Written and Directed by: Full-Paragon
Produced by: The Grand Cognator
This Fic is sponsored by: Smartwater. Feeling dumb? Drink a bottle of Smartwater! Then, you'll still be dumb, but at least you'll be hydrated!
And brought to you by your local PBS Station, and reviews from readers like you. Thank you.
Chapter 5: Not Entirely Useless
Snow blanketed the ground, and a cold wind blew out of the North. Though this winter had lasted only a few months and would be a brief one, no Northern Winter was ever light. There was no one about on the road, and the sky was black, save for the twinkling of scattered stars. Then, two squabbling voices filled the peaceful air.
"Oh man, why couldn't we make it summer? It's too cold right now! I'm going to freeze!"
"I told you it was cold, but you said you didn't need a heavier jacket. And would it kill you to wear pants, or at least a longer dress? Seriously, no one wears a skirt in the Winter Time."
"Ugh, I'm just going to make it Summer for a bit, this is too cold."
"No, don't do that! Do you even REMEMBER how hard it was to get Holo to allow us up here?! We had to give her a literal ton of apples!"
Two young women walked along the cleared path towards the castle gates through Winter Town, one dressed in a thick, sensible ladies dress and cloak with a feathered mantle, and the other in a cute white jacket and white cap. Though she had on long stockings, part of her legs were barred by her dangerously short skirt. A few eyes peeked out at the strangers, but as it was cold outside, none of the towns residents bothered to confront the two women.
"Oh man, the gate's closed," the woman in the skirt sighed when they got to the castle. "How are we supposed to get in?"
"Ugh, I knew this would happen. We should have just appeared in the Sept," the other complained.
"...but I wanted to see the town! Gotta make sure this is the right place, you know? Maybe we should just do the Reach or Dorne again instead. It's warmer there."
"I'm not going all the way back to the south after we came here. Besides, we agreed that this was the best place for the three of them. I'm not resubmitting our plan because you can't handle the cold."
"Hmph. Well, whatever. You're the lucky one, how do we get the gate open?"
"Come on, there's a side door somewhere."
The two women started to trudge through the waist high snow, until the first got fed up and clapped her hands. Instantly, the snow flew out of her way, piling itself neatly in a stack to the side.
"...you forgot that snow is water again, didn't you?" her companion sighed.
"Shut up. Snow is icky water, it hardly counts."
"Do you remember that clouds are water, too?"
"Of course I remember that! That's where rain comes from! How dumb do you think I am!?"
"...you really want me to answer that?"
After several minutes of walking and bickering, the two young women found a side gate, and the warmly dressed one walked out the door, tapping it with her finger. "Pick Lock."
The door swung open, and both girls stepped inside, only to be confronted by a suddenly very alert pair of guards.
"Who goes there?" Fat Tom, who wasn't so fat yet, growled, pointing his spear at them.
The cutely dressed girl stepped forward, grinning broadly. "Greetings, mortal! I am the-"
"No one is here," her companion said, clamping her hand over her friend's mouth. "You opened the gate to check on a noise. Nothing was there. Go back to your duty."
"We opened the gate to check on a noise," Skinnier Tom intoned, his eyes going dull. "There was nothing there. We should go back to our duty."
"This is a stealth mission, you ninny! Lurk!"
The two women vanished, and aside from a trail of footprints in the snow, there was no sign of their passage.
Up in the Lord's room, Eddard and Catelyn were lying in one another's arms, sweaty and content, having just finished one of the only activities one can partake in during a long winter night. The room felt a bit empty to Catelyn, as not long before Robb had been moved to his own chambers. He was nearly three, and now his nurse would be tending to him instead of his parents. She was hoping that she would have another child soon: Eddard had been home for several years, and though they had shared a bed frequently, she had not yet quickened again.
Both were just about to fall asleep when the door banged open to reveal the two strange girls.
"Greetings, Mortals! I am the-oh, you're going to complain again? These are the right mortals, aren't they?"
"Oh my me, this is not how you introduce yourself!"
Eddard sprang out of bed, his hand flying to his sword as his mouth opened to yell for the guards. Catelyn screamed and drew the bed sheets up to herself. The two quarreling women paused as Eddard raised Ice, but their reactions made him freeze.
"Heh heh. Nice," the first woman said, giving Eddard a thumbs up. "Guess we don't have to worry about Megumin's dad being under equipped."
