Written and directed by: Full Paragon
Produced by: The Grand Cognator
This Chapter brought to you by: Raycon Earbuds: for when you're out Adventuring, but still want to listen to your sick beats to provide a suitable soundtrack to your epic acts.
WARNING: This product contains chuunibyouism. Middle Schoolers, people who may become middle schoolers, and people who are allergic to AWESOME should talk to their doctor before reading this fanfic. Careful not to cut yourself on that EDGE, champ.
Chapter 4: We're going on an Adventure, you stupid NEET
Earlier that morning, Megumin had been stalking through the castle halls. She was dressed in her riding leathers, with Chunchumaru strapped to her back and her sling tucked away in her satchel. She made her way deep into the Lion's Den, sneaking past many vicious orcs, trolls, and other horrible monsters, until she found the door to the NEETs lair. She proceeded to bang on it, violently.
"Wake up, Kazuma! We're going hunting! Come on, I'll show you where the grumpkins and snarks hide!"
There was a groan from inside the lair. "Megumin?! Do you have any idea what time it is? Go away! I'm not going hunting!"
"The sun's up, which means you're up, you stupid NEET! Everyone's going!"
"Super. I'm not. I'm staying home with Uncle Tyrion. It's awful outside. You can get sunburned, and bugs bite you, and you get all sweaty and messy. I'm staying in bed. Later, I might read a book. If I'm feeling adventurous, I'm going down to the kitchens to get some food."
"I thought you wanted to be a pirate or an Adventurer! You have to train if you want to do that! You can't lay in your bed all day, Scumzuma!" Megumin shouted, and banged on the door again.
All down the hall, doors were opening, and Lannisters were poking their heads out, glaring at Megumin. She ignored it: foolish mortals were always glaring at her. They just couldn't appreciate greatness.
After a pause, the door opened, and a bleary eyed Kazuma glared out at her. He was dressed in a red silk robe, and had on fuzzy slippers in the shape of little stags. Megumin didn't bother to hide her giggle.
"What did you call me?" Kazuma growled.
"A stupid NEET," Megumin answered, folding her arms over her chest.
"No, after that."
"Scumzuma," Megumin said proudly. She thought it was an excellent insult.
"Well, what if I called you a damn lunatic chuunibyou mage?!" Kazuma snarled, poking Megumin in the chest.
"Then I'd say sanity is boring, and that I am not a simple mage, but an Arch Wizard of the-" Megumin paused, blinking. What was she saying again? "Um, of House Stark?"
Kazuma glared at Megumin for a moment, his jaw working. "Why do you care if I come? No one else does. My dad doesn't even try to get me to come on hunts anymore. He knows I hate them."
"Because he said Yunyun and me could only come if you did," Megumin admitted, looking down. "And...and I really want to go. It sounds exciting, and I want to go on an Adventure."
"Then read a book! That's what they're for! Real adventures suck! You get cold, and go hungry, and have to work hard and wake up early! Books are a lot nicer," Kazuma argued.
Megumin looked up again, frowning. "But they're not real. What's the point? I want someone to write a book about me, not have to read what someone else did."
"No," Kazuma snapped, and started to close the door. Megumin stuck her foot in the way, wincing as it was nearly crushed.
"Please? Come on! Maybe we can practice sword fighting some more! I promise not to kick you in the balls again! And it will be fun! Come on, you can't just stay in your room all day like a NEET!"
Kazuma considered that. "Ok. But only if you tell me what a NEET is."
"Great! Get dressed and come on! And bring your sword! We're going on an Adventure!" Megumin declared, a wide grin blooming on her face.
"Fine." Megumin withdrew her foot, and then quickly knelt and massaged it after Kazuma closed the door.
What was a NEET, anyway? Aside from Kazuma, that was obvious. Megumin didn't know why, but whenever she thought about Kazuma, she thought about him being a NEET. Furiously, she tried to work out what that meant. She really was pretty smart, if not very wise, so when Kazuma opened the door, dressed in riding leathers himself, she had an answer.
