! And now it's time to hit up some of Episode 1: Murder Family! Part 1.
That being read, I welcome your Reviews. If you have criticisms, I welcome those too. Please keep them constructive. I want to grow as an author, and I can't do that if people aren't willing to critique, or only want to tear me down. I'm not here to please everybody, but I am here to learn. There is a method to my madness, even if I don't always fully understand it. 90% of what I write, I don't write baselessly. If there is something not canon or changed from canon, there is generally a reason. If something doesn't make sense, feel free to let me know (constructively), and as long as it doesn't creep into SPOILER! territory, I'll do my best to explain it.
WARNING: This is rated M for a reason. In keeping with the spirit of Helluva Boss, there will be copious amounts of Murder, Brutal Violence, Senseless Violence, Child Violence, Gender-Equal Violence, Accidental Violence, Drugs, Hard Drugs, Soft Drugs, Prescription Drugs, All-Natural Drugs, "All Natural" Drugs, Alcohol, Blood, Gore, Visceral, Dissection, the occasional slow-crunch of Bones, and Cannibals contributing to said "slow-crunch", Language, Offensive Language, non-Politically Correct Language, possibly butchered attempts at Foreign Language, Horny Demons, Hornier Humans, even Hornier Furries, and any number of things the average law-abiding citizen might consider "distasteful", but that I find hilarious because laughter is easier than being angry at people or the world all the time.
This story is not for people who are easily offended, are offended on other people's behalf when they really don't give a shit, squeamish around violence, think sex is naughty, or think jokes are like dicks and take them way too hard. You know the drill (haha! I just got that!)
If you don't like it, DON'T READ IT!
This is for Adults, or for any of you below the age of 18 who are so desensitized to this stuff because your parents never cared about your mental sanctity (Wow! Already getting in the spirit of things and insulting people! Nice!). All the same, Reader Discretion is Advised. (God I love this pre-story warning!)
But! Because this is my first "real" attempt at such mature content, don't expect me to dive head-first into 'X-rated' stuff. Or even dabble. No dabbling. That's not the vibe I got from Helluva Boss. That, and my mother would burn me at the stake if I did. Love you Mom!
Review Responses:
- "Guest" 1: Welp! Here's that update! And I'm glad you like it.
- Spawn Spider: Glad to read it!
- "Guest" 2: Perhaps posting your Review on Fury would be more appropriate. I keep tabs on all my stories, so it would save us both some time. However, since you asked, it'll get posted within 10 to 15 minutes before this, sooo...
*End of Responses
Disclaimer: I don't own Helluva Boss, Hazbin Hotel, or any of its subsidiaries. Those rights belong exclusively to Vivziepop, and anyone else who had a hand in it's creation. I just get to enjoy it for all it's worth.
I would also like to point out that I don't own any other media or content that may be mentioned as further enrichment to the story.
Without further ado. *Que the dimming of the lights*
Chapter 2: Fires Extinguished and Prevented
I.M.P. Headquarters
The elevator dinged as it opened on the sixth floor, revealing the greatly disheveled cast of I.M.P.
"Ugh! I hate traffic!" Moxxie groaned, dragging his feet out of the elevator, his stomach queasy from the tumbling he'd taken inside the van. Millie followed next to him, gently rubbing circles in his back.
"What he said," Eddie stated, looking a little greener in his scales as he trailed behind them, despite being the only one among them to wear a seatbelt. It might as well have been a noose for all the good it had done; a noose might have actually been more helpful. He was now dressed in red shirt with a white outlined devil-head in the center of the torso with a pair of khaki shorts, his usual blue cap settled on backwards.
"Oh come on, it wasn't that bad," Blitz stated as he twirled his keys around his finger.
"Blitz, it kinda was," Millie countered.
Loona walked behind him, her eyes wide and her movements stiff as she skirted the wall carefully. For once, she wasn't staring at her phone. "Oh yeah. We were only driven off the road three times and nearly ate shit into a building! Not "bad" my ass!"
"Ah, typical Tuesday then," Blitz stated smug smirk, pulling up the key to his business. He quickly unlocked the door, humming casually as he stepped into their office. "WHAT THE–?! What in the ass is going on?!"
Doing their best to get over Blitz's shriek, to their shock and surprise, the lights were already on inside I.M.P.
"God fuck! You're loud!" Eddie commented, rubbing where his ears would be.
"No! No! No! No! Nooo!" Blitz fretted as he zipped around, checking to make sure nothing was out of place. He quickly turned to his employees (and the company child). "Check everything! Clearly whoever was here–!"
"Grabbed us drinks," Loona stated simply as she approached her desk, immediately grabbing a cup from a cup-carrier with her name on it, among others, each with their names written on them.
"Say what?!" Blitz demanded in confusion. "Who would do that?"
"Take a guess, sir," Moxxie stated.
"Hm?" Loona sniffed at the beverage suspiciously before shrugging. She took a quick sip before smacking her lips, humming in approval. "Whiskey in coffee? Not bad, Snow. Not bad."
"SNOW?! Does he know how expensive the electric bill is?! You can't just leave the fucking lights on!" Blitz yelled.
Everyone but Blitz shrugged nonchalantly, grabbing their cups and downing their drinks.
Millie pursed her lips in thought. "Now why'd he get me tea? Not complaining about chamomile, just… a little confused."
"Maybe he thinks you're too wired," Blitz offered with a smug smirk, earning a glare from the she-Imp (Impess? Impress?) and Moxxie both.
"A Lemon-Lime Jizz?! C'mon! An Abyssal Dark at least!" Eddie grumbled as he begrudgingly opened the soda can with a click and hiss.
"You don't need any caffeine. It'll stunt yur growth," Millie stated sternly. "What are ya gonna do if you end up short for the rest of eternity?"
Eddie just rolled his eyes, the skin of his face flexing partially open as he scrunched his face in mockery as he began taking short sips of his carbonated drink. He wiggled his nose as he quietly moved to sit on the couch. "Can't be any shorter than a couple of Wrath-born imps."
"Huh, not the worst thing ever," Moxxie grumbled, as he took a sip from his cup. "Alkaline pH balanced water, with sugarless citrus flavoring. Complete with assorted electrolytes." There was even a little note on the side that said, "Stay hydrated", with a little winky face that caused Moxxie to smile with a small pink blush before looked around to make sure no one had noticed.
"Ugh! Boring," Blitz groaned, before looking at the cup with his name on it. Curiosity got the better of him and he picked it up. He sniffed at it suspiciously before his eyes widening comically with little stars. "Oh you dirty slut. I know an iced Rainbow Unicorn Mocha anywhere!"
He popped open the top and the head-imp suddenly had a full smile on his face. "With! Extra! Whip CREEEAM! Nevermind! All is forgiven." Without further prompting, he smacked the lid back on and began to chug it as he moved to his office. He only stopped for a short moment to admire the large aquarium of eels next to his door, tapping the glass a couple times happily before returning on his way.
"Where is Snow anyway?" Millie prompted, drinking her tea, and nodding acceptingly as the flavor settled in.
"I think the more appropriate question is, "How did he get in?" The door was locked," Moxxie prompted.
Eddie just looked back and forth warily as he sipped on his soda. That guy always smiled at him for some reason, like he had no ulterior motives. Pft! As if!
Plus, he was always there, watching him whenever he tried to get into stuff. Like… creepily on point. It was disturbing.
Loona's nose wiggled as she sipped on her spiked coffee, prepared to go about her usual routine on her phone before she winced at how sore her arms and legs were, not at all helped by Blitz's driving to work. Even holding her phone caused her forearm to twinge from the mild grip.