"Um, er, we're supposed to be virginal goddesses, please put some clothes on," the other whimpered, covering her eyes.
"Speak for yourself. YOU can be the Maiden: Madoka doesn't have a no-boinking rule for her pantheon and I'm thinking about trying it out," the woman turned back to Eddard, giving him a big grin. "Behold, mortal! We are the goddesses, here to grant you a divine blessing!"
"You don't look like any goddesses I worship," Eddard said slowly, not lowering his sword.
"Huh? Wait, is he on the list?"
"Um, no, he's not. Catelyn is though. Eddard's one of Holo's," the blushing goddess said, taking out a parchment from thin air and looking it over.
"Seven preserve us," Catelyn gasped, lowering the blankets slightly as she gaped in astonishment. "Ned...I think...I think that's Aqua and Eris."
"Yep!" the blue haired goddess said, giving Catelyn a big grin. "That's us! We're here to talk to you about our Isekai program!"
"Aqua, they're not Japanese. They don't know what an Isekai Program is. And do they really look like NEETs to you? Come on. We've been the Goddesses of this world for literally seven thousand years," Eris groaned.
"Oh. Um, we're here to…"
"Talk to you about how we're going to save your world," Eris said firmly. "Please, Eddard, put the sword down. We want to help save your house."
"And we want to hang out with-" Eris clamped her hand over Aqua's mouth and hissed something in her ear again, but Eddard did lower his sword slowly. Then he blushed, and hurriedly grabbed his clothes, scrambling into them and tossing Catelyn her own.
"Oh, don't worry about that, we see lots of naked mortals. You would not BELIEVE how many people envision themselves as naked when they die," Aqua giggled.
"Goddesses, we are...we are honored by your presence," Catelyn managed, pulling her nightgown over her head quickly. "But...why have you come to visit us?"
Aqua's expression fell, and Eris looked grim. "Yours is the world of Ice and Fire. Things are...unbalanced. Winter and Summer last for years, and the world tilts between destruction by both. This is now how things were meant to be."
"We weren't the original gods in charge of your world. But those gods were super lazy, so we kicked 'em out and took over," Aqua explained. "There are some terrible forces of, er, the Ice King?"
"Between the Lord of Night, and the Lord of Light," Eris explained. "One seeks to bathe the world in flame, and bring only chaos and destruction. The other would see the world a chilled tomb of order, with the only life that which he controls utterly in his grip."
"And you, Lord Stark, are the Warden of the North," Aqua continued, falling into a rhythm. "Yours is the line of guardians of Ice. We've tried to help out, to bring a Queen to balance out the Night King, but...well, that was only a temporary fix."
"We want to help you," Eris said, her tone pleading. "You know that Winter is Coming. But,...goddesses aren't allowed to just fight mortals' battles for them. We are here to guide and empower mortals to face the horrors of this world."
"But we also can maybe put a finger on the scales to tip the balance," Aqua added. "And we'd like your help."
Eddard had sunk to his knees, taking Catelyn's hand in his own. "How...how can we help you, Goddesses? I serve the Old Gods, but-"
"Whoa, not asking you to convert, that's not part of the deal," Aqua assured Eddard. "We just need your permission to grant you a special blessing: the Children of Destiny."
"We will give you children, as you desire, those blessed by the Goddesses to face the evil that is rising in this World of Ice and Fire. They will be...different. Touched by a terrible destiny, but able to stand against both the Night that binds and the Light that blinds," Eris said gently.
"Children?" Eddard asked, startled. "You would bless us with strong sons?"
The two goddesses exchanged a look. "Um, well, not quite. But they'll be strong. And, more importantly, they will change the destiny of House Stark," Eris explained.
Aqua nodded, looking irritated. "The other gods were really hands off, they were just gonna let all sorts of terrible things happen! Well, we're not that sort of goddesses! We'll make sure your kids are blessed, and able to help their friends and family even as they save the world."
"Your children will not be alone: there will be others," Eris promised. "We are the guardians of mortals in this realm, and we love all of you. Even if we have...strange ways of expressing it." Eris's eyes slid to Aqua, who was oblivious to the jab. "But it will be a hard path, for all of you. This is the way to salvation, though. Please: accept our blessings."