"A NEET is Not Ever Exiting their Territory," Megumin stated matter of factly. "It refers to a shiftless layabout who spends all their time in their room, mooching off their parents instead of being a productive member of society. Which is what you do."
"Yeah, OK," Kazuma agreed, buckling on his sword belt and stepping out into the hall. "That sounds about right. Fine. Let's get this over with."
"Yes! This is going to be great! I bet Jon I could get you to come out, and he's going to owe me an hour long posing session!"
Kazuma paused for a moment, one eyebrow raised. "You practice your poses for an HOUR?"
"Of course! A cool pose is vital to an Adventurer! It strikes fear into the hearts of your foes, and inspires your allies, while proclaiming to the world that you are a truly amazing person!"
"Uh huh. And that...the poses and weird greetings...that's what a chuunibyou is?"
Megumin thought about that. "I think being a chuunibyou is an important part of my culture."
"I'm pretty sure you're the only person in the North who does stupid poses and acts like a lunatic."
"Nope! Everybody does them! Right, Fat Tom?" Megumin said, asking the portly guard with greying red whiskers at the entrance as they passed.
He started, and looked pained. "Young Lady Megumin..."
"Come on, Fat Tom! Don't make me look bad!" Megumin huffed, folding her arms over her chest.
The guard sighed, rubbing his prodigious gut absently. "We have been known to...play along with the young lady, your Highness. It, er, well, it pleases her ladyship, and, well…"
"Come on, Tom, like I showed you!" Megumin ordered, a wide grin on her face.
With a sigh, Fat Tom offered a salute, then struck a particularly egregious pose, hopping slightly on one leg. "Behold! I am Tommard, Foremost of the Guards of House Stark, and he who shall be Captain one day!" He blushed then, then jerked back into place. "Er, beggin' your pardon, m'lord."
"Ok," Kazuma said, nodding slowly. "All Northerners are crazy."
"Ha! Ours is a madness born from seeing into the abyss, for when one looks into the darkness, the darkness swells within them!"
Though there was barely any light outside, Kazuma and Megumin made their way down to the stables, where dozens of riders were already assembled, and more were making ready. The king was standing with Lord Stark, laughing with a mug of beer in his hand.
"Come on, let's go see what my dad's up to," Kazuma sighed, and steeled himself and made his way over.
Whatever the king had been laughing about, his expression became one of shock when he saw his son and Megumin approaching.
"Kazuma!? Seven Hells, boy, did she actually-"
"I told you, Robert, my daughter is most persuasive," Eddard sighed, but he gave Megumin a grin, and she smiled back, posing and sticking her hand over one eye in a V sign as she winked.
"Not like I could get any sleep with her banging on the door and yelling like that," Kazuma grumbled. "So, where's our horses?"
"Mine is Pucchin, the Grey Wind, swiftest of all horses!" Megumin bragged.
The king started. "Wait, girl, you don't actually intend to-"
"Your Grace did promise my daughters they could attend the hunt if they managed to convince Prince Kazuma to accompany us," Lord Stark interrupted, his tone one that indicated he intended to be stubborn about things.
"You'd let your girls come on the hunt with us?!" Robert demanded, looking at Eddard incredulously.
"We are not your soft Southron women! We are the Starks! The Direwolves of the North! We are she who howls in the night! When justice calls, we shall answer! Come, Kazuma, our prey awaits!" Megumin cackled, and led Kazuma over to the stables.
There, he found Sandor with his horse, Matsukaze, already brushed and saddled, along with a very eager looking Yunyun.
"Kazuma, Megumin! You came! Oh, I'm so happy! We're going to have so much fun today with all our friends! I was just talking with Sandor, he's really nice once you get to know him!"
"Aww, Sandor, look at you!" Kazuma said, giving his bodyguard a thumbs up. "Making friends and being nice! Next thing you know, you'll be smiling and cuddling with puppy dogs!"
"Bloody girl just kept begging for your damn horse to be saddled. Just wanted to shut her up," Sandor growled. But then Yunyun gave him a bright grin, and Sandor looked away, trying and failing to hide a faint blush.
