Written and directed by: Full Paragon

Produced by:

The Grand Cogitator

This Chapter brought to you by: Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. When your invisible friend outgrows even your imagination, send them to Fosters. Now streaming on fanfics.

A Clash of NEETs is part of a complete breakfast. Now fortified with extra Cosmic Horror! Just don't think about it too hard.

Chapter 3: It's Always the Cute Ones

Komekko was hungry. That was not a reflection on the current state of her stomach so much as a general fact of life. No matter what the hour of the day or night, Komekko always wanted more food. Maester Luwin was unable to explain how a seven year old girl was able to eat an entire suckling pig and have room left over for much more, but he had carefully calculated how much nutriment Komekko needed, and both the servants, her siblings, and her parents did their best to carefully monitor Komekko's food intake and prevent her from gorging herself to death.

Little did they know that was actually physically impossible, but at the same time Komekko could have eaten all day and night and still been hungry, so at least they were being practical.

Maester Luwin's efforts did not prevent Komekko from constantly plotting new and creative ways for her to attain more food. Her favorite practice was climbing up to the top of Winterfell and catching pigeons, raiding bird nests for eggs and chicks, and even snagging the occasional rat. After witnessing the horror that was her young daughter eating a raw unplucked bird, Lady Catelyn had issued orders that whatever Komekko brought to the kitchen would be cooked for her, over and above her usual rations. That suited Komekko just fine, as she much preferred cooked meat to raw.

"Sorry, Hoost, people don't like it when doggies climb," Kommeko said, looking down at her direwolf, who was whining and had his fore paws up on the stone of the building. Hoost started to jump up in the air to land beside Komekko, but she shook her head. "No flying neither. Maester Luwin says wolves can't fly. So you behave, OK?"

Hoost whined, but nodded, then set his head between his paws and lay down.

"Good boy!" Komekko pulled out one of the snacks she had secreted about her person and tossed it to Hoost, who jumped up to snag it out of the air. She giggled, and turned back to her climbing. "Come on, Vanir! I don't care if it gets your clothes dirty, we're getting some dinners!"

If anyone had been watching Komekko climb, it would appear to them that she had the hand of a stuffed cloth doll gripped in hers. The doll seemed to have a black and white mask, with eyes of the opposite color sewn in neat needle work, and an impish grin on a skin toned face. The body was all in black, with white legs, though stitching made it seem as though Vanir the Doll was wearing some sort of formal suit.

Vanir, as far as the residents of Winterfell knew, had first appeared about the time Komekko had started to speak. One morning, the doll had simply been in her crib with her, with neither her wet nurse nor any of Komekko's siblings knowing where the doll had come from. He was her constant companion, and Komekko would often describe him as though he were not a doll but a living person.

So firm was Komekko in her insistence that Vanir was alive that her Lady Mother had even acceded to having a place set at the table for Vanir. Most people just figured this was Komekko's way of getting an extra portion at meal times, and hoped that Komekko would soon grow out of her obsession with her toy.

However, to one gifted with True Sight, they would not have seen Komekko lugging a stuffed doll up the wall, but rather that someone was climbing with her. This individual appeared to be a gangly gentleman dressed in a twin tailed suit of rather anachronistic design with white trousers and a yellow neckcloth, and white cotton gloves complete with well blacked formal leather boots.

"Mistress, moi must again object to this most demeaning method of traversal. Moi could simply teleport us to where the fowl thou seeks make their lairs, or perhaps simply lure them with a simple spell."

Vanir, of course, was very much not imaginary, nor a doll. He was simply a gentleman, and had no desire to disturb the residents of Winterfell with his presence. Dukes of Hell did not drop in unannounced, that was far too impolite. He chose to appear as a doll to most mortal eyes because he found the entire thing rather droll, especially when the mortals tried to explain to themselves how a child's toy wandered about the castle of its own power at times. Their rationalizations and ensuing despair were most filling.

"Nope, no magic! Maester Luwin says magic is bad, and only naughty people use magic, and we're good!" Komekko informed her familiar. "We're gonna get a nice fat pigeon and some eggs, and take 'em to Turnip and Gage to cook 'em up so we can eat 'em!"