"We have wanted more children," Catelyn said quietly. "Ned, if the goddesses bless us…"
Slowly, Eddard nodded. "We shall be grateful for your blessings, goddesses. I will...I will even ensure that prayers and offerings are given to the both of you."
"Eh, don't worry about it too much, but that would be nice" Aqua said, then walked over and took Eddard's head in her hands, and kissed him gently on the forehead. Then she did the same to Catelyn. She stepped back, smiling as the two mortals trembled slightly. "Great! Now, about their names."
"Names?" Catelyn asked, touching her brow where Aqua's lips had pressed.
Aqua nodded. "Yep. Gotta have the right ones. Now, for the twins, you're gonna wanna name them Yunyun and Megumin. You'll know which is which, trust me. We'll come back when it's time for the next one, just make sure she's good."
"The...next one?" Eddard asked faintly. "Twins?"
"Yep! Don't worry, Cat's super strong and we'll make sure the births go well!"
"Good luck," Eris said, giving the two baffled mortals a wink. "Don't worry, things will work out! Just lighten up a little, and have some fun!"
"Bye! Say hi to Yunyun and Megumin for me! We've got other stuff to do, but don't worry, the Old Goddesses will keep an eye on things for us!" Aqua called cheerily. Then, without a further word, the two Goddesses simply vanished in a blaze of light.
Silence filled the air, and for a long while, Eddard and Catelyn didn't move, simply clinging to one another.
"Well," Catelyn said at last, clearing her throat. "Children. Blessed by the goddesses."
"That was...was that a dream?" Eddard asked faintly.
Catelyn gave her husband a wide smiled, and pulled him to her. "I don't know. Let's find out."
Out in the night sky, two stars arose: both shimmering with a deep crimson. Nine months later, Winterfell celebrated the birth of twin girls with dark hair, and Crimson Eyes. While their parents selected very odd names for them, no one remarked over much on the selection. After all, they had been born under strange signs.
Four years later, Aqua and Eris returned, and once more, a Crimson Star arose in the sky above Winterfell, though it was summer, and nights were rare, it blazed day and night until Komekko was born.
In the years to come, in their weaker moments, the Lord and Lady of Winterfell would ask themselves just what had compelled them to take the strange blessing of the Goddesses. Unbeknownst to them, they were far from the only Great House to ponder such a thing.
Despite the feast that was taking place that night, Jon Snow was feeling a bit melancholy. It wasn't because of anything in particular, in fact, he should have been in high spirits. Catelyn Stark, for the first time Jon could remember, had invited him to sit at the high table when there were guests around. When the Queen had made a face about having a bastard sit with them, the Crown Prince himself had defended "Big J" and called him his friend.
Which meant either Yunyun had been getting to the Lannisters, or Prince Kazuma was a much better man than he appeared to be, for all his oddities.
And so, Jon found himself outside the feast, sitting with Ghost in the godswood and contemplating his future. His Lord Father, Robb, and the twins, were all heading south in a few days with the king's company, with Lord Stark to assume the office of the Hand of the King, the second most powerful man in the land.
Jon could ask to come with them, or even to stay in Winterfell. Lady Stark's sudden unexplained warmth to him was a balm to Jon's spirits, but there were too many years of cold treatment from her for him to really desire to stay in Winterfell, even with Komekko and Rickon. Theon Greyjoy had indicated he wished to go south with Lord Stark and Robb, and seemed to believe that Jon should come as well.
"Think of it, Snow. Plenty of women with open arms and legs waiting for us, the ward of the Hand, and the bastard! Ha! Robb might think himself above visiting a whorehouse, but you aren't, eh? Besides, the capitol is the perfect place for bastard sons and misfits. You might take up service for one of the Southron lords. You're not bad with a blade, even if you did lose to Prince Kazuma, and someone would be sure to take you on."
If Jon took service in the south, his path would be clear: work as a knight for one of the lords of the land, perhaps one of the Great Houses. Prince Kazuma seemed to think highly of Jon, and it wouldn't be unreasonable to assume he could help him find a place at Casterly Rock or Dragonstone. Jon was certain his father would provide him with arms, armor, and a horse, and Jon knew if he served faithfully and well, he'd likely be rewarded with a keep or holdfast somewhere, along with the daughter of a wealthy merchant or minor noble. Perhaps he'd even earn a proper last name.
That, however, didn't feel right, didn't sit right with him. He glanced at Ghost and frowned. "Well, boy, what do you think I should do?"