"Ok, it was totally worth it to wake up early just for this," Kazuma chuckled, stroking Matsukaze's muzzle affectionately. He didn't like to go out riding all that often, but he did like the horse his father had given him for his tenth name day, and did his best to take good care of it.
"Why nephew, that is so good to hear! Perhaps it is true what they say: the maiden maketh the burden light."
"Uncle Tyrion!" Kazuma cried, and spun about. "They dragged you into this farce too, huh?"
"I'm afraid so," Tyrion sighed, reigning in his horse. He was already mounted in his special saddle, which Kazuma had helped craft and design. He was remarkably talented at such things, even if he was rarely moved to engage in such experimentation. "It seems that everyone is expected to participate in this hunt, even hermit princes and young she-wolves."
"...Not a NEET," Kazuma muttered.
"Not for lack of trying, you stupid Pedo-NEET," Megumin sniggered.
"Oh, so now I'm a lolicon now, huh?!" Kazuma demanded, glaring at Megumin. "What does that make YOU, Ms. No-boobs?! We're the same age!"
"S-shut up! I'll get my boobs someday, mom just says it takes some girls longer!" Megumin cried, covering her chest with her hands.
Yunyun blushed, her own hands going to cover her rather modest bodice. Unlike her sister, who could easily have been mistaken for a boy, especially with her short, messy hair, Yunyun was beginning to show the first signs of womanhood, much to her embarrassment.
"W-well, um, we're going to have fun today, right?" Yunyun stammered, trying to change the subject. "L-Lord Tyrion, you're going to ride with us, right? I just know we're going to be friends!"
"There's no need to flatter me, Lady Yunyun," Tyrion chuckled. "No one will think less of you for wishing to stay apart from a dwarf."
Tears filled Yunyun's eyes. "You mean...you don't want to be my friend? But you seem so nice...you're always making jokes, and smiling, and making everyone laugh!"
"Hey man, I told you not to be so down on yourself," Kazuma said quietly, taking a couple steps towards Tyrion. "Look, Yunyun's a sweetheart. She really will try to be your friend. Don't just try any of your perverted crap on her, OK? I mean heck, she even tries to be friends with me and nobody bothers with that usually."
Tyrion frowned down at Kazuma, then looked up at Yunyun. She gave him a big smile, and the Lannister lord realized there was no vice in that smile, no guile: Yunyun just wanted to be his friend, and to her, that meant accepting Tyrion for who was.
"Well, I suppose if my lady wishes to be friends, who am I to argue?" Tyrion asked, and his voice came out rougher than he had meant.
"Oh good!" Yunyun sprang forward, smiling and offering a hand to Tyrion, who after a moment took it and shook, looking a bit amused. "I like your horse! He seems very gentle. What's his name?"
"Cub, for he carries but a small lion," Tyrion replied, a bit of the humor returning to his voice.
"You're a good horse, aren't you Cub?" Yunyun said, and offered the horse a bit of carrot she had secreted in her robes. The horse took it eagerly, and Yunyun had made two more friends that day. Megumin just knew she was going to get out that stupid journal of hers and write down everything she knew about the horse and Tyrion. Yunyun had a page for everyone for miles and miles.
The hunt itself took place in the Wolfswood, with a great many knights, nobles, and even ladies joining the party. As for Megumin, she led her band deep into the woods, seeking new and exciting adventures. She was hoping they'd find an orc (boar) or chimera (bear) or even a centaur (deer) and be able to take it down and return as triumphant heroes. However, the animals of the woods appeared to take one look at Sandor Clegane and the two direwolves bounding through the woods with the group, and decided that they under no circumstances wished to get in the way of that kind of trouble.
It didn't help that Megumin's concept of "stealth" was to wrap a black scarf about her head and ramble on about "becoming one with the shadows." She shouted and yelled, waving about the newly remade and rechristened Chunchumaru as they rode through the wolfswood, doing battle with a variety of invisible foes.