It had barely been over a week since Snow joined, and when he said he would train her, he wasn't kidding. They rotated between training days and rest days, one-for-one. God! He was just so boring as a magic teacher! He insisted on the most basic of the basics, and for the life of her, she had the hardest time pinning it down, even though she was trying. Honestly, she was trying, but it was like trying to learn anything beyond basic real-Hell skills in school.
Like Algebra! Fuck that!
Just show her how to make a cool explosion any day.
Combat training was simpler. And yet it wasn't. He didn't let up on her there either, though, admittedly, it was a bit more… hands on. And she didn't mind it one bit, save for the constant blows to her pride. It didn't help that he fought dirty. She thought she had some street-fighting under her belt, but whoever taught him was ruthless and it had clearly been instilled in her instructor to win by any means, necessary or otherwise.
Whatever shy guy he was when she smirked or teased him disappeared when training her. He was immovable, indominable, relentless, and patient as all get out. He didn't care how many times he put her on her ass, he told her to get back up.
She just wished he taught magic as well as he taught hand-to-hand combat.
Ehem!
Loona's ears perked to see Millie giving her a smug smile. "What's got you so smiley and chipper this morning?"
Loona turned back, noticing her tail was wagging gently, her eyes widening in realization. "N-Nothing," she shot out, trying to return to her phone in peace. But a glance back at Millie said she wasn't buying it. Not for a second.
"Okay then," Millie stated, leaving it be, but clearly unconvinced.
'Damn old lady,' Loona sniveled.
"~Sing me a symphony, one for the lost and in between.
"~A city of fallen dreams. A city of angels~"
Loona's ears shot up in surprise, turning this way and that as she searched for the source of the song. She wasn't the only one either, as the present cast of I.M.P. began trying to find the direction it was coming from.
"~There was a girl with a sky full of stars in her eyes.
"~She was chasing a world that was so fast it left her behind.
"~She ran for days, but the days became years,
"~Hope went away as her smile turned to tears,
"~But now there's lines on the face of the girl with the stars in her eyes~"
"Could use some work," Moxxie critiqued, ever the music enthusiast. "It's on-tune, but off bass and beat." Despite his words, he nodded in appreciation. "But, it has heart. And passion. And the melody is soothing. It's no orchestra, but it has its points."
"And it's comin' from the bathroom," Millie pointed out, raising an eyebrow in confusion at the door to said room.
"He sounds like a coyote in a trash compactor," Eddie stated firmly, but grinned at his own clever insult. 'Suck it albino!'
Unlike these fuckers, Loona's eye twitched. Her ears were more sensitive than theirs, and while it wasn't wholly unpleasant to hear Snow sing, it still ground her nerves to a bloody pulp. It might have been as close to angelic as Hell knew, but God if he didn't also sound like some teen popstar whose balls had barely dropped.
"~Sing me a symphony, one for the lost and in between.
"~A city of fallen dreams. A city of angels
"~Sing back the melody, a song for the hearts left in the streets
"~A voice for the out of reach. The city of angels~"
At some of the higher notes of his singing, Loona winced and growled. "Urgh! That's! It!"
"Oh look, breakfast and a show," Eddie stated pleasantly, smirking as his clawed pinky sophisticatedly stuck out from his soda can.
"Oh crumbs," Moxxie muttered as Loona shot up and marched toward the bathroom door.
"~There was a boy with the world in the palm of his hand
"~Bright like a star, but he burned every–~"
SLAM!
The door swung open from Loona kicking it in, cracking the wood and wall it smashed into as her irritation grew too potent to even think about handling.
"SHUT THE FUCK–!"
She froze, her fur bristling from anger to surprise as she noticed how thick the air was, condensation built up along the mirror. The sound of flowing water was present, the pipes of the building hissing as they transferred it.
And of course, there was the textured glass distorting the inside of the walk-in shower Blitz had installed in case one of their victims decided to bleed like a geyser. Or he and the bird-dick decided to get freaky, and he needed a place to clean off. She wasn't sure how that particular arrangement worked out, and she had the presence of mind never to ask.
That didn't matter right now though, considering she could see the nude but blurred form of Snow behind the closed shower door, leaving next to nothing to the imagination. He was pale enough that every move he made was accentuated behind the glass, though she noticed periodic flashes of streaked red that must have been his natural markings. He seemed almost taller than she knew him to be, well-built but lithe and sleek, his legs shaped strangely, with even stranger appendages flowing freely from behind him, and a pair of strange spikes atop his head that must have been horns of some sort if he hadn't already said that he didn't have horns.
She couldn't see clearly enough between the steam and the door, but that didn't stop an embarrassed blush from lighting across her face as she realized she'd walked in on him. Nor from flinching from the five glowing blue eyes inside as they turned to her from behind the glass, the distorting hazing it into a haunting, ghost-like visage. Almost as quickly as she had processed all of that, she watched as he shrunk down in the shower, all appendages disappearing back into his flesh as the disguise retook its shape around him and five eyes lessened to two.
The door creeped open, and a silver-headed demon in the likeness of a human peaked cheerily back out with equal parts annoyance and teasing. "Hey Loona! Can I help you?" Way too cheery for that early in the morning.
"I– Eh– Bu–" She struggled to formulate a proper sentence while her face heated. "Why are you in the shower?!" She was unsure if that was the question she wanted to ask or not.
"Um… my current crash pad doesn't have one and I don't want to smell like I went half a round with a sewer gator while I work," he stated in honest confusion. "Why? Did you want to take one?"
"What?! No, I–"
"I can save you some hot water if you like," he offered, before his grin turned a little more playful. "Or you could just join me. I hear that really saves water."
A puff of steam erupted from Loona's face as it turned a brighter red, fogging up the bathroom a little more. "Like Hell, boyband reject!" she shot out. She was really starting to hate that grin.
"What? Afraid I'll enjoy washing your back? Running my fingers through your fur?" His pupils narrowed slightly, the shower door opening a fraction more, revealing more of his neck and shoulders. "Or are you afraid that you'll like it?"
"J-Just keep the volume down," she sputtered, doing her best not to give him the satisfaction of basking in her embarrassment.
His smile dropped for a second as he processed her demand. "Right. Hellhounds have sensitive ears." He winced apologetically to her before mouthing a "sorry" her way.
She nodded stiffly, glad he understood. If there was one thing she could appreciate about the newbie, he wasn't annoying all the time. Just some of the time. He was at least moderately respectful of boundaries, even if he pushed them sometimes. Plus, he caught on quicker than the other losers, so, there was that.
"But while you're here, could you toss me a towel?" he asked, before his head bobbed so-so. "Or at least close the door. I'm about done."
"Any preference which side of the door I'm on?" she asked, finally getting back the traction she'd lost against him.
Snow smirked, wiggling his eyebrows once, even though she could clearly see the blush dusting his cheeks. "Loona, please. There are demons present. No need to give them the wrong idea."
"And what idea is that?" she demanded, crossing her arms and leaning against the door jam.
He just shrugged, opening the door further, revealing his lower torso, abdomen, and part of one leg. Just a little more, and he'd be properly nude to her. "That you just want me for my body," he exclaimed softly, faking disbelief. "At least pretend you like me for my charm and personality too."
"Ugh! What charm?" she groaned. "If that's how you're gonna be, hurry up! Blitz is gonna be pissed about the water bill as is." She closed the door behind her on her way out, heading to the couch.
"Thank you, Loona," came a muffled, sing-song reply.
"Damn it," Eddie huffed, wishing that albino bastard had at least gotten smacked.
"And I would've bet on her joining 'im," Millie pouted.
Loona raised an eyebrow at her. "You know I can hear you, right?"
"Probably for the best," Moxxie reassured, patting his wife on the head. "It would have been less passion, and more smashin' anyway."