Ghost simply wagged his tail, his red eyes unreadable in the dim light of the short summer night. "At least you will always love me no matter what I do, even if no one else will."
"That is not true! Even if you turned into a warg or one of the Others, still, I would stand by your side through darkness and flame, forever battling against your mysterious and wicked nature!"
Jon snorted a laugh and turned as Megumin came over and sat down by him. "You would think that, wouldn't you?"
"Of course! But aren't you going to come with us?" his little sister asked, her red eyes glowing slightly in the darkness. Jon knew what few others did: all three of his sisters could see like cats, even in near pitch blackness. Ghost looked up, his tail wagging slightly as his sister Chomusuke padded over and stretched herself out beside him.
"I don't know. It doesn't feel right. I don't think my path lies to the south," Jon admitted.
"What have I told you of such things?" Megumin demanded, squatting down on her haunches across from Jon.
He sighed. "To listen to the voices that call to me from beyond the void. But I don't think that's actually going to help me in this situation, Megs."
"Hmph. That is because your inner voices are lame. For someone with such a dark and mysterious past, you have a depressing lack of incredible hidden power and evil demons possessing you."
"My past isn't that dark and mysterious," Jon said, his tone dry. "I'm a bastard, Meguimn. Father's by blow on some woman."
Despite the shadows, Jon could see the scowl on Megumin's face. "I don't think so. Dad doesn't seem like he'd just cheat on mom like that. You're secretly the child of a demon, or maybe a hidden prince, or even-"
"Megumin, father's a man, for all his virtues. He wouldn't be the first noble man to fall to temptation. At least he's done right by me," Jon pointed out. "I could have done a lot worse to be the bastard son of Eddard Stark."
Megumin shifted, moving to come beside Jon and wrap him in a tight hug. "You're not a bastard; you're my brother. Kazuma, on the other hand, is a bastard."
Jon had to suppress a cough, hiding a smile. He'd left the feast hall just as the prince and his sister had decided to pick a fight with one another. Both of their lady mothers had seemed rather exasperated by the whole thing, especially since the fight ended up being over something entirely silly: who's sword had the cooler name.
"Chunchumaru is lame! What does that even mean? It's nonsense! Only a chuuni idiot would like it!"
"Oh yeah?! Well who's ever heard of a sword called Masamune! That's a stupid name only a NEET would think up!
The argument had devolved from there to little more than bickering, at which point Jon had left, probably right before King Robert lost his temper.
"You know father intends for the two of you to wed, don't you?" Jon teased.
"Hmph. Before that, I shall run away, and join the Night's Watch! I shall slay the Night King, and become the Lord Commander, and have a cool black cloak, and they shall call me Megumin Nightsbane!"
"I don't think they let girls join the watch. They call it a brotherhood, after all," Jon chuckled.
"Hmph. Well, I guess it's good my boobs are so small," Megumin muttered, and looked down forlornly at her chest. "I can pretend to be a boy until a suitably dramatic moment."
"You're only twelve; give it time," Jon told her gently, giving Megumin a squeeze. "Some girls just take longer, just like some boys don't get their growth until later." That struck close to home for Jon, who despite being only a little younger than Robb was a hand shorter.
"I guess," Megumin shrugged.
"You know...I was considering joining the watch myself," Jon admitted. It had been the logical step. If he wasn't going south, and he wasn't staying in Winterfell, the only place left to go would be north.
While Jon had expected Megumin to go on about how his was a dark and terrible destiny and of course he should join the Night's Watch, instead, she looked up at him, startled and perhaps a little afraid. "What?! You mean, you would...leave? But...you're my brother."
"I can't stay here forever, Megumin. Perhaps I could become one of Robb's knights in time, or rule a holdfast, but that's not what I want. I want something of my own, and, well, something of the Starks. Our house has long sent its bastards and spare sons to the wall."
Tears filled Megumin's eyes, and she suddenly threw herself on Jon, squeezing him tightly. For a minute, she didn't say anything, only pressing her face to his chest, but then she looked up, and nodded at him. "Ok. You'll be the greatest Lord Commander that the Watch has ever known. I know Uncle Benjen will take good care of you, and that you will realize your dark and terrible destiny with the watch. Perhaps you shall meet a beautiful woman beyond the wall, and fall in love with her, and one day become King Beyond the Wall!"