Yunyun of course played right along, being well used to her twin's antics. Kazuma tried to remain aloof for a while, but Megumin's enthusiasm was infectious, and he'd read far too many silly adventure stories that featured snarks, grumpkins, and other terrible foes not to pick up a stick and wave it about as he charged right along with the girls (he wasn't stupid enough to actually use Masaume for such a thing).
Tyrion rather enjoyed making japes about the children's flights of fantasy, though he easily fell right in with Megumin's delusions, concocting a grand story about her jousting and defeating a dragon when her horse started several pheasants into flight. Even Sandor seemed to be somewhat amused, making several acidic comments about Kazuma's behavior. The prince, however, just laughed.
Megumin's great triumph came when they started a young buck out of a small copse of trees while riding along a streambank.
"Go, Chomususke!" Megumin ordered, and her wolf leapt to the attack. The deer tried to escape, but with Lady cutting it off, it made a bad turn, and Chomusuke grabbed the deer around the neck, jaws snapping shut.
"Yes! I win again!" Megumin proclaimed as her direwolf thumped her tail eagerly, her bloody muzzle split by a wolfish grin. Scrambling off her shying horse, Megumin ran over to embrace her pet, then shooed off Lady, who was sniffing at the corpse.
"No! We shall return with our prize, and claim victory!" Megumin declared. She grinned at Kazuma, who was leaning on his saddlehorn and looking amused. "What have you contributed to our hunt? Truly, I am the greatest genius of the House of Stark!"
"Your wolf did all the work," Kazuma observed. "But give me your sling and I'll contribute."
Meguin rolled her eyes, but handed the homemade weapon over to Kazuma, along with several rocks Megumin had picked out less for their aerodynamic properties and more for how cool they looked.
"Oh you've done it now," Tyrion said, shaking his head as Kazuma selected a rock and placed it in on the leather, before whirring the sling about his head, casting about for a target.
"What? That thing? I mean, I'm not bad with it, I practice hitting targets with Jon all the time, but I don't think the prince can-"
Megumin cut off as Kazuma let fly with a cry of, "Snipe!"
Megumin followed the path of the speeding stone through the air, and it knocked a pheasant that had just taken wing to the ground.
"Dog, fetch your master's supper," Kazuma proclaimed, pointing to the downed bird.
"Bloody well get it yourself, I'm not crawling through that brush," Sandor spat.
Kazuma glared at Sandor, but dismounted and scrambled off, bringing back the pheasant, which he handed over to Megumin. "That's one."
"What do you mean, 'that's one?'" she demanded, narrowing her eyes.
"Kazuma, that was great! Where'd you get so good with a sling?" Yunyun asked as Sandor dismounted and took the deer over to the nearby stream. The Hound unsheathed his knife, and began to clean the kill, tossing the offal to the eager wolves.
"I'm just naturally talented," Kazuma bragged, buffing his knuckles on his tunic.
Megumin and Yunyun looked to Tyrion, but he just chuckled. "My nephew, for all his complaining about martial pursuits, is quite skilled with sling and bow. He does always have to shout his ridiculous battlecry first, but his accuracy is rather surprising for someone who avoids practicing archery at all costs."
"That's because there's no need to improve on perfection," Kazuma sniffed. "I'm not good, I'm lucky."
Indeed, on the way back, Kazuma killed no fewer than half a dozen fowl, including a large tom turkey. Yunyun even got Lady to start retrieving Kazuma's kills, the wolf happily fetching the birds, then depositing them at Yunyun's feet, wagging her tail excitedly.
"Good girl!" Yunyun praised, and tossed Lady a treat, which Chomusuke naturally grabbed out of the air and ran off with, her sister whining sadly.
"Mine is still bigger," Megumin grumbled, eyeing Kazuma's brace of game and the small deer carcass Sandor had wrapped in hide.
"You both are winners!" Yunyun happily informed them. "I'm so glad we all had fun today! Komekko will be so excited we brought her some food!"
"Yeah, she's a cute little bugger, even if she's weird. She carry that doll of hers with her everywhere?" Kazuma asked.