"Ooh! Lovin' that little rhyme you just did," Millie purred, twirling a finger around his bowtie. "Maybe we should… take the shower next for more… passion."
"Mm. Front and center ma'am," Moxxie purred back, for whatever passed as seductive in Hell those days.
"Ew! Gross!" Eddie sniveled. "You guys have been super lovey-dovey recently."
"Hate to say it, but I agree with the lizard," Loona deadpanned back even as she kicked him off the couch, pausing for a second. "On both accounts."
"Hey! Bitch, I'm not a lizard!" Eddie protested from the ground, accidentally stabbing his claws into his soda can as his fist clenched, some of the liquid dripping out onto the floor. "Fucking damnit!"
She groaned as she laid down, an attempt to bring her feet to the couch arm causing pain to shoot up her legs. 'Right. Still sore.' Sucking in a sharp breath, she grabbed her phone, sighing as she finally got settled.
Knock knock knock!
Hellhound, Sinner, and a couple of Imps perked up, immediately homing in on the front door.
"Now who could it be this early?" Moxxie asked aloud, walking gingerly up to the door. As soon as he was in front of it, he quickly cleared his throat and straightened his bowtie, making sure he was at least more respectable before presenting himself.
With no further hitch, he opened the door.
He had to look up to meet the eyes of the knocker in question. A demoness standing near a full head taller than Moxxie deadpanned back at him with yellow eyes surrounded by red. She had a violet tint to her skin, with a pointed tail reminiscent of an imp, but with goat-like horns curving from her forehead, messy white hair, elvish-like ears, and solid hooves the color of lavender. She sported a dark pink sweater covered in stitch marks and black skirt that was torn around the fringe, with red diamond-shaped earrings, pink full-rim glasses, and an upside-down red teardrop-shaped jewel hung around her neck.
Clearly a Sinner.
"Can I help you?" Moxxie asked, cocking his head slightly.
"Is this I.M.P.?" she demanded flatly, her hip resting to one side and one arm crossed under her breasts while the other held a lit cigarette.
Moxxie immediately perked up. "Yes this is! Come in! Come in! How can we help you today?"
The demoness walked in, glaring around at the others in the room before she turned that glare on Moxxie once more. "Who do I speak with to have someone killed?"
"Oh, uh, that would be our boss," Moxxie informed.
It was a moment or two of silence before her eyes narrowed. "And?"
"R-Right," Moxxie swallowed nervously, before turning around. "Hey Loona, could you let Blitz know that we have a client?"
"I don't know, can I?" she asked indifferently as she barely spared the newcomer a passing glance, much too comfortable now that she had settled on the couch. "Ugh, fuck it. BLITZ! We got a client!"
Those unused to Loona's sudden outbursts froze, quickly turning to anger as the potential client's hair flared and a soft hissing was heard from her.
"I meant by phone," Moxxie explained simply as he rubbed his head, "to avoid shouting. Or at least knock on his door, and let him know."
"My legs are still killing me. And next time, clarify that butterball!" Loona shot back without really caring, once more immersed back in her phone.
"Not like you'd listen anyway."
"Now you're getting it."
"Goddamnit! Can't I get a few moments of privacy?!" Blitz stepped out within seconds with a huff. His head turned slightly as he faced the bathroom. "And who the FUCK is in the shower?!"
"The albino is," Eddie tattled, still wiping sticky soda from his claws. The little Sinner took a moment to look over the new Sinner. "So what you down here for?"
The demoness turned to face him, only to blink in surprise as she noticed him fully. "Aren't you just a child?"
"Aren't you just a walking office lady fetish for small-dicked lard-guts that are on a first name basis with their hand?" Eddie shot back, earning another flare of hair and rattling.
"Eddie! That's no way to treat a client!" Millie chastised.
"Goddamn it all," Blitz muttered under his breath before turning to his employees. "I'll deal with Pixie-Stick as soon as we're done here. You all, do something productive. I don't care what it is, just do it." He turned to the client. "You, Simp-Fodder, follow me."
Grumbling under his breath, Blitz marched back into his office, the client snarling as she glared at Blitz's back. She eventually did follow, but not before sending Eddie a stink-eye once more. As soon as the door closed, it grew rather silent.
"Whatever," Loona stated indifferently, immediately going back to her phone.
There was a brief pause as the cast of I.M.P. stewed in silence.
"Sooo… what now?" Moxxie asked.
"How 'bout some target practice," Millie offered, rubbing his cheek affectionately. "It's not much, but it's somethin' ta do, and Blitz said to be productive."
"Okay," Moxxie agreed, already reaching into the folds of his coat before he pulled out a crossbow, already priming a bolt to fire. Firing guns indoors was a big no-no after all. And Moxxie didn't want their checks getting used to repair the walls. Again. "What we shootin' honey?"
"That's my man," she whispered approvingly, gently rubbing his cheek. "Let's start with something simple." She pulled out a handful of polaroid's, her tongue sticking out as she tried to decide which one to start with. "How 'bout this one?"
"A creepy clown?" Eddie asked. "Well, creepy-er clown."
"It's a start," Millie assured, all but skipping over to Loona. "Here Loona, could you hold this up?"
"Do I have to stand up?" she asked, not turning away from her phone.
"Nope."
She groaned, holding out a free hand. "Fine. Give it here."
Blitz's Office
"All right now, from the top," Blitz stated as he sat down at his desk, pinching the bridge of his eyes. "Who do you want us to kill? Any particulars on how you want them killed? And do you happen to want a trophy brought back?"
The Sinner merely approached the window, looking down into Imp City with narrowed eyes. She took a long draught of her cigarette before releasing a stream of smoke. "I was a good person before it all went down you know. I was good my entire life."
"Oh God damn it," Blitz gritted as he realized he didn't have enough of his iced mocha left to deal with this shit. Like most Sinner clients, they tended to spill their guts about the how's and particulars of their deaths. They couldn't just make it simple. Like the "Name", "City", or "Country" of the fucker they wanted dead. The "Address" too, if they were exceptionally helpful. The nitty-gritty of their vengeance.
Condensed. Simple. Straight to the fucking point.
But nooo! They had to overshare like this was some sort of soap opera drama where no one could keep their pants up without developing instant and crippling blue balls! This was Hell! People weren't supposed to care about the 'how's' and 'why's'. Only that it got done.
And yet….
Mayberry Flashback
It was a beautiful day at Puppies Junior School. The only clouds in the sky soft and wispy.
Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!
The school bell atop it's roof rang sweet and clear, and one Madelyn Mayberry opened the curtains to let the sunshine in, bird's tweeting their morning song in greeting.
With just as much flourish, she began writing "Good Morning!" on the chalk board. She was much different from the demon she had become. Sandy blonde hair was held in place by an olive scarf, bright green eyes were left twinkling by an angelic smile. She wore a cream-white sweater decorated with little cherries, the collar of a white dress shirt folded over the neck hem, a long dark blue skirt that fell to her ankles, with black leggings and flats. She wore red earrings and a light green broch around her neck, accentuating her eyes just that much more.
"Good ~morning~," Mayberry greeted with sing-song joy, twirling with the grace of a ballerina to face her students. "I hope you all did your homework."
She and her student's bobbed to their catchy morning routine song, even as her favorite troublemaker threw on his dunce cap, spinning into the corner atop his stool.
"~We love to do our homework, and we love our teacher too~"
"And when I throw out these fun questions, you should know just what to do."
"~Okay!~"
"Two plus six is?"
"~Eight!~"
"And good behavior's?"
"~Great!~"
"And it's now the part of the class where we say the time of day and date!"
"~It's nine in the morning!
"~On January 8th!
"~The sun's out smiling!
"~And it's your husband's birthday!~"
The children continued to sing on, unaware of the effect those words had taken. Mrs. Mayberry went slack as she processed what was said, the stick of chalk in her hand dragging across the white board in response.