Vanir politely declined to point out yet again that as a demon, he had no need of mortal food. His mistress was rather queer this cycle, but she had recalled the proper spells to bring and bind him yet again, so alas, he was once more forced to do her bidding. Besides, now that the foolish boy from Japan had appeared, Vanir was quite certain that those idiot goddesses were going to arrive, and that would mean Vanir would have an opportunity to harass them again.

This morning, Komekko decided to stalk her prey by the First Keep. The castle was mostly deserted, as nearly everyone had gone out hunting with the King. Komekko hoped they brought her back something yummy, as Kazuma had promised she could have whatever he caught. She didn't know why, but Komekko really liked the funny prince as soon as she had met him. She was pretty sure he was like her Big Sisters and herself, in that he didn't really belong here, but Komekko didn't mind. Her mommy and daddy were very nice this time and gave her lots to eat, so she would be good.

As they gathered up eggs, several of which Komekko sucked from the shell raw, Vanir made a sudden face. "Mistress, moi must beg that we depart for other parts. Two of those Southron mortals are behaving in a most disgusting manner below us."

"Are they being bad?" Kommeko asked curiously.

Vanir shrugged. "Mayhaps, for all the lifetimes moi has spent as thy familiar, moi struggles to remember what sort of morality the mortals of this place follow. Is it forbidden to lay with thy sister here?"

"No, I sleep in Megumin and Yunyun's bed all the time if it's cold," Komekko said with a shake of her head.

"Ah. And it is well to take another man's wife as thine own?"

Komekko considered this. "I don't think so. Septa Cecily might think it's OK but she's weird and Maester Luwin says Axis Septa's don't know how to be good very well."

"Oh, well, then moi supposes they are indeed sinning. Lust was never a concern of mois. Such a base emotion is for succubi."

"That means they're being bad! We gotta make 'em stop!" Komekko declared. Then she grinned. "Or else they're gonna have to pay us!"

Vanir shrugged, and indicated the chambers where the two mortals were rutting. By the time Komekko clambered down to the window, they were finishing, which at least cut down on the filthy emotions pouring from the two morals.

"Hey, are you being bad?" Komekko asked as she hung upside down from the window frame, her twin braids falling past her head.

The two people let out a cry and separated, and Komekko grinned. It was Kazuma's mom and his uncle Jamie! They had lots of food. Komekko's mouth began to water slightly, but she wiped at her mouth and forced herself to focus.

"What-what are you doing here, child?" the Queen asked, pulling away from her brother and covering herself with her clothes. Yep. She was acting guilty! Score!

"Making sure you're not being bad," Komekko said seriously. "Because if you are, I might have to tell."

This was her usual blackmail scheme: Often, Komekko would come across people doing various indiscretions. She'd caught Theon doing the naked wrestling with a lot of girls like these two had been, and he still owed her lots of dinners. He always laughed and paid up, which meant Komekko never had to tell anyone he was being bad. She often found guards sleeping at their posts, or her sisters (usually Megumin) doing something they shouldn't, and would demand a penance of food.

Otherwise, she'd have to suck their soul out and eat it, but that made her gassy and wasn't as tasty as real food. Being a Queen of Hell was hard sometimes, so Kommeko much preferred just being a girl.

"Jamie...she's seen us," the Queen gasped, still trying to cover herself as her brother pulled on his trousers and tunic.

"Yep! Saw the whole thing. You were being bad," Komekko said seriously, crossing her arms over her chest, despite the fact that she was still hanging upside down. Vanir, of course, was holding her ankles: she wasn't using magic, that was bad, and she was good. Mommy said so.

"She's a little girl, Cersei," Jamie Lannister groaned, looking pained as he walked towards Komekko. He pulled her down from Vanir's grip, spinning her about and setting her back on the windowsill.

"Yep! But you're gonna have to pay now," Komekko said eagerly.

"Jamie...think of our children," Cersei pleaded. "Think of me. You...you have to do it."

"The things I do for love," Jamie sighed. Then he pushed the startled Komekko out into thin air.