"Komekko is perfectly normal for a Stark," Yunyun sniffed. "And I've never seen her without Vanir."
"I'm starting to think these Starks are as mad as our young prince," Tyrion remarked quietly to Sandor.
"Whole bloody world's gone mad, Lannister," Sandor growled. "Is it a wonder our prince found a girl as odd as he?"
"Perhaps not," Tyrion admitted, but he smiled. It was good to see his nephew laughing in the sun. He appreciated that Kazuma preferred quieter pursuits, such as a game of cyvasse or a good book, but the boy was young, and strong. He should enjoy the simple life while he could.
Back at Winterfell, the hunt was returning, and Robert was bragging about the boar that he and Ned had slain.
"-and so Ned says to me, 'Robert, you're too fat to run down that beast and I'm getting too old, let those youngsters handle it!' Well, I says to him, 'I might be fat, but I can still-"
"BEHOLD!"
All eyes in the courtyard turned to where three children were posing atop the gatehouse, a grudging Sandor holding up the dead buck, while Kazuma, Yunyun, and Megumin were holding aloft a fowl apiece. Tyrion stood to the side, looking amused and bearing the dead turkey. Two wolves flanked the party, and started howling, throwing their heads back and splitting the air with their cries.
"We, the Crimson Demon Clan of Adventurers, have ventured forth this day and slain the fiercest of foes within the dark and deadly Wolfswood!" Megumin declared, grinning and passing her hand over her left eye, which once more bore an eyepatch, this one cut from a corner of Kazuma's red riding cloak.
"Lo, we have slain the deadly Jabberwocky, and claimed its meat for ourselves!" Kazuma boasted, pointing to the deer, which made Sandor roll his eyes and foist the carcass up a little higher.
"And we couldn't have done it without our friends!" Yunyun added, smiling happily.
"Indeed, such incredible feats of daring and bravery have scarcely been seen outside the pages of the most fanciful of children's tales," Tyrion agreed. "Verily, I thought this fearsome bird might have pecked my eyes out if not for my nephew's timely intervention."
"Indeed, for that is none other than the deadly Cockatrice of Axel!" Meguimin boasted. "We ventured deep into a dungeon, facing many terrible foes! But Ser Tyrion, in a brave act of valor, felled the terrible beast with a single blow from his axe!"
"Did I now?" Tyrion asked, chuckling. "I must have forgotten in all the excitement."
"You call me Ser Clegaine and I'm chucking your bloody deer over the wall," Sandor growled.
"And Archwizard Clegaine, using only his fearsome glare, fended off a terrible gorgon!" Megumin added, without skipping a beat. Sandor snorted, but was clearly having a harder and harder time not smiling at the small girl's ever evolving vivid tale, which included several close calls, a battle with a band of wildlings, Megumin saving the prince from giant toads of all things, and Yunyun and Megumin "combining their deep crimson" to slay a "general of the Witch Beyond the Wall herself!"
"Ned," Robert said quietly as the crowd whistled and cheered to hear of the exploits of the "Crimson Demon Clan". "I'm starting to think both our children are quite mad, you know that?"
"You just realized that now, did you Robert?" Eddard whispered back, smiling and clapping as Megumin's ramblings wound down.
"Seven Hells Ned, they're going to have to get married. No one else would tolerate them! You know that half the maidens in King's Landing call my son Pervzuma? Apparently, he's managed to steal several of their smallclothes. How, I have no bloody idea. The boy seems like he's afraid of women half the time, and uninterested the other half. But I swear, at twelve he's more of a lecher than I ever was."
"They're still young," Eddard told his friend, slapping the king on the shoulder. "But I think this match will turn out to be most beneficial to the both of us."
"Aye, I suppose it will be good for the North to have closer ties to the throne, and the South," Robert agreed.
"I was more thinking that it would give their poor fathers some peace of mind, and keep us from going bald and white, while their mothers tear their hair out in frustration," Eddard whispered, his mouth near to the king's ear.