The teacher's pupils shrunk, sweat formed on her cheeks and brow, biting at her lip nervously, her eye twitching as her hand shook.
She swung around, panic written on her face. "Oh my stars! Stop singing children. Hush up now!" Instantly their song went silent.
Mayberry leaned against her desk, her hand holding her forehead in disbelief. "I forgot it's my husband's birthday! I didn't get him anything special."
Her confession left her desperate, her eyes wide as though she might cry.
"Maybe if we call him, we can do a Happy Birthday Surprise!" one student offered.
"Oh, what a wonderous idea!" she exclaimed, her mood returning to its sunshine disposition. It was such a sweet and innocent thought. "Would you all like to help me?"
"YEAH!" was the collective consent.
Dancing around her desk with renewed energy, she sat down in her chair and started making the video call as the children rushed up front excitedly. It took only a few moments before the computer started ringing, and she quickly made sure the camera was lined up properly. It was perfect.
Her students all gathered around, prepared to spring well-wishes, glad tidings, and of course, the Happy Birthday song!
The moment it went through however…
"…right there! Oh yeah!"
"Agh! That's actually my asshole."
Mrs. Mayberry's eyes widened, her face getting closer to the screen to make sure she was seeing what she thought she was seeing. Hearing what she thought she was hearing.
"Butl I don't care. Yee-ee! Woah! Not there! Not there! Not there!"
"Yeees! Put it in!"
The bedsprings were squeaking. From the bed she slept in. With her husband. And right now, he was busy pounding into a blonde woman, not even aware that his indiscretion had an audience as he continued to thrust. And thrust.
And thrust.
"Okay. Okay, yeah."
And Madelyn could only watch as her brain finally finished processing what was happening.
Her husband was sleeping with another woman. Not just sleeping, but having sex with her. Vigorous sex that continued to echo and squeak in her ears. In their bed. Her husband, with another woman, in their bed!
Madelyn Mayberry stood up abruptly, walking toward the front door of the building as though she were just going to go for a stroll. Were it not for the shadows cast across her eyes, the stiff set of her jaw, and the thin purse to her lips, that's all she may have been doing.
"Wait! Misses Mayberry!" one of her little girls called out, grabbing hold of her hand. "Remember what you taught us? Think before you act."
Not more than second passed before said child's face was puffed red as Mayberry's hand wrapped around her throat. And in sequence, proceeded to Yeet! said child through the ceiling before continuing on her way, slamming the door behind her.
She was silent as walked briskly across the parking lot, almost running on instinct as she got into her car. She backed out of her parking space gently enough. But once she was pointed in the general direction of her home – of their home – she slammed on the gas.
SCREEEEEECH!
Her tires burned out against the parking lot asphalt before grabbing traction and sending her crashing through the fence that surrounded the school as she cut through grass and surrounding trees.
The bumping of the uneven ground didn't seem to phase her as the suspension of her car kept smacking the bottom of the vehicle roughly into the dirt and sod. It wasn't even that far, testament by crashing through their own picket fence, and slamming on the brakes. Deep ruts carved into their lawn as she swung the wheel, gouging the turf further as she nonchalantly stepped out of the car in their front lawn and continued to walk up the front steps.
BAM!
Without missing a stride, she kicked in the door, already moving over to the living room mantle, pulling down the shotgun that sat there in case of emergencies or home invasions. Ironically, that was exactly what she intended to use it for at the moment. There was no need to check if it was loaded or not. And given that no one came to see what all the commotion was about, meant that they were too occupied.
The shadows along her face deepened at that. Not to mention, the house was filled with the sounds of what could only be animals rutting and the ungodly squeaking of the bedsprings.
BAM!
Walking briskly, she kicked down their bedroom door, entering on a sight she'd expected to find.
Her husband was humping dick-first into the ass of none other than Martha… no need to remember the bitch's last name… from Sunday Mass. She had a husband and family of her own, the fucking harlot! It hadn't been that long since she'd left the school, but both of them were practically cross-eyed, making the most wretched noises.
"Okay! Oh yeah–! Oh shit! Sweetie, what're you doing here?!" her husband exclaimed, at least coherent enough to notice that their bedroom door had been kicked down.
'Sweetie? SWEETIE?!' He dared to call her that, even after she walked in on him fucking this trollop! In their bed. While he was fucking her!
"Shut up, Gerald!" she snapped, something between betrayal and wrath written on her face, bringing up the shotgun with the practice of a God-fearing American.
Martha began to scream as she finally stared down the barrel of the gun as her sex high began to come down.
For some reason, that sound brought cruel smile to Madelyn's face as she clicked the safety off. "You scream like a bitch!"
BANG!
She didn't hesitate to aim and shoot that bitch in the head, snarling pleasantly as she watched her face snap back. There wasn't nearly enough blood in her opinion.
"Oh God! What have you done! She had a family!" Gerald had the audacity to mention a family! After repeatedly telling her that he wasn't ready to start one! With her! HIS! WIFE! And here he was, pulling his half-flaccid, shit-dicked cock out of this bitch's ass!
AND HE WASN'T EVEN WEARING A CONDOM?! That bastard always insisted on wearing a condom when he fucked her. But no! Not when he was adulterating with some other whore!
Mayberry's lip trembled as she brought the gun back up, stepping closer to ensure her aim as she pointed the barrel straight in his God-damned face. And to think, she'd once been so impassioned. In a way, she still was; but the coin had flipped from love to hate. "We could have had a family!"
"Waitwaitwait, nonono–!"
BANG!
She didn't hesitate to pop that bastard in the eye and blow his fucking brains out. She wasn't sure what she had felt as she pulled to trigger, watching as his head exploded everywhere. Anger? Wrath? Rage? Sorrow? Betrayal? Hurt? Some chimeric amalgamation of all of thee aforementioned.
She had given him everything she knew how to give, but it wasn't enough. She wasn't enough. And he'd let her know in the absolute worst way possible.
Tears threatened to spill from her eyes now that it was over.
She didn't get to enjoy that sweet emotional release though as she noticed a soft light coming from the computer monitor in her room. Her tears turned to confusion, and then to horror. She practically tripped over her own feet as she rushed over to it.
The camera was still blinking.
That meant her students – her children – had seen everything. She wiped away the blood that had appeared on the computer monitor and the camera, horrified by the gathering of small faces still watching in trembling terror.
"Oh dear God, what have I done? In front of you all."
They'd seen everything. So young and precious, yet they had seen their beloved Misses Mayberry so violent and Hellbent. She'd even harmed one of those children she treasured so much, so numbed by hurt and rage she hadn't paid any mind to anything or anyone other than her bastard of a husband.
It sank in just how far she had fallen in so little time, and when she couldn't swim that torrent, it crept up, and pulled her under. What future did she have, now that she had killed two people, and harmed one of her students? Her marriage was ruined, her reputation would follow shortly, and most importantly, her students would never look at her the same way again.
"I'm so sorry my children!" she cried, chest-crushing guilt imploding on itself. The extremes of wrath and despair and shame eating her alive. Unable to face it, the sight of her weapon greeted her, and she cried a little harder. For such a large, seemingly world-ending problem, alleviating it was such a simple matter. Just a twitch of her finger away.
"Don't forget to work on your times tables!" she sobbed.
BANG!
Then she bit the bullet.
…
When next she opened her eyes, she was in surrounded by a sky of red, the air filled with the cries and shrieks of the damned.
End of Flashback
"You do everything right in life, play by all the rules, and still get sent down here with all the Hitler's and Epstein's of the world," she fumed, pacing back and forth in Blitz's office, waving around her cigarette like she was contaminating any good left in the room, "after one measly massacre propelled by blind rage.