Komekko flailed her arms a bit, only for Hoost to jump up from below. He turned back into his real form, which was currently a Wolf Demon, and caught Komekko in his arms. "I got you!" Hoost cried, and then grabbed the windowsill with one arm and flung himself and Komekko back through, going back into wolf shape as he landed.

"What in the name of-" Jamie Lannister gasped, stepping back from Komekko as she burst through the window along with her direwolf. He hadn't been able to watch her fall, but the ground was nearly 200 feet below them. She couldn't have survived, and the wolf… Jamie eyed Hoost as the beast circled in front of his mistress, growling.

"You have been very bad," Kommeko declared, a wide grin spreading over her face. She was going to get so much food from this! "I could have been hurt. That was not nice!"

"I…" Jamie swallowed, and looked to Cersei. But she had taken up his sword, baring the naked steel.

"Jamie. We cannot let her tell our secret. The wolf, it savaged her, you tried to save her. Kill them both."

"Wow, you just keep being bad! That's gonna be a lot of dinners," Kommeko giggled, rubbing her hands.

Jamie took the sword, but didn't say anything, his hurt eyes looking at the girl and her wolf. Then, he felt a hand on his arm as Cirsei let out a startled gasp.

"Oh foolish mortal man who hides his pain behind a smile and his love behind his duty, thou would be making an error most grievous to take up thy sword against my mistress."

Slowly, Jamie turned to see the grinning face of Vanir. He realized it was the doll, now a full sized man, come to life, and he felt his blood run cold. With a cry, Jamie drove the sword right through Vanir's sternum.

Or at least, where a sternum would have been. If Vanir was anything even remotely resembling human.

"Oh-ho-ho! What delicious despair!" Vanir chuckled, looking down at the blade embedded in his chest. He tapped Jamie on the shoulder with a finger, and the man was flung back into Cersei, who was nearly bowled over as she tried to catch her brother. The two of them staggered, but managed to stay on their feet.

"Now," Vanir said, the shadows of the room seeming to lengthen as the sunlight outside was suddenly robbed of brightness and warmth. "Thou hast attempted to murder the mistress. Moi simply cannot stand for this."

From the shadows, things began to emerge and crawl. Dolls, exactly like the one Komekko carried around, only these giggled with eerie voices, and began to trundle towards Jamie and Cersei.

"Vanir!" Komekko cried, and walked over and smacked the Duke of Hell on his rear, making him cry out and jump slightly. "No magic! Mommy said so!"

"But this villain has attempted to murder thee! There must be retribution!" Vanir protested.

"Vanir, I'm seven. Stop using big words, they make my head hurt," Komekko complained. Then she turned to the terrified Lannisters. "Well. You've been very bad. I think murder is wrong, 'cause it's killing people. Right, Vanir?"

"Most mortals do tend to believe that, yes," Vanir agreed reluctantly. He snapped his fingers, and the dolls dissolved to dust and shadows.

"Well, we're not gonna kill you, because we're good! But, you are gonna get spankings for being bad," Komekko stated. "If mommy and daddy find out...daddy's got a really big sword. Bigger than yours."

"Indeed," Vanir agreed, absently plucking Jamie's sword from his chest, then running a finger over the cut in his suit, which instantly repaired itself.

"But, I'm nice," Komekko told the two Lannisters, giving them a big grin. "If you promise to be good, and also give me your dinners, I won't tell."

"What...what are you?" Cersei gasped.

Vanir rolled his eyes. "What doest thou think we are, O woman who lusts after her own flesh and abhors her own husband?"

"You're a demon," Jamie whispered, his eyes very wide, trying to keep himself between Cersei and the three monsters, of which he was now very certain the Stark girl was the worst of. However, her direwolf kept circling behind him, and Jamie had a sneaking suspicion that all the swords in the world wouldn't help him here.

"Oh-ho-ho! What succulent despair! Indeed, moi is Vanir, Duke of Hell," the dapper demon declared, giving a formal bow.

"I'm Komekko Stark! Sometimes I'm the Devil Queen of Hell, but mostly I'm a little girl so I practice being good."