"Sworn brothers of the Night's Watch take no wives, and have no children," Jon told her, feeling slightly bemused as he often did when speaking to his sister.
"Only until you die," Megumin pointed out. "After that you can do whatever you want."
The sheer absurdity of that statement robbed Jon of a response aside from stifling his laughter.
"You'll always be my big brother," Megumin told Jon, giving him another hug. "No matter where we are. If you are ever in need of aid, speak my name, and I shall come!"
"And you'll always be my sister. In brightest day, or blackest night, if you call upon me, my lady, I shall come," Jon told her.
Later that evening, Jon found his father and Uncle Benjen talking alone as the feast wound down.
"My Lords," Jon said, clearing his throat.
Benjen turned to Jon, frowning. "Why so formal? You haven't been in your cups, have you Jon?"
His father didn't speak, but his eyes looked pained.
"Father, I...I would ask your blessing to join the Night's Watch," Jon said, squaring his shoulders and forcing his voice to be calm. "I don't wish to go south with you. I'd always be the Stark Bastard there, no matter what I did. And...and while Lady Catelyn has been kindly to me these past few weeks, I know she bears no love for me. I cannot remain here. I would seek my own destiny, and join the Night's Watch."
"Have you been talking to that sister of yours?" Benjen asked, a smile playing on his lips.
"No. Well, yes, but...I've given this a lot of thought. It is...traditional, for the spare sons of Winterfell to join the Night's Watch, as you did Uncle Benjen, and many before you. And besides; even a bastard may rise far in the watch."
Benjen weighed Jon's words, then looked to his older brother. After a moment, Lord Stark nodded, then put a hand on Jon's. "It is an honorable path you have chosen, my son. Though it is also a hard one. The Wall is no kindly place, even compared to the years when my lady wife had little love for you."
"I know. But...I want you to be proud of me, father," Jon said, feeling raw emotion in his voice.
Eddard reached out, and embraced his son. Though Jon didn't know his true lineage, Eddard Stark did think of the boy as his son, and not a bastard at that. He'd been grieved that he couldn't allow his sister's son to sit with him at the high table all these years, and had done what he could to make Jon's boyhood a happy one. He regretted now he'd never trusted Catelyn with the truth. After all, if he couldn't trust her, who could he?
They separated, and Eddard gently passed Jon over to his brother. "Watch over him, Ben. I don't expect you to coddle the boy. But he is my son."
"He shall be my brother, as everyone in the watch is," Benjen stated grimly, then softened slightly, and mussed Jon's hair. "But he'll be my nephew as well. Don't expect me to go easy on you, boy. If anything, I'll be harder. I expect more from a son of Winterfell than from the common scum we scrape out of dungeons."
Jon swelled, and nodded. "I'll make you proud. Both of you. Who knows? Maybe I really will be Lord commander one day."
"What?"
The three men turned to see a panicked looking Yunyun. "Y-You're joining the watch? B-but that's so far away! We...we won't see one another!"
Jon sighed. He'd known this would be the hardest part. "Yunyun, I-"
She sprang forward, throwing herself into Jon's arms. "I'll write you every day! W-when I can't send a raven, I'll save the letters for when we send up supplies! And you write me back! I want to hear about all the friends you make, and how much fun you're having, and, and if you're scared you come back! I'll tell mom to be nice to you and-"
"Come, my love. It's late. Your brother has preparations to make," Eddard said, gently removing Yunyun from Jon's arms and picking her up. She sniffled, clinging to her father, though she was getting a bit big to be carried so, Eddard managed easily.
Jon sighed, then stiffened his spine and nodded. He turned, and headed for his chambers. He had a few days, but he wanted to be ready.
No one noticed that Ghost had stayed behind in the god's wood, nor that five other dark shapes had loped to the wood, leaping the fence easily and forming a semi circle on either side of their white brother around the weirwood tree. The wolves sat in silence for a moment, until a great shape shifted within the woods.
From the shadows stalked an enormous beast, larger even than a full grown direwolf, bigger than a destrier, nearly the size of a mammoth. The great she-wolf's coat was brown, save for a white underbelly and tuft at the end of the tail. Her children bowed to their mother, inclining their heads respectfully.