"So that's why I'm here. To get my revenge."
She finally turned back to see his reaction, only to narrow her eyes angrily. Blitz had set up the office supplies of his desk like a little city, strolling finger-sized horses playfully through his cheap-ass desk's wood-pressed streets.
Blitz finally noticed that she'd stopped talking, looking up to see she was hair-writhing pissed. "Oh? You done now?" He gently put away his horse figurines, his eyes sparkling briefly at them before he was back to business.
"Were you even listening?" she demanded, hissing as she clenched her cigarette between her fingers.
"Bitch, I literally cannot unhear anything you just said, short of running my van grill-first into a building without a seatbelt and praying for amnesia or death. And even then, I'm not confident I'd forget," he stated dismissively, putting his feet up on his desk and leaning back in his chair. "Although… was she hotter? Just saying, I had a hard time understanding the unprompted melodrama you just spat at me, Tits."
She growled, rattling and hissing rising from her as she practically smothered her cigarette in her hand.
"Anyway," he continued with an eyeroll, "I don't think you understand quite how we're operating down here." He stood up, walking in front of his desk. "You see, we take revenge out on the living. And it sounds like the core cast of your sitcom of a death, frankly, are all probably down here in Hell with you."
Boop!
He briskly poked her nose.
Mayberry swiped his hand away, looking more or less murderous. Maybe more. "Not all of them. That whore survived."
Blitz blinked in confusion. "Say what now?"
"Now they all call her a "hero"," Mayberry rasped out a snarl.
"What fucking weapon did you use to kill – or I guess, attempt to kill – her?" Blitz asked. Seriously?
"Shotgun."
"How far away were you from her? Did it have a choke? (Kinky) Maybe it was built in? Did you aim for anything specific, or just the head (double-kinky)?" Blitz demanded.
"Across a room, and… no? I was just aiming for the head," Mayberry answered, for the first time showing an emotion other than "pissed bitch". Confusion.
Sighing, Blitz smacked his horns back on his desk. "Yep. That would do it." He swung back up, glaring at her. "Look, if you're gonna kill someone, do it right."
She froze and stiffened at the audacity of him.
"First off," he continued in something between teaching and condescending, "shotguns are great for close range, sting at medium range, and suck ass at long range. Chokes (kinky) narrow the spread of your buckshot! Or better yet, use slugs! When aiming a shotgun, you have to account for recoil. At best, you just took your metal shlong and gave her a forehead-full of lead jizz! Nothing surgery won't fix."
She huffed as her rage returned. "And between the talk-shows and donation bullshit, she made so much God-damned cash, getting shot was the best thing to happen to her. She could more than afford it.
"But a "hero"? A God-fucking-damn "hero"?" she seethed, her eyes glowing a violent red, veins popping along her face.
The Living World – Hospital
A woman laid in a hospital bed, nearly her entire face covered in bandages, and surrounded by flowers and well-wishes. Her children stood by the foot of her bed, and her husband by her side. Reporters lined up against the opposite wall, microphones and cameras trained on the family.
"Tell us Martha, how does it feel to have survived such a crazy bitch?" one reporter asked tasteless and tactlessly.
"I just hope that sick woman finally found peace." Whether or not the sentiment was genuine, no one truly cared.
"You are so brave. Here's two million dollars!" the reporter stated, slowly passing them one of those weird dick-measuring giant checks the size of a billboard.
"Ohhh! Thank you!" she exclaimed giddily, proceeding to pose with it and her husband as photos were taken.
The Living World – Sporadic Locations Over Time
"You're a hero!" a news reporter exclaimed during a national tv covered event, Martha taking center stage on the podium as a guest-speaker.
…
"You're a hero, girl!" a female jogger exclaimed as they both were jogging the city park.
…
"My momma's a hero!" Martha's son stated to a cashier at the grocery store.
"She is a hero!" the cashier agreed.
…
"Uh! Uh! Uh! You're a hero!" Martha's husband, Ralphie, grunted and exclaimed as he busted a nut inside of her.
…
"You're a hero!" a priest stated to Martha during Sunday Mass.
…
"YOU'RE A HERO!" Mrs. Mayberry's former students shouted as she stood up front next to their new teacher.
…
"Oh! Oh! Oh, you're a hero!" a random man stated as he came inside Martha's ass.
Blitz's Office
"That slimy, cheatin', filthy, used up whale-snatch of a whoring bitch, IS NOT A HERO!" Madelyn shouted, leaving cracks in Blitz's desk as she slammed her fists down.
"Mm-hmm! Yeah, oka- yeah, my thoughts exactly!" he nodded along fearfully, rapidly tapping the panic button under his desk.
I.M.P. Headquarters
Among a switch board of potential alerts to go off, among them 'More Coffee', 'Soiled My Pants', 'Horny Client', 'Deranged Client', 'Client Giving Birth', 'Ghost', and 'Stolas'; 'Deranged Client' was blinking red as rapidly as Blitz could push it.
Eddie growled at the flashing light and the headache it was causing him. He grabbed the plug-in that connected to it and ripped it out of the wall socket. He sighed as it finally stopped. Sweet relief.
"Alright! Now for the next one!" Millie stated, pulling up another polaroid as she skipped over to Loona.
"Alright honey! I'm ready!" Moxxie stated, pumped up as he was from repeatedly hitting his targets. Behind Loona and the couch she laid on, the wall was littered with crossbow bolts pinning varies pictures. Including the creepy clown, a pair of goats, an inconsequential imp, and someone's (most likely Blitz's) drawing of a herd of multi-colored ponies.
"What am I shooting?!"
Millie adjusted it in Loona's hand before strolling back over to him. "A human family!"
Moxxie's face instantly crashed. "Wait. WHAT?! A family?! Bu–But–"
"C'mon chub-inski, you had no problem shooting a kid," Loona commented from the couch. "This should be simple."
"Said kid can hear you, bitch!" Eddie hissed from the reception chair, arms crossed as he stuck out all three of his forked tongues at her.
"Go see if you can't breathe out your ass, lizard," Loona stated. "You're mouth already smells like it."
"That's turtles, and go eat a pile of shit, mutt, since that's all that comes out your mouth. If you're gonna insult someone, at least try not to look like a dumbass!" Eddie shot back.
"Go drag your dick over a cactus you ball-less troglodyte," she fired back before smirking. "Oh wait! You don't have a dick. You have a pee-pee." She stopped as she looked away from her phone. "Goddamn it, I sound like I'm throwing playground insults."
"THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I didn't mean to shoot him," Moxxie protested, huffing as his breathing started to pick up unhealthily.
"Sweetie." Millie was right there, grabbing hold of both his hands despite them being on them gripping tightly to the crossbow. "Start simple. Step One?"
Moxxie nodded rapidly, but it was clear he still didn't like this. "Aim at the target." He let out a deep, huffing breath before stabilizing over the reception desk, aiming with the scope. As soon as he laid sights on such a wholesome looking family, his hands began to tremble, leading to a full-blown shake as his little heart began pounding. He had the decency not to put his finger anywhere near the trigger while he shook.
Off to the side, Millie watched with a sigh. "Moxxie, stop shaking. You're gonna shoot our only Hellhound."
"Please do," Eddie grumbled.
"Wow. I feel so loved here," Loona stated with disinterest, staring at her phone while she held up the photo. God, could they hurry this up?! Her arm was still already sore, and now it was starting to burn from keeping it up.
"Just take a deep breath." Millie inhaled to demonstrate. "And let it out."
"But… it's a family. Under what circumstances would we ever need to kill a human family?" Moxxie protested, resting the crossbow on his shoulder.
"I mean, if that's what the client wants," Millie shrugged.