The Dire Wolf's mouth opened, and it spoke. "I'm Hoost. Usually I'm a Greater Demon, but I sorta got shanghaied inta bein' a wolf spirit for a bit."

"You're nicer this way, Hoost, so it's OK!" Komekko said brightly.

"You're evil," Cersei breathed, tears filling her eyes. "You'll see me and my children dead, won't you, demon! If you tell anyone what we have done here, they-"

"Don't be silly! I like Kazuma and Myrcella and Tommen. They're nice. And I'm not evil, I'm good!" Komekko poked Vanir. "I think we need the Contract. They're really scared, and they've seen you, Vanir. I don't want Kazuma to not like me because he knows what you are."

"If you try to hurt my children" Jamie growled, his hands clenching into fists. He tried to never, ever think of Cersei's children as his own, or to ever speak of such things aloud, but he thought he was certain to die in the next moment.

"You're not listening! I'm good! Plus, they're Yunyun's friends and I promised to be nice," Komekko sighed. "Vanir, give them the contract. I don't think we're gonna get many dinners out of this one."

"Very well. Standard memory erasure in exchange for services at a later date, mistress?" Vanir asked.

"Yep! They'll probably hafta remember at some point, so maybe just lock 'em away."

"Very good, very good. Ah! Foolish mortals! Let thy minds be at ease! For today, the Forces of Hell mean thee no ill will, for our mistress is a kind and generous Devil Queen."

"And hungry," Komekko added.

Vanir whipped out two parchments, which he presented to the Lannisers. "Merely sign here, and here. Thou shalt owe Mistress Komekko a favor, and also thy evening repast for a week. In exchange, moi vows on behalf of his Mistress and all the Forces of Hell, that thy secret love affair shall remain as such, or at least, that we shall breath no word of it to mortal ears. And thy troubled minds shall be eased: you will not recall our meeting"

"You mean...you're going to keep our secret?" Jamie asked uncertainly.

"What of my son?! What about Kazuma!? What are you going to do to him!" Cersei demanded.

"Nothin'. I think he's Megumin's? Or Yunyun's? I don't know," Komekko said with a shrug. "I'm seven; I don't really remember. It's more fun that way."

"How do we know you shall keep your word? Or that you are not simply trying to steal our souls or bundle us off to the Seven Hells?" Jamie demanded.

"Because Hell is super boring. That's why we live here! Also, daddy says you always have to tell the truth," Komekko answered seriously.

"And as a resident of the Infernal Realms, moi is quite incapable of lying," Vanir added. "Thou should know that we of Hell are most solicitous about keeping our contracts."

Jamie and Cersei shared a look, then swallowed. They both took up the quills Vanir offered them, and signed.

The next thing they knew, they were both following Kommeko down the stairs as her dire wolf led the way.

"Thanks for promising to give me your dinners! I won't tell nobody I found you playing together!" Komekko called as she began to run off.

The Lannister siblings leaned on one another, their heads spinning.

"We shall… make sure you get your food," Jamie managed, clinging to his sister and lover.

"Good! Don't try to break your word," Komekko giggled, pausing and wagging a finger at Jamie. "Vanir doesn't like that!" Then she picked up her doll, clutching it in both arms, and skipped down the stairs.

"Do you think she knows?" Cersei gasped.

"No," Jamie whispered, shaking his head. "She found us after we were already dressed. And she said she wouldn't tell, so long as we fed her our meals."

"I hate this," Cersei groaned. "Why can the world not know of our love?"

"Someday, sister, someday," Jamie promised, and kissed her gently on the lips. Then they turned and left, their confrontation forgotten.

At least for the time being.

Cast of Characters:

Komekko as; Bran Stark. Or possibly the Queen of Hell. We'd ask her, but it's her nap time.

Vanir as; The Three Eyed Raven. And probably Hobbes the Tiger too.

Hoost as; Summer the Direwolf, and maybe something more.

Cecily as; Septa Mordane

Jamie Lannister as; Busted

Cersei Lanniser as: Still kind of a bitch

And the Cast of A Song of Ice and Fire as Themselves (when they're not too busy having panic attacks)