The Wise Wolf of the North did not remain by the weirwood tree, instead walking to the godswood pond, in which the light of the half moon glowed. The wolves sat, waiting. After a few minutes, the surface of the water rippled. From it arose a startlingly beautiful young woman of indeterminate age. She could have passed for a maiden of only a handful of winters, or perhaps a far older woman. She walked across the surface of the pond, her bare toes splashing softly. Her clothes and blue hair were dry, and she walked up to the great she-wolf. Though it towered over her, the Goddess did not seem fearful. She only bowed politely, inclining slightly at the waist. In return, the Wise Wolf lowered her head, acknowledging her equal.
"So, it's working?" Aqua asked.
My brother goes north to the barrier, Grey Wind growled, speaking not the tongues of men, but something far older and more primal.
Four wolves shall ride south, three of my cubs with them, Holo added, sitting back on her haunches and lowering herself so that her eyes were on a level with the Southron goddess's.
"Ok. I'll talk to my friend up north. It's getting harder to speak with them, even as it's getting too easy for us to touch the world," Aqua said, shivering slightly. "We've kept the magic locked away for so long, but we can't do it for much longer. They're both breaking free."
Winter is coming, the wolf pack agreed.
Fear not, Goddess of Water. The Wolves will hold to our ancient oaths, even as men forget, Holo growled.
"Well, that's why we're reminding them, right?" Aqua asked. Then she sighed. "But Winter isn't our only problem. If it's Winter up here, you know what that means for the southern lands. The Lord of Light grows in power. He hasn't been this active since he brought the Doom. We contained that mess, barely, but...if we have the Long Night and another Doom to contend with at the same time…"
Aqua started to sniffle, wiping at her eyes as her lip trembled. But Holo leaned forward, nuzzling the New Goddess. Then mortal men shall fade from this world entirely, and us with them as the Light and Darkness destroy all in their eternal battle. Do not fear, young goddess. I have seen many gods come and go. There were thousands of my brothers and sisters, who once held sway across the entire world. Now, only I remain. The Last Wolf.
"I won't let them," Aqua whispered. "I... you know I cheated, right? I brought heroes from another world. It's...well, it's what I do. This isn't the only world I watch, but...I love my followers here just as much as I do anywhere. I had to do something."
'Tis hardly cheating when one makes the rules of the game, Holo replied, her tone amused as she gently licked Aqua's cheek. I have known other lands as well. But here I stay with my mate. I believe in thy cause, young goddess. We shall stand, together, alongside mortal men as we once did.
"That's how the other gods of this world died, isn't it?" Aqua asked quietly, reaching up to gently stroke Holo's neck. Normally the other goddess would have been offended at such a gesture, but she was as frightened as Aqua, though she hid it far better.
Yes. Even gods must fade. No world lasts forever. All stories must end, Holo said, even as her pups whimpered mournfully.
"Not this time," Aqua said fiercely, and an ethereal blue glow entered into her eyes. When she stepped away from Holo, though she looked the same, no mortal could have mistaken her for a youth: she was old, and terrible, and full of power. Though to Holo, she was indeed a very young goddess, barely into her tenth millennium.
Holo had been there before the dawn age, before even the Children of the Forest, over 20,000 years ago, back before time began. To her, even an unfathomably ancient being like Aqua was little better than a child.
Then we shall sing the Song of Ice and Fire once more, Holo said, and threw back her head and howled.
Aqua grinned, and there was sadness and pain in her smile, but also triumph. "I always preferred the smell of Bakuretsu in the morning."
Cast of Characters:
Aqua as; A not-so-useless goddess (but still kinda dumb)
Eris as; The Designated Driver for Aqua
Aegon Targaryen as; Knowing Nothing, Jon Snow
The Stark Direwolves as; Holo's puppers
Holo the Wise Wolf as; Biggest Pupper
And with ? and ? as; The Lord of Light and The Night King
And the Cast of A Song of Ice and Fire as the Straight Man
Authors Note:
We're not going to be spending a great deal of time going over Jon's joining of the watch, or his training there. You can more or less hazard that it proceeds mostly in line with canon, save for one or two incidents we'll cover. I did want to at least acknowledge that he's a bit happier in this universe, and that his three little sisters do love him very much, and he them.
There will, however, be a few different things up north, as it were, and when Jon confronts them, well, you know what they say.
If you give Frodo a Lightsaber…
Then you'd better give Darth Vader a bouncy castle!
Wait...