"Maybe like a shitty dad. Or a mob family." Moxxie converted over into his best Italian impression as he pinched his fingers together. "That's understandable. But to eradicate an innocent – seemingly innocent, in this instance – upper middle class family bloodline?!"
Loona sat up, looking at the photo briefly before looking back at Moxxie. "Hey! You don't know their innocent! This kid probably sets dogs on fire! Maybe this girl gets off to bullying Australian kids online! And this guy… this guy definitely watches."
"You mean when he's not so busy luring kids into his van with free Wi-Fi, as well as a pervert trying to get pics under women's skirts at the modest company he works for?" Eddie asked.
"Noice!" Loona called out with a smirk before turning back to Moxxie. "Ya see?! Even the shit-head gets it."
"She's right Mox." Everyone turned to see Snow coming out of the bathroom, dressed in nothing but a towel around his waist. His wet hair was disheveled from drying it, though still shined with damp, and water droplets trailed his bare chest and scared back.
"Da-amn son!" Millie smirked as she looked him over. "Look at you. You must have girls bendin' over in the street."
"Millie!"
"What?! It's a compliment!"
"He looks like modern art got lazy and took a vacation," Eddie stated in disinterest.
Snow walked up to Loona, barely noticing that she was flush as she looked anywhere but at him and the massive eyeful he was giving her. Without further pause, he pointed at the mom in the photo. "And this lady has been cheating on her husband for over fourteen years with the mailman and their neighbor, Todd Chad-"dick"-ski, not to mention half the other husbands in their cul-de-sac. And the baby?! Momma doesn't even know who the father is, but that child will grow up to be just another psychopath that gets a dope-ass nickname and a Netflix documentary. Though I'm not sure which is worse: that, or literal Hell."
"You were supposed to be out of the shower ten minutes ago," Loona snipped, regaining some semblance of composure.
"After washing comes a ten-minute period of mind-numbing soak in a hot waterfall, where I get to think about absolutely nothing at all," Snow replied. "It was so peaceful."
"Anyway, the point is Mox, humans are full of secret nasties," Millie continued. "It's why so many of them end up here."
"Bu–"
"Guilty and innocent aren't our business, babe," Millie stated, giving him a stern look as she squished his cheeks. "Killin' who we're paid to is our business." She kissed him softly but reassuringly. "Now shoot the target." She ended that note with another kiss to his cheek and a smile.
Moxxie set back up. "I just think it's just a bit excessive, and we could be a bit more selective is all."
"I think I can help," Snow stated as he walked over to Moxxie, crouching down to Wrath-imp eyelevel made somewhat awkward in a towel. "Moxxie, look at your wife."
Moxxie listened, turning to look at Millie. Whatever worries or reservations he had slowly melted away, his eyes relaxing as a soft smile settled on his face. And she smiled back, completing some invisible circuit that made him whole.
"Now, look back at the photo."
Moxxie listened, all his worries about starting and raising a family with Millie suddenly forefront in his mind. What if there was someone out there down the line that didn't like the look of their family, and decided a few less imps in Hell was just fine with them?!
"Do you see what I see, Moxxie?" Snow asked.
"Probably not, no," he admitted glumly.
"Assassination is a dangerous business Mox, for anyone involved. That human family isn't as skilled as we are. We have the advantage. But all it takes is one lucky hit on their end to bring the rest of your world crumbling down. What happens to Millie if they get to you? What happens to you if they get to Millie?" Snow let him ponder for a moment before frowning at the photo.
"It's not easy. I bet that wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good deal of what Millie loves about you. That ability to be willing vulnerable is something that sets you apart from most demons. It grants you humility, the ability to be truly intimate in your relationships, and the closest thing to humanity that demons can understand. And it lets you sympathize with others in a way that few could begin to understand, especially when you start to put yourself in their shoes.
"But in that moment of sympathy, you have to decide if you're willing to risk what you have. If losing your family is something you want to gamble because you see yourself in them, or you're afraid of hurting them. It doesn't just apply with our targets, but here in Hell as well. If someone comes after your family, what will you do that sets you apart from our targets? Will you sympathize with your assassin, or fucking gut him for going after you, your wife, and any future little implings you might have?"
He watched Moxxie for a moment before nodding. Moxxie's face had slowly morphed from worry, into a kind of steel-cold calculating and pinpointed rage that was better suited to an imp of his talents with firearms. It was a start. Nothing quite compared to the real thing, but for now, his work was done. "Now you heard your future baby's momma. Shoot the target. Loona, drop your head back down."
"Ugh!" she answered, laying back down on the couch, but keeping the target up. "Only time I'm letting you get away with saying that!" Snow just smirked in response.
Moxxie didn't say a word, merely listened with rapt attention, setting his shot back up with a keen focus that sent chills up Millie's spine… in a good way. In a very good way. She was pretty sure borrowing the shower later wasn't just in order, it was necessary. A very cold shower. For both of them. In the shower. Together. For… reasons.
One deep breath.
Half an exha–
BAM!
"Guys, I want you to meet–!"
Twang!
In a knee jerk reaction, Moxxie squeezed the trigger, jolted by the sudden sound of Blitz slamming open his office door. The bolt missed his target completely, and then proceeded to ricochet across the room. Eddie dived under the reception desk as it zipped by, Millie jumping into Moxxie's arms as it hit the office computer. It then proceeded to rip a hole in the photo, missing Loona's fingers by mere centimeters. It then hit the bottom of the office eel tank, causing it to wobble dangerously.
Snow's eyes narrowed, and in a flash, snagged the bolt out of the air… and but a few centimeters from hitting Mrs. Mayberry in the eye. "Woah now! That was close!"
The sudden appearance of a bare-chested demon-human dressed in only a towel in front of her caused Madelyn Mayberry's face to light up. Never mind the bolt, Hell was looking just a little more like Heaven at the moment.
"…Our newest client," Blitz trailed off, just as surprised by the hunk of pale flesh before of him. Blitz almost couldn't restrain himself from giving him a once over. Twice. Okay, maybe three times.
"Hey! No smoking!" Snow snagged the cigarette out of Mayberry's hand, tossing it roughly into the eel tank with a hiss. "Do you know how hard it is to wash the smell of cigarettes out of the walls? Let me tell you. Not. Pleasant."
Blitz began fuming and foaming. "Do you not understand how expensive utilities are, Powder-Puff?! You can't just take a shower or leave the lights on whenever you want?!
"And what the fuck is that?!" Blitz added, gesturing to the simple towel that was separating Snow from nudity.
"I adjusted the power and water meters, so the bill goes to the other tenants in the building," he dismissed. "And this, is a towel."
Blitz looked briefly stunned. "Wait, shit! You can do that? No more bills?!" His eyes were practically sparkling with dollar signs.
"No, I halved it so it wouldn't look suspicious that we're not using any power or water," Snow corrected. "So more like… twice as many showers."
"Eh, that's something I suppose," Blitz admitted, putting a disappointed fist on his hip.
Neither were really paying attention to Madelyn Mayberry as she continued to get an eyeful of Snow's bare chest, blatantly unable to comprehend the bolt still hanging by his hand that had been half-a-blink away from braining her. But Loona was paying attention. She was paying a lot of attention as her fingers unconsciously crumpled the disfigured photo.
Groan.
One of the legs on the eel tank creaked before it snapped, tipping the whole thing forward.
"Shit!"
Snow disappeared again, this time holding the tank up as a large splash of water teetered over the side, shaking the eels inside as they continued to swim around in startled – but ignorant – bliss. However… this got his towel wet… and made it heavier.
"Oh fuck! Damnit! Someone grab my towel! Please! It's slipping!" He'd reach down himself, but the tank was well over a hundred fifty gallons, and holding it up required both hands and more core than he expected. "And something to prop this thing up!"