Robert started, his eyes going wide as Eddard slapped him on the back again and stepped away a pace. "You have changed, Ned. What happened to that dour man of honor who couldn't have had fun in a whorehouse?"
"He had children, and realized some things are more important than a man's honor," Eddard said with a shake of his head. "Megumin has had a way of making her poor father consider what is merely a point of pride, and what really matters to him. In the end, I've picked her time and again."
Robert grunted, and looked up at his son, considering. "Well. Maybe there's some wisdom in that."
Up above them, Megumin bowed to her adoring audience, and stepped back. "Come, let us depart to the kitchens, that we might feast on the spoils of victory!"
Beaming with pride, Megumin only came to a halt when she found her mother and the queen waiting for them at the base of the stairs, worryingly neutral expressions on their faces.
"Er, greetings, mother. Have you, um, come to witness our glory?" Megumin stammered, taking half a step back.
However, Kazuma boldly continued on, taking Megumin by the hand and dragging her forward. "My ladies! I bequeath to you the first of the spoils of our conquest! We shall have the cooks prepare an excellent dish especially for you. Won't we, O fearless leader?"
"Um, yes! That is exactly what we shall do!" Megumin agreed, grinning widely at her mother and praying to the goddesses old and new she didn't get in trouble for this. She wasn't sure exactly what she had done that would get her in the most trouble, but she was also fairly certain she had done a variety of things that her mother had forbidden, the first of which was that both she and Yunyun were dressed in boys clothes.
Instead glaring at her daughters, Catelyn looked to the prince. "Did my daughters act as proper hostesses, Your Highness?"
"Um, yes?" Kazuma ventured. "I mean, yes, Lady Stark. Your daughters have been the very model of, er, feminine grace and beauty, and have catered to my every need."
"Oh mom, you won't believe how much fun we had!" Yunyun cried, breezing past her sibling and giving her mother a hug and a big grin. "Kazuma is really good with a sling! He got all kinds of birds today! Oh, and Queen Cersei, your brother is so funny! We're good friends now! Did you see the stitching Myrcella and I did yesterday? She says you're really good at it too! Tomorrow, let's all sit together and do some needlework, my mom's good at it too! I'll make Megumin behave, and Mr. Sandor says Kazuma's pretty good with a needle too! Please, can we?"
Cercei blinked at Yunyun, then looked up at her son, who blushed. "Well, I mean, it's not hard or anything. Anyone can figure out how to sew an eyepatch."
"Come on, let's go get Komekko and we can help my friend Turnip cook the food!" Yunyun said, and grabbed Kazuma and Megumin and hauled them away.
"Sister. Lady Stark," Tyrion said, easing himself down the stairs. Then he waddled off, chuckling to himself. Sandor just followed after the children silently, still carrying the deer carcass.
The two ladies watched them go, then Cersei let out a long, much suffering sigh. "I have a bottle of Dornish Red secreted in my rooms. I believe you could use a cup or two of it as much as I, Lady Stark."
"I rather think you are right," Catelyn agreed. She'd never thought she'd bond with Cercei Lannister of all people over the trials of motherhood, but…" At least if we're drunk enough, we won't have to strangle our children and husbands for their foolishness."
By the time the feast rolled around, Cersei and Catelyn were both further into their cups than the King, and well on their way to becoming fast friends. Yunyun couldn't have been happier.
Cast of Characters
Kazuma Sato as; Joffrey Baratheon's less douchey cousin.
Megumin as; The Foremost Genius of the House of Stark, Aria.
Yunyun as: Sansa, if she were a friendship addict, and apparently better at politics.
Chomusuke as; Nymeria the Dire Wolf
Sandor Clegane as; Ser Definitely Not A Ser
Tyrion Lannister as; the newest member of the Crimson Demon Clan
Robart Baratheon as; working on his dadding, but rocking that dad bod.
Cersei and Catelyn as; Say thanks to your mom, kids. She puts up with all your shit.
And Eddard Stark as; By the Old Goddesses, my daughter might not die alone.
With the Very Confused cast of a Song of Ice and Fire as (mostly) themselves.