"Oh crumbs! Uh… what do we have that's thick enough?!" Moxxie asked desperately, eyes darting around the office.
"I don't know!" Millie said, looking around just as quickly. "Make sure it's sturdy too!"
"Ha! That's what she said!" Eddie provided with a smirk.
"Here, let me help you with that," Blitz offered, biting his lip, fingers wiggling, and eyes narrowed mischievously. Before he could do anything though, a hand shot out and grabbed the front of Snow's towel, holding it in place.
"Ohhh no you don't!"
EEEP!
Snow's eye twitched, his face going beet-red. He looked next to him to see Loona looking at him nonchalantly.
"What?" she asked blandly, not getting what his deal was. She held up his towel for him, like he asked.
"Loona!" he gasped squeakily. "That's my penis!"
"The fuck!" Blitz stomped.
Mayberry blushed, turning away quickly. "Oh my."
"You mean, your dick?" Loona asked.
"That's what I said, my penis," he reaffirmed, doing his best to keep pressure on the tank in light of his slipping focus.
"Why do you call it that?" she asked, confused. "It's so… biology class."
"NO! Nuh-uh! There will be NO biology class with my Loony!" Blitz snapped.
"You actually went to biology class?" Moxxie paused in his desperate search for a brief moment of confusion.
"Because that's what it is," Snow stated, doing his best to keep his pressure on the tank steady. "And ease up, will you? No guy likes getting squeezed while flaccid."
"I can't ease up, or you'll lose your towel," she stated before blinking. "And what do you mean flaccid. Feels about half-mast right now."
"STOP SQUEEZING HIM!"
Snow blinked as he realized she was right, tears welling up unbidden.
THUNK!
His head smacked into the glass aquarium, causing the eels to scatter around nervously. "Please quit feeling me up."
"Dude, relax," Loona winced, her ears lowering slightly in sympathy, but noting that he was only getting harder. And most definitely not relaxing! The fuck?! She wasn't even doing anything! "I-It's just a dick. Quit t-taking it so hard." The heat began to crawl through her fur as she felt him harden even further at her stutter.
"That's what she said!" Eddie called out again, sitting back. Now he only wished he had some popcorn and some Kit-Kat's, 'cause this show was ballin'!
Ahhh! Payback was a bitch!
"Hurry up! He's gotta be sufferin' over there," Millie stated as she and her husband looked for a suitable replacement for the broken stand's leg.
'NOT for the reason you might think,' Snow groaned in his head. He could practically– NOPE! He most definitely could feel his blood rushing downward.
"Loony, I love you, but for FUCK'S SAKE, get your hand away from his crotch!" Blitz ordered angrily.
Loona shook off her embarrassment, deadpanning at her adoptive not-really-her-dad. "His crotch, or the eels, Blitz. 'Cause I can only hold one of those things up, and it isn't that heavy-ass tank."
"Please! Someone! Help!" Snow begged squeakily. If they didn't hurry the fuck up, he was gonna start praying! Out loud! To God! In fucking tongues if he had to!
Because damnit! He didn't have enough blood in his brain to think about anything other than Loona grabbing his… yep! Yeah! Mm-hmm!
"Just let the towel drop!" Blitz demanded.
"And you want me to see his dick?" Loona asked in confusion.
"Close your eyes, then drop it!"
"I don't want you to see my penis!" Snow protested.
"Why? You have an itsy-bitsy spidew that wide's your wittle pee-pee," Blitz asked in a baby voice.
"No! Because you're as big of a pervert as Stolas! The difference, is he never tried to cop a glance or a feel on me!" Snow growled out, his eyes glowing angrily. "And I! Am! Average!"
Blitz gasped as Snow dared to compare him and bird-dick. "You take that back!"
"BLITZ!" Loona snapped.
Blitz actually looked conflicted as he looked back-and-forth between the eels swimming semi-peacefully in their tipping aquarium, and where his precious baby's hand was gripping. More specifically, what she was gripping. "Okay! FINE! Fuck! But this better not happen again! And only because he's clearly not enjoying it!"
'Oh, the only thing I'm not enjoying is how much I'm enjoying it,' Snow retorted mentally, not letting that thought reach his mouth. He could only handle so much embarrassment at once, and he preferred Loona's hands to Blitz's any day of the year, even if it was causing him a myriad of pleasures and discomforts.
"Got it!" Millie shouted, setting a small stack of thick books underneath the broken leg. "Can you lift it up a little higher? We need to balance the weight."
"Mm-hmm," he nodded quickly, lifting the tank a little higher as Moxxie shoved under smaller, but still thick book to help balance out the other legs.
"Okay! Good!" Moxxie stated hurriedly.
With a final huff, Snow slowly let the tank settle back down, keeping up enough pressure in case he needed to catch it again. So far, it looked like the books were holding.
He quickly mashed his face into the glass, making sure the eels were okay. "Finnwick? Marsha? Stephen? Patricia?" he called out to the eels, one-by-one, relieved they all looked okay. Except for one. One was swimming on its side, Mayberry's extinguished cigarette half-swallowed by it as it swam just a hairs width away from going belly-up. "NOOO! KYLE!"
"Excuse me! Those are my eels!" Blitz protested. "I let my daughter hold your junk for those eels! You can't have them!"
Eh-hem!
Snow turned to see Loona looking at him with a slight blush, looking down quickly but pointedly.
"Oh, right!" He quickly took the edges of his towel so she could let go. He almost sighed in relief. He didn't pay any mind to anyone else, or the fact that the heat crawling up his back was causing his hair to stand erect. Because his hair wasn't the only thing erect right now if the tenting of his towel was any indication. "I'm… uh… gonna put on some clothes."
"That would be best," Blitz snapped, crossing his arms angrily.
Snow slipped away, heading back to the bathroom before kicking the door shut. It grew silent rather quickly.
"So?" Millie asked, raising an eyebrow at Loona.
""So" what?" she asked, not liking whatever was going through that old lady's head. The scrutiny made her nervous, and she began absently running her fingers through her hair.
"Millie, whatever you are implying, you better shut that shit up real fast before I slap it out of you," Blitz ordered, before turning to their client. "My apologies, sometimes my… employees… get a little carried away." He glared pointedly at Moxxie.
And no one else.
"What?" Moxxie demanded accusingly. Blitz was the one who slammed the door open.
"It's alright," Mayberry assured, less than subtly sneaking glances at the bathroom door. Somehow, she seemed less prone to spontaneously ripping out a spine. "I was just a little… surprised."
Blitz looked at her, looked at the bathroom door, looked back at her before smirking. "If you can bag 'im, he's all your, Tits." Mayberry's blush grew brighter, even as she glared at him. Serves him right for letting Loona grab his junk.
"Sir! You can't just auction Snow off!" Moxxie protested vehemently.
"If it keeps his dick away from Loony, I'm perfectly fine with it," Blitz justified.
"Who's auctioning me off?" Snow asked, exiting the bathroom, dressed in his usual attire, weapons and all. "No matter. Don't we have someone to kill?"
"You better have swallowed that jizz back up into your dick there, Hand Blow!" Blitz growled. "If you jerked off thinking about my daughter, I swear to Satan–"
"Are we still talking crack-jokes at my name? Or was that a handjob reference?" Snow asked.
"Yes!" Blitz answered.
"I don't swing your way. Anyway, chop-chop," Snow stated. "People to kill."
Blitz was all but foaming at the mouth. "The things I have to deal with," he muttered.
"Let me… know when you're done," Mayberry stated, looking between them all awkwardly. Blitz was glaring at Snow, Snow was suddenly nonchalant after all the red-faced embarrassment, Moxxie was facepalming, Millie was rubbing his shoulder, and Loona was looking anywhere but at the human-like demon. Then there was the little Sinner, basking in it all like a troll.
Blitz immediately did a one-eighty, suddenly all happy smiles. "Don't you worry about a thing, ma'am! We'll take care of that skank ASAP!"
"I hope so." Mayberry quirked an eyebrow, but didn't say anything else as she moved to exit the office. She'd had enough excitement for one day.
Click.
As the door closed, Blitz immediately glared at between them all. "What the FUCK was all that?!"
"We were being productive," Millie stated with a shrug. "You didn't say 'how'."
"Oh, so this is my fault?!"
"When you think about it logically… yeah," Moxxie agreed.
"I didn't almost kill our client with a CROSSBOW you half melted troll doll!" Blitz snapped, poking Moxxie in the chest.
"Loona, please open a portal," Snow asked as his eye twitching. "I'm about ready to go back to my den and say fuck it at this rate."
Loona took a step toward her desk before Blitz headed her off. "Woah now buddy, I'm the only one allowed to give the orders here."
"I didn't give an order," Snow corrected. "I asked nicely."
"Like you asked nicely for someone to hold your towel up?" Blitz demanded with narrowed eyes. "What's the matter? Do you have an itty bitty, teeny weeny?"
"I'm not gonna dignify that with a proper response considering I already answered it. You were left with a choice, and you chose for me to save the eels," Snow snapped back. "You know? The eels that I've been taking care of!
"And Loona's responsible enough not to let my towel drop, while you would have let go just so you had someone to laugh at! If you weren't squeezing my penis for Shits 'n Giggles!"
"Yeah! That would have been pretty hilarious!" Blitz admitted with a smirk.
"You son of a–!" Snow stopped when he felt someone pat him on the back. Turning, he saw Moxxie shake his head with a look of understanding.
"Don't be an ass, Blitz," Loona stated, rolling her eyes as she went to finish what Snow had asked.
OOF!
Eddie, who had been silently basking in the glorious chaos and Snow's embarrassment, was suddenly kicked out of the way by the hellhound as she moved to access her desk drawer, pulling out a familiar grimoire.
"Bitch," the kid muttered.
"Besides… nothing tiny or average about him. He was above average."
"What now?" Blitz and Snow asked, Blitz looking at her with confusion, Snow with mortification.
"His dick," she clarified, opening the grimoire to the portal spell page. "It's above average."
"Loona," Snow whimpered, head ducking as he facepalmed.
Loona looked confused by the sound, ears flicking slightly. "What?"
"God damn it I need a drink after this job," Blitz groaned.
Snow almost agreed with him if he wasn't a little bitter at the moment. "Let's just go."
With a brief reread of the spell, Loona traced a claw through the air, forming the red haze of a portal as she carefully looked at the grimoire.
Eddie watched carefully, only to get snagged and picked up by the semi-albino. "You know the rules. Behave. You're a big kid and Loona's not gonna babysit you as per her demands. But all the same, she's in charge. Understood."
"Ugh! Fine," Eddie sniveled, crossing his arms mid-air. It was easier to laugh at him when he was embarrassed, then he made it not fun by getting all serious.
"Good."
"M'n'M, get your shit together! We're gonna go kill a skank! Now let's go lick some ass!"
"We've been ready, sir," Moxxie deadpanned.
"Ready boss!" Millie stated cheerily at the idea of killing people as she took the lead to the portal. "And it's 'kick some ass', Blitz."
"Mine's better."
"It's Hell for a reason," Moxxie sighed to himself.
Blitz and Moxxie quickly followed after Millie.
Snow was about to join them before he stopped at the portal's door. He quickly stepped back, almost reappearing right in front of Loona.
"Wha–?" She froze as Snow bunted his nose against hers, a soft chittering reverberating in his throat.
"Next time, leave the size of my penis out of it," he stated, staring her in the eye far too close for relative comfort. "It makes it really hard to train you without knowing that Blitz is just going to make a big deal out of it once he figures it out. For all he'd think, I'm just corrupting his baby girl."
Loona rolled her eyes at that. "I'm not "his", and I'm not a baby. And I was "corrupted" long before I met you."
"That's not what he's gonna think," Snow stated, backing off a little bit. He began walking back toward the portal when he stopped to turn back, giving her a soft, blue-glow smile. "And you're not near as corrupted as you think you are."
And then he was gone.
Loona just stared after him as the portal closed. There she went again, getting flustered, her heartbeat accelerating, her toes clenching, her chest warming. One moment Snow seemed like he was going to implode from embarrassment, next he was smooth as could be, and then he was all heartfelt and genuine and all that bullshit! Not to mention his bouts of complete seriousness. She just didn't get it, and she certainly couldn't keep a solid read on him.
Not that she was trying very hard. Nope! Not at all. It had been little more than a week. The interesting things about him would grow boring soon enough. Yeah.
"God, you two should just get a room." She whipped around to glare at the gremlin as he sniveled at what was left of the former conversation. "Seriously bitch! I'm nine, and I can't tell what sort of drama bullshit you two are pulling, but just fuck already and get it out of your system!"
"I'm not that easy, brat," Loona stated, sitting in her chair as she set down the grimoire and reached for a magazine. It wasn't just her though. Snow had told her not to seduce him unless she was serious, and she wasn't sure if she was yet or not. She could tell he would put in the effort. And he might even be fun.
In a vanilla sort of way.
"Really?! 'Cause I've seen some shit, and you two looked like you were about to start tearing each other's clothes off," Eddie pointed out before smirking. "Or at least, you were gonna tear his clothes off."
"Where'd you learn that? Your mom?"
His silence was telling and Loona briefly looked up from her magazine. Eddie was looking down at the ground, eyes shimmering with tears he refused to let fall. He was a demon now. And demon's had to be tough. The sooner he got that, the better. Hell would tear him apart otherwise, and Loona had only just done her part to keep him out of an orphanage. She owned him no favors.
The hellhound quickly went back to her magazine. "Snow and I are just friends, shithead. Hardly even that. What's more, we made a deal. He's teaching me how to fight.
"It's nothing more than that."
"Could have fooled me."
She didn't hesitate to kick him again, not bothering to acknowledge the heat that crept across her face.
Author's Note: Reviews appreciated! :D
Yep! That's what happened! Yes, I wanted to show what was happening prior to all that "unprompted melodrama" with some more "unprompted melodrama" of my own making. Eddie is the company child now (like a mascot, but without pay). And a slight glimpse into the true-form of Snow while he's being used as shameless fan service.
Don't ask me why, but when choosing drinks for everyone, Millie struck me as a chamomile gal. Don't ask why, because I don't know. Of course, Moxxie got the complicated drink, Blitz got the iced fru-fru drink, Eddie got a soda, and Loona had hers with whiskey.
I gave Mrs. Mayberry the name Madelyn, because she wasn't given a name in the show. Plus I enjoyed the challenge of substituted some of the Flashback with scenes more immediate around her (since it was technically within her POV range). Hopefully it adds to what Vivziepop already made. Also, the show doesn't tell us what weapon she used, or how she fucked up killing Martha, so I decided to add some more baseline comprehension with some Blitz sass-ery.
The eels are saved, and the office isn't set on fire! Yay! And... oh my.
Insight into how Snow is training Loona will be implemented down the road, so no worries. Snow's true form won't be revealed for a little while yet, but more hints at his past will be alluded to... as well as other characters (since there's very little as is).
Moxxie and Millie are Hell's ultimate power couple! Fight me!
Heads-up: I'm not sure how often I'll be posting these yet, but I'm thinking that I'd love to add this to my regularly updated stories. I have a good start, Vivziepop isn't going to stop making content any time soon by the sounds of it, and I have some original content to work with in between. It's looking promising, but we'